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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 14, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PDT

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here it is, your moment of zen. >> will marginalize himself with the rest of the country. he is to the going to appease the gay community which is one of the four major funders of the democratic party a long with jews >> stephen: tonight, new invasions in crime fight og. is it time to give our tasers their own guns? then political chaos in wisconsin. it's time to rage against the milking machine. and my guest dr. francis cullins is in a new four-part hbi documentary on piecity. it was supposed to be one part but they supersized it. nearly 40% of new york's 911 calls are butt dialed. which begs the question, who is a facting-- attacking
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fork's butts. this is the cole bert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) that's quite lovely. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, you know, thank you. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you for that.
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you know what that prove os, you know what you just proved, that we do shower the people we love with love. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, please, have a seat, folks. folks this is my last show before mother's day and i want to give a shout out to america's moms. especially mine. so happy mother's day, mom. when it comes to gifts, you always say it's the thought that counts. so-- (laughter) there you go. i played that all by myself. now nation, i don't know about you but i am still reeling from president obama's announcement yesterday that he is gay. (laughter) now i assume, i have too assume, i have to assume that is the reason he supports gay marriage. but folks, i am an
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originalist. i believe that god order answered marriage to be between one man and that man's rib. now i know that sounds a little gay but the rib gets turn odd into a woman so everything's jake. same reason why it's okay to have sex with barbecue, okay. but try telling that to the close-minded wait staff at chili's. read the bible, guys. but i am equally troubled by how obama came to this decision. >> i've been going through an evolution on this issue. >> folks, (laughter) >> i have always said that evolution is just a slippery slope to gay. i mean just look at the charts. it goes monkey, chimp, biped, caveman, neanderthal, homosapien and finally homosexual. (laughter) >> stephen: this is a clear assault on the sanctity of
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marriage and i'm not the only one who knows it. so does pastor robert jeffritz of first baptist dallas. >> by embracing same-sex marriage president obama has really contradicted the jesus that he says he follows. >> stephen: yes, obama is contradicting the jesus. (laughter) and i right now would like to read to you what the jesus said about homosexuality. >> i would like to but he never said anything about it. evidently-- evidently jesus was so filled with rage he was speechless. but mi confident that he condemned it all the time in private when he was hanging out with those 12 other dudes at their elaborate dinner parties where they all sat on the same side of the table. just living the bachelor
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life together, drinking wine and working on their washboard abs. (laughter) now nation, there is a common household item that could kill you. i just wish i knew what it was. this is the threatdown. (cheers and applause) nation, anybody knows me knows i am no fan of violence. if i had my way i would take violence out behind my studio and o beat it with a rusty pipe until its face looked like a half eaten red velvet cake and there is no greater ally in the fight against violence than the nypd and their stop and frisk problem which allows new york police to search anybody they find suspicious. now since this is new york, i believe they look for people who are acting strange and then stop everyone else. (laughter) but giving police the power to stop and search anyone has yielded some troubling
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statistics. >> the data shows stop and frisks have risen steadily to almost 700,000 last year. blacks and latinos account for 87% and when it comes to young black men in particular, there were actually more stops than there are young black men than there are living in the city. >> stephen: they stopped more young black men then there are in new york city. that could mean only one of two things. either they're targeting young black men so often that the same ones get frisked over an over, or the much slip letter explanation, threat number three, interdimensional black people. clearly, yearly there is a risk in the race time con tinnium. they're coming over from other dimensions to be black at us. these minorities are troofling here via some kind of black hole. i'm sorry, ex-- excuse me, o
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i'm sorry, african-american hole. now folks i want to make it clear, i have nothing against black people from this dimension. those are the good ones. but black people from other worlds, who knows if they are friendly. in those other dimensions for all i know my evil twin is a hornl racist-- horrible racist. and those black interdimensional interlopers might be here for revenge. nypd i beg you to stop and frisk all of them. next up, here we are just one day after president obama comes out in favor of gay marriage and already the world has been flown into a gay tailspin. by the way o do not google gay tailspin. don't do it. (laughter) but do take a look at what happensed to welshman chris birch. >> i was doing a forward roll down a grass bank one day and got off, which
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caused a stroke to happen, i knew-- i came to realization that the stroke had -- >> that's right, he suddenly turned gay, in the middle of heterosexually dock sommer soughts down a hill. the stroke turned him from a straight rugby player to a gay hairdresser. he went from rising in piles of sweaty men to being gay. (laughter) well that brings me to threat number two, gay strokes. folks, this story confirms what i have always believed, that strokes are a choice. and now that i know a stroke could turn me gay, i am doing everything i can to avoid a engayifiying embolism. i'm trying to lower my blood pressure, eating the gym,
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getting pretty cut and shedding pounds by to the cooking with butter. instead i use it to grease up my body when i work out that way none of those stroke gays or stromoses as we call them at the gym can get a hand hold on me. and a motivate me towards straightness even further, i have hung up pictures of the ideal straight male form, matthew mcconneghey. i want to be clear. i'm not attracted to this bronze god, although stroke to my head, sure. finally, a chilling story from a chinese zoo. a baby langor monkey ate a peanut thrown by a zoo visitor. and since the monkey didn't have grinding teeth yet to break the peanut down it got lodged in his intestine that is a life-threatening situation. so obviously there was only one thing to do, a zoo keep her to lick the monkey's butt for an hour until it
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pooped the peanut out. (laughter) which brings me to threat number one, man i latif sicko monkeys. you see, folks. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: according to the report, the zookeeper had no option but to resort to this treatment because the monkey was too small for medicine. and apparently too small for a sponge, a moist towel, a q-tip, i damp finger, a wet leaf, anything it had to be man tongue. nation, a zoo is nothing but monkey prison. which means this monkey has made this zookeeper his bitch. and sure, sure-- (laughter) >> sure, the little monkey, the little monkey is fine now but tomorrow you know it will be oops, i swallowed another peanut. i'm so clumsy.
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whatever shall we do. (laughter) at least now we know what coco the gorilla was signing all those years. we'll be right back. you know, we're a little early for this thing...
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want to hop in the back and get weird? no. family vacation... vegas. ♪ no. no. give it a big yank! really? yeah! [ knock on window ] no! no. ♪ ugh, no! [ sighs ] we can have hotdogs for dinner?! yes. [ male announcer ] in a world filled with "no," it's nice to finally say "yes." new oscar mayer selects hotdogs. made with 100% beef and no artificial preservatives. it's yes food.
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>> stephen: hey, thank you very much. welcome back thank you so much, folks, last year wisconsin governor scott walker lead a brave battle against public service unions which spark product tests, legislative paralysis and most shockingly of all, people care approximating about wisconsin. now governor walker and four republican state senators are facing a recall election. the primary for which will last tuesday make eight. now it would have been great for the republicans if the democrats had primary challengers for each seat it would have cost the dems money and wasted campaign time. but unfortunately, the democrats were unified and each man was running unopposed. i mean what could the republican does. >> the government accountability board voted u than newsly to allow a half dozen republicans to run as
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democrats forcing primaries. >> stephen: republicans running as democrats to force primaries is perfectly legitimate. it's just like when you call a time out in football by dressing up as the other team's coach. but for some reason, that simple civics lesson was lost on the ream democrat, jim. >> democrats protested what they called fake democrats outside the county courthouse tuesday morning bringing in fake candidates is wrong. i mean it's fraud. >> oh, really, anyone who is fake is automatically a fraud. that is bigotry. i can only imagine what the reverend marvin bluther king would say about that. >> and folks, this kind of prejudice cuts me deep because i've experienced it myself. >> steve colbert is a fake pundit on tv. >> tk fake newsman stephen colbert. >> he is a genuine fake
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newsman. >> colbert, a fake news guy. >> stephen: i may be a fake news guy, but i am not the only one wolf blitzer. or should i say coyote blitzman? but i admit it, stephen colbert does not exist. i grew up steve colbert and i changed my name for the same reason most people do, because i ratted out the gambino crime family. >> nobody tell them where i am. well, folk os, i'm sorry to say this story of make believe courage does not have a happy ending because all the so-called fake candidates were defeated on tuesday. so my condolences to fake democrat jim buckley, tamara verbrook, isaac weeks and perhaps the fakest sounding democrat, otto junkerman. who it turns out is a real person despite his ridiculous name.
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stay strong, o junk. these made up candidates may have lost, folks, but i believe we will see a day when a fake candidate can be elected to public office, in the immortal words of the reverend marvin bluther king, i don't have a dream, i am a dream. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is in a new hbo documentary on piecity. i thought that was real sex. please welcome dr. francis collins. (cheers and applause)
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thank you. thank you so much for coming on. you got some groupies here tonight. that's nice. >> it's a relief to me, yes. >> stephen: now sir, thank you so much for coming back. you are the director of the national institutes of health. are you also, you lead the human-genome project. >> all tree. >> jon: . >> stephen: and now are you part of a four part hbo documentsary on piecity called the weight of the nation which starts airing on may 14th, okay. >> all true. >> stephen: so we're fat, okay. like most americans, i'll bite. why are we fat and what does it matter. >> well, yes, as would you say, nation, we have a weight problem. what are we going to do about the fact that two-thirds of adults and one-third of children are obese or overweight. >> stephen: buy bigger pants. (laughter) >> that's happening by the way. >> stephen: yes. but you know let's talk
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about the kids. the kids who are obese now o, and have about a 75% chance of being obese adults numbers we do something about it this generation of kids may be the first one in 100 years that doesn't live as long as their parents and grandparents. >> stephen: well, that's a tragic situation. but could it not also have the silver lining of fixing our social security problem? (laughter) okay, you got to balance out-- you got to balance out the national interest here, okay. what is your prescription here? because are you the national-- that is government, big government, are you going to try to keep me from eating sweets. you are going to go out there and shot block a doughnut out of my mouth, right? >> not exactly. i will tell you about myself. three years ago i was 30 pounds heavier than mi right now. >> stephen: you were superfat, i didn't want to say it. you were d you were superfat,
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yeah, yeah. >> and you know, i started to realize i was at risk for diabetes and i did not want to get that disease so with a change in diet w some exercise, can i show you what i lost. >> stephen: sure. >> i brought a little prop along. >> stephen: what is that. >> this is called fat. isn't that lovely. >> stephen: how much is that. >> this is just five pounds fat. i lost six of those. >> stephen: you lost 30 pounds. >> yes. >> stephen: that looks delicious. i would take like about two inches of that, put that in a pan and melt it down and, like soften up a duck breast in that. incredible. that's incredible souchlt lost six of these, you lose five pounds this is where you are losing it. >> yeah. >> stephen: this is what it looks-- god that is motivating. i don't want that in my body. >> okay. >> stephen: are we fatter than other countries. >> we are, actually, yes,
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but others are catching up with us. >> stephen: how do we stay ahead because i want us to win. i want-- i even want to us win the disasters, sir. >> you know, to win we have to lose, that's the problem here. so why are we under all this pressure from our biology. you know what, because we are creatures with genes that were designed to try to help us survive through much of our history where calories were pretty hard to come by. and if you couldn't find them and absorb them and hang on to them, you were done. and the next familiareven is going to puts under. so we have been turn mood this wonderful machine force finding calories and use them to put weight on. >> stephen: fat is just a way for us to store energy that we needed another time. >> exactly. >> stephen: so our fannies are themselves kind of like a fannie pack. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. >> some of them kind of big at this point. >> stephen: yeah, og like a couple pieces of samsonite luggage back there. >> rightz.
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so maybe when you were wandering around in the savannah it was a good thingment but now when are you wandering around between a lot of fast food stores and to the doing much wandering because are you sitting in front of the tv on the couch. >> stephen: watching a four part hbo series-- (applause) >> you know, i hope a lot of people will go to the gym and watch it on their treadmills. and i bet if they are eating chips they going to put the bag down about 20 minutes into this is aing i don't want to eat this. >> stephen: not allots of dorito sponsorships. so now we don't have the evolutionary pressure but we still have the evolutionary ability to store all this fat. >> we do. we're amazing. >> stephen: won evolution then just whip those people out of the gene pool because if you get sick from storing fat, won't we volume of into human beings that don't for as much fat. >> you know, the problem is this isn't about some of us. it's about all of us. we're all six months away from a potbelly.
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if you were to give up your very careful regimen. >> stephen: hey, hey, well, you're old. never been so insulted in my entire life. (laughter) >> stephen: so if there was one thing you would tell people to change about the way americans eat, what would it be? >> you know, that's part. of the problem is one thing is what we have been trying to do. we sort of shake our finger at people and say you should stop eating, exercise, it hasn't worked. >> stephen: that finger shaking is only exercise a lot of us get. >> we really need to think about this holistickically it has to be the individual, the family, the community. and it's going to have to be the food industry too taking seriously that this is part of the issue. that we americans have way too much sugar in our diet and it's killing us. >> stephen: dr. , please come again maybe when america has lost some weight but would you do one thing for me, please don't leave this here.
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dr. collins, thank you so much. dr. francis collins, the weight of the nation, airs monday on hbo.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: well, folks, thank you. well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for the report. we are off for the next two weeks. have a great may. we'll see new the summertime


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