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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 13, 2012 1:35am-2:05am PDT

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>> i don't know much about the sterling record-- has captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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>> stephen: tonight, romney and the common man. is he the kind of guy you want to sit down and have a vintage pol roget with? (laughter)
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and how should countries use social media? the same way everyone does-- when they're drunk. (laughter) then my guest, will allen, wants to promote farming in inner cities. i'll ask him what varieties of summer squash thrive in bum urine. (laughter) the l.a. kings won the stanley cup! or stanley king won the l.a. cup (laughter) i don't follow hockey. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much! the
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(audience chanting "stephen") come on! come on! (cheers and applause) yeah! folks, i think... i think... (cheers and applause) i do not care, i do not care! (cheers and applause) listen, the doom crier cans say what they want, i think you people just proved that there is no energy crisis. (laughter) we ought to frack you. and i mean in the best possible way. (laughter) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. nation, we all see the news. last week's jobs report was miserable. the economy is not getting any better. our relationship with nuclear pakistan has never been more tense and europe is on the verge of collapse. and you know what that means in? things are looking up for mitt romney. (laughter)
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and, folks, the old romney luck continues! >> the romneys might be going to the olympics. a horse anne romney co-owns came in third in an olympic qualifying event. >> stephen: the romneys' horse might go to the olympics! (laughter) though one would imagine it's going to be a long drive to london on top of their station wagon. (laughter and applause) their horse, rafalca, is competing at the united states equestrian federation national dressage championships in gladstone, new jersey. as if you don't know from your equestrian fantasy league. (laughter) folks, this is exactly what mitt needs! he's had a little trouble relating to joe six-pack. listen to him talking about basketball. >> i met a guy yesterday, seven feet tall. i figured he had to be in sports but he wasn't in sports. (laughter) >> stephen: yes.
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(laughter) the tall man was not in sports! (laughter) neither bounce-ball nor oblong leather zeppelin toss. (laughter) but, folks, the image of romney as a privileged princeling ends today because now mitt is just your average blue-collar fan of dressage. (laughter) of course, that word may sound haifa hue tin, but don't worry, it also goes by the street name "horse ballet." (laughter) jim, show us rafalca at sport. >> stephen: whoo! whoo! (cheers and applause)
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rafalca number one! rafalca number one! go rafalca! (cheers and applause) perfect hair. (laughter) and, folks, lest you think the horse is doing all the work, mitt picks the music himself. at this year's world cup he chose a selection of songs fro" (laughter) clearly mitt envies rainman's ability to connect with people. (laughter) folks, in support of mitt romney i am making dressage the official "the colbert report" sport of the summer. (cheers and applause) so so kids run out and get yourself a $100,000 hanoverian and start
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moving to the sound track from cocktail. ♪ aruba, jamaica, i want to take you ♪ bermuda, bahamas, come on pretty mama ♪ >> stephen: whoo! whoo! i just get swept up. (laughter) nation, sing it with me, the official seventh inning of dressage. ♪ take me out to the horse ring ♪ take me out to dressage ♪ by me some johdpers and a velvet hat ♪ i don't care if the orchestra's flat ♪ let me softly clap for the home horse ♪ if he don't win he'll be glue ♪ for it's one, two, five
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co-pays at you're out at the united states equestrian dressage championships in gladstone new jersey ♪ (cheers and applause) i am xauszed. folks, clearly romney is surging and how's president obama reacting? well, conveniently folks classified info about his anti-terror operations happen to be leaking all over the news. first there were reports about a so-called kill list of terrorists, then u.s. involvement in stux nest t attacked computers in iran's nuclear site. then rumors of a war going on in afghanistan. (laughter) although i'm not sure i believe that one. i think we'd hear something about it on the news. (laughter) you don't have to be a seens you to see a pattern here. just ask these not-jeeps yous.
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>> allegations are wracking washington tonight, is the white house leaking information for political reasons to make president obama look better politically? >> somebody connected to the highest level of the obama administration has decided to leak three different scenarios that make the president look like a strong national security leader. >> he's trying to be like george patton and john wayne. >> stephen: so obvious he's trying to be like george patton and john wayne or errol flynn of douglas fairbanks, that will lock up the youth vote! (laughter) folks, revealing this favorable information gives aid and comfort to our enemies. >> the leaks undercut the u.s. government's ability toll collect information. >> they're saying it's not dangerous, that this doesn't put anybody in jeopardy by having these leaks. by that notion, shouldn't we just start tweeted our troop movement? >> the fact is no one wants to know is what the president is doing. we have never confirmed we even have the program of drone attacks. >> stephen: but now the cat's out of the bag! the terrorists know we have drone strikes. before this leak, al qaeda
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thought their leaders were just spontaneously exploding from natural causes! (applause) maybe... i don't know, maybe bad hummus. (laughter) but, folks, i'm not surprised that obamaír÷ is leak. the man is desperate for any good news because, let's face it he can't run on the economy. though he tries. just listen to this huge gaffe he made on friday. >> we've created 4.3 million jobs over the last two... 27 months. over 800,000 just this year alone. the private sector is doing fine. >> stephen: doing fine? tell that to the 20 staffers i just fired to make obama look bad! (laughter) by the way, guys, i've got to talk to a few of you after the show tonight. not the cameras or hair. (laughter) and it did not take long for mitt to jump all over this blunder. >> he said the private sector is doing fine!
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is he really that out of touch? i think he's defining what it means to be detached and out of touch with the american people. >> stephen: well said. obama is totally out of touch. romney then flew off in his private jet to watch rafalca compete in the national dressage championship. is (cheers and applause) (laughter) this is always down there. (laughter) and romney was just getting lukewarmed up. >> he says we need more firemen, more policemen, more teachers. did he not get the message of wisconsin? the american people did! it's time for us to cut back on government and help the american people! >> stephen: yes, only romney has the courage to say what we're all thinking: america is being
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sucked dry by firemen, policemen and teachers! (laughter) these big-government moochers are so lazy they can't even take the stairs! some of them slide down poles! (laughter) must be nice. the worst part, folks, is our kids look up to these parasites. ask any brainwashed six-year-old what he wants to be when he grows up and it's always members of public service unions-- firemen, policemen, teachers, kids need to started a miring society's real heroes: job creators. that's why i am calling for free books celebrating the 1%. whatq about james and the giant year end bonus? (laughter) or "green eggs and howard weinberg, senior vice president of global currency at goldman sachs." (laughter) have your kids read them! or you might need to read them to your kids because if romney wins, we might be a little low on teachers.
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we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back.
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(cheers and applause) welcome back. nation, you know if you watch this show when it comes to other countries in the world i'm against. (laughter) but recently i've been enthralled by sweden's new campaign to promote tourism. the country's national twitter account--@sweden-- honest to god, is being handed over to a new swede every week. that's right, every week one person speaks for the entire culture. (laughter) i believe it's modeled on the g.o.p. primaries. (laughter) now, the first sweder tweeter, jack werner, set a very high bar responding to a question about how he survived sweden's long winters. he tweeted "i guess i'm drinking a lot of coffee, lighting my face up with my laptop and hanging out with my friends. oh, and you know, masturbation." (cheers and applause)
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little twitter hint. just because you have 140 characters doesn't mean you have to use all of them. (laughter) this week's official twit-plomat sonja abrahamsson wrote a charming question "what's the fuzz with jews? you can't even see if a person is a jew unless you see their penises and even if you do you can't be sure." (audience reacts) turns out, an aryan looking woman asking how to identify jews caused quite the fuzz. (laughter) but i think this is a great system, folks. i want control of sweden's twitter account next. they would be crazy not to give it to me. the@sweden account has only 33,000 followers whereas i have 3.5 million. (cheers and applause) so mathematically i am 100 times
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more prepared for this than the entire nation of sweden! and i can certainly speak for sweeten. i'll prove it. (singing as the swedish chef) (laughter) i hope being picked as sweden's official tweeter comes with a phone replacement budget. (laughter) of course-- thank you, apple-- of course sweden's twitter account currently only accepts applicants who are swedish citizens. though they admit this might change in the future. (laughter) the future, eh? present, present, present, present, present. one day. in the meantime, all doing as a non-citizen is urge colbert
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nation and its swedish equivalent cjolbert notion to pressure sweden's ministry of twitter into giving me the controls. i solemnly swear that i, stephen colbert, know what the fuzz is with jews. (laughter) i'll explain the whole deal to you guys. it's really simple. (cheers and applause) so just fire off an e-mail to curatorapplication jacket and let them know that i am your choice. maybe throw in a couple hurney-shhmurneys to make it authentic. (laughter) let's make operation artificial swedener a success. (laughter) for now, as they say in sweden, we'll be right back. pretty much everyone there speaks english. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: my guest tonight is a mcarthur genius fellow with a new book called "good food revolution." great, i'd say it's about time we took up arms against good food. please welcome will allen. (cheers and applause)r mr. allen, thank you so much for coming on. good to see you. >> good to see you. >> stephen: all right, you are an urban farmer now. you have been a professional basketball player, an executive at k.f.c. and procter & gamble, now you are farming in cities. what led you... you actually are the son of a sharecropper, correct? >> right. >> stephen: what led you back to a farm after all of these high positions? >> well, when i left the farm at 18 i said "never will i do this hard work again."
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you know, all my friends weren't farming and i was kind of stuck on the farm me and my brother joe and tommy we worked on the farm during the summer before i could go play ball, i wound up being a high school all american basketball player in the d.c. area.ñ basketball and i thought i was missing something so when i went to college i was the first african american athlete to go to university of miami to play basketball and then my vision and dream was to play basketball get a college education and my last professional job was in belgium. i went toe a farm in belgium with one of my teammates whose family was in farming and as soon as i touched the soil i knew it was something i missed. i had some hidden passion for growing food.
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>> stephen: why are you bringing farming back to seize? cities are barely a place for humans let alone... do you have farm animals on these farms? >> we do have animals on our farms and milwaukee, but the reason... the practical reasons is we have many food did certs inside of major cities, less than 1% of food is locally grown and we have a lot of people suffering from eating bad food. >> stephen: you're doing this in milwaukee where you are the c.e.o. of something called growing pow cher develops community food systems and your new book is called "the good food revolution." what do r you doing with growing power? how big is your farm in milwaukee? >> well, we started out with one farm that i purchased back in 1993 and that's our national... international headquarters where we train over a thousand farmers from all over the world that come there for hands-on training on how the grow a different kind of way, not the way our grandparents grew but to grow very intensively inside
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greenhouses. >> stephen: how do you do that? could i do that in new york city is? >> absolutely. there are some farms, i visited one in battery park this morning >> stephen: how will howe do you dough that? with a mill and a plow? detroit is some primo real estate... (laughter) to tear down buildings on and put in some farms you say there's a food desert but there is food in cities. food that's very salty and crispy. the best possible kind of food for you and it lasts forever. (laughter) you can't they about coal rabb bi. >> no, no, of course kolrabe... that would be a hard sell, of course. >> stephen: kolrabe, chips, won't get the kids. >> no, no. >> stephen: how many cities are you doing this? in? >> well, we have 17 now, regional training centers around the u.s. but we work in just about every city across the