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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 19, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PDT

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(cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show, here it is, your moment of zen. >> jeffrey neely didn't show up to the g.s.a. hearing on the hill but that didn't mean he wasn't seen because here he is taking a daytime dip in a hot tub with what l >> stephen: tonight, should schools teach our kids about sex? and will teachers have to pay for their own supplies? (laughter) then, how to survive the apocalypse. you'll need someone you can trust and/or cut open and crawl inside. (laughter) and my guest is huffington post
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co-founder arianna huffington. to make sure the interview appears on her site, i've planned several nip slips. only 100 days until the london olympics. i can't wait to see the queen in the hammer throw. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. please, please, save your energy folks. folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. i want to very specifically not
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give a shoutout to my bronys tonight. (laughter) i feel like i've been sucked into a dark corner of humanity. i'm crawling my way back towards the light. nation, now that we conservatives are all thrilled to have no option but mitt romney speculation turns to who will be forced to accept as his running mate. now, often the v.p. slot is filled by a strong former candidate and they don't come any stronger or more former than rick santorum. (laughter) not only is he socially conservative but he's recently proven that he meant everything he said during the campaign. >> rick santorum, mincing no words about what he thinks of mitt romney. in a letter to iowa voters this week, santorum says "it truly fright frightens me to think what will happen if mitt romney is the nominee." >> stephen: okay, that sounds rough. (laughter) but clearly rick is just proving
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his pro-family credentials by rejecting any partnership with another man. (laughter) so who is romney's perfect match? the i didn't know to his yank who can appeal to his cop serveive the base without being more interesting than he is? well, folks, we'll explore that question in tonight's installment of "mitt romney: searching for mr. right." (cheers and applause) now a lot of names are being tossed out right now for the vice presidential slot, but one name is surging to the top of the list of people you've never heard of. jim? >> romney has to start the process of selecting a running mate. ohio senator rob portman is the latest object of speculation for an inside track.
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>> rob portman would help in ohio. very smart and conservative. >> rob portman leaves the save and solid category. >> rob portman, a seasoned though not scintillating washington veteran of congress. >> romney is better served with a portman, somebody not as exciting. >> go boring. put portman on the ticket. >> yes, nothing fires up the base like boring. because romney doesn't want somebody who's going to upstage him and just look at these two together. it's like the blabd leading the bland. (laughter) although i've got to say now that i see them side by side i wonder if portman might have too much charisma. i mean, blue shirt, red tie. those are colors in the visible spectrum. (laughter) maybe romney should go with something blander like a headless joseph a. bank mannequin or a rice cake or a heel of white bread. no, they're all too fascinating. damn it. who can mitt romney find who won't overshadow him?
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wait! that's it! the perfect ticket! romney/romney shadow 2012. (cheers and applause) and the best part is it will change positions every time he does! (applause) now, folks, you watch the show, you know i do not believe teaching kids sex education. you don't need to know any of the gorey details until your wedding night then, in the honeymoon suite that's when mrs. febert wheels in the chalk board. i'm a big proponent of abstinence only education which has proven effective with only one exception-- it doesn't work. (laughter) you see, a new report from the national center for health statistics shows that states with abstinence only education have higher teen pregnancy rates and, of course, they're con
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conveniently leaving out the fact that for nine months those girls are not getting pregnant. that's progress. now thankfully there's a sure fire way to strengthen our sexless ed curriculum and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) gateway hug. folks, the problem with abstinence only education is that it asks kids to abstain only from sex. not from everything that leads up to it. you know, first base, second base, whatever the kids call it these days. well... (laughter) luckily lawmakers in tennessee have found a way to nip this problem in the budding sexuality for more we go to action news 5, memphis's knew leader. >> tennessee senators have approved an updiet the state's abstinence based sex education law. >> a new bill says holding hands
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and kissing could be considered a gateway to having sex. >> the bill prohibits teachers from showing gateway sexual activity. >> stephen: teachers must stop showing gateway sexual activity. it's not enough to ban showing how to put a condom on a banana. we have to stop teaching our kids how to french kiss a cantaloupe. (laughter) now i believe that this law is vital because things like holding hands and kissing are just like gateway drugs. (laughter) i mean, think about it, kissing and huging are just the last stop before the train pulls into groin central station. (laughter) now we desperately need to intervene earlier, to keep kids from engaging in gateway-gateway sexual activities. you know... (laughter) all the things that lead to the things that lead to sex.
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it's a slippery slope. and teachers must not tell you how it got slippery. so here's what we've got to the do... (applause) no being attractive. for boys that means less time to choose an instrument in music class. everyone gets a tuba. they will stay virgins well into their 20s. and, girls, it's very important. no cheerleading, no hair flipping, no cute laughing, no using green apple shampoo that a boy can smell from four rows back. why audrey? why did you torment me with your fragrance? (laughter) but you know, you know what really leads to leading to sex? eye contact. (laughter)
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and because the subtlest glance could lead to sexual activity that's why i believe every child should be fitted with a pair of horse blinders. (laughter) even if they somehow catch a glimpse of the opposite sex, no one's going to get it on with a tuba playing kid wearing horse blinders. (laughter) of course the ultimate gateway to sex is puberty. those raging hormones coursing through our kids veins have only one purpose: to turn them into mindless sex zombies. (laughter) that's why every child should sign a pledge promising not to go through puberty until after they are married. because i believe puber city a chiz. and ladies and gentlemen if our children lack the self-control to hold in their hormones then we have no option to spay or neuter them. i'm talking the full bob barker.
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(laughter) now... (laughter) i hear what people are thinking about there. sterilizing our children may sound cruel but it's necessary to protect what is most precious to us: our beliefs that abstinence-only education works. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) slow. bet you think you're pretty quick? yeah, i guess it is pretty quick. jesse?!? jesse? jesse?!
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. nation, i truly admire the scholarly research being done on the national geographic channel. endeavors like "wicked tuna," "american weed" and "wild sex." >> the white whale is armed with the largest penis relative to body size of all whale. this preseine'll love tool is over two and a half feet long. >> stephen: and that's in cold water. (laughter) but, folks, my favorite nat geo show has to be the new series "doomsday prepers." jim? >> 700 cans. >> 241 pounds of cucumbers.
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we have enough for every individual in the house. >> this is the life-style we live. >> doomsday preppers. >> stephen: yes, a show about people obsessed with the imminent collapse of civilization. there hasn't been anything like that on t.v. in over a year. (laughter) now... (cheers and applause) my... my mayan viewers will know that the world will end this december 21. so if you want to live, pay close attention to stephen colbert's end of the world of the week. (cheers and applause) those of you out there who wish to have a place in the coming crater-scape will need befriend a doomsday prepper. someone who plans by stockpiling fuel, water, food and weapons and developing survivor strategies. they're prepared for the end of
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the world-- or at least a week wednesday ted nugent. and they are all ready for the unthinkable. and they each unthink it will be something different. >> i'm preparing for the second worldwide great depression. >> i'm preparing for the possibility of a devastating earthquake in the city of los angeles. >> i'm preparing for a electromagnetic pulse that will disable the transportation system of the united states. >> i'm preparing for the yellowstone national park's supervolcano to explode. (laughter) >> stephen: don't think it's coming? yellowstone's been practice thysing every hour for thousands of years. (laughter) and those aren't the only threats to a prepper. >> as a entrepreneurper, he knows at any moment the unexpected can happen. >> what happened? it was one of those malfunctions from the barrel and it went off. >> stephen: oh my god. he accidentally blew him thumb off. now how will he accidentally shoot other things? (laughter)
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folks, these preppers are not just a bunch bunch of gun nuts. they're all kinds of nuts. >> some people say oh, i just want to have guns and, frankly, i think that's pretty stupid. marauding bands come, i'll show them how much food i've got, invite them some sort of feast and charm them and if i decide they can be useful and cooperative, great, otherwise i'll poison them or cut their throats in their sleep oring in slyke that. (audience reacts) >> stephen: yeah. and remember if you're a doomsday hippy prepper murdering your guests, save the scrotum, they make great hackky sacks. (laughter) and doomsday prepers has a practical side. at the end of every profile nat geo calls in experts to rate the preppers' prepping. >> the review estimates your bugout vehicle has only enough gas to take you 300 miles. at a minimum, mexico is 320
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miles from houston. >> stephen: very important. in the radiation strewn hell scape you want to make sure you have gas to get somewhere known for safety and stability. (laughter) mexico. now, that... (cheers and applause) that, folks (applause) this helping part of the prepping, that's my favorite thing about doomsday prepers. he's not only documenting this behavior, it's encouraging it. imagine how much cooler "hoarders" would be if instead of trying to cure them they went in and said "these stacks of newspapers are good but you're missing some new york times from 1977. get on it." (laughter) so, folks, i want you to go on, nat geo. i'm looking for future seasons of doomsday preppers. but not too many future seasons. that would make the whole thing look kind of silly.
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>> stephen: (cheers and applause) welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. my guest tonight runs the huffington post which just won its first pulitzer prize. (cheers and applause) i'll ask which one of alec baldwin's blog posts clinched it. please welcome arianna huffington. (cheers and applause) arianna, so lovely to see you again. >> you, too, stephen. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: you started the huffington post in 2005. >> same year you started "the colbert report." >> stephen: exactly. and you and i are just racing towards the accolades. (laughter) now, you know, i like you, i don't like your politics, i think you're a cancer on america. (laughter) but you seem like a nice lady so i want to say... i'm sure you earned it. what specifically did the huffington post win for?
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was it for nip slips? what was the article? >> you know what, stephen? i have a feeling that you're just bitter and jealous. >> stephen: oh, am i? am any how's your peabody, baby? how's your peabody? maybe my peabody could fight your pulitzer. >> that's my whole point. you just won a mere peabody and we won a pulitzer. and do you know what george fawcett peabody did? >> stephen: he cured cancer. >> no, he was the anti-colbert. he was an anti-war activist. he was the treasurer of the dean see. he got... d.n.c. he got a degree from harvard. >> stephen: we all have youthful indiscretions. i went to dartmouth. i don't talk about it much. >> i'm really sure that deep in your subconscious you wish you had won a pulitzer because you know what pulitzer did? he almost single-handedly started the spanish american war. >> remember the "maine," baby! you're happy the spanish killed
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our boys in the havana harbor. you still have parties about it with hillary! i saw her dancing, celebrating the death of those men on the "maine." >> you just need a little therapy. >> stephen: (bleep) about your pulitzer prize. as a web site you won a pulitzer prize, right? >> right. >> stephen: you can also with a peabody with a web site, right? >> who needs a peabody when you have a pulitzer? (cheers and applause) >> i need something to keep all my emmys and grammys company. >> i'm glad i'm here because you need to stopping a a gaiting the huffing to be post-. >> stephen: that's a good point. >> do you know how much of our material you use. >> stephen: all of it. put up what we got here. a year ago i started the colbuffington repost. you aggregate from all over the
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internet and i reaggregate from all over your web site and... i hope you're here to give me my repulitzer. >> just a few weeks ago we had a tech reporter risk his life to bring to our readers an amazing story. the california company that created this remote helicopter and then a few days later we come as we always do to watch your show and what happens? you had used the exact same story for an entire segment and sold advertising against it. >> stephen: and then i watched your site the next day and you had run my clip of me quoting your web site. (laughter) and i believe at that point the internet ate itself. arianna, let's get to the seriousness here. i know you love to make jokes but i want to be serious about this.
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this article was about our troops. it was by veteran reporter david wood called "beyond the battlefield." what does this article outline. >> well, actually, if we can be serious for a moment, the same thing you did last week, asking people how to help our military families that are ignored, especially during this campaign, that's what david wood's ten-part series on returning vet dealing with their struggles, their wounds, the impact on their families and communities. at the end of this story there was an entire story about what we could do to help. so here you and i can agree that a huge underreported fact of america that's ignored. (applause) >> dave: so if you're a supporter of our troops why don't you have more conservative voices on the huffington post? because right now you're just
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like opposite. what if you and rupert murdoch just go to a field and settle this with pistols? >> stephen: whoa who is writing your questions, joe the plumber? (laughter) >> stephen: i wish he was. i wish he was. the man's a patriot. >> you're just so behind. >> stephen: you don't have any conservative voices. >> we have tons. >> stephen: who? paul krugman? >> read before you aggregate. it's a great rule of the internet. >> stephen: i don't have to. it happens automatically. >> you would know the huffington post is not about right versus left it's about right versus wrong. (applause) >> stephen: that's a lovely bumper sticker you have there. (laughter) so what is next now that you have millions and millions of views a day, now that you've got legitimacy?
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>> what's next to me is to learn to cook. >> stephen: you're greek and you don't know how the cook? >> you know what it is like to be greek and not knowing how to cook. it's like being french and not knowing how to have afternoon sex. (laughter) >> stephen: well, arianna, thank you so much for joining me. congratulations. (cheers and applause) good luck. the arianna huffington, the huffington post. we'll be right
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