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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 30, 2012 6:30pm-7:00pm PDT

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> we heard that he was quote unquote going to charge $800. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >>ú >> stephen: tonight, can liberals and conservatives find common ground? yes, if the conservatives can drill for oil on it. (laughter) and my guest, harvard professor michael sandell has a new book called "what money expect buy." it's pandas, i've tried. (laughter) i like to think outside the box. then when i'm tired of thinking i get back in my box. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. very nice. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you so much. thank you. welcome to the "report," good to have you with us. nation, as you know, i love space exploration. venus, jupiter, planet hollywood. (laughter) i'm all for colonizing mars if it has really good buffalo wings. (laughter) and i'm totally jacked into the space scene.
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i've trained with nasa. i've talked to astronauts in orbit and i have a treadmill named after me on the international space station. (cheers and applause) i am pretty much the biggest name going in space. with all due respect to the late carl sagan, (bleep) you carl sagan. (laughter and applause) it's painful or me to witness the dismantling of the space flight program. >> the "discovery" is piggybacking to its new home in washington, d.c., the smithsonian institute. >> "discovery", the oldest of the three remaining orbiters flew 39 missions, 148 plus million miles. >> bad, too, because we won't see it again. >> stephen: it's more than sad. it's embarrassing to see the old shuttle caught on camera getting petty sex from a 747. (laughter) that, folks, that is not even
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the nastiest. they have also announced they are decommissioning space book, the social networking site for nasa employees. we have lost the space book race! (laughter) this is the worst news in interstellar social network since the downfall of my (laughter) according to an internal nasa memo, participation been as high. on average, only 14 users log in per weekday and zero on the weekend. yes, space book averaged zero users on the weekend. some weekends three users logged in, others, apparently, negative three. (laughter) although it is gone, i'm certainly glad we had space book for as long as we did. i will never forget as a child being inspired by neil armstrong's famous status update "small stepping, giant leaping,
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hashtag man time" (cheers and applause) nation, if there's one thing we can all agree on is that half of us won't agree on even that. (laughter) liberals and conservatives don't see eye to eye on anything. if fox news says that water is a liquid the "new york times" will do three columns on how hydrogen is a gas and oxygen is openly gay. (laughter) with neither side wanting to give an inch, especially since the lefties are still trying to move us to the metric system. now, fortunately there's a way to bridge the partisan divide and it's tonight's word. (cheers and applause) united we can't stand them. (laughter) folks, if you've spent any time watching msnbc lately, you should change the batteries in your remote, they're obviously dead. (laughter) but if you do... if you do watch msnbc, you might have seen this. >> concerned about american's huge carbon footprint?
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you should be concerned about immigration. sound crazy? immigrants produce four times more carbon emissions in the u.s. than in their home country. reducing immigration won't solve global warming but it is part of a solution. (audience reacts) yes, immigrants cause global warming. i never noticed the connection before but it makes sense. it's always an immigrant who's cutting my grass with that exhaust-spewing lawn mower. (laughter) not to mention, folks, their spacy food always increases my emissions. (laughter) now, folks, i don't believe global warming exists and even if it does you can never convince me it's man made. but now i know it's caused by immigrants. (laughter) saving the planet by demonizing immigrants gives liberals and conservatives something they can do together.
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now when a liberal yammers on about the record heat we had this winter, a conservative can say "let's save the environment by building an electrified border fence that runs on alternative energy." (laughter) and, liberals, liberals, you know you can trust this ad because the group behind it, californians for population stabilization, shares your concerns about the environment. that's why their web site talks about anchor babies, the mexican reconquista movement to reclaim california and recycling, as they call it, bottle and can deportation. (laughter) and, folks, they know immigrants have four times the carbon footprint once they get to the u.s. because of a study that says on average americans burn much more carbon per capita than the country's immigrants
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typically come from so any immigrant who comes to our country is immediately one of the worst polluters on the planet! (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, again, lefty environmentalists, you can trust this study because it came from the center for immigration studies which was founded by john canton who, according to the southern poverty law center has for decades been at the heart of the white nationalist scene and has met with leading white supremacists. (audience reacts) i'm sure he's just pressuring the klan to make their cross burnings carbon neutral. (laughter) i say... folks... i say why stop with global warming. there are so many problems on which conservatives and liberals can come together to blame immigrants. for instance, liberals, listen up. are you concerned about our lax gun laws? you should be concerned about
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immigration. did you know that when immigrants come to america they can waltz into any gun show and buy a firearm with no waiting period or background check? (laughter) and liberals, let me ask you this. are you concerned about poverty? then you should be concerned about immigration. did you know that no matter what their economic status back home, 23% of non-naturalized immigrants here live below the poverty line. i think we finally did something to help the poor... by sending them away. (laughter) so liberalss, liberals, conservatives, let's make sure america continues to be a country people strive to come to by taking out the people who came here. because only by finding someone we can blame for the issues that divide us could americans ever hope to come together to not address them.
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(laughter) and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. thank you. nation, a body is 60% water, that's why to stay healthy every couple of months i choke down a brit a filter. this is cheating death with dr. stephen t. colbert, t.s.a.. (cheers and applause) as always, cheating death is
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brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. remember, diuretic before analgesic, you will be sick. analgesic before diuretic, copacetic. (laughter) first up, weight loss. (laughter) folks, i always keep up with the latest dieting trends. right now i'm on the subway diet. i only eat things i find on the subway. (audience reacts) but perhaps no one is more weight conscious than brides to be. on her special day, a woman wants that wow factor. and sometimes it's just not enough to put the bridesmaid into something hideous. luckily there's a new way to drop pounds before you and your husband say "i do" and then spend the rest of your lives getting fat together. jim? >> for the walk down the aisle more and more brides to be are trying something you usually see in hospitals. up to ten days tied to a feeding tube just like that. (audience reacts) >> the diet which promises to
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help you shed 20 pounds in just ten days. dieters insert a feeding tube into their nose... (audience reacts) ... which runs through-to-the stomach. they're fed a constant slow drip of protein and fat. >> stephen: by the way, ladies, add that to your reception dinner choices. (laughter) chicken, fish, or slow drip of protein and fat. (laughter) remember, fellas, it's bad luck to see the bride with the feeding tube in before the wedding day. (laughter) also, it's horrifying. (laughter) but, folks, if you already are getting a tube shoved in, why stop at the stomach? that's why prescott proud to introduce vxoduct. 29 feet of plastic tubing that goes from your mouth all the way to your anus. once installed, just shove anything you want into your face and it will just slide through your pants completely intact.
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(cheers and applause) with vaxoduct, you won't just hit your goal weight, you'll hit your birth weight. (laughter) side effects include vapor bones labias corpus and mao tse-tung. (laughter) next up, reproductive health. as the fight over women's birth control continues, finally the's a birth control procedure that will allow men to be sluts, too. it's called vasil gel, it's highly effective and lasts for over ten years. that's long enough for sting to have sex twice. (laughter) and the procedure only last 15 minutes. while the man is totally awake, a doctor makes a small hole in the base of your scrotum, reaches in with a pair of
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forceps, pulls out your vase deference, then use thes a needle to inject the polymer gel which coats the walls of the vas deference that kills any sperm that passes through it, then they stitch you up and slap on a bag of frozen peas. (laughter) it's so effective that just describing the procedure makes most men lose interest in having sex according to a recent study of me just now. (laughter) (applause) and good news. it's completely reversible, but this time instead of injecting you with a sperm-murdering jelly they inject water and baking soda to flush out the gel. of course you want to avoid consuming any vinegar for 24 hours before the baking soda procedure to keep from getting volcano wang. unfortunately, at the moment, v gel is not available in the
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united states so to provide american men with birth control that painfully injects poison into your taint, prescott is proud to introduce a stylish thong containing a live scorpion. (laughter) simply slip scorpotricycline on and let it get to work on your junk. plus, it's completely reversible in that the underwear is reversible. the scorpion poison in your testicles is permanent. side effects of scorpotricylin include stress falls, deviated rectum and arachnuts. that's it for cheating death brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. keep all boats away from the laboratories, you have been warned. until next time, i'll see you in hell. (cheers and applause) [ train whistle blows ]
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[ ball hitting paddle ] ♪ riding to work, with my best friend pete ♪ ♪ pete, pete, pete ♪ riding to work with my best friend pete ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is here to talk about the moral limits of the market. perfect. i've been shorting integrity for years. please welcome michael sandell. (cheers and applause) dr. sandell thank you so much for coming back, good to see you again.
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>> good to be here. >> stephen: sir, for the people who don't know you are the robert m. bash government professor at harvard where you teach a very popular class called justice. >> correct. >> stephen: now you've got a new book here. it's called "what money can't buy. : the moral limits of the market (clears throat) (laughter) what do you mean the moral limits of the market? you don't believe in the free market? i mean, your book is on the market, right? your book's on the market. so is it freedom you don't like? which one is it? what is the problem? what are the moral limits of the market? >> well, it's really about the growing role of money and markets in our society. >> stephen: it's a free market society. why would thant be growing? >> it's free market society for talking about flat screen televisions, material goods. but moving up the ladder, the american dream,. >> stephen: the free market does that.
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for everything and everyone. >> well, let's explore that a little bit. >> stephen: why not? >> money, markets, and market values have been reaching into almost every sphere of life: personal relations, everycation, health, civic life. >> stephen: absolutely. >> national security. >> stephen: education, absolutely. it has to. pay your kids for good grades. (laughter) >> well, there are some cities where the schools are paying kids for good grades or they're paying $2 to third graders for each book they read. >> stephen: what's wrong with that? it's incentivizing. >> well, one question is whether it works but the bigger question is will the cash, the market values crowd out the love of learning? learning for its own sake? >> stephen: there's no such thing as learning for its own sake. (laughter) you learn so you can earn money. the one who knows the answer
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gets the money. that's the rules of "jeopardy." (laughter) right? >> i have a hunch that even passionate free market advocates like you do draw certain more limits to market. >> stephen: i doubt it. (laughter) give me a scenario mr. amoral man? >> okay. >> stephen: what's the scenario that i could not inject the free market into. >> suppose you were sentenced to jail in california and you didn't like the standard jail cell. you can buy a prison cell upgrade for $82. do you think that's a good idea? >> stephen: yes. >> you would go for that? >> stephen: yes, because i've done some stuff in california that i hope they never found out about. what's wrong with that? that's paying society back. that's paying your debt to society with cash. that incentivizes people to save some of their getaway money and give it to the justices.
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what else? what's the next one? >> immigration. if you've got a lot of money you're more likely to be allowed to stay in the united states. >> actually, if a foreigner invests $500,000 and creates ten american jobs it comes with a green card. >> stephen: so you already know i won the argument. why are you... you gave me these things you know you're going to lose on. if someone is investing in houses then they are... certainly right now we have a depressed housing market, they're helping build this country instead of sponging off this country and running up our carbon footprint. i don't know if you were listening before. (laughter) >> we could go one step further and they if you, as an american citizen, needed the money... suppose there were a wealthy saudi who really wanted to come should you have you have the right to sell your citizenship, swap places with the well shi
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saudi? >> stephen: and do i get to be the wealthy saud economy? they live a pretty high life, my friend. >> you get to.... >> stephen: take the cash and be a wealthy saud di. >> how much would you charge? what price would you demand to sell your citizenship? >> stephen: i'd... boy, i would want them to have my financial level and i get their financial level. we've have to trade our financial status. >> but that's not how the market works. >> stephen: no, it does! supply and demand. supply is me! one colbert. it's a very rare commodity. but i guess the problem you have it seems to me is you think people are using money as a value system? >> right. >> stephen: what's that? money itself has its own value. the numbers are right on the bill. it makes it very simple. and you don't like something
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called the spy boxfycation of america. what does that mean? >> the more money can buy the greater the tendency for the affluent to live separate lives. >> yes, i have a gated community. (laughter) >> well, that's not so good for democracy in why? we have little meetings where we vote who can live with us. (laughter) >> let me test you on one other test of your market space. >> yes. >> half the people don't use their vote in the presidential election. >> yes. >> stephen: why let it go to waste? why shouldn't we have a free market, allow them to sell their votes to people who really want that vote. would you be in favor of that? >> stephen: i'm looking for something to do we my super pac next. (cheers and applause) >> how much would i have to pay you to buy your vote in the 2012 presidential campaign? >> stephen: how much?
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um, i'm going... i'm using it though this time. i care this time. so i wouldn't sell it this time. >> it's priceless? >> this time it's priceless. >> so there are some things that money can't buy. >> stephen: not right now. (applause) not right now. but once i trade places with that saudi prince, you can have it. thank you so much. michael sandell, the book is "what money can't buy." but you can buy the book. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ [ male announcer ] introducing new dentyne split to fit pack. it splits in to two smaller, sleeker packs that fit almost anywhere so you can take them everywhere. dentyne split to fit. practice safe breath.
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