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tv   The Daily Show  BET  March 7, 2017 12:00am-12:36am PST

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fall ♪ ♪ ♪ feels like i'm lost ♪ in a moment ♪ seems like it's ♪ time to begin >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much, everybody! thank you for tuning in! my guest tonight, actress, singer, hashtag style goal -- jennifer lopez is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) jennifer lopez in the house! but first, let me ask you a question -- if you had a job and a lot of people thought you were pretty crappy at that job, so crappy that, after you left, people never wanted to see your
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face again, when would be the best time to make a comeback? easy, when donald trump gets your job. >> george w. bush is back in the public eye. >> former president bush has been busy lately bouncing his way through a publicity four tore his new book. >> he has been doing interviews for "portrait of courage." >> a lot of us were rough on george w. bush. i hear everybody say the same thing, boy, i miss that guy. ♪ who do you think you are >> a little bit of dancing. >> and i'm sober. >> trevor: go george! go george! oh, look at that! man, ellen had so much fun with him. she was dancing and then, why wouldn't you let me get married! just sit down. so crazy! ( laughter ) one thing i learned from george w. bush's talk show appearances, apparently time heals all
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wounds. >> you were involved in many notable faux pas which we had a lot of fun with. >> mission accomplished. >> mission accomplished, that was a big one. >> trevor: ha ha! that was a big one! ha ha! we're still dealing with the effects! ( laughter ) i love how kimmel was trying to set him up for something fun like choking on a pretzel. bush was, like, yeah, i destabilized an entire region on false pretext and pretended i won. good times! and the thing wasn't funny, somebody could have died. ( laughter ) this is how desperate we are for nice right now. we want to feel normal so badly, so badly, it's the reason that, when trump gave a single speech that wasn't blood and carnage, everyone had org faze ms of presidentialness -- oh, so presidential! so presidential! so presidential! ( laughter ) oh, and just by the way, george
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bush is a pretty good painter. that's what his book is about. like, here is some of his art work. this one is stephen harper, the former canadian prime minister. and this one is indian prime minister singh, yeah. and this one here is -- oh, that's the iraqi weapons of mass destruction. ( laughter ) ( applause ) can you see it? can you see it? ( applause ) keep looking. keep looking. keep looking. keep looking. now, while george bush was making his rounds, some people complained. they were, like, how can you laugh with him? he's the worst president ever! to which donald trump replied -- hold my beer! >> president trump making a difference accusation without providing proof -- >> president trump's allegation that then president obama bugged his phones during the election. >> president trump's stunning claim --
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>> accusing president obama of spying on him! >> trevor: oh, (bleep)! (bleep)! (bleep)! this is the biggest story! even bigger than last week's biggest story ever when the attorney general was caught lying about his contacts with russia! ( laughter ) donald trump thinks the best way to distract from a scandal is to start a bigger scandal. this jeff sessions thing is getting too hot. i'm going to pull out my (bleep) and see if that helps. let's do it, guys, let's do it! ( laughter ) if you're going to accuse a former president of committing a major federal crime, at least show appreciation for the gravity of what you're doing. call a press conference. instead, trump is making these allegations from the same place we hashtag about the bachelor. >> twitter outbursts came after
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sunrise at the winter white house. terrible, just found out obama had my wires tapped in trump tower just before the victory. that was followed by four more presidential tweets, taking on president obama and miss spelling tapp. >> trevor: that was nicely done by the news guy. he's just like, misspelling tapp. because how are you going to take on a two-thermpresident if you can't handle a three-letter word? ( laughter ) by the way, because trump is president, that is now officially the way we have to spell tap. the extra p is for pussy. ( laughter ) let's be honest, this whole story is such b.s. first of all, no one needs to spy on donald trump. you can just follow him on twitter. i wonder what his -- oh, there he told us what he's doing. secondly, he's a proven troll. we're not going to waste our
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lives trying to disprove obama birth certificate part two and definitely not before the president offers a shred of evidence. what we will do, however, enjoy this tangerine rollercoaster and the ride it takes us on. so let's start with where trump got the idea. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the same place most bad ideas come from -- the internet. >> the president provided no evidence that, during the campaign, the obama administration had him wire tapped, but he appears to have picked up the idea from the conservative web site breitbart news. >> trevor: oh, that's comforting. the president gets his news from a right wing conspiracy web site. quick question, how can you be a conspiracy theoriest when you are the president? you are the person with access to all the information. people make conspiracy theories because they don't know the truth. the president is supposed to know the truth. pretty soon trump will be
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covered in tinfoil doing, the government is spying on me! but you are the government! i know, it goes all the way to the top! ( laughter ) you know what's sad about this is just a week ago -- just a week ago, people -- the media was calling donald trump presidential. tinted he learn anything from that? you know, the press was, like, dude, you can trick us the you want! just talk nice! instead, he was like, pass! and that's with two ps! ( laughter ) as with most trump scandals, the most fun for the ride is watching his people try and fail to defend him. and sean spicer has clearly learned his lesson because he didn't go out to defend trump this time hurricane sent his deputy. >> the president of the united states is accusing the former president of wiretapping him. >> i think that this is,gan, something, if this happened, mart --
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>> if, if, if! he said just found out that obama had my wires tapped in trump tower, that's not and if. >> look, i will let the president speak for himself. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you know the story is bonkers when your spokesperson says, he can speak for himself. ( laughter ) he said what? man, you gotta take that up with him. i ain't getting involved in this (bleep) no more. ( laughter ) but, look, we all know you can't trust just anyone to handle trump's untruth bombs. when he goes full crazy, there's only one person with the alternative set of skills to back him up. >> how does he know that his phone was actually tapped? >> let me answer that globally -- he's the president of the united states. he has information and intelligence that the rest of us do not. >> trevor: you know what? yeah, i'll agree, trump has intelligence that i definitely do not. ( laughter ) i agree. listen, people, one more time --
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trump's accusation is ridiculous and pathetic. even f.b.i. director james comey, aka hillary swag man, he's come out and asked the justice department to call donald trump on his lie, even comey. obama didn't tap trump's phones -- we did. ( laughter ) and, honestly, the conversations with we uncovered were pretty shocking. >> hi, mr. xi jinping. >> it is pronounced -- pronouncing. >> wrong, wrong, it's xen. i'm the best at cheeking china. >> what are you wearing? >> it's red and long. >> what do you want me to do to it? >> hands off, perfect. >> hotline. >> failing "new york times," hot tip for you, you fiches. bye-bye. hi, this is donald speaking.
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>> it's me, tiffany. ( dial tone ) >> hello, hello -- >> 911, what's your emergency? >> god, you got to help me. >> stay calm, sir, what happened? >> i just became president of america, and i don't know what i'm doing. >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) classic hershey's outside. with a new creamy, crunchy inside.
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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! you know, we talk so much about politics that, every now and again, it's nice to take a break. and for a breath of fresh airstrikes we turn to my -- of fresh air, we turn to my friend neal brennan, everybody! what's up, neal? >> let's talk about trump. >> trevor: i don't wanna! >> we have to. i get why liberals are against trump, but why are conservatives for him? he's everything you said you hated. for my whole life conservatives said government spend is out of control, it will take a republican to stop it, and along comes trump. >> our debt is about to get deeper, adding $10 trillion to what we owed over a decade. president trump called over
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$10 trillion in infrastructure, increase in military spending and tax cuts. >> a budget that will blow an absolute hole in the national debt, another $10 trillion? >> conservatives, ump totally anti-deficit till you got the checkbook? that's like gluten free dill until you get the keys to the spaghetti store. >> trevor: to be fair, that is his first pass at a the budget. so those numbers could change. >> okay, fine. let's look at things trump has done. in the past eight years, trevor, what's something republicans hated about the president that he was -- >> trevor: black. ( laughter ) >> yes, and also this -- >> president obama -- >> spent saturday, sunday and monday playing a lot of golf. >> he needs to get off the golf course, put his pants on and be the president. >> until this president attends more funerals than rounds of golf -- >> okay, so president plus golf equals bad.
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no my rule, your rule. >> since his inauguration president trump spent four of the last five weekends at mar-a-lago. >> president trump's visited two florida gorings playing six times so far as president. >> trump's had the job six weeks, taken four vacations. where's your outrage now, republicans? i personally don't mind he golfers. the more time he spends waddling around outside, the less damage he can do in the white house. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: but, neal, you know, to conservatives, trump is still better than hillary clinton. >> that's what i don't get. all right, trevor, what did conservatives hate about hillary clinton? that she was a -- >> trevor: black. >> no. ( laughter ) it was this. >> and it was hillary clinton who left americans in harm's way in benghazi. >> coming from benghazi. >> benghazi. >> benghazi. >> benghazi.
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>> benghazi! benghazi was basically 2016's wazaaaa! republicans put the claim black male of benghazi on hillary and wanted her to take responsibility. donald trump ordered to raid yemen which went sideways and led to the death of one of our navy seals. buck stops with trump, right? >> this is a mission that started before i got here. this is something they just, you know, they wanted to do. they came to see me, explained what they wanted to do, the generals, and they lost ryan. >> they lost him? dude, you're the commander-in-chief of the military, not the manager of a laundromat. you have to be presidential. f.d.r. didn't say december 7, 1941, a day which will live in infamy as a day those boat guys lost pearl harbor. ( laughter ) republicans, again, how is this your guy? how are you fine with yemen?
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no investigations, no hearing, no bumper stickers? yemen lends itself to bumper stickers. here's one. ye-men there's not going to be an investigation? ( laughter ) that's right off the dome. trump is everything conservatives used to say they hate. remember american exceptionalism, the republican idea that merk is by definition better than every other country? trump will even give that away to defend his boy vladimir putin. >> putin's a killer. >> there's a lot of killers. we've got a lot of killers. what, do you think our country is so innocent? >> i don't know of any government leaders that are killers. >> well, take a look at what we've done, too. >> nat only is he defending russia, he's implicating america. trump would be the worst lawyer, your honor, the defendant couldn't have done it because my client did it. ( laughter ) so republicans, congratulations.
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you won the election. this is your guy. but at what cost? because if a deficit spending golfing shirker is your guy, next time conservatives say, dual america? you have to say, sure, but not as much i love my side winning. trevor. >> trevor: neal brennan! >> trevor: neal brennan! back, everybody!
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>> trevor: neal brennan! back, everybody! ♪ ♪ you don't look like yowelcome to go back home. abandon ship! welcome to st. louis, son. a beer for my friend, please. thank you, but next time.. this is the beer we drink. eberhard anheuser. adolphus busch. ♪
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ooh, this is cool. it smells like gum. yummy! this smells like strawberry. are these mints? given that 80% of kids who ever used tobacco started with a flavored product, who do you think tobacco companies are targeting? do we get to keep any? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an international superstar who stars in the hit drama "shades of blue" on nbc. please welcome jennifer lopez! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> thank you! thank you! thank you so much! thank you! that's so nice.
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( cheers and applause ) hi! did i say hi? ( cheers and applause ) okay. i'm getting shy now. >> trevor: and now stream for jennifer -- and now scream for jennifer lopez! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> it's my first time with you here. >> trevor: this is our first time together. >> this is our first time. >> trevor: do you know that my whole trying to host "the daily show" was just an elaborate ruse to meet you? that's all that was. >> is that what it was? >> trevor: do you know that i broke my mom's vcr because i kept on rewinding and fast forwarding "if you had my love." >> is that true? >> trevor: i was trying to learn the lyrics. you mess up the tape in the machine -- if you have -- and i give you all my -- would you comfort me -- and i was trying to get the moves. ( cheers and applause ) >> yes! >> trevor i'm flattered.
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>> trevor: no, i just want money for my vcr. ( laughter ) congratulations on season two of "shades of blue"! ( cheers and applause ) i mean, it was weird for me to see you saying this, but you genuinely seemed shocked at how successful it was. why? >> i don't know. when i go into things and i'm creating them and we're putting a project together, i'm really doing it because i love it, and the success of it is always kind of, like, icing on the cake because you never know. you never know what people are going to respond to. you hope and you put your eggs in a certain basket and go for it, but you never know. so whatever it is, i am always, like, pleasantly surprised. i'm, like, wow, yes! this is happening. >> trevor: you have every right because "shades of blue" is fantastic. doing well. i love you change your hair for your character. >> i did into becausether otherwise i would be, like, it's j. lo, not a policewoman!
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>> right. and i was super conscious of that. when i thought about harrelly, i thought, okay, harley santos, you know, new york cop, like, if i grew up -- because i grew up in new york so i have a feel for what that is. >> trevor: but are you still jenny from the block? do you still roll with new york? do you still know new york? >> well, i come here a lot. now that i do the show, i spend more time here, i spend five or six months out of the year here, which i haven't done in years. >> trevor: do you still know the subway. yeah, i know. >> trevor: do you even know how much a subway ticket costs? >> okay, i started riding the subway when it was 50 cents, it went to 75. maybe the last time, it was like -- $1.75? but now it's more, i'm sure. >> trevor: $2.75. >> we need to protest it!
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>> trevor: j. lo, $2.75 you're a dollar removed from your fans, j. lo! you are a dollar removed from your fans! >> when did this happen? >> trevor: when you were making money, j. lo! that's when! when you were making money! ( laughter ) i'll give you another chance. you had your album on the six. io road the six, yes? >> yes, i did, many times. for years. >> trevor: what is the last stop on the six train? ( audience reacts ) >> common, this is easy, the brooklyn bridge! no, brooklyn bridge in man hasn't and pelham bay on my side in the bronx. >> trevor: you were like on my side in the bronx! don't mess with me! ( applause ) >> i know this! i named my first album on the six!
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>> trevor: i'm not judging you at all. >> you're messing with me! >> trevor: i'm going to let you go but i'm going to ask you a tough question. we ask hard-hitting questions on this show, really political, i want to know, genuinely, did you get with drake because you dented know me yet? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> let me clear this up, i am not with drake, okay? ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: yes! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: carry on. i was trying to be balanced. >> but maybe that's it. that's all i need to say. >> trevor: that is all you need to say. thank you so much for being here. >> it was so nice. >> trevor: wonderful having you. please join us again. "shades of blue" airs sundays 10:00 p.m. on nbc. jennifer lopez, everybody! jennifer lopez, everybody! ( cheers and applause )
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