tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central May 31, 2012 7:25pm-7:55pm PDT
yep uhuh let's find you a room. at hotels.com, you'll always find the perfect hotel. because we only do hotels. wow. i like that. nice! no. laugh...awe hmm nice huh ooh, yeah book it! oh boy call me... this summer, we're finding you the perfect place - plus giving you up to $100 at hotels.com ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's if for the report. good night! ( cheers and applause ) >> may 30, 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this
is the "daily show" wall street with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show." my name is jon stewart. what a show tonight, dan rather, the legendary newsman dan rather is here. let's begin tonight with the big news in politics. >> this is a fox news alert. governor romney winning the texas primary and securing enough delegate delegates to bee g.o.p. nominee. >> jon: it is official after 28 years, $2 trillion, and three unsolved murders later, wilbeerdink cummerbund romney will be the republican presidential mom network or rom-in-ey. you want to use that? you want to use rom-in-ey?
lawyer up. you want to use, that lawyer up. my lawyer from the firm ( bleep ) you and pay me. i guess that's it. the coney island mermaid's parade that was the republican primaries is done. we're left with five months of obama v. romney. yup. ( laughter ) five months of johnny pregnant pause... >> for years what we've heard is the piggest problem on the bench was judicial activism or a lack of judicial restraint. that, uh, unelected... group of people would somehow overturn-- uh, uh, a dual constituted and passed-- uh... ( laughter ) >> jon: what is going on in-- i feel like in the long pause he's giving a speech to a
different country that he likes better than us. anyway, it's johnny pregnant pause versus captain chuck-o-buns. >> so when you raise the individual tax rates-- i'm losing sound here aren't? i'm telling you, these batters were made by washington, d.c. bureaucrats, i can tell. >> ha... ha... it's funny because it's not true. batters are made by private companies. that guy kills me. seriously, i hope he ( bleep ) kills me now. this election is going to suck. it's a good thing i get two weeks off every other week. ( laughter ) i might as well resign myself to the long slog to november with no ray of light o'er hope. >> oooooh! ♪ ♪ >> jon: what-- comedy gods? is that you?
do you have something for me? ( cheers and applause ) it appears to be some sort of well-timed gag gift. ( laughter ) supported by 60-pound test wire. could it be? no! in my despair over not having good election material, have the comedy gods delivered unto me a trump-o-gram. ( applause ) let's see whose inside. hold on. let's see what's inside. >> donald trump doubling down today on his birthy claims about president obama. >> oh! thank you gilda radner, gorge carl and i know richard pryor, yes, the comedy gods deliver. he holds a fund raise wer reality show host and antique
doll hair thief donald trump, giving trump an excuse to do phone interviews on not one, not two, but three separate cable news networks. >> i don't consider myself birther or not birther. but there's a major question here, and the press doesn't want to cover it. the press just refuses to cover it. >> jon: that is a shot of pure imported rare, single malt black tar trump resin. not because trump's complaining that the press refuses to ask questions about this long-dead birther issue but because of how trump responds later that same day to the process' questions about this long-dead birther issue. >> reporter: tell us what your people who were investigating in hawaii what, they found? >> we don't have to go into old news. now, it's appropriate, i think, that we get to the subject of hand which is jobs, which is the economy, which is how our country is not doing well at all under this leadership, which is really the things i wanted to
talk to you about, but you like to keep going back to the place of birth. >> jon: i love you so much. ( laughter ) nobody's man enough to talk about the birther issue. ( bleep ) you for bringing it up. watch this little bit of bitterer trump. >> the state of hawaii says it is official, he was born in hawaii othis date, here it is, why do you deny that? >> a lot of people do not think it was an authentic certificate. >> i don't know when you say "many people." -- >> many people. >> like who, give me the nameave person in authority that-- give me a name. >> there are many people-- i don't give names. there are many people that do not believe that birth certificate is authentic. >> jon: listen, i don't give names. i can't. you look at my possessions. the only name i know is trump. i use it like the smurfs use
smurfs, so don't trump me blitzer, or i'll trumpy so hard up your trump your head of trump. in the middle of the whole birthy trump, trump still has time to sell, baby, sell. >> you're not on a mattress on top of trump, are you. >> it's sitting on a trump mattress by certa. it's a great mattress. you should buy one. >> a trump mattress. >> by certa. >> jon: just because year sleeping on it doesn't make it a trump mattress. i don't sleep in stewart sheets. it doesn't work that way. "hey, you know what i had for breakfast? trump muffins by thomases? i like how the butter goes into the nooks and trumps." ( laughter ) and we have to cover romney and obama knowing this beautiful man is out there?
( laughter ) this rare bird that orange bizarrely tufted flapping around in the forest? we have to cover these two numb nuts? it's like you're at a music festival and the poo fighterrers are on the stage but you can't go because you promised your friend you'd go to a country band. i'm not insulting hipsters. obviously, they don't watch. ( laughter ) seriously, a band shouldn't have someone on the... these are tough times. we need a man with unerring confidence. and no one is more confident that a guy whose every television episode ends with him having his ass kissed in stereo. >> i think you made the right
decision. >> i agree. >> catherine? >> yes, sir, i agree 100%. >> i agree. >> absolutely. >> i agree 100%. >> that was a very tough decision. >> it really was. >> i do not envy you. >> i think you made the right choice. >> i think you made the right decision, in this case i don't think you had a choice. >> it was the right call. >> do you feel okay. na? >> absolutely. >> you were right on about the fire. >> absolutely. >> what did you think? >> after that comment, i think you made the right decision. >> jon:onald trump's ego is like a goose liver that's been force fed praisethrough its ear tubes so that when you consume it you don't taste atsouant of self-doubt, and that is why i must do this. donald, you have to get back into the race for president. i'm not just saying this because it would help me. oh, my god.
>> jon: welcome back. it's prom time again, it's prom time, a time to create wonderful memories, at least for those who have dates. for those who don't, you can always go into comedy. ( laughter ) then there's the people who had dates, only to lose them. jessica williams has more. >> prom, a magical evening every student looks forward to and minnesota's mike stone and his date megan piper were no exception. >> i invited tall girls to prom and they all said no, and then i
asked the may go expan she said yes and i was very excited. >> but then, mike's school discovered the truth about megan. >> the school found out about it, and they said that they're not going to allow it to happen. >> is it because she got bad grades? >> i'm an adult film actress. >> wait, what? i perform pornography. >> what? and concerned minnesotaing mother, like marjorie holtsten applaud the school's action. >> i agree with the school's decision that she should not be allowed at prom. her profession is pornography. every young man there is going to be mentally undressing her, and they been maib that's the type of attention she likes. i don't know. >> thank god what megan is doing is considered a felony. >> i don't think it's a felony. >> maybe it's a misdemeanor? >> sadly, i believe that what megan does is legal. >> so megan piper is an adult
who is having consensual sex with another adult in a whole other state in full accordance of the law, and he wants to take her to prom? >> yeah, i mean, megan piper said, no i'm not going to take off my clothes and go butt naked. it's like that's what you do in your profession. >> why do you think i'm going to do that? >> because are you an adult film star. it's what you do. >> that's what you're saying is all i do is have sex with people. i don't do anything else. >> you're probably having sex right now. >> no. uhm. >> i was just going to go there and be his prom date and do all the normal prom stuff. >> okay but what does "normal prom stuff "mean to a porn star? probably he would have a flower for her. where would he put that flower? >> there would be nothing to pin it to, so he better get a wrist one. >> then what happens? >> suddenly they're in this limo without adult supervision. >> they're alone? >> yeah.
i hope that she wouldn't seduce him, but then again, that's what she does for a living. >> and we all know if you do something for a living, that's all you ever do. like how profootball players tackle everyone they see and, there were, would never be allowed at prom. jies jois grendal, an independent hool student, tweeted hayden and asked the football star to be her prom date tonight. hayden said yes. >> okay, well, megan is different. she's uncroablable. >> i don't plan on doing anything sexual with mike or any of his friend. >> mike, does that bum you out a little bit? >> no. >> my expectation is it would probably be kind of a boring evening. >> so why do we care again? >> it's the concept that she is a lady who as a profession takes off her clothes and does things. >> while we can forgive certain >> while we can forgive certain things in our society, like manslaughter convictions and
political corruption, there is one profession that is completely unacceptable.. thankfully, concerned parents like marjorie will protect ourbe children forever. >> teenagers have hormones going, and it's not appropriate that they see these web sites. >> that's why teenagers shouldn't be watching people have k sex on the internet. they should learn it the way di-- by watching animals do it on the street. ( laughter ). >> actually, that was how ive taught my children. we started with a boy guinea pig. >> what? you taught your kids sex ed with guinea pig? >> well we had a boy and a girl guinea pig that clearly likeddo each other. >> aren't. you afraid these kids are going to treat these guinea pigs like role model? >> well, you really couldn't see anything because they're big, furry little fuzz ball things. that's why there aren't guinea pig porn movies. >> for now. let's hope the porn industry doesn't catch on.
hey son! come on over here! coach t, it's an honor. well, have you thought about the future? maybe corolla or camry. well, my mom says i need to keep my mpg up. [ laughing ] course she does... we got number 34. highway. and we got 43 over there. city. go on, check it out! i'll tell you what, checkers, you've impressed me before in the past, and you're impressing me even more now. coach is impressed.
you did a good job and i like your shoes. >> jon: my guest, you can see him every week on "dan rather reports." his new book is called "rather outspoken." please welcome back to the program, dan rather. ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> jon: how are you? nice to see you. >> nice to see you. i didn't realize you had become the donald trump reelectiongh headquarters. >> jon: can i tell you something? what a joy.is what a gift that would be. imagine what he would do just decorating-wise to the white house. just trump white house and casino. just think about it. ( laughter ). the book is called "ratheral outspoken." this is-- you know, it covers your whole-- i did not realize-- you know, there's beautifulie pictures in here of you. you sort of grew up in the old
west. i had-- i did not realize that that was your background. >> well i, grie up on the texas coast. when i grew up there, it wasd pretty much the old west. that's true. >> jon: great pictures of you and your mom standing in front of this old 1930s automobile on the planes and pictures of you in second grade and third grate. do you recall that life, like "little house on the prairie" or was it, like, when you were a kid, was it a drag? like what-- i had a terrific childhood. i know that can be boring. you had rheumatic fever between 10 and 11 for about three years and i was bedridden.r that i remember most vividly. because i was bedridden. i had to stay still in bed. it was an incurable disease at the time. but before that, and after that i had a wonderful childhood. both my parents worked, very hard working people, and they insisted -- and we were willing,
insisted -- and we were willing, my brothers and sister sisters - worked early. >> jon: how did you bounce back from rheumatic fever and six years later be in the. marines. that was a quick recovery? >> i did recover had i got to be about 14. my father was smart enough to send me to work on pipelines and oil rigs. i got my body back. i got my body back. and i was eliminated from the service. i'm not proud about it. i lied about it and joined the marines. i have one of the shortest and careers in the history of the marine corps. >> jon: i got my buddy through brush cuttin cutting and drilling. >> your nose is growing. >> jon: yes, i know. it is growing. you've worked as a tv newsman for a long time, so this may seem like a strange question-- has television been a boon to people's knowledge and information about politics or has it not? we were talking about early
about how television changed the game. >> absolutely. >> jon: at a certain point tseemed like television outsmarted the politicians. has that reversed now? >> i think it has. i think the politicians have outsmarted television. overall, i think television has added to everybody's knowledge about almost everything, but like the internet, which is now dominant in news or soon to be, it has its pluses and minuses. but each successive presidency, for example, has gotten smarter and smarter about how to manipulate the media, manipulate the press and use television tots advantage. there is also the trivialization of the news. you want to call the politicalizationes of news with some networks being partisan political propaganda. >> jon: really? i don't publicly follow the 24-hour news networks but i understand they're all above aboard, and i wouldn't-- does it, for you-- this idea of liberal bias and the idea-- you
be, in your experience, haven't most journalists, haven't their politics been somewhat more liberal? >> no, it hasn't been my cheerns. >> jon: it hasn't been your experience. >> it hasn't been my experience. most journalists i grew up. most journalists i worke workedh and practiced with were trying to be honest brokers of information. what sometimes got you a reputation of liberal, journalists form an apprenticeship covering the police beat. the journalists, the best of then, see a keynesian side of society that most people don't see. so when they try to call attention to that, people who don't like it, say, "oh, you're liberals." it has not been my experience. i know it's widely believed that cbs, nbc, abcs, chock full of liberals. not true. what it's chock full of is people who wanted to give honest news, straightforward news, and voted both ways in many
elections. i'm not saying that nobody in the newsroom was liberal any more than i would say nobody was conservative. people described as conservatives want to say, "i work at cbs news, and almost every there was liberal." what they really mean is not everybody there agreed with him all the time. this is a sham. it's a camouflage -- >> it seems to have been very effective, that working the reps. that's what i would say. it's really worked. people are now very afraid to appear in any way as though they're taking a position on anything. >> well, that's true. and that's why i say journalism, american journalism there some ways that haz lost its guts, needs a spine translate. i made my mistakes along this line. there is a price pay-- if you stand up and ask a really tough question now and challenge, say a president or vice president, you know there's going to be a price to be paid for that. so often, you know what, i'll get in the middle, i have pows paymentes -- >> jon: back in the day,
jack anderson, nixon tried to poison him or had a plan to poison him. >> a more recent book indicates the president had plans to kill him at one time it got that bad, not made up, these are facts about which people want to have amnesia. covering the civil rights campaign, covering watergate, covering the vietnam war, frequently what happens, those in power, whether they be republican or democrat, conservative or liberal, want to say everything is beautiful. >> jon: right. >> things down south are not that bad they would say in 1961 and '62. we learned now that thung were ever bit as bad as they were conveyed on television. now it's the accepted wisdom. this happens time after time because we have amnesia about things that are unpleasant. >> jon: it's as though power corrupts. >> there's eye bulletin. >> jon: here's why you have to get this book for no reason it has the best dan rather-ism in it. you describe something as a nit on a nat's nut.