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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 16, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

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ywant to hop in the back earland get weird?ng... no. family vacation... vegas. ♪ no. no. give it a big yank! really? yeah! [ knock on window ] no! no. ♪
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ugh, no! [ sighs ] we can have hotdogs for dinner?! yes. [ male announcer ] in a world filled with "no," it's nice to finally say "yes." new oscar mayer selects hotdogs. made with 100% beef and no artificial preservatives. it's yes food. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> billion l- and grace probably did more to educate the american public than almost anything anybody has ever done so far. >> seriously? captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight a new controversy for ot bama administration. get ready for the timothy geithner sex tape. then a new threat to american jobs, you want to
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take a break from your unpaid internship to watch. then my guest andy cohen is the host of bravo's watch what happens live. i'll ask him which american city has the newest crop of bitchy housewives. according to a new study, dinosaur farts may have caused prehistoric global warming. you know what they say, he who stinked it, is extinct. (laughter) this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
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>> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. goo to have you with us ladies and gentlemen. i'm not just a newsman, i'm also a parent. so i know how important it is for moms and dads out there to be frightened at all times. (laughter) i see it as pie duty to inform you about dangerous new teenage trends. that's why two years ago i warned you about the widespread practice of vodka eyeballing. then a year later i alerted to you the nationwide crisis of vodka tamponing. well, now kids all across one part of los angeles have discovered another bizarre buzz. >> now a warn og to parents. there is a disturbing new trend among teens. they're using hand sanitize tore get drunk. >> this is supposed to clean up our lives. but it's becoming a dirty
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and dangerous little health hold secret. and it is sending teens to the hospital. kids getting hammered offhand sanitizer. >> stephen: our kids are getting sani-tipsy. folks this tv coverage based on one story in the l.a. times means there is an epidemic of kids turning drunk, disorderly and disinfected. parents, it is a national crisis, according to the times, six local teenagers have gone to emergency rooms in the last few months. but don't take my word for t you can hear it straight from the teens squeaky clean mouths. >> crazy, you know. like i've never, ever heard someone, you know, that hasn't done that. >> stephen: now-- he says it's not happening but don't forget teens always say the opposite of what they mean. like when they say bad to mean good, or they say get away from me old man, to mean hey, it's stephen colbert, that guy is cool.
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(laughter) so i want to send a very strong message to these l.a. teens. what the hell are you doing? you live in california, for christ's sake. have you never heard of medical marijuana? just go to the doctor-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: go to the doctor and tell them are you suffering from anxiety caused by all the news stories about kids drinking hand sanitizer. oh that sounds serious, here's 5 ccs of primo spank. now parents, you have to do your part too. take this advice from good morning america. >> parents be cautious when not using the gel make sure you place out of reach. >> stephen: yes, place it out of reach, somewhere up high where a teenager can't reach it. just use one of those adult-only stepladders. (laughter) now-- (laughter)
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once your-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: once your purel is locked securely in the purel vault, will you need something off to clean off your hands. my recommendation, vodka. (applause) an absolute vitron will disinfect your hands and make them lemony fresh. nothing makes my blood boil like our comrade in chief president obama. only thing that helps make his socialist policy go down is his side kick vice president joe biden. without can always be relied upon for some comic relief. >> his momma lived in long island for ten years or so. god rest her soul. and although -- >> wait, your mom-- your mom is still alive. you can to the go to a 7/11 or a dunkin' doughnut unless you have a slight indian ago accident. >> it happens to be as
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barack says, a 3 letter word, jobs. jobs, jobs. (laughter) >> stephen: now over the weekend, evidently, the vice president did it again. >> you're comfortable with same sex marriage now. >> i'm absolutely comfortable with the fact that men marrying men, women marrying women and heterosexual, men marrying women, are entitled to the same exact right, all the civil right, all the civil liberties. and quite frankly i don't see much of a distinction beyond that. >> stephen: you don't see a distinction between a guy with a guy and a guy with a girl? you know, your wife is a doctor, she could draw you a diagram. but this hilarious gaffe wasn't joe biden's fault. you see, he was influenced by powerful cultural forces. >> i think will & grace probably did more to educate the american public than almost anything anybody has ever done.
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>> stephen: he's right, folks. he's right. these kind of tv shows can change our minds. until i saw frasier i refused to accept the existence of seattle. (laughter) these gay sitcom characters or humorsexuals are a menace to society. they seduce nice thinking that gays are just like us, normal people with real relationships based on love and mutual respect. it is disgusting. worst of all, the guy who played will, eric mccormack, he's not even gay. they're indoctrine ating us with a gay character piggyback on a straight man which is every gay man's fantasy. (laughter) okay? here's its deal. real men know-- real men know that men don't love each other. they are bros who engage in horseplay. so to rebalance the natural moral order of television, i have written a new straight
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sitcom about two straight guys named will & graceon who are always on the prowl for the ladies. one of them has a cat and the other one has a dog, which is why the show is called pussyhounds. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: okay, now, now to help me workshop the pilot script, please welcome eric mccormack. (cheers and applause) good to see you, man. >> hey. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: threw go, buddy. now, eric, thank you so much for helping me with my new sitcom. >> yeah, yeah, nobody said anything about a sitcom, stephen. you know, i thought i was here bus i'm on broadway ngor individualal's the great man. >> stephen: oh, great play,
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everybody should see that. tony nod, gore i have dahl, man's man, now eric, the vice president says your work on will & grace helped normalize gay relationship in our society. now as a straight guy yourself, you must be pissed off. why don't you look in that camera and give the vice president a piece of your mind. >> well, actually, stephen, if that's true i'm proud that we helped to create a more tolerant atmosphere for gays and lesbians. >> stephen: but eric, it' it's-- there is only so much tolerance to go around. if we're tolerant to gais and lesbians that means there is less tolerance left over for straight people. that's just supply and demand. >> have you been drinking purel? (applause) >> stephen: no, no, listen. sir, there is only way for you to prove that you do not hate straight couples. >> my 14 year marriage.
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>> stephen: no, pussyhounds, okay, page 1, scene walk, done it. >> if he i do this can i have my car keys back? >> stephen: yes. okay, you are grasson. >> i don't even get to be will? >> stephen: and fade in ♪ ♪ pussyhound ♪ all right, hey, you ready to hit the clubs, graceon. the ladies are going to be calling me exxon mobile because i'm going to drill baby drill. >> yes, are you extremely successful at sex. >> stephen: up top, my man. >> will? will, tonight i'm asking martha to marry me. >> stephen: why would you get married, graceon this
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sitcom that we are in proves that it is completely acceptable for two straight guys to live together. >> yes, this is truly ground breaking television. >> stephen: we're buddies, you know, who is sex with girls and then describe it to each other in graphic detail. >> yes, nothing gay about that. >> stephen: that's not -- >> i'm marrying martha. >> stephen: why what can she give you that i cannot give you. i care for you. i share your hopes and dreams. if you were sick in the hospital, oy would come visit you. you know, we work out together. we shower together. >> i don't see that. you're off script, i don't see that. >> stephen: [bleep] script, let's improv let's do this thing. feel this. okay? don't do this, graceon. she's poison. what about us. what about that cottage we were going to buy up in the
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berkshires, we could open and bed & breakfast. we've got to get out of the city. this is killing us. >> i thought i was marrying martha. i don't-- . >> stephen: please! what about me. >> okay, look, i don't-- i don't want to do this any more, just please can i have my keys? (laughter) >> stephen: graceon! (laughter) look at me. (laughter) will you look at me?
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i thought we would grow old together. (laughter) (applause) ♪ ♪ pussyhounds (cheers and applause) we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. nation, be afraid, be a teeny tinny bit afraid. this is the minithreatdown. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, a chilling story from wnep scranton's weather news leader. i always get my weather from wnep because they've got a backyard weather center. i mean why would i trust someone who's inside to tell me what it's like outside. he's got no skin in the game. but look what happened as anchor trish hartman and scott shaffer were throwing to meteorologist curt aaron in the backyard weather center. jim. >> curt aaron is out in the backyard to give us our forecast. told curt is not in the backyard because there are bearings outsideness he coming inside. >> this is live video from
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the backyard right now. >> no way. so this is why curt aaron is not out there right now. >> i don't blame him. >> there are four bears. let's take another look there. that was a big bear. >> stephen: that's right. that forecast was partly grizzly with a chance of precipitation and curt aaron's pants. which brings to us the number one threat in america, newscasting bears. folks, these godless killing machines are coming for our broadcasting jobs. it's bad enough that cnn has a wolf and fox news has a badger. these threat bears will make perfect pundits because they don't think with their guts and are prone to sudden fits of rage. and sure bears get their heads stuck in the occasional honey jar but so does steve doocy. these bears won't stop until they get their jaws on a newsman. so to keep safe i will be doing my show suspended from a tree. and to my fellow newscasters
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out there, i say watch your back fellows, and for god's sakes, stay away from the cub reporters. we'll be right back.
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we're going right here. right near union square park. i'm an architect because i love cities and i love buildings. this used to be a cheese factory right? whole new steel structure on this floor. coffee or no coffee? pour the footing and you give yourself two inches. technology. it really does influence how you interact with life. hey, did you get that powerpoint? that's a nice looking building! i think this is science fiction. look at that! the revolutionary galaxy note, from samsung.
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the new taurus is going to blow people away... starting with the guys who built it. i haven't driven it yet. i'm going to try take it easy and warm up slowly. hi. do you get car sick or anything? no, is that a challenge? no, no. so with the 2013 taurus i can pretty much voice command anything. pretty much. you're going to be able to change your radio station, make a phone call. all that you can do with just the sound of your voice. all of it? all of it. never have to take your hands off the wheel. never have to take your hands off the wheel... which is good when you're driving. ha ha ha.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight is the host of bravo's watch what happens live. he's about to find out what happens pretape. please welcome andy cohen. (cheers and applause)
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hey, andy, good to see you. how are you, thanks for coming back, always good to have you. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: pleasure, that's a great tie, man. >> thank you. >> stephen: that thing pops on camera. >> i felt like it was political for you. >> stephen: absolutely, absolutely. now, sir, everybody knows you have watch what happens live. >> yeah. >> stephen: you are also bravo's executive vice president of development, correct. >> yes that is true. >> stephen: did having that job help you convince yourself to give you a show on the network? >> this is your first question to me. >> stephen: i want to know how to break into show business. i'm in news, you see. and you're in entertainment. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: you used to be in new, right. >> yes, i did. i started at cbs news. i was there for ten years. >> stephen: you worked with rather. >> i did work with rather, yes. actually something amazing happened with rather. and i was doing a story with him for 48 hours and we were taking a jet back to new york. and the jet sank in the
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tarmac. >> stephen: so what happened, did you drive back. >> we had lost our keys in our rental car, actually, because that's what we were told to do. so-- so like any good anchorman dan had a wire hanger with him with a shirt. and sow jimmied it open. >> stephen: i know he was a criminal. you have a new book called most talkative stories from the front lines of pop culture. >> yes. featuring the story that i just told you part of with dan rather. >> stephen: really? so what page shouldn't they read now. >> i don't know. probably like mid -- 50 i would say. >> stephen: in the middle. now the name, the name most talkative, that actually is a story behind that. >> i was voted most talkative and biggest gossip, actually n high school, if you can believe it. >> stephen: were you voted least likely to close your mouth in a photo because on the front and the back -- >> i love-- yes, i enjoy an
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open mouth to the open. it's fun, it's exciting, flirtee, energetic. >> stephen: okay, all right. now -- >> try it, even. there you go. look at you. >> stephen: is that flirty. >> you are a guy i want to talk to. >> stephen: hey, you know what, i need somebody to help me with my sitcom. yes, sitcom, evidently eric is out of the project now. >> i liked the mutsic you had going. ♪ ♪ is it a compliment when people call you most talkative. >> look, my mouth has got enemy in a tremendous amount of trouble over my 23 years in television. it has also helped me-- . >> stephen: i heard you got in trouble in the oscar, some nice kids got up on stage from public school and sang at the oscars and you said. >> i said-- i was making the guys at morning joe laugh. >> stephen: they're horrible people. >> anyway, so right o so i
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made fun of these public schoolkids from pf-22 who were singing at the end of the os cars and i got in all sorts of-- . >> stephen: you made fun of them for their singing. >> i said something stupidz. i would have made fun of them for going a public school. >> right. >> stephen: it should be private schools at the oscar. it is a leap event. >> right. >> stephen: now how do you pick shows at bravo. >> at bravo. >> stephen: dow drive down the street and see two people fighting and you go, you are going to be a star. >> yes, that's pretty much it. that's pretty much it. >> stephen: is there something in your life as a child. >> yes. >> stephen: this is you now. >> that is me now. >> stephen: is there a photo. >> there are many embarrassing photos of me as a child. >> stephen: are you younger. >> i think my time at cbs news is -- --. >> stephen: look, even look at this o 20 years ago. >> is my mouth open. >> stephen: your mouth is still-- your mouth, can we get closer. your mouth is still open there. >> and that is what they call the computer at that
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time. >> stephen: were you really talkative. >> i was. >> stephen: do you keep talking. >> there a story of a car trip i was on when i was a kid and talked into a hairbrush for about two days doing play-by-play until we were at a rudy tuesdays, on the side of a road in georgia somewhere and my aunt dumped a pitcher of ice tea on me to get me to shut up. and i did shut up. >> stephen: why-- why-- why would you not stop talking. >> talking, i enjoy talking. >> stephen: are you afraid. >> of the silence? >> stephen: of uncomfortable silence (laughter) what are awe afraid what were afraid the conversation would turn to if it got quiet. >> i'm afraid of the intimacy between you and i when we are quiet with each other. so i like to keep talking.
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(laughter) (applause) >> i'm excited for to you see my book! >> stephen: andy cohen, thank you so much. >> this is horrible. >> stephen: andy cohen, the book is most talkative and he means it. we'll be right back. (cheers and applausus