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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 7, 2012 6:00pm-6:30pm PDT

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like, if kerry had his policies in place today is a saddam hussein would not only be in baghdad but he would be in curate. >> , kuwait. >> he would not only be in baghdad, but kuwait. >> oh, my gosh. >> blurry ed gillespie is divisive and partisan. >> by the way, blurry gillespie also the name of a less than heralded trumpet player. >> nobody ever booked blurry, just dizzy. >> there is more. >> the attack rom rom wouldn't have done. >> you see in the bush ad saying, you know, he is a strong leader, you don't see him saying and that guy, you know, would have done something different. >> yeah, yeah, the democrats have used him to project how a hypothetical president romney would act. and it is so devious of democrats to steal that tactic. >> the cerebral cortex, back
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fake. >> now we have to get back to the place where terrorists are a. >> how can romney protect us when he doesn't understand the threat. >> this is president obama and i approve this message. >> no, no, you don't approve of the that message. you think it is divisive and partisan. the guy just said that. before our other troubling aspects to this anniversary. >> one might expect the president would say great day, great job on behalf of the navy seals. >> i would do what the president is supposed to do is give credit to others and those on the front line. >> stewart: yes, thank you. that is trouble. why can't president obama say something like this. >> give thanks for the men who carried out this operation. >> hangs to the remarkable courage and precision of our forces. >> thanks to our intelligence professionals and special forces. >> the pilots who landed the helicopter.
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>> the troops, the steels, we killed osama bin laden. [ cheers and applause ] >> stewart: honestly, i think he thanked everybody but harvey weinstein. >> unbelievable. now, by the way, in a cacophony of galling forgetfulness, aka bald heimer, pa talkie stands alone. >> thank the people who made it all possible. >> here is george pa tau can i and at 2004 republican convention. >> on september 11th, al qaeda attacked again, but this time they made a terrible mistake. there is one thing they didn't bank on, they didn't bank on george w. bush. >> he mobilized our forces and went to afghanistan. >> george bush protected our
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country and he protects it still! >> stewart: by himself! >> because george bush is ironman! >> that is a fact!, now to be fair not everybody is criticizing obama for the ad, some are criticizing about talking about the ad. the obama team now is trying to magnify the political benefit of the raid with that campaign ad suggesting mitt romney may not have ordered it n the rough-and-tumble of a campaign such distortions may be commonplace, but for the president himself to do it in the presence of a foreign leader in the white house rings one word to mind. yuck. >> stewart: by the way if you enjoyed that you should check out brit hume's new show, brit hume one word reviews. good. really? >> smurftastic.
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>> rrrrr. >> i get it, you can't (bleep) on your opponent during an official function. like greet ago head of state. i am just curious did your cerebral cortex not record this bush election year gem with iraqi prime minister allawi. >> to the world is better off with saddam hussein sitting in a prison cell. >> that stands in stark contrast to the statement my opponent made yesterday. yuck. >> there is plenty more where that came from. look, republicans, yeah, the obama ad, kind of (bleep), a little of a cheap shot, but the only reason you are pissed is that you didn't get to run it. because let's face it, if bin had been killed on bush's watch this would have been the ad you are running with. >> he was responsible for one of our darkest days, one of the most evil men in history. >> stewart: and i got him! that's right. that's me.
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george w osama bin laden killing bush. >> no, please, mr. president. you are going down! texas style! >> death is a dish best served barbecue. >> where was kerry? sailing to pussy island. >> you have a president with epicot balls. i don't know where he was hiding. reagan told me in a dream. >> one for the gipper, george. >> you are welcome, america. take that beardy! yeeeeehaaaa!!! >> i am george w. bush and i sure as hell approve this message. >> stewart: we will be right back.
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learn how at got the mirrors all adjusted? you can see everything ok? just stay off the freeways, all right? i don't want you going out on those yet. mmm-hmm. and just leave your phone in your purse. i don't want you texting, all right? daddy...ok! ok, here you go. be careful. thanks dad. call me -- but not while you're driving. ♪ [ dad ] we knew this day was coming. that's why we bought a subaru. ♪
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>> stewart: in a new story, a segment we call back in black. >> i have sad news. if you are eating right now, chances are you are not eating what you think you are eating. unless you are having a hot dog. then you know you are eating pig anuses. have you ever eaten kobe beef? no, you haven't. you just paid for kobe beef. in fact, you can't even buy kobe beef in this country because it is only made in japan, and it is illegal to import it. so if your local bistro is serving kobe sliders, just go across the street to white castle, have that (bleep), have
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the exact same (bleep) thing. these people are pissing on our legs and telling us it is champagne! and it is not just meat. a report be advocacy group association ia tested seafood around los angeles and found consumers buying one fish but getting another. >> the word for sushi restaurants, 87 percent, john, 100 percent of the snapper that was tested was wrong. >> stewart: snapper calamity lap i can't, who gives a (bleep)! that's what the ketchup is for! look, lie all you want about your baked beef or your mystery fish, but this is inexcusable. >> dunkin''s artisan beige criminal as authentic as it gets. >> really, authentic bagels? because unless you change your name from dunkin' donuts and ellis island, then i doubt it. >> in fact, a bake never queens
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is even filed a legal complaint, not about the lousy bagels but that they are abusing the word artisan. >> what do you think artisan means? >> i believe it is well crafted and san means one who cares. i think batter does really, really good things. >> what a surprise, a hipster talking out of his butt. >> well, let me help you out and whatever (bleep) your name is. artisan. a crafts person who produces something in limited quantities, often using traditional methods. >> in other words, not this stuff! >> and dunkin' donuts isn't alone. plenty of companies are trying to convince us the their cheeses lovingly crafted by peasants and the fish is individually inspected from lake water on the
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chocolate. here is a good rule of thumb. if you your product is served by dumping it out of a plastic bag into a bowl of microwave jelly, it is not artisan. and if it takes less than 30 minutes to make and deliver, i am not sure it is even food. >> at dominoes we always said yes you want your pizza delivered we said yes but when it comes to our artisan pizzas we are saying, no. story. sorry. i can't do that. can i have a pepperoni. >> no. who do you think you are? gordon rans day. the only time someone at domino's says no to me is if i just walked in and asked, hey, can i take a dump in your sink? short of that, the answer is yes, sir! this is america. and there is only one thing in this country that is made in
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small batches, the traditional way, and deserves to be called artismal, and that is our -- hand crafted. hand crafted in a single bathtub, using only the finest drano, the way grandma used to make it. jon. >> stewart: thank you, louis. we will be right back. cq
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[ applause ]. >> stewart: we are back. our guest tonight, the founder and president of, is called the jefferson -- exposing the myths you always believed about thomas jefferson, please welcome back david martin! >> how are you?
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>> long time, no see. >> stewart: yes, you are as prolific as always. the book is called the jefferson lies. so what is -- in your mind, what is the purpose for the book? what are the lies that you -- >> it is the same thing you started with at the beginning, letting people speak for themselves. same thing with jefferson. too many people speak for him and don't speak what he said, they don't even agree with what he said, so they reportray him and they have 19,000 letters, i want to go back and get what he said. >> stewart: what would you say is a major misconception people have about him that a lot of us focus on his feelings toward religion. >> probably the biggest feeling that he is an atheist or secular st and he wasn't, his actions, his giving, his money, now he had some comments you could take out of context, just like what the clips you showed but if you look at hundreds of religious letters you don't get the sense he is an atheist. >> stewart: what do you mean we put it out of the context? >> i got, i got involved in
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politics and saw that so many times. they know what the other side is doing. >> stewart: now my opinion of jefferson was never -- i was never taught that he was an atheist. >> yes. >> stewart: or even a secular st. >> the sense i got, the teemption about jefferson were that he loved and respected jesus and felt that conventional religion, indoctrination, he was more nondenominational. >> exactly. >> stewart: so he is -- is that an argument being made that he is an atheist? >> absolutely. >> stewart: where is that being made. >> so many places, especially with atheist societies or billboards up in the northwest, jefferson is an atheist and quoting, there are so many folks. it goes back to a book -- >> stewart: you do know nobody listens to them. >> that's the fun part, but what happens is they become a talking point in lawsuits and in cases when we go, for example, people use jefferson all the time, hey you can't do religious stuff at a school, jefferson is opposed
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to do it and use those kind of quotes, there has to be another decide that says no he was not opposed. >> stewart: he was in many ways a very different kind of politician for that time with religion. >> oh, yeah. >> stewart: he did try and reconcile it seems his belief in dock trims of jesus of modern at this and science and i always thought, when you say secular, is that a negative word to you? >> no, not necessarily, but it means religion free, and secular being religion free he wasn't a religion free guy, he didn't exclude religion from what he did, i am going to compartmentalize religion and here is everything else. he let it get into everything. >> stewart: he didn't mean to say it exactly like that, but -- because i never viewed the word secular as religion free. i always viewed it as nonspecific, as far as religion, like you would say the nfl is secular. >> right. >> stewart: but they pray after every game. >> i am involved with too many
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court cases and when you get in court secular is religion free. >> stewart: is it possible that because you are involved in these court cases and you are on the front line of that that your perspective of this as a larger problem may be over blown because the majority of people -- because you are fighting those. >> it could be, but at the same time i speak at a ton of law schools and find the same thing, from particularly the professors and they go nuts when i say jefferson was not an anti-religious -- >> yes, he was so they have got -- >> stewart: maybe they are confusing the idea he is against, you know, he was against despots and hated kings and priests. >> i mean, his religious freedom, good stuff, and clearly not a secular guy in the sense that they mean it where he is religion free and opposed to religion. >> stewart: from my perspective, it is hard not to
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think that, you know, christians in the christian community feel under attack right now, they feel like they are having a rough run of it. would that be a fair statement? >> i would say they feel that way, i would say national polling goes that way and what i feel is christians are arrested for simply doing what i call free speech. >> stewart: right. now where are they arrested. >> for example mark falling stood on a sidewalk and gave the gospel of jon who would take it and did johns for handing out bibles who whoever would take it. >> what was the charge. >> they didn't have a parade permit. >> but was it a parade? two guys on the sidewalk? i guess because coming up, coming at it from a nonchristian or religious perspective, christianity seems pretty safe in this country, and pretty ubiquitous. >> i mean you have 83 percent of the nation that says it is christian but when you go to
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public policy stuff, we had a kid in st. louis praying over, a five-year old kid praying over his lunch and the teacher took him physically out of the chair and -- >> stewart: i would think that teacher would get in a lot of trouble. >> no. actually, that is why -- >> stewart: the teacher picked a five-year up by the scruff of their neck and turned him when like this and said you will not pray over your lunch and the kid got in trouble. >> the principal did the same thing the teacher did. >> stewart: then they are idiots. >> exactly. where did they get that? where did they get that sense and where do we find? we just had a hearing in the senate on this, 67 single space pages of all of these singular incidents like this, there is a hostility and hostility is being fueled by people saying this is what jefferson wanted this is what he was all about. >> stewart: that's the connection? >> that's the connection. >> stewart: on the flip side of it, it feels like it is the most accepted thing we have other than, let's say snack foods. >> what is that? >> stewart: christianity, and i mean, people are -- churches
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are ubiquitous, mega churches, they say at the benediction when the president is sworn in, if you are not christian, it is hard to feel that they are having a rough ride because of these anecdotal -- of these idiots that occasionally pop up. >> it is not occasional, it is pattern, here is what i argue at law schools and get a lot of pushback. why do you treat religious and free speech speech one and the same. >> no, religion is different than free and that's the mentality that says free speech is okay over here but religious speech can't get the same protection so that goes back to the jefferson thing, they said jefferson -- >> stewart: i look at religion as being protective of free speech, maybe i am viewing it wrong. >> i do too. >> stewart: i am looking at and it is, i don't generally see, unless they are doing it in, like, you know what? let's go to a commercial and come back. i want to talk about the difference between your
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definition of public and my definition of public, because i think that might be different as well. but it is interesting. the jefferson lies, on the bookshelves now, david barton. [ male announcer ] zero calories, maximum pepsi taste.
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>> stewart: that's our show. i guess i will do it for you, mr. president. thank you, field team 6, thank you cia intelligence gatherers and than captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight how much do we tell our kids about is sexuality? that's enough. (laughter) then a new convenience for gun owners, i hope you'll stop shooting long enough to hear about it. and my guest actress diane keaton is here. la dee da, la dee da. the new york yankees have their own cologne. it's made from the most
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expensive ingredients of all the competing colognes. this is "the lbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. good to see you here. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to you have with us, please, nation. folks, -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: okay, folks. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you make me so happy.
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will you make me the luckiest host in the world, and be my audience for the rest of my life? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so, when are you having kids. nation, you probably heard, there's a huge international crisis brewing. no, not in syria, we're still ignoring that. (laughter) this times there's big trouble in big china. >> the obama administration trying to diffuse a diplomatic crisis developing this morning with china. >> dissident chen guangcheng is at the centre of all the drama after making his escape from an 18 month house arrest. he's been at odds with the government since the '90s. is now believed he's in the protection of the u.s. embassy in beijing.


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