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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 3, 2011 1:30pm-2:00pm PDT

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can unequivocally say i have >> tonight congress rejects raising the debt ceiling so if china calls let it go to voice-mail. and if my guest salomon kuan is a teacher with over 53 million students. in new york, that's almost two classrooms. mitt romney has announced he's running for president in 2012. at the same time he's announced will try again in 2016. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! welcome to the report. oh, nation, nation, i'm sick. (laughter) >> stephen: and i don't just mean the flumageddon that conquered my sinuses. and threatens-- it is now evidently taken over my tongue. no, i'm sick to death about our national debt. we have got to get our financial house in order,
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folks. but the chicken little democrats are so worried the u.s. will default on its loans. so they want to raise the u.s. debt ceiling. come on! we already raised the debt ceiling under president bush. that's so 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007 and twice in 2008. (cheers and applause) thankfully this week the republicans stood up and said no mas in english. >> house republicans succeeded in blocking the democrat's attempt to raise the debt ceiling. >> stephen: the republicans blocked the debt raising seal so devious that it was actually introduced by republicans. thankfully the republicans like congressman dave camp bravely stood up against themselves. >> this vote, a vote based
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on legislation i've introduced will and must fail. (laughter) >> stephen: stirring words. one is reminded of patrick henry's courageous cry, give me liberty and i don't want liberty. (laughter) so the debt ceiling-- (applause) so folks the debt ceiling has not been raised. but don't panic, investors. we're to the going to default. before the vote republican leaders called wall street executives to assure them the vote was just for show. yeah, it's just for show like the sneeze guard on a salad bar. (laughter) >> stephen: it looks good but all you got to do is duck under it and sneeze on the croutons. it's easy. folks, this bill, i believe this bill was genius, you see. the republican kos show their tea party base that they're against raising the debt ceiling while reassuring their worrywart wall street base that this
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was just political theatre. right, ron williams. >> this is a huge game going on here. the chamber of commerce, they know that it's a big joke. they say wall street is in on the joke. wall street knows it's a joke. >> stephen: yes, wall street loves jokes. remember that last prank they pulled with the mortgage market? (laughter) >> stephen: knock, knock,. who's there? get out of your house. the bank is foreclosing. racoons live here now. (applause) >> stephen: i guess you had to be there. literally you had to. it was global. it affected everybody. and now, republicans can say one thing to wall street. and the complete opposite to the tea party at the exact same time. because to one of those groups, they are talking out their ass. but don't tell me which one, i'm tivoing the end of the
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economy. (laughter) folks, as much as i want to talk about the debt ceiling, and i do, you know who wants to talk about the debt ceiling even more? new york congressman anthony weiner. (laughter) >> today i want to talk about the debt limits. >> let me make a point about-- the debt limit. >> what people really want to talk about are things like the debt limit. >> stephen: everyone wants to talk about it. but weiner can't talk about it because the mainstream media keeps focusing on this picture that appeared on his twitter account. folks, i feel sorry for the guy. he's a friend of the show. and this has got to be a big weight on his shoulders, and judging by this photo, his left thigh. (laughter) >> stephen: now weiner has tried his hardest to get this story out of the news by appearing on every news program in america, explaining that his twitter account was viciously hacked in a blatant case of namism. >> when your name is weiner,
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people do weiner jokes about you on the internet all the time. they sent a picture that makes fun of the name weiner. i get it touche, dr. moriarty, you got me. >> stephen: yes, touche, dr. moriarty, weiner sees through you like sherlock holmes, or in this case, john holmes. now i hope, folks, i hope weiner is mistaken. i hope this isn't some sort of childish attack just because of his unfortunate last name. because if he's right, i fear for the twitter feeds of congressman jack johnson, norman dick, billy long, leonard lance, elijah cummings, timothy bishop, he better hope there's no pictures of him polishing anything. and i do not want to find out what a shimkiss is and i certainly don't want to se see-- chamblin. and hacking--
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(applause) >> stephen: and hacking may not be the only cybercrime that weiner is a victim of. >> have you ever taken a picture like of this yourself. >> i can tell you this. that there are, i have photographs. i don't know what photographs are out there in the world of me. i don't know what things have been manipulated and dock tord. photoses can can be manipulated. photos can be of one thing changed to look like something else. >> stephen: yes, photos can be changed to look like something else. what? this could be a penis. it could also be a submarine or a bright white-- great white shark or even lady liberty. the possibilities are endless. (laughter) >> stephen: all it takes is imagination and the graphics depart that won't sue you for sexual harassment. i mean the man is clearly a victim and yet congressman wien certificate to the asking for any special treatment. >> and i want to make it clear. this is in my view not a federal case. just because it happened to congressman weiner on his
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personal account doesn't mean that the taxpayers should pay for some big investigation of this that winds up going on and on for years. >> stephen: i admire the fiscal discipline it takes to resist launching a federal investigation of his groin. but folks there is something more important at stake here. just listen to bill o'reilly. >> the pentagon now says computer sabotage coming from another country can constitute an act of war. we cannot stand by and allow members of congress to be attacked by cybercriminals. the fbi should be involved in the weiner story because national security is involved. >> stephen: yes. this is an issue of national security. i mean this could be the chinese. well, maybe not the chinese. but-- you know-- (cheers and applause) you know, somebody out to hurt america. and i know where of i speak, folks because i too have
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been hacked. for the past 24 hours someone has been posting troubling images on my twitter feed. and like weiner i cannot say with certitude that this is not part of my body. or this or even this. i demand a federal investigation. i know it will be extensive so forget what i said about the debt ceiling. we need to borrow whatever it takes because america will not be safe until we are able to connect a face and a name to this weiner. oh, hi, that was easy. you'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, thank you so much. very kind, very kind. folks, i would like to be to talk about tips and wags but this time it is not about anthony weiner's penis. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: first up, news about the raid that killed bin laden just keeps getting better.
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>> from its earliest days al qaeda leaders insisted on receipts. if fighters were buying a car for an operation or even disk drives for computers, they were required to return with an accounting of everything they'd spent. >> stephen: that's right. bin laden kept immaculate financial records. no doubt using our quicken. (laughter) >> stephen: so tonight i'm giving a rare tip of my hat to o bin laden for-- osama bin laden for not just being al qaedaa-- al qaeda charismatic leader but also their annoying guy from accounting. (applause) >> stephen: whoa, whoa, whoa, ago method, you skipped line four. was the gas to drive the car or blow it up. how many times do i have to say it. they're different accounts. remember, chalil, remember your 72 virgins don't carry over to the next fiscal year. use them or lose them.
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and-- (applause) i have a frog in my throat. a frog in my throat. and bin laden was also great in the hr department. listen to his management style. >> as odd as it sounds al qaeda had excellent hr benefits. seized documents shows that the group paid attention to its fighters and their families. married members were allowed to have seven days of vacation for every three weeks worked. >> stephen: that's right. al qaeda had better benefits than wal-mart. although at wal-mart, you get to wear your vest more than once. (applause) >> stephen: wal-mart. the wal-mart. best of all, we now have all of al qaeda's receipts are. so the next time we seize bomb making equipment we can return it for cash. or, if it's been more than 90 days we'll take store
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credit. the war on terror is going to pay for itself. next up, folks, you know i get great pleasure from the pleasure you get watching me. i like to imagine you heroes out there admiring my flawless skin. my luxurious hair. and my washboard forehead. but tonight i have to give a wag of my finger to hugh heffner who recently tweeted this on behalf of his sell-- himself and his fiancee crystal harris. quote we're watching the daily show and "the colbert report." then it's time to snuggle. good night all. that's right. hugh heffner is watching my show and then snuggling. folks, we all know what happens before snuggling. crying. but before that, it's sex. hugh heffner is getting his pipe cleaned during my show. don't-- no-- no, no
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: don't picture it, brain, don't picture it, brain. no, wait, too late. i'm seeing flashes of silk heats, body butter and a california raisein in ascot. jimmy, take down my imagination. take down my imagination, jimmy. that's better. folks, this is bad on so many levels. for starters if someone shatters a hip while watching my show i'm financially liable. second, i know one look at my face is like throwing back a dozen oysters and then doing a line of powdered rhino horn, but heff, you have got to control yourself. you're not even married yet. save yourself for the honeymoon. besides i don't understand what is sexy about the daily show. i assume you are watching it just so you can last longer. but folks-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: but folks i know old men are set in their
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routines which means hugh heffner could be doing it right nows as i speak. no, no, no, break telephone up, old man. bad heff. dismount, dismount. stop it! scram! scram! beat it, i mean don't beat it. just stop. (applause) >> jon: . >> stephen: jim, put up something that is guaranteed to turn them off.
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>> stephen: welcome back, thank you very much. my guest tonight wantses to provide free education to everyone in the world. big deal. i do that every night. please welcome salomon kuan. (cheers and applause) mr. kuan, thanks so much for coming on. please. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: let's explain to the people out there who may not know who you are. there are a lot of people without do know who you are. how many students have you taught so far. >> we have, we have delivered over 50 million lessons. >> stephen: 50 million lessons. >> right. >> stephen: by we is it you? >> i'm right now the
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faculty. >> okay. >> stephen: the sole faculty. >> right now. yeah. right now. >> stephen: okay. do you pay yourself anything? >> i used to, well, it started off i was helping out my cousins and i had another job and they were -- >> hedge fund guys. >> i used to work at a hedge fund. >> degree from mit, a degree from harvard. you were on hedge fund, cha ching, pulling in cash, right. >> yes. >> but i was tutoring my cousins in new orleans and i had a bunch of cousins, ones that worked with one cousin, i started tutoring more and more. a friend said instead of doing these separate sessions and you have to repeat the separate lecture why don't you put it on youtube so i started doing that. i was doing in mys closet for a while and fast forward to 2009, i quit my job and now we're not for profit. we have funding so i am taking a salary, that's my answer. >> stephen: okay. so you are getting paid something. >> i am getting paid something.
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>> stephen: more to do this or more to be a hedge fund manager? >> more to be a hedge fund manager. i'm not a hedge fund manager but i'm getting paid less now. >> stephen: yes. what kind of economic lesson is that to this show. >> yeah, no, it's-- i will think about that one a little bit but yeah, no, i'm happier now so because i'm getting to make interesting lessons. >> stephen: give the people at home an example, this is a little montage of several lessons. it gives an idea of the sort of videos you see and the way you teach people on the internet. jim? >> so the hypotenuse is now going to be five. this animal's fossils are only found in this area of south america. nice clean band here. and this part of africa. we could integrate over the surface in the no nation-- notation turbly is a capital sigma, national assembly, they create the committee of public safety. which sounds like a very nice committee. notice this is an aldahyde and an alcohol. >> into an effecter and memory sells. >> a gal ax there is another
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galaxy. >> and for dollars is there 30 million plus the 20 million from the american manufacturer. if this does not blow your mind, then you have no emotion. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so that's not the most standard way of teaching i've ever seen. >> no, i mean i was doing for my cousins and you know, they weren't paying me so i just kind of do it very conversationally. they are feedback was that they liked me better on youtube than in person. >> stephen: . >> face does not appear t is just voice and writing. >> stephen: and do you happen to agree-- have a degree in education. >> i don't have a degree in education. >> stephen: could you-- could you-- you could teach a class in education and then take it yourself so you could have one? >> i will no, but potentially i will think about that. >> stephen: i like that about you. because i'm no fan of experts. >> right. >> stephen: and you-- and
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you get to go out there and basically just say hey, trust me this is the way the world works, right. >> exactly, no, exactly. >> stephen: i do that kind of stuff on this tube every night. by the way, there is no such thing as negative numbers. can't have less than 0, right. >> no, it's impossible. >> stephen: also pii eventually does end. because if it was infinite the world would fill with numbers. >> right. >> stephen: right? can i teach for your university. >> absolutely. we would love that. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: how long do these lessons last? >> most of them are about 10 minutes. some are a little longer, some a little shorter that is what youtube limited me to initially and people said they like it because that is about how long you can krol focus on something. seriously, people have researchers said that is how long people can pay attention. >> stephen: how many of these videos have you made. >> there's 2300 videos. >> stephen: you made 2300 videos. but that is teaching more
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courses than most people can ever take in their life. where do you get your information. i mean do you know all these things before you teach it or dow teach yourself first. >> sort of like, the stuff i started off with like the math and physics and economics, that was kind of pie background so those i kind of just did. but now when i do french revolution i do look on wick pedestriania and read up on it. i do. >> stephen: wikapedia. >> well, that's actually. >> stephen: you do some heavy research. >> i do. and i click on the footnotes, though, i make sure. i'm responsible. >> stephen: so what, do you have an objective with the kuan academy? >> you know, i am keeping on making videos. we're translating them into ten languages. building out this software piece so people can get exercises. they're using them this schools. the idea is anyone anywhere with an internet connection with use this to learn anything. >> stephen: where do you get your money? >> we are, we get it from
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donations. >> stephen: from? who is-- you got a sugar daddy? >> you know, our two biggest donors so far have been google and bill gates through the gates foundation and we have a few more that have been helping us out. >> stephen: if people watch these videos at home, why do we need teachers? that is another thing, we can crush those wisconsin teachers with this, right? >> and this is what we-- if i'm a teacher i don't want to give the same lecture t is crazy to have everyone giving the same lecture, dow it one time. so what we are seeing in classrooms is it is kind of liberating teachers. instead of giving a one size fits all lecture to a bunch of students, now they can assign this as homework and the kids can come not class and do homework there and actually interact and take advantage of the fact that there is actually people in the room there that you can get help from. >> stephen: so homework books room work and at home you get to watch youtube.
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>> yes, yes, exactly right. >> stephen: that would be the greatest school i've ever heard of. mr. salomon kuan, thank you so much. >> (cheers and applause) >> stephen: from the kuan
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