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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 16, 2011 6:00pm-6:30pm PST

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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome to "the daily show", my na is jon stewart. on the program tonight, my guest... we are excited tonight. my guest, astronaut-- you heard me correctly-- astronaut and author mark kelly. did you know, when mark kelry was a little boy he dreamed of growing up to be a regional copper wiring distributor. (laughter) but he was a failure! (laughter) and ended up having to as roe naught. (laughter) i think that's a verb for being a astronaut. i'm not sure. anyway, just two and a half weeks ago we found out republican presidential candidate herman cain had sexual harassment issues when the national restaurant association settled some lawsuits for him setting off a media firestorm which lasted until six days ago when republican presidential candidate rick perry fired the brain fart heard round the world. (laughter) also setting off a media firestorm.
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but, again, that's six days ago! daddy need another hit of gas because once again the race to determine the most qualified opponent to challenge the current leader of the free world in the november 2012 general election is boring me! anyone? >> is this a rick perry "oops" moment for herman cain? (laughter) go on. (laughter) >> herman cain caught on camera with an incredibly awkward and rambling explanation for his position on libya. >> i call it his dazed and confused moment. >> the cain train. i tell you what, it goes off the tracks. >> another very awkward moment. >> final straw, maybe, for a sinking campaign? >> serious brain freeze. >> that whole tape was sort of like a car crash. (laughter). >> jon: you're exaggerating! there's no way what i'm about to
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show people will live up in my try the hyperbolic glee that we are all displaying. roll the tape. >> so you agree with president obama on libya or not? >> okay, libya. (laughter) (laughter and applause) wow! wow! holy (bleep). it's like he's trying to down lead to answer but... (laughter). it's stwhraws little ball is spinning, he's just buffering! >> president obama supported the uprising, correct? president obama called for the removal of qaddafi.
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i just want to make sure we're talking about the same thing before i say yes i agree or no i didn't agree. >> jon: i just want to say something here. this is not a spelling be where you can just ask the moderator for the language of origin to buy yourself some time. "could you use that in a sentence?" (laughter) like "most conservative republican voters feel president obama's handling of libya was--" (laughter) blank. (cheers and applause) i'm sure he was getting around to answering the question at hand. >> i do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reasons: um... no, that's a different one. (laughter and applause) >> jon: (whispering) i am falling in love with you. (laughter)
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that's a different one? (laughter) what reason... what is cain going through in his mental rolodex. no, that's my policy regarding a woman named lydia. all right. (laughter) this is... no, that's my position on the location of the labia. that's not it. (laughter) oh, that's the funny comedian from the movie "hey lady!" come on, cain. you're forgetting the cardinal rule: if you study high you have to be high when you take the test! (laughter) pull it together! (cheers and applause) >> i've got to go back. i've got all this stuff twirling around in my head. (laughter). >> jon: no, i feel for you, you know? i have a lot of things twirling around in my head as well. difficult but you know being president's a real nonstop head stuff twirl fest. (laughter) if i may quote abraham lincoln.
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(laughter) eventually, though, once the stuff stops twirling, herman cain did come up with an answer. >> i would have done a better job of determining who the opposition is. and i'm sure that our intelligence people had that... had some of that information. based upon who made up that opposition, okay, based upon who made up that opposition, might have caused me to make some different decisions ant how we participated. >> jon: i see. so you've narrowed it down to you would have done the same thing or something different. (laughter) why didn't you just ignore the question, shake your head and go "999? ". >> reporter: mr. cain, do you think the libya comments reenforce... >> let us go through. >> reporter: dhash you don't have a thorough understanding of foreign policy?
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>> 999. (laughter and applause) >> jon: more for more on the fallout, we turn senior political correspondent jason jones who's at campaign headquarters. as you heard in the question previously, does herman cain's answer on libya continue to just reinforce the idea he's not yet ready to compete on a policy level with the other g.o.p. candidates? >> jon, before we talk about lib yarks cain's advisors are adamantly insisting that this sexual harassment scandal is not over and that who knows how many more women could still be out there. (laughter) >> jon: cain's advisors? >> that is correct. according to my sources here, the american people don't want to hear about some obscure
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foreign war! they want to hear about the issues that matter: like herman cain's possibly unstoppable urge to put his hand-- or hands, or feet-- up ladies' skirts. >> jon: herman cain's advisors want to change the subject from libya to herman cain's sexual harassment scandal? >> yes. theafl the longer the lamestream media focuses on foreign policy-- or really policy in general-- the more it hurts their guy. >> jon: right, but i'm not sure that charges of sexual harassment and confusion other his campaign's handling of it have been particularly help to feel cain, either. >> right. right. but i want to show you something real quick. >> libya. (laughter) >> jon: people can take a sexual creep in the white house, but nobody's going for that! (laughter) >> jon: i can't believe...
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what's the campaign do now? >> well, they're going rejigger their strategy. it's already starting with new campaign slogans. (laughter) that's a good one. they're also considering this. (laughter) or, jon, maybe something a little more classic. (laughter and applause) >> jon: none of those seem particularly helpful. sneum or he could always go back to talking about libya. >> jon: point taken, thank you very much,
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back to the show. as many of you watch the program, i'm a bit of a news connoisseur. my office is wired. got 16 t.v.s all simultaneously tuned to news channels, eight high speed wi-fi hot spots. got a power glove hooked up to one of them minority report screens so i can slide footage around in realtime. that's how we make the montages. (laughter) point is, i've seen my share of crazy (bleep) on t.v. monday night, though, brian williams new show, the insanity bar was raised. bob costas gets a phone call from former penn state coach and accused child rapist jerry sandusky. now, i'm no lawyer, but it seems to me when you're accused of one of the most heinous crimes imaginable you may not want to literally phone in your defense
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(laughter) on national television. >> are you sexually attracted to young boys? to underage boys? >> am i sexually attracted to underage boys? >> jon: did you just repeat the question? (laughter) because you must have known that question was coming but everyone knows the only time you repeat a question is when you're guilty! (laughter) "did you use my electric razor to shave your pubes?" "did i use your electric razor to shave my pubes?" (laughter) you're about to lie! i don't have to be a lawyer to know that a lie is coming. i've lied before. so i poe what you do before you lie! (laughs) >> am i sexually attracted to underage boys? sexually attracted? you know, i enjoy young people. i love to be around them. i... i... but no. i'm not sexually attracted to young boys.
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(audience reacts) >> jon: you can't even bring yourself to lie emphatically! good god no! sexually attracted to! i'm not! it's like in that phone conversation you're actually fighting the urge to come clean! and if you weren't prepared for that question, it wasn't going to get easier. >> what about mike mcqueary, the grad assistant who in 2002 walked into the shower where he says in specific detail that you were forcibly raping a boy who appeared to be ten or 11 years old. >> we were showering and horsing around and he actually turned all the showers on and was actually sliding across the floor and we were, as i recall, possibly like snap ago towel, horse play. (audience reacts)
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>> jon: first of all, good on bob costas, nice job. second of all, horseplay? are you (bleep)ing kidding us? horseplay? (applause) you know, horseplay...... horseplay is wrestling your friend out of a pillow fort. throwing your nephew into the pool, various other things that would be never mistaken for rape. (laughter) by the way, in case you're wondering, where the hell is sandusky's lawyer while he's saying all this? he's sitting right next to bob costas! (audience reacts) >> would you allow your own children to be alone with your client? >> absolutely. i... i believe in jerry's innocence. quite honestly, bob, that's why i'm involved in the case. >> jon: right, you'd leave your kids alone with jerry sandusky. are the kids you would leave alone with them any of the kids you had when you impregnate add teenaged client in 1996? (audience reacts) when you were at the time 49 years old? what kind of creepy guy club do
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you both belong to? (laughter) i'm not a lawyer here, but, again... (cheers and applause) if you're accused of sex with minors, forcible sex, maybe your criteria for finding a defense lawyer shouldn't be "also has issues with sexual boundaries." (laughter) sandusky, you're a defensive coordinator. you should have been able to coordinate a better defense. (laughter) and you should have done it 20 years ago. it's easy, you could have called the prevent defense. you know, or the prevent-me defense. when the ball snaps pull all your (bleep)ing linemen and send everybody to prevent you from moving 50 yards within a kid! done! (cheers and applause) we'll be right ay, people, let's get started.
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pete, did you forget yours? me pete, me use pen! (laughter) sorry i'm late, i was in the 16th century looking for pete's pen. (laughter) guys, guys. take it easy, ok? pete's mom is videochatting me, and she wants her pen back!
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ok, alright, well. i just got one. so... yeah, you've got a little... yep, i can feel the wet patch. don't look at it. when it's on your mind, it's on ebay.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back, my guest tonight, he was a captain in the united states navy. he was an astronaut. his new book which he cowrote with his wife arizona congresswoman gabrielle giffords is called "gabby, a story of courage and hope." please welcome to the program mark kelly. (cheers and applause) so nice to see you, thank you for joining us. >> great to be here. >> jon: the book is called "gabby, a story of courage and hope." i have to tell you, i'm reading the book and the temptation is, you know, you're an astronaut who marries a congresswoman. the temptation is to skip the rough parts, the tragedy, and
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read it as a fairy tale. because it is in some respects a remarkable love story between two extraordinary people. >> well, thank you. but we tried to include all the parts so... you know, i think gabby's happy with how it came out and it's... you know, we're happy with the book. >> jon: is it therapeutic to write this after having gone through what you guys went through over the past year? >> it is. it's sometimes hard, though. you know, we... especially on the weekends when i'd spend a lot of time with her going over it, it's hard to relive some of the stuff, some of the parts. we'd sometimes have to take a break from it. but i think the whole experience for both of us was generally pretty positive. >> jon: i saw some of the footage, the interview with diane sawyer, the... you recorded an awful lot of where she's come since january until now. it's kind of... it's amazing. you forget the trauma was so great. it's remarkable she's alive. >> i think without the video in
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the beginning some people wouldn't realize what that whole journey would be like. we talk about in the the book. but it's something to see it. it wasn't planned i just thought, you know, at the beginning of this that at some point she's going to want to see it, never thinking we might use it on t.v. >> jon: this is going to sound like a strange observation but in reading it, there was one part in there that really struck me and it's such a small thing. you said that in your relationship she spoke 70% of the time. >> at least. i mean, she was a real talker. (laughter) >> jon: so once the accident... you really had to do-- especially in the beginning-- 100%, 95% of the talking. i don't know if people realize, like even that, what a drastic change in your relationship. >> big change. in the beginning it was 100%, for a long period of time and everybody around her and she was such a talkative person and inquisitive, and she still is. the difference is now i'm... even today i'm carrying most of the conversation. it's changing on a weekly basis. she's getting bet we are that,
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but it was a big change for us. >> jon: how did... i'm reading the this story. you're a kid from new jersey-- such as myself-- the same size... (laughter). and yet you end up in space married to a congresswoman. (laughter) >> a jewish congresswoman. >> jon: and i'm married to a catholic woman and i've never left the tristate area. (applause) so really shouldn't we be more... we're compadres. i would say twin sons but off twin brother who has also been the to space. >> i think you could probably do my job but i don't think i'd have it... i wouldn't be able to sit there and do what you do. >> jon: mark, there is no way i can do your job. (laughter) there is good stuff in here, too, about the pressures... you know, you flew your final mission and the final shuttle mission while you were also feeling very responsible for a lot of gabby's recovery. how difficult was that decision to make? >> it was really hard.
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i wanted her to be more of a part of the decision when we made it but she wasn't really able to express herself that well then so i just kind of took a leap of faith. now, i do know her really well and i knew one thing i wasn't going to do is hear for the rest of my life "how did you give that up because of what happened to me?" and so she's very... very happy with the decision. it's remarkable how the two of you push each other very well, urge each other on, motivate each other. back in the day she's trying to motivate you to move on from maybe joining... becoming an admiral and going to the joint chiefs and now with her recovery you're always saying to her "not good enough, form a word, what word is that? keep going, gabby." the two of you... did you always have a relationship tha was... you could motivateach other very well? >> i think so. we always complemented each other pretty well. she was always a big fan of my military service and my career and always tried to push me along with that and now... today
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in the situation we're in i'm doing a lot more of the encouraging but i know that's going to get probably back to more of a balance eventually. looking forward to that. >> jon: do you think in her mind, are her thoughts more sophisticated tan her ability to communicate? is that something that you're able to disern? >> absolutely. her cognition and her ability to understand everything and understand what people say and... a couple people asked me this week being up here would she recognize me. well, of course. i mean, if she knew you before, she's going to know you now just the same as always. so those things haven't changed. it's just the communication she struggles with. but it's... you know, leaps and bounds every week. >> jon: and how are her doctors feeling about all that? she's now much more an outpatient but still doing therapy. she passed up... she was going to have a meeting with president obama, had to fly back for rehab. she still sticks to that schedule. >> she doesn't miss many days of therapy now. with the show on tonight she may have to take a day off tomorrow so she can watch your show.
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(laughter). >> jon: i think it's important to watch the show and miss rehab. >> the highlight of her day. >> jon: to watch you on this show? >> no, to watch you, watch "the daily show." she watches very... on the weekends she watches the news programs but during the week after dinner she watches "the daily show" from the night before. (audience reacts) sneul reaply. >> that's right. >> jon: i'm going to have do a better job! (laughs) now that i know important people are watching i have to try a little harder. now what about you? you're a guy. you've always been running around. have you thought about what you want to do next? >> well, the biggest thing i want to do is make sure that she has everything she needs to get better. she wants to get back to southern arizona, serve her con stitcconstituents, get back to congress. she's going to make this decision on her own terms when she's ready to make the decision and we'll see what happens. but i theme to support her for now. >> jon: wow. it's an incredibly moving and wonderful story and i wish the two of you the greatest success.
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so nice to see you. and please wish her well for me. oh, i'll just say it myself since i know she's watching. does she fast forward through the commercials? >> jon: i was doing that so she's probably going to do it tonight. >> jon: on the bookshelves now, mark kelly. [ boing! boing! ] [ ah-oogah! ] [ blueshirt ] this is dan. dan just bought a new phone. choosing a new smart phone can be stressful. but it wasn't for dan. because he chose phone freedom at best buy.
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: hey, that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. our guest i believe will be diane keaton and i guess all i
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have to say is... go to bed, gabby. no, you know what, stay up and watch colbert. i think you'll find it very entertaining. here it is, your moment of zen. >> i mean, they asked me a question about libya and i paused so i could gather my thoughts. it was a pause! that's all captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )


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