tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central May 9, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PDT
captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. come on! khrapbt i love it! i love it. welcome to the "report," good to have you with us one and all nation thank you for that burst of energy. (laughter) frankly, i need it. the 2012 election just does not have t same vazz that we had in 2008. (laughter) even "rolling stone" is asking "is the this the most boring election ever?"
(laughter) the answer, no. as always in "rolling stone", the top spot on any list must go to bob dylan's "highway 61 revisited." classic album. but, folks, this lack of passion has got me furious. this is america goddamn it! we invented elections! we should have the most exciting ones! but right now we're having our coulo handed to us by mexico! (applause) they have got their presidential election coming up on july 1. or, as they call it, cinco de mayo. (laughter) and, folks, folks, you want to talk excitement? just look at their latest debate. >> mexico hosted its first presidential debate of the campaign sunday night, but no one was looking at the candidates, apparently. that's because of, well, this. former "playboy" playmate juliaorrianna appeared as an
usher. her skin tight dress and plunging neckline sent twitter buzzing almost immediately. one candidate said she left the male debaters breathless. (laughter). >> stephen: our presidential candidates talk about contraceptives. theirs should really wear one. (laughter) i mean, the candidates down in mexico had to struggle to stay focused on the debate. here is new aoeu lines party candidate gabe gabrielle quadry analyzing her firm rebuttal. (cheers and applause) no apologies from quadry, he simply explained it's i believe possible not to concentrate your attention on a woman so spectacular. it's all summed up in his campaign slogan "quadry, 2012: mi gusto las grandees."
(applause) and the young lady, the ex-playmate, was so concerned about the situation she sat down for an in-depth interview with the journalist some have called mexico's edward r. murrow, monico chimpanzon. (laughter) not only are their elections more exciting, their cable news has more credibility. (laughter) why can't we do that up here? (cheers and applause) why can't we do that up here? i mean come on anderson cooper! is it too much to ask you to moderate a debate as a white tigheer? (laughter) he still looks good. (laughter) because we have to do something. not only do we not have bodacious playboy debate mates, i think one of our presidential candidates just moved the whole situation in the wrong
direction. and you foe just what i'm talking about. this afternoon your marriage started faleing a little weak, didn't it? you got a sudden urge to abandon your family and go antiquing up at the cape. (laughter) it's always because today barack obama became the first sitting president to push the rainbow button and launch game-a-geddon. jim? >> i'm going go ahead and affirm that... (cheers and applause) >> stephen: no, stop! wait, i... what am i doing? get out of here? >> we just bought a dog together! >> stephen: this is a mistake! i'm sorry. >> you're going to have to tell my mother. >> stephen: i'm sorry! (cheers and applause)
i'm never going to get to the deposit back on this hall. thanks a lot, aob. i cannot believe a sitting president endorsed gay marriage in the oval office! sully ago room once reserved for straight hummers from interns. (cheers and applause) and, folks, we will have more on this dramatic announcement tomorrow because that interview that aob gave does not air until tomorrow's "good morning america." you won't want to miss it. so set your alarms to gay o'clock. (applause) folks, folks, i will tell you the reason the president is doing this right now, it's called political cover. this august he'll take the democratic national convention to north carolina which last night bravely defended traditional penis-in-vagina
marriage. (laughter) >> voters in north carolina overwhelmingly approved a constitutional amendment which defines marriage as solely between a man and a woman. >> stephen: ha! suck it, gays! (laughter) by which i mean do not. (cheers and applause) and once the antigay marriage forces have successfully stuck it to gay couples, they celebrated in style. >> supporters of the measure had a wedding cake at their party with a bride and groom on top. >top. >> stephen: you know, i just... you just dream of that special day when you can find your soul mate and together you can celebrate your love of denying people their rights. i'm sorry.
(applause) i always cry at the prevention of weddings. (laughter) folks, what i love most about this bill is that by preventing gay people have from having the legal right to marry it not only protects traditional straight marriage but also helps preserve traditional straight stereotypes of gayness! because i believe gay people should be having hot sweaty depraved anonymous man piles in the basement of technoclubs devoid of the slightest emotional connection as god intended! (cheers and applause) so congratulations, north carolina, last night you struck a decisive blow for loneliness. and tonight as you go to sleep beside your heterosexual life mate, you can rest assured that all across your great state a gay man or lesbian woman is
(cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back everybody. thank you so much. folks, if you watch the show, you know i'm something of an art authority. a year ago i became the toast of the art world when my likeness was arted upon by shepherd ferry and looked at by the fare of minimalism frank stella. the resulting masterpiece was praised by renown art connoisseur steve martin who proclaimed its hanging bracket sturdy. then it sold at auction for $26,000. meaning my painting made more money than most art teachers. (audience reacts) so i know an art superstar when i see one, folks, and tonight i celebrate a new one! painter john mcnaughton who is quickly becoming the darling of conservative art lovers. >> one of the hottest new trends is pop culture is the art of
utah painter john mcnaughton. >> to ought of this painting. the ought happens to be one of the most beautiful paintings i saw, the enlightness of all these presidents with the message that is there. it's a very emotional and moving thing. >> stephen: he's right. it's a very emotional thing and a very moving thing with the art and the message that is there. (applause) sorry, little frog in my throat. he's not the only one who is moved. one of mcnaughton's biggest fans, art aficionado and televised bag of hammers sean hannity immediately identified one of the most significant questions concerning mcnaughton's art. >> apparently this other one... i first saw it on the drudge report, it's, what, six feet long? i don't know if i can afford the six-foot one. >> stephen: yes. (laughter) fine art is like fine fruit. you sell it by the foot. (laughter) but sean was able... sean was
able to afford one mcnaughton painting, this masterpiece, one nation under socialism. (audience reacts) there's the president pointing to the constitution that he has set on fire. it could mean anything. (laughter) as the artist says "i like to use metaphor and multiple levels of meaning." it's complicated so let me explicate the painting's message on its multiple metaphorical levels. barack obama represents... president obama. (laughter) and the burning constitution represents... the constitution on fire. (laughter) i didn't get it at first, either. i'm just glad the art world finally has a great conservative master to balance out all the liberal hacks. i mean, we get it, jackson pollock! raise taxes on the top 1% of wage earners to redistribute their wealth e thus preserving the social safety net. a little heavy handed.
(applause) now, folks, one nation under socialism... they love it. they love it. they love the john mctphaulgton. (laughter) now one nation under socialism here is just the latest offer in mcnaughton's rich ao *ufr. (laughter) i don't even know what that word means. this is an encore to his earlier work "the forgotten man" which shows obama trampling the constitution in front of all the other presidents and it's so life like you can almost hear the founding fathers standing behind him "who gave that slave a suit?" (laughter) (cheers and applause) and, folks, no retrospective of this bouillon cubist would be complete without mentioning his masterpiece "one nation under god" which depicts jesus presenting america the constitution he just wrote.
(laughter) and founding father jesus is surrounded by other great americans. george washington. ababraham lincoln. ronald reagan. it's like where's waldo only what you're searching for is the smallest hint of subtlety. (laughter) now, folks, here's a treat. here's a real treat. if you go to mcnaughton's web site you can scroll over the figures in the painting for explanations of every symbolic person. like the liberal news reporter. satan. and mr. hollywood. (laughter) although you can't really blame mr. hollywood for immersing himself in the liberal entertainment industry. i mean, with that name, what other profession could he go into? laughter) (cheers and applause) hand in hand. but, folks, you don't have to take it from me that this is important ground-breaking art. take it from the number one john
is high art. i believe it is very emotional, very moving what with the message that is there on the dress. please welcome anna wintour. thank you so much for coming. all right, tough guy. (laughter) i've got a bone to pick you w you? you ready? >> of course. >> stephen: you got this... besides everybody knows you're the editor-in-chief of "vogue," okay. that's what i admire about you. >> yes. >> stephen: because like with one hesitation you can destroy someone's career. what do you think of this dress? well i... hmm. dead! >> don't you think you could take a few more risks with the way you're dressing? >> what are you talking about? my suit isn't buttoned and i went with a foreign hand not. that's crazy, i should at least have a half windsor. >> now that you're endorsing gay
marriage, tad would be disappointed in your look. (audience reacts) excuse me! excuse me, madam! tad wanted us to wear linen calf tans and do it barefoot on a beach, so you don't want his fashion advice. >> i'm all for that. >> i'm not endorsing gay marriage, i'm resisting gay marriage. you here in the fashion world, stock? are there gay people in the fashion world? (laughter) are you as angry as i am about this gay marriage thing? >> i am thrilled. there were tears in the office of "vogue" today in the support of gay marriage. we're thrilled about the president. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you're reinforcing the hateful stereotype. >> i think it's a long overdue endorsement and we're honored he's come forward finally. >> stephen: okay. the thing that i want to really pick the bone with you on is you've got this... you're here in support of the exhibition at
the metropolitan museum of art, their costume institute. >> correct. >> stephen: there's a show going on called scalp really and prada, impossible conversations. >> that's right. tell the good people who scaparelli was. >> she worked in paris at the same time as chanel. she worked with dahl i and cocteau and was very independent and a feminist before her time. i think she had a rather sad life because when she was a kid she thought she was so ugly she planted seeds on her face so beauty would grow. (audience reacts) and she had a rather... >> couric: wow. >> yes. >> stephen: that's heartbreaking. but beautiful at the same time. don't suck me into your gay world! don't you do it! don't make me have feelings for fashion, young lady. but the argument of this show is talking about whether fashion
can be art. what do you believe? >> i believe both. i believe fashion can be just simply something that you wear like yourself. or something that... (laughter). >> stephen: you mean something that i rock! >> and something that can be truly creative and change the way people look at culture and fashion. >> stephen: clothes are commerce. that's all they are. >> i think clothes also reflect the culture and the time. if you look at a great fashion picture, say, of the '60s it tells you just as much as what was going on in the world as the headline of the "new york times." fashion is self-expression. fashion is really about, you know, if you're talking about a great designer like prada, she's going far deeper than just simply things you put on your back. she's examining what's happening in the world through art, through film, through music and really that's what this exhibition is really trying to talk about. >> stephen: well, i don't really trust prada. (laughter)
my understanding is the devil wears prada. (cheers and applause) this is a christian nation, madam! this is a christian nation. i'll tell youing? that bugs me. >> stephen: that movie was so last year. (cheers and applause) >> we've gone way beyond that. >> stephen: what i don't get is you have two italians here. this is an american museum. why not have one of the brooks brothers talking to abercrombie or fitch. (laughter) >> this is... believe it or not, this is not about where they're from but about an aesthetic and it's a conversation between their beliefs, their similarities, and their differences and we were so lucky to have the great australian director because lure man film a short film that opens the exhibition which shows the real prada talking to judy davis, the great australian actress playing scaparelli. >> stephen: we have a clip of that. >> that's very smart of you.
>> if we live together at the same time would we be friends or foes? >> i think friends. >> so maybe now we can agree that designers are artists? >> no, never! i think you have to do your job and who cares about the title. sal lewd. (applause). >> stephen: is there ever a time when you can not care about fashion? do you ever just say to yourself to hell with this, put on your zebra striped sweat pants and go to long john silvers and just lose yourself in a pile of batter-fried shrimp? (laughter) >> well, i haven't done it recently but maybe now you suggested i should try. >> stephen: perhaps you and i... >> together! >> stephen: could go bobbing for french fries. (laughter) >> why not?