tv Piers Morgan Tonight CNN May 29, 2012 9:00pm-10:00pm PDT
the hometown hero won. i'm not sure if the 7,000 bucks covered the fuel, but he gets to say he beat richard branson's three boats and iise raised $86,000 for a local children's charity. it was sure a lot of fun to watch. everyone having i woke up this morning and thought to myself, regis, this would be a great day to go to cnn and guest host piers morgan's show. let's go. it's me, regis. >> now, if only i can get a big star. i mean, one person i really want to talk to. this is the real david letterman. this is why you never see him guesting anywhere. he won't do it. >> the two people who are the
most important to me in my life, you and my wife, have the same name. >> how you doing? hey, look up there. watch out, cnn, it's me, regis, hosting "piers morgan tonight." hi, everybody. it's me, regis. remember me? i'm a good pal of piers morgan. we five years ago started america's got talent. i was the host and piers was a very severe judge. oh, boy, was he something. i'm very flattered to be here tonight. i'm happy to have as my special guest someone who don't see guesting anywhere. he just doesn't do it. people have tried for years. i mean, he just -- he's not a guest. he's a host. and a great host too. speaking about david letterman. now, you know, you're not going to see david letterman walking in the streets of new york. you can look for him, you're never going to see him.
you're not going to see him getting all dressed up to go to the metropolitan costume ball in new york city. he just doesn't do things like that. but you can see him every night on his own show. i must tell you how all this happened. as i said, he doesn't really do this. but don rickles and i were guests on dave's show. after the show dave took everybody out to dinner. we were at dinner and he said what's next in your life? i said, well, i couldn't think of what was next. joy said well you heard from cnn today piers morgan is taking a week off, they'd like you to do a night. dave said that's great. i'd like to be your guest. and i said wait a minute. you want to be my guest? i've known you a long time, are you sure you want to be a guest? i want to be a guest. i didn't bring it up the rest of the night. just before we broke to go home, i said dave, now are you sure?
he said i'm going to be there. sure enough, he is here. you'll see him, you know, on his own show every night 11:30 streaking across the stage. comes out looking like a million bucks and gives you the best hour of television you'll see that day or that night. ladies and gentlemen, my friend, my guest, david letterman. >> oh, boy. >> you heard the applause. >> thanks, reg. thank you so much. >> dave, take a look around at how piers morgan lives. why can't we live like this? >> hi to use the bathroom before i came out here. the lighting in the restroom is superior to the lighting on your old show. this place is amazing. it is remarkable. >> it's all brand new. now, listen. you're at a place over there on broadway, the old ed sullivan theater. >> i love it. we were looking at facilities around the city. this hadn't even been built. we went in there and it was a
minute or two away from being condemned. in actuality. and by god, in a short period of time they turned it from whatever it had been into just a first rate television facility. and i'm from the school that you do tv in a studio. and so i was wondering if it could be, in fact, done from a theater. but the place is fantastic. i look around there every night and i think i'm so lucky to be part of a production coming from this place. it's both intimate and it's as big as you need it to be and intimate as you need it to be. >> we never really had a chance to talk about our childhood. i got to tell you something. i had no idea this would ever happen to me, that i would get on television. no confidence at all. didn't pursue anything in high school or college like the stage or anything that might have helped me a bit. i did fall in love with bing
crosby's voice in the late '30s to '40s. i loved him and i loved the sound of his voice and the way he acted. and that was my only inspiration to get involved in this business. take me back. when you were a young little guy in indianapolis, did anybody inspire you? did you have a favorite comedian or comic or anybody? >> it wasn't bing crosby. this is right after the civil war. you are way back there. >> i knew you'd say that. >> well, when i was a kid, my mom before i went to school used to like arthur godfrey. he had a morning radio show. then that was partly -- part of that was a television show also. there was a simulcast of the radio show. then he had a nighttime talent
scout show on monday nights. then later if the week he had an hour-long variety show. so our household was full of arthur godfrey productions. i can just remember being fascinated by when they would open the television portion of the simulcast, they would be the earphones. they were there to suggest where arthur would place his head. there was something about the microphone and the earphones and the equipment that i found fascinating. i just thought there's something cool about this. >> this is september 1st, 1969. i saved this magazine for 43 years. this is the first year three networks went with talk show hosts late at night. this is merv just starting out. >> this is merv right there. >> this is merv. >> joey bishop. >> and johnny in 1962. now, what were you doing in 1969? were you still in school? >> 1969? >> yeah. >> yeah.
i was just graduating from college. >> did you have an eye for the show business at that point? >> it's a silly story, but where better to tell a silly story than here with you. i was like you. i was sort of lost. in school. and i had a bunch of friends and as the grades progressed, i realized how important it was to study and make good grades if you wanted to have the same peer group. i was falling behind. i couldn't do anything. all of my buddies were math and chemistry and algebra and on and on. i was on the soft curriculum. it was shop and that sort of -- nothing wrong with that. i remember doing so poorly my mom was very upset about it. she said we're going to try to get you into a trade school. and again, that would have been fine, but i was not able to keep up. and then one semester i took a public speaking course. and the first assignment for the public speaking course was a five minute extemporaneous, what
do they call it speech? ad lib speech? i got up and did that. whether it went well or not, i felt it went well. i thought oh, this might be my saving -- my life line. i might be able to turn this into doing something. >> isn't that nice? >> then i stopped worrying so much about other things and knew you had to find a way to get paid for what i could do. >> and when did the comedy phase hit you that you wanted to be a comedian and get involved in comedy? >> as a kid, i think most kids are always funny. kids are always trying to be funny. all my buddies were funny. i thought this would be great if i could get a job writing. i'd worked in television and worked in radio. but it was not as challenging or as exciting as i wanted it to be. it was pretty prohibitive. you were a weather man were a news man or a kids host. >> and one night you packed up and went to hollywood? >> in a matter of speaking, yes.
my wife and i did that, put everything in the truck and went to california. >> and things happened right away. >> happened right away. not because of me, but in those days as i said before if you wanted to go to california and become a comic or become a part of comedy, the blueprint of that was laid out in front of you every night on the tonight show. they would have brand new comedians, some returning, some new. and johnny would say before and after that was steve landsburg, you can see him on sunset boulevard here in hollywood. and pretty soon you realize that was an instant connection. comedy store, you knew they had the amateur night and the tonight show. 1975 i went out there, three years later i was a guest on the tonight show. it was so much easier for me. and it was great for the tonight
show because they needed people in those days the show was 90 minutes. your show is an hour, just seemed like 90 minutes. it's the same thing. >> you get on the johnny carson show. it's your turn to go on the show, and i think you knocked them out. >> i did pretty well. but first timers tend to do pretty well. in those days they had a wonderful screening system. they would have coordinators come to see you and work out a set and they would say yeah, we think we like you. we'll be back in six weeks. and they didn't -- the last thing they wanted to do is have a guy come on and not do well. because this was the tonight show. this was the cadillac. they wanted to look -- you know, there was never a soft moment on that show. >> you're right. >> so you were pretty well guaranteed through working with these people that you were going to do all right. >> and you did just fine. not everybody got invited over to the desk and heard this from johnny carson. >> had to hitchhike over here this evening. this guy picks me up. driving an old beat up dodge. down on the freeway at an angle like this.
right away i'm apprehensive about getting in, you know? the guy driving the car is wearing a cowboy hat and a hospital gown, you see. and he's rolling -- the thing that bothers me the most he's rolling the biggest joint i'd ever seen in my entire life. he was using pampers. >> i have a feeling your shot on this show tonight, you're going to be working a lot outside the comedy store. i hope you come back for this. >> he predicted it right there. >> that breaks my heart there. please don't roll anymore tape. i'm coming across the table if you roll another tape. it's going to be blood shed here. i can take you. >> it really bothers you that much? >> then we're not going to do it. you heard him. cancel the tape. when we come back, we'll talk some more about -- >> now, why don't you get a show just like this? you should have a show just like
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this is johnny carson. i'm calling from nbc in burbank. >> oh, my word! >> how are you? >> fine, thank you. >> can i ask you a question? >> sure. >> has david ever told you that he hopes that i get run over by a water delivery truck? so he can get the 11:30 time period on nbc? as he ever told you is that? >> yes, he talks about it frequently. >> talks about it frequently. >> that was pretty good. johnny, that's just johnny. >> did you have a good relationship with johnny? >> yes but he made me very nervous. because he was, i think, the biggest star on television.
and i was just a kid who had, you know, kind of followed the beacon of his light comes out of burbank. and to be on his show was endlessly nerve racking. then to actually be with him in a social situation, i kind of have a history of -- i got to know jack parr. and i had a great deal of admiration for jack parr. i started to spend more and more time with jack parr. i would get more and more comfortable with jack parr. and i began to notice that jack, bless his heart, would tell the same stories over and over again. they were great stories. fantastic stories. but that was it. and then the inevitable, i think he started to dislike me. >> who? jack parr? >> yeah. and then i felt uncomfortable. so i was always worried that if i relaxed and got comfortable with johnny, the same thing might happen. do you understand what i'm saying? >> i understand exactly what you're saying. i became friends with jack parr.
i understand what you're saying. he never spoke ill of you. >> it may be something i felt that didn't exist. but i thought this relationship with johnny carson is for me to screw up. in those days, johnny carson meant the world. i mean, that was it. that was the hall of fame. you wanted that endorsement. you wanted that friendship. a, if you didn't do well on the show, you were never coming back and it was going to be a much harder road if you were not friendly with the tonight show. and b, to have johnny carson as a friend, oh my god. that's a tremendous blessing. so i was always nervous about that. >> you know, i remember it well. you followed him on your show. you followed the tonight show with your show. and he admired your show very much. he loved all of the different things you were doing. and he would say to our friend peter, i'd like to do something like that too. so one night they tried it.
something about a candy machine that he was trying to get functioning. something that you would pull off beautifully, and it flopped. and he never tried it again. but i think, you know, there was a bondship there. did you have a chance to tell him what he meant to you? >> all the time. i mean, the first time i was on the show, it was -- yes, all the time. >> good. >> and the last time that i saw him, we were talking about it earlier today. of course, the way life is you don't know that that will be the last time but it turned out to be the last time. and it couldn't have been a lovelier evening and i cherish that. it was unusual, it was not going to happen under other circumstances. it was my wife, myself, johnny, and his wife on johnny's yacht that he had anchored in the hudson. it was a friday evening and we sailed off just before sunset. and went up the hudson up under
the george washington bridge which is lovely. turned around, now the sun is setting. we go out to the statue of liberty and see that as night as the sky is darkening. then we headed up the reese river and you see the lower tip of manhattan. and it was a sight and an experience like you'd never -- you know, you never get to see new york like that. >> it really is a terrific sight. i've been up and down those rivers, especially at night it blazes us. >> it was comfortable and we were chatting. and i knew that i always had -- if conversation got slow or there was an awkward moment, all i had to do is bring up jack benny. he loved jack. he owed a great deal to jack. his delivery and mannerisms and humor. he would tell story after story about jack. it was a great evening. i'm so proud of that experience.
>> sure. pbs had a two-hour special on johnny. i saw it that night and i couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. it kept me awake, you know? it was so sad. the end. that he would leave us like that. it was just -- >> i remember having that feeling the night he retired. because it had become such routine. not just for me but everybody in the united states. to see him say good night for the last time, i found it very, very emotional. i have not seen the documentary you're talking about. >> and how did you feel when i said good-bye or when i moved on, same feelings? >> honestly, i was puzzled. i thought there's no reason for you to retire. there's no reason for you to leave that show. i misuse the word retire. no reason to leave the show. you've got to see about getting a gig here. because this is ideal for you. >> all right. now, you want to know something? i think you're a pretty good actor. i want to show you a scene from
i think the only movie you ever made. "cabin boy" with chris elliot. >> right. >> yeah. wait until you see this guy in this scene "cabin boy." wait until you see this. it's dave the actor. roll it. >> you know what you are? you're one of those little fancy lads aren't you? boy, you're cute. gosh what a sweet little outfit. is it your little spring outfit? you couldn't be cuter. you're so adorable. oh, my. you know, you remind me of my niece sally. lovely girl. she's a dietitian. hey, would you like to buy a monkey? >> not bad. >> it was excellent. >> you did good. >> don't kid yourself. it was fantastic. >> any aspirations to become an actor? >> you know what? i could be a really bad actor, but i'm thankful i never had interest in it. one, once you get into it they're long, boring, difficult days.
and two, i could never be good at it. and if you're not going to be really good at it, what's the point of wasting everybody's time? >> i did an acting bit in "hot in cleveland" recently. >> i think i read about that in "the times." >> i had trouble remembering the lines. oh, my god. i'm not used to that. >> i know. if you don't care about it -- you didn't really care about it. >> i played a gay hair stylist. i cared. >> i bet you cared. >> dave, when we come back, i want to talk to you about the serious side. everything from your heart surgery to the days that followed 9/11 and you brought television back to america. back in a moment. i've always looked up to my brother. he doesn't look like a heart attack patient. i was teaching a martial arts class and it hit me. we get to the emergency room... and then...and then they just wheeled him away. i had to come to that realization
that "wow, i am having a heart attack." i can't punch this away. i'm on a bayer aspirin regimen. [ male announcer ] aspirin is not appropriate for everyone. so be sure to talk to you doctor before you begin an aspirin regimen. i'm a fighter and nowadays i don't have that fear. [ male announcer ] learn how to protect your heart at i am proheart on facebook. and nowadays i don't have that fear. you know what's exciting? graduation. when i look up into my students faces, i see pride. you know, i have done something worthwhile. when i earned my doctorate through university of phoenix, that pride, that was on my face. i am jocelyn taylor. i'm committed to making a difference in people's lives, and i am a phoenix. visit phoenix.edu to find the program that's right for you. enroll now. how math and science kind of makes the world work. in high school, i had a physics teacher by the name of mr. davies. he made physics more than theoretical,
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last couple of years i had an esophagus problem. and i -- i don't know how you found out about it, but you brought it up on the show. and you were trying to help me, i think. then you reflected on an old pal of yours, george miller who had something like that. >> that's right. >> i want to show that piece of tape. >> all right. >> this is dave letterman and me. >> i had a friend of mine george miller, when he was a much younger fellow, he had a narrowing -- and he would have to run a hose down his esophagus to open it up. because he had -- >> why are you telling me that? >> i'm just saying. >> you're trying to frighten me. >> no. >> you're trying to frighten me. >> no. i'm just saying that may be what you'll have -- >> all right. let it go. i don't want to do that. >> i don't blame you. george didn't want to do it either. >> so is george okay? >> no, he's dead.
>> oh, poor george. >> it had nothing to do with the tube he had to insert. george was a funny fellow. good guy. >> he was a good comedian. >> i miss george. >> yeah. but to be more serious about this, you went through a quadruple, wasn't it? >> yeah. bypass surgery. >> then sent me up with the same team to take care of my triple bypass later. after you came back from the five week staying out there getting healed and you brought the entire team with you, a whole bunch of guys. rarely see you choked up, but you were that way that night. it was very special. take a look. >> oh, more tape. >> yeah. >> it was five weeks ago today that these men and women right here saved my life. [ applause ]
>> people applauding i'm not dead. >> that's not the big deal. they do it several times a day. they do it hundreds of times a year. when you're going through this, you think to yourself, i'm never going to be able to get through this. but you do get through it. and the reason you get through it is because these people get you through it. if you ever have to have this surgery, by god i hope you're blessed enough to go through it with people like these. >> you thanked everybody. >> the interesting thing about it, the head guy wayne eison was not in the theater that night. >> is that right? >> he and his family were going to jamaica. i was like, no. sorry we're going to be in jamaica. if you can get a satellite hooked up. so we fudged the wide shot.
the day before he left for jamaica. so the wide shot we have a stand in, but then as we go down the line, they dropped in the closeup of wayne who was not there that night. but vacationing in jamaica. >> very impressive. >> it was fraud is what it was. >> but you got the job done. >> got the job done. you do what you need to do. >> and another memorable night was the night you decided that the day you decided to bring the show back that night. it's right after 9/11. and television as we knew it was shut down. it was all about the news. and over and over again we would live through this horrible phase of our lives. one day you called me about 2:00 in the afternoon saying i'm going back on the air. i'd like you to join me. i was very flattered. you remember that night? >> i remember that night and i remember not wanting to go back, not feeling ready to go back but knowing we had to go back. my concerns were minimal
compared to people who really suffered. but i felt like rudy giuliani kept saying go back to work -- not to me but generally. we've got to live our lives and go back to work and we can't this and that and this and that. so i was worried about it. i knew if you were there, we could make something of that. >> well, i think we finally did near the end. >> and poor dan rather was on the show. >> he's as strong and tough as a news reporter could be. he kind of sobbed that night a little bit. but it was the right judgment to make that night. all of television followed your lead. and got back something back to normal. i think these are great moments on television. >> well, thank you. thank you. i don't know what to say beyond that. circumstantial.
i was reacting. there was nothing i initiated. it was all me reacting. and it was all, i think, rudy giuliani. wasn't he the light that led everybody through it? >> no doubt about it. >> i can remember flying back to the city and looking downtown and all you saw were the rising pillars of smoke. and i just thought i can't -- i don't -- >> giuliani was a powerhouse. you told a story that night about folks in montana, this little town 1600 people. >> 2600. >> they raised money. >> $10,000 to help new york city. i found that touching. it's a tiny town. it's about the same population they had in 1900. so the population has not grown. it's stayed even. i guess that's saying something. but it's a very difficult part of the country to make a living if you're in agriculture. the wind blows most of the
topsoil and has for the last several hundred years dead east. so there's not much to plant 37 it's all cattle and that's tough too. dependent on the weather. the fact these people who are really serious about living that way took it upon themselves to raise money to send to new york city. i thought it was touching. >> you're right. it shows the spirit of this country. >> then montana, i've made wonderful friends there i'm proud of. >> i'm sure you have. next up -- >> you didn't seem certain. like how can this guy makes friends? am i being too sensitive? here's how it sounded. yeah, i'm sure you have. >> you understand? this is the real dave letterman. this is why you never see him guesting anywhere. he won't do it. because you're getting to see a little too much tonight. when you come back, i'd like to talk to you about your life as a father, husband. let's do that. back in a moment, everybody.
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one night only. one hour only. regis and dave. >> get ahold of yourself. >> okay. i must say, i think you've changed since little harry has come into the world and joined you. what do you think? >> well, you have to. life is no longer solely about you. it's about him. but again, i hate to say much about it. i guess it's like letterman is the first human to have a child. but that's the way you feel, isn't it? >> sure. >> as i'm fond of saying, your life doesn't really begin in the important ways until you've had a child. >> does he know what you do for a living? >> no. he thinks i have a job in a metal shop. no. he knows what i do. >> does he like it? does he laugh? >> yeah. he likes the animals. we have jack hannah come on. he likes stupid pet tricks and stuff like that. he will watch it from time to time if i think there's something that -- we had an english bulldog riding a horse
the other day. harry enjoyed that. we had another dog skipping rope. >> is he a momma's boy or daddy's boy? >> momma's boy for sure. >> that's great. >> it's just great. i'm old enough now where if i see trouble down the road, i'll probably be dead by then. and it'll be his stepfather's problem. >> dave, you're such a cheerful one tonight. you really are. let me ask you about the top ten list. how have you been able to do that year after year? >> believe me, i'm embarrassed as well. >> all of these people struggling to come up with ten funny things a night. >> it came to us many years a night on the old nbc show. randy cohen, i believe, was the writer who proposed that one night we do a top ten list o for a top five list. and it was a cheap, easy way to refill a category and get some laughs most nights.
so it was the doing of randy cohen who later had quite a run as -- he was in the "new york times" magazine. so that's the origin of it. >> is it a chore to come up with those? >> not for me. i just -- i'm not even in the building. i'm at home having a facial. >> wow. >> wow says regis. >> how regina? >> she's fine. she's a lovely woman and she's just fine. i don't know what to say about her. when you have a kid kwb you do stuff the kid wants to do. about four years ago harry and i started skiing. i've never skied before in my life. and he enjoys it and i enjoy it. we talk regina into skiing. i can remember we're sitting at the table one time and i said, so harry did you hear? mom is going to start skiing. he said that'll be great.
i'm so excited. then regina says i'm a little worried about this harry says what are you worried about? regina says is it slippery? harry and i laugh sod hard. oh, the snow on the mountain? no. it's the new non-slippery snow. you'll be just fine. so that was good. so now it's something we all get to do in the wintertime. >> that's great. every time you say regina, you must think of regis. >> it's very odd that the two people who are the most important to me in my life, you and my wife, have the same name. >> isn't that nice to hear? we are very grateful for that. >> meaning the king in latin. >> latin. rex is king and regis is of the king. >> right. >> that's good. i'm glad you feel that way. >> again, boy, oh, boy. sincerity there. it's boy, i'll have another scotch. it was about like that.
>> it's very hard to do this. >> it's fun. >> no, no. listen to me. we've got to go back to the top ten list now. it's just great. we're going to have a bit from everybody. do we have dave doing the top ten? yes. what has happened to him since he became a dad. all right. roll this here. >> category tonight. top ten reasons i'm excited to be a father. maybe you heard about this. i had a baby boy yesterday. and i am a father. thank you. number four, great new excuse for not hanging out with regis. number two, two words swedish nanny. and there is now tangible evidence that i have had sex. there you go. >> now, not only do you do the top ten, but you have guests come on and do the top ten. whatever the topic strikes you. for example, when i said i was moving on, how is that going to effect joy. you were going to worry about joy.
so you asked to come on the show. it was very funny. take a look at joy in action. >> top ten thoughts that we want through my mind when regis announced his retirement from live. number eight. >> if he thinks he's going to be home all day, i better stock up on advil and kahlua. >> oh yeah. number three. >> if i put him in a wig and a dress maybe they'll hire him on "the view." >> yeah. you're not going to have much trouble getting a dress on him, believe me. top ten reasons regis philbin is not on the show tonight. >> you know, i never really cared for this show. >> number four. >> i'm just not a fan. all right? >> okay, fine. >> have you had a favorite guest over the years besides me? >> no.
we have several. you, brian williams, tom brokaw, bill murray, tom hanks,. people who really come and do a great job for us. i'm forgetting somebody that was just on, it was fantastic. it's like a handful of people who were really strong. you were really good. >> nice to hear i'm included. >> you would be at the top of the list. >> you know brian williams wants your job. >> he can have my job. >> you don't think he's going to do the news for the rest of his life. he wants the laughs. you better watch him. when we come back, let's talk about politics and late night tv. >> thank you, regis. copd makes it hard to breathe, so i wasn't playing much of a role in my own life, but with advair, i'm breathing better so now i can take the lead on a science adventure.
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talk show hosts have not gotten involved in politics. because they fear -- >> it's all different now. >> -- that if one portion of your audience is republican or democrat, they don't like what you're saying, they're going to tune you out. doesn't bother you. >> well, you -- i know what your point is, and i've been guilty of appearing to be playing partisan politics. however, i'd like to say for the record i am a registered independent. you go where the material takes you. poor bill clinton, no president that i'm aware of got hammered harder than bill president -- bill clinton over the monica lewinsky situation. we beat up on him. we still use him as a reference. and we were desperate. we thought, well, this was so easy. then we got george bush. and within a matter of days we realized our prayers had been answered. he's just as good in terms of material. so we -- it may appear to people
that we have a slant one way or the other, but you -- if a guy, you know, drops his dog or a guy straps his dog to the roof of his car or if a guy gets a shoe thrown at him well, this is where the material is going to be. and so far, it looks like -- in this race in particular, it looks like -- and the same was true for in the primaries with hillary clinton and barack obama. i think if you look back on that, we worked them over pretty good because they were going at it. then you had this group. i mean, those early debates, i mean, who are these people? the ringling brothers? i mean, it was just hello. so i think that a case could be made, yes, that we are leaning one side to the other, but it's not driven out of anything more serious than who's easier to make fun of.
>> it's all about getting the laughs. that's your business. >> you're desperate when you're out there. when you hear the first laugh then you can relax a little bit. >> well, you have made a lot of fun of me. oh, yeah. one night on your show, i was found in an alley next to your show. remember that night? >> no. >> yes. >> i don't remember. >> take a look. you'll remember it when you see it. >> guess who joy and i had dinner with last night? george clooney. >> regis, regis, to me, dave, what are you doing out there? >> now, dave, i'm in the middle of a show. >> no. no, no. i'm sorry, regis. you're out -- you're in our alley. i don't think anyone is watching your show. >> oh, really? no one's watching your show either, big boy! that's not stopping you. get ready. let's play travel trivia. >> no. >> oh.
isn't that terrible? >> no, it was cute. you have been a great sport. and one of the things i love about you. you know we're just horsing around. you know, this is the equivalent of a soapy bear hug. >> can we talk about that later? how about this? is this why you gave me this car when i left? >> you know, these are so much fun. the vespa scooters. they're so much fun. i had no idea that you couldn't ride a two wheeler. what is the problem? you can't ride a bicycle? >> it's the way you do it. you turn the knob, and you go bam like that! i fell off and i could sue everybody. >> is regis here tonight? >> yes. >> i was wondering. you referred to him in the third person. >> lawsuit, cbs, you, moonves, everybody. >> you would have been well deserving to do that. we had to take it from you.
regis, give us the keys. you have heard that before, haven't you? >> you took the vespa back and he gave me a beautiful watch. >> are you wearing it now? >> no, i'm not. >> oh brother. >> i don't wear anything. i said, i hope this doesn't hurt you. nice watch. thank you very much. >> you're quite welcome. >> you know, we're going to come back in a moment -- >> i know we have to wrap it up. >> we wrap it up with only in america and i'll show you my contribution first. but first, we have to go out singing that night. when you called me up and i said, there's no business like show business. but they're going to do it right here. >> you're not going to sing? >> if you want to sing, you sing. >> no. i'm not going to sing. you ruin everything. >> go ahead and roll it, please. >> dave, you'd make me feel better if you'd sing a couple of lines of there's no business like show business tonight. i'd really sleep better tonight.
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you know, you'll be happy to know that it's time to say good-bye to everybody. >> i have had a nice time. thank you very much. i'm sorry if i bullied my way on your show. but when you told me you'd get a chance to do this, i said i'd like to be a part of it. >> i was so flattered an thankful that you did the show. because nobody ever sees you guesting anywhere. you're a private guy. we understand that. >> i'm rarely invited anywhere, which is fine. i don't begrudge that fact. just the truth of it. >> we have done a lot over the last few years. i have loved every time you had me on the show. one time you gave me a cigar. and we went on top of the marquee. >> i remember that. >> very unusual location. >> were we smoking --
>> we were smoking that night. listen, dave, i love you. very much for coming on the show. >> thank you very much. it was a lot of fun. >> thank you, piers. see you again soon. bye-bye. ♪ ♪ so i'll leave you crying in the rain ♪ ♪ though i held my hands keep you in my heart ♪ ♪ because i'm born to be tamed so good night, so long ♪ ♪ the road called me dear the tears came and farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes ♪ ♪ and i'll kiss you and then i'll be gone ♪ ♪ good-bye, so long the road