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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 22, 2012 6:00pm-6:30pm PST

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>> february 21, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show" my name is jon stewart. this is... this tonight will be a good episode of our program. how good? former three-term wisconsin senator russ feingold good. (cheers and applause) feingold, jerry, feingold. we begin tonight in new jersey where i was very proud last friday to say that the state
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legislature, the state where i grew up voted to legalize gay marriage. (cheers and applause) unfortunately, like most events in new jersey, it was immediately thrown off course by a loud italian guy. >> a bill legalizing same-sex marriage approved by the new jersey legislature has been vetoed by christie. >> i believe that the institution of marriage as it's traditionally known is between one man and one woman and that it should stay that way in new jersey. (boos). >> jon: in n new jersey... hey, pipe it down! (laughter) in new jersey we believe marriage should be as it always was intended between one indicted orange-faced man and a woman with high bangs and dead eyes. (cheers and applause) chris christie... how you doing? how you doing? nice to see you? how you doing? chris christie seems to have a fundamental misunderstanding of marriage equality. specifically, the equality part. it's surprising since he, too, is a member of a group society
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does not always grant a full measure of respect. i'm referring, of course, to christie's choice to live openly as an obese american. (laughter) i wonder what his position would be on this marriage question if the national discussion went thusly. >> i'm not in favor of fat marriage. i don't think you can redefine marriage. fat marriage is wrong. we fought hard and prevented massachusetts from becoming the las vegas of fat marriage. >> new york is a place with lots of fats but i'm not in favor of fat marriage. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> jon: i mean honestly, it makes as much sense as stopping gay marriage. so get over it, christie. but, hey, vetoing bills is the governor's prerogative. in virginia, their governor bob mcdonald is signing a bill coming out of his legislature. i wonder if it's to legalize gay marriage. >> the legislation would require
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any woman getting an abortion to first have a transvaginal ultrasound. >> oh, man! transvaginal ultrasound! the 15-member jazz fusion chorus band? those guys are awesome! i saw them at the beacon in '94! they were amazing! transvaginal ultrasound! ♪ transvaginal ultrasound... (cheers and applause) wait a minute. oh, not the band, the other with the wand and the hoo hoo. (laughter) yes, that virginia law is the subject of tonight's installment of the pew fanny state. (laughter) now, because the majority of abortions have performed in the first trimester, if you're going to get an ultrasound image as the law requires the law states any woman seeking to have the legal procedure known as an abortion must, whether she wants to or not, first lay back in a chair her spread legged feet in stirrups and have an eight to ten inch wand put inside her.
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even if the woman in question is pregnant as a result of a rape. i don't really have a joke here. i just thought i'd tell you. on the plus side, the women would not be forced to look at that image. see? so it's all good. during the entire wand forcibly inserted in your most private area experience you still have complete and total control over what direction your head is turned. so just set your ipod to shuffle, flip through a copy of "vanity fair" and ignore the fact you're being handled like a human popsicle. okay. feel lucky? virginia could have forced you to watch the image like in the distopian classic "clockwork orange." but instead, they're just going to be coming at you with a giant phallic object like in "clockwork orange." (laughter) at this point i'm almost afraid to ask. what kind of man would introduce
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a bill that infringes on woman's right to such a degree? >> the bill was introduced by lynchburg delegate kathy byron. >> a lady? (boos). >> jon: and by the way, lynchburg? enough with the lin-sanity, okay? (laughter) does everything have to have a "lin" in front of it. say the name of the town, inchburg. no town in 2012 in the south would be named after a heinous act against its most... what's that? (laughter) really? all over the south? well, that is lin-sensitive. (laughter) look, i guess kathy byron advocates substituting government intrusion for patients' personal medical decisions. >> state efforts to mandate the h.p.v. vaccine to minors have raised a variety of concerns. the substitution of our judgment for the judgment of parents is exactly the type of government intrusion into health care that america rejected at the polls
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last november. >> jon: i'm sorry. i'm sorry. all i heard was you support americans rejecting intrusive poles and... (laughter). that's what i've been trying to tell you! (cheers and applause) look at that (bleep)ing thing. seriously. i know most doctors brag about the size of these but, seriously. (laughter) and governor bob mcdonald, he's for the mandatory ultrasounds. is there anything he considers too intrusive? >> full-body patdowns that a lot of people are upset about going through the t.s.a. lines. what are your thoughts on that? >> i think that's probably over the line with regard to people's concerns about privacy and their civil liberties. >> okay, okay. (boos). >> jon: they're not booing, they're saying "bruce." (laughter) we did earlier a springsteen strong. let me explain the concerns about privacy and liberty in the bill you're about to sign.
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women might consider this bill a t.s.a. patdown inside their vagina. (laughter) and by the way, it's not that virginia legislators don't understand the concept of forced violation. the sporters of this mandatory ultrasound bill believe many things rise to that level. for instance, virginia republican delegate bob marshall believes that the health care reform bill put forth by obama is not regulation of voluntary commercial intercourse, more adown forcible economic rape. see in bob marshall feels like having to buy something you don't want is like being raped. oh, the cable package i want has to have the lifetime movie network? no! stop raping me! (laughter) whereas having something shoved inside your genitals against your will is not rape. he thinks that's not raped. it's like a regional skweurbg. like some places in the country called soda pop. i guess what i can't figure out is whatever happened to the
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republicans being the party of personal libber any don't they remember this guy? >> the nine most terrifying words in the english language are "i'm from the government and i'm here to help." >> jon: i got nine scarier words for you. (as ronald reagan) "i'm from the government and this wand's a little cold."
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. let's check in with "back in black." >> ten days ago we lost a great performer, whitney houston. and as with past celebrity deaths, the media observed her passing in the tradition of the native americans-- by using every part of the tragedy. (laughter) for instance, did you know with very little skill you can turn a song catalog into hours of terrible segways. >> for a time, she was pop's greatest love of all. >> plus whitney houston's greatest love. inside her rocky relationship with bobby brown. >> and fans who, despite her sad unraveling, will always love
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her. >> we won't have to be remembering her sound track from "the bodyguard," if only she'd guarded her own body better. (audience reacts) >> hey (bleep) hole! someone died! can we cool it with the word play? when cronkite announced the death of j.f.k., it wasn't with a clever "ask not who got shot in dallas today." (laughter) as for cnn's resident hearse chaser nancy grace, she managed to turn the tragic accident into murder mystery dinner theater. >> we're going to find out what was in her system and i'd like to find out who, if anyone, put it in her system or gave it to her. now, i'd like to know who was around her, who if anyone gave her a drug following alcohol and drugs and who let her slip or pushed her underneath that water. >> of course! she was pushed underwater! and i know who did it!
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the duke lacrosse team! (laughter and applause) it's the only possible explanation for someone dying after years of drug addiction. of course, while the throwing out murder allegations is only the first stage of grief. soon nancy entered the second stage-- doubling down. >> can't you just say "you know what, i was wildly speculating and i'm sorry"? isn't that what you should be saying? >> that is not speculation, dan. >> it's not speculation she may have been pushed under the water? >> i know that you probably have never tried a murder case or been in a morgue or attended an autopsy. but the reality is that's why you have an autopsy. >> yes. that's why we do autopsies. that's also why we wait for the results (bleep) hole! (cheers and applause)
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and p.s., nancy, i've been to a morgue. you know what's nice about it? in a morgue everyone who's had their brains removed keeps their mouths shut! of course, no one knows about good taste in the face of tragedy like eric bowlen. the guy who went on fox business news to talk about the heart break of losing his safety deposit box of cash on 9/11. for him, whitney's death was a cautionary tale for none other than democratic congresswoman maxine waters. >> what is going on in california? how's this? congresswoman, you saw what happened to whitney houston. step away from the crack pipe. step away from the company tphabgs. step away... >> she's not using drugs. >> it's going to get you in trouble. (boos) >> well, there you have it! a beloved pop icon's death used to criticize the democrats'
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choice for the banking committee. but, hey, why stop there? whitney probably wouldn't have had all those prescription drugs if not for obamacare! (laughter) thankfully, eric bolling apologized with all the sincerity of a kid dragged to the neighbor's porch by his dad. >> all right, before we get started i just want to say i was kidding about the crack pipe. just kidding. >> (laughs) i get it! they're both black ladies! i love you! you're great, eric bolling. finally a guy who says what only ass (bleep)s are thinking. (cheers and applause) who? too soon? just kidding. jon? >> jo
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(cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight served for 18 years as a united states senator from wisconsin. his new book is called "while america sleeps: a wakeup call for the post-9/11 era." welcome back to the program russ feingold. (cheers and applause) how are you? >> very good. thanks for having me on. >> jon: the book is called "while america sleeps." it is one of the scariest bedtime stories you could ever read.
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(laughter) it's a children's book, am i right? pictures to come. >> absolutely. >> jon: it sort of begins 9/11 and sort of how... talks about how the government lost our minds a little bit, went into iraq, did a lot of things. as you're watching now-- and we were talking about this with the audience earlier-- do you feel us moving in that direction again with iran? and do you think... is it easy for america to bomb them since it's only really one letter off anyway? (laughter) >> there might be some confusion. the problem is after 9/11 we sort of had things right for a while. there was sort of a feeling of unity, we were going to pay attention to the rest of the world. the way we went into afghanistan was measured. but then iraq occurred and all of a sudden we decided we had to do something... it was like a game of risk. you had to invade a country and you have to keep your troops there. then you invade another country. so we did afghanistan, we did iraq, and now it feels like instead of looking at the global
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threat of al qaeda and other issues, now it's all iran. iran 24 hours a day because it suit it is purposes of the conservative candidates who want to try to embarrass the president. so we don't have the global attention that i thought we all agreed we had to have after we were surprised and awakened on 9/11. >> jon: couldn't we-- if it is risk-- just, as i would end those games, knock the board over? (laughter) >> it's an idea. i'd prefer the game of scrabble in this situation. >> jon: sure. sure. >> where you have to kind of think in two directions. you might notice that yemen is close to somalia and that's close to where there's an islamic group in northern africa who are creating some of these problems. >> jon: wait, you're not saying that we should bomb them? >> here's what we ought to do. we ought to at least know what's going on. and we don't have a presence in the rest of the world. >> jon: it's changing so quickly. even the time it took to just print up a book-- a lot of this
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focuses on yemen and somalia-- now it's shifted to syria and iran and so many other places. it moves so quickly we almost don't have time. >> it's hard. the analogy i use is when we were kids there were just seven or eight... >> jon: is this about risk again? >> this isn't about risk. this is about seven or eight baseball teams when we were kid. we knew all the baseball teams. now the world is also very complicated compared to what it was when we were kids. when we were kids it was the soviet union and the united states. yes, there are many places we have to be concerned about. but you know what? we don't have a choice anymore. we have to learn about the rest of the world. we have to know about who is actually willing to work with us in places like northern africa and southeast asia. we can't go "gee, today it's iran. tomorrow it's yemen, the next day it's indonesia." it doesn't work. >> jon: to sum up, you're suggesting that we should do like they do in baseball-- consolidate. there should only be six to eight countries? >> that's exactly right. to make it like a game of risk where you have these huge globs of countries. >> jon: campaign finance was
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an enormous undertaking for you. mccain-feingold obviously took you... how long did it take to put that? >> it took eight years to get that done. >> jon: eight years to get that done. so what is your feeling on the state of campaign finance in america today vis-a-vis is there any? (laughter) >> it could be better. the truth is that mccain-feingold was bit on this foundation and actually worked to stop direct contributions to the political parties and politicians raising it. what the supreme court did is n citizens united was destroy the entire foundation and now we have corporations and unions able to use their treasuries directly to do the stuff they've never been able to do since the gilded age, since teddy roosevelt. >> jon: you know i remember after mccain-feingold passed the 527s came out. was this a loophole they found almost immediately? >> no, they could not do that directly from the corporate treasuries and actually i believe that was illegal as well at the time. that should have been in court. we don't have an agency in the federal government... the
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federal elections commission doesn't enforce the law. so we have a terrible situation unless the supreme court reverses, which i think it may at some point in the future, if the president is reelected and able to get different supreme court justices. in the meantime, we have a meltdown and a very... the worst corruption perhaps in 100 years. >> jon: is citizens united the issue or is it the issue when they ultimately decided money equals speech? is that the more fundamental foundation of this that makes it more difficult? because once you decide that, as long as your money doesn't yell "fire" in a crowded theater... (laughter). >> well, the court never actually concluded that money is speech in all cases. they said if it causes corruption or appearance of corruption you can regulate it. that's why you have limits on campaign contributions under federal law. so the problem is citizens united. it overturned a law from 1907 that nobody ever questioned and another law from 1947. so basically the supreme court just made it up. it was one of the worst decisions in the history of the country and it's the only decision... (applause).
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it's the only decision i can remember that the average citizen knows about. they know something's wrong and this whole thing is going to collapse and we'll have to clean it up. >> jon: everybody you talked to says that. there's not a politician you talk to doesn't say "the biggest problem in our system is the influence of money." "what should we do about that?" "i don't know, we should do something about that. ". (laughter) even mccain-feingold, you're still... the foundation is still the termite-infested foundation we started with. why won't... why doesn't public financing of elections just... if we have the ability to regulate it, why not just say this is the way we're going to do it. the elections are 12 weeks, it's publicly financed, this is how it goes. >> well, public financing is the answer. we used to have a good system for presidential public financing and it sort of went by the wayside, it needs to be fixed. we've never had it for congressional elections. >> jon: when did it go by the wayside? >> unfortunately in the last election president obama decided that... candidate obama decided not to take public financing
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and... >> jon: and he's going to do superpacs now. >> he's going to be involved with his cabinet members with this and i disagree and santorum and romney and gingrich are going to their actual super pac events themselves. >> jon: but they're not coordinating with them, just telling them what to do. >> no more than your super pac is doing that. >> jon: i would never coordinate. you have no idea what you can write checks for. >> that's what i want to know. >> jon: king of the world. are you feeling hopeful about the future of the political will to go to a different system of elections? >> oh, yeah. i think this thing is going to come to a head. i think people are going to find out what is going on in some of these conversations you and others are having with your super pacs and there's going to be an explosion of corruption that brings change just like mccain-feingold. it was the scandals that came up... >> jon: watergate? >> watergate was the first one and then the $400,000 check from the indonesian gardener under president clinton. >> jon: i love how that rolls
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off your tongue. $400,000 from the indonesian gardener under president clinton." do you have two seconds? we'll throw this up on the web. "while america sleeps." it's on the bookshelves now. russ
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>> jon: that's our show for tonight. here it is, your moment of zen. >> it's an interesting experiment. but here's my point: you can't put a dun rag on

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