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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 15, 2012 6:50pm-7:25pm PDT

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(gentle piano intro playing) ♪ ah, ha, ooh ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ ah, ha, ah ♪ ooh ♪ ah, ha, ah ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ pray god you can cope ♪ i stand outside this woman's work ♪ ♪ this woman's world ♪ ooh, it's hard on the man ♪ ♪ now his part is over ♪ now starts the craft ♪ of the father ♪ i know you have a little life in you yet ♪
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♪ i know you have a lot... carmen? what are you doing here? i'm here to get my baby. what? oh, yeah, the tranny's the dad. (laughing, whooping) you had sex with a tranny? no. no, i was their surrogate. we used, uh, her sperm and a donor egg, and then they just kind of... (raspberry) right up there and... we had a difficult time finding a surrogate, but dee here was a miracle to us. see, i can't have kids of my own, and carmen always wanted... yeah, yeah, great, great, miracle for you. how wonderful. dee, you tricked us? how did i trick you? well, we were getting all pumped up about being this baby's dad. we were all keyed up for nothing. yeah, if we knew you were doing this stupid surrogate thing again, we would have just completely ignored your pregnancy. you did ignore my pregnancy! this has been a huge disappointment for us. dee: why? charlie: we were gonna be great dads. we were gonna impose our will on the kid. we had a three men and a baby thing going on! oh, okay, i'm sorry. i have to admit, this whole thing might be for the best. i mean, those two are gonna make great parents, much better parents than any of us would, don't you think? yeah. i guess.
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you know, a baby would've screwed up our chemistry, right? it might've. it might've, yeah, yeah. yeah, we got a good thing going-- why blow it with a baby? yeah, that being said, don't get knocked up anymore, dee-- it's getting old. oh, yeah, no, no, i didn't enjoy any of it. so, what i'm confused on is, the mother is the father, and the father is black and the baby's not black, so... it's all been explained. dee: yeah. i'll talk you through it later. okay. all right. then what is your deal? do we pop you back in there, or are you done having babies, or what's going on ... yeah, can you take me to go get a beer? 'cause i need a beer. ooh, cool, i could go for a beer. you guys want to go back to the bar? yeah! hey, you guys, let's bring the party back to the bar. bring the music. let's go. what the hell's happening back there? a few buddies came along. don't worry about it, dee. oh! let's party in the sewer! oh, yeah, charlie! i'm not going into a sewer. what is your obsession with the sewer these days? you find a lot of great stuff down there. - like what? - like sewage. ha-ha! good one, dee! she's back, baby, she's back! no, no, suppose there's a storm, and a guy loses his ring... oh, my god, is this the ring story again? i'm getting real tired of the ring story. you got to come up with something else, frank. you can't keep using the same... like, give me some crack. you know what i'm saying, dawg?
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we'll get more, we'll get more. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) ed willees and gentlemen, thank you so much. -- ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. thank you, ladies an gentlemen, thank you for joining us. and more than that, ladies an gentlemen, thank you for
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feeling at me. (laughter) nation, we are less than five months away from picking our next president. and at this point, it's anybody's election. >> lucky ducky. >> oh, i'm sorry, not anybody's, i'm sorry, herrmann, either obama or romney's election. because the latest gallop poll has them separated by less than a percentage point. in 2004 we had an equal-- equally close race between bush and kerry. that year bush won because 11 states had anti-marriage ballot initiatives that drove conservatives to the polls. kuz nothing gets value voters to yank the lever like the thought of two guys yanking each other's levers. well-- folks, this year -- this year there is one hot-button issue that could give obama the edge. >> the legallization of
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marijuana once unheard of in most every political corner is now pretty much mainstream. and it's an issue that can win elections. >> 50% of americans now say they favor legallization of marijuana which is i believe a record high. >> stephen: yes, marijuana support is at a record high just like it's supporters. (laughter) now crucial, crucial swing states including colorado, ohio and michigan will all have pot legallization initiatives on the ballot this november. and democrats are hoping that it will boost turnout among young people. yes. because folks, this is the ultimate grass-roots campaign. (laughter) and folks, folks, these pro pot initiatives, if they make it on to the ballot i say romney is doomed. because we call know pot smokers are highly motivated, organized, and punctual.
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there is nothing they would love more than getting off the couch, putting on pants and going to high school gyms packed with judgemental old people. (laughter) i say folks, romney's only hope is that on november 6th, discovery runs a planet earth marathon. [bleep] did you see that? (laughter) of course, romney's other only hope is that he's attracting a completely different demographic. these dead white men. >> it was revealed yesterday that super pacs on the right will probably provide mitt romney with close to a billion dollars if not more than that. >> stephen: a billion dollars on the election. just more evidence that obama's presidency has led
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to wasteful spending. all of this super pac supercash is thanks to citizens united. the supreme court decision which established that in politics money equals free speech. as justus anthony kennedy explained in the majority opinion, and i quote-- (ka-chi (ka-ching) (laughter) of course, of course the hand ringers out there is a that injecting that much money into the election is bad. but in a recent column political pundit and popcorn magnate george wells has a control reposte writing last year procter & gamble spent $3 billion more that will be spent by the obama respondent noom-- romney campaigns and super pacs supporting them. so more is spent to influence american's choice of their detergent than of their president. precisely. buying detergent and
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electing a president are exactly the same thing. because when i buy tide, i have to use it for four years and so does everyone in america. also, tide gets to approve drone strikes on its enemies. (laughter) in fact-- (applause) in fact, i'm surprised republicans haven't already nominated tide for president. it gets your whites whiter than white. but shockingly, there may be a downside to having our political process engulfed by a tsunami of tsu-money. there is so much super pac cash to be sppbt this year that tv networks could actually run out of air time to sell for political ads. there's a finity number of commercials? you wouldn't guess that from watching movies on tnt.
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(laughter) politicians raise all this money to spend on tv. now there's not enough tv to spend it on. all that money's backing up. we're going to get blue billed. (laughter) luckily, luckily, folks, there is an innovation in free speech from former hawaii governor and rejected superman love interest linda lingle. she is running for the senate seat vacated by dan akaka. lingle was hoping to follow akaka in hawaii long tradition of senators with hilarious names. (laughter) she is currently trailing her likely democratic o upon ent by 20 points but all that is about to change. >> a u.s. senate candidate in hawaii is giving the term channel surfing a whole new meaning. former hi high governor linda lingle has launched her own cable channel. >> beginning on or about june 21st lingle 2012 will
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be added to oceanic cable's digital line-up. >> which means you'll be able to watch her any time of the day. >> stephen: that's right. linda lingle is using campaign funds to start her own cable channel. so now you will be able to see her any time you turn on the tv. just like senator seacrest. (laughter) with lingle 2012, lingle can reach voters who will watch 24 hours of political ads, key demographics like insomniacs, people in traction, people without can't find the remote, people trapped under a bookcase. m.c.'s best buy stars and cats left alone with the tv for comfort. (laughter) personally,-- (laughter) they make great companions. i can't wait to see what sort of programming she'll have. from her morning show aloha
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lingle to her late night signoff allowa lingle. (laughter) i say this breakthrough in free speech is too important to keep isolated on hawaii like tom sell eck or leprosy. this, this is the most important election of our lifetime. and if money is speech, speech that informs voters, and an informed electorate is the bedrock of democracy, then for the good of this divided nation i say barack obama and mitt romney should each immediately get their own cable channels dedicated solely to their election. oh, that was quick. (laughter) we'll be right back.
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>> welcome back, everybody. nation, thank you so much. you know me i'm the picture of health. and i have been heavily photo shopped. this is cheating death with dr. stephen t cole bert dfa. >> this queen, this girl, where's the pretty lady? oh, at the two my friend. >> stephen: as always cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. but if the fda is asking we're herb's appliances. first up on cheating death,
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sexual health. folks, every guy's man business bends a little to one side or the other. but in severe cases the angle of the dangle can become a serious medical issue. and make intercourse difficult if not impossible. for instance, you're trying to make love to your wife and you end up having an affair with the clock radio on the night stand. (laughter) well good news, fellas. -- pharmaceutical has a new cure for sufferers of pucil pucili-- it is called xaflex. in a trial of over 400 patients the average curvature for men treated with this went from 49 degrees to 31 degrees a year later. that is great news for patients and for the penis protractor industry. (laughter) and xyaflex is safe and easy to use. it's just eight injections into the penis that can cause pain, swelling and
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hema tomorrowa the. the doctor manipulates the penis by hand to help break up the penile plaque. but don't worry it will show up on your credit card statement as entertainment services. (laughter) and xyaflex is all natural since it's derived from an enzyme that a gangrene causing bacteria uses to eat away at the tissues of its victims. yes, gangrene, so congratulations, your penis will now be as healthy as a veteran of the crymian wars. but why go through penile plaque needs, gangrene and a doctor ring out your dingell like a damn cloth. should we really be making men feel bad about their curvey penises when we could be making women feel bad about their freakishly straight vaginas? (laughter) that's item all male research team at prescott is proud to introdeuce dr. prescott's cross-thotic.
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a corrective pollyure he than intravaginal sleeve in three styles to match your partner's unique shape. there's boomerang. the great gonzo. and crazy straw. side effects of dr. prescott's crossthoughtic may include head face, admiral's clubfoot, and billuous d williams. (laughter) next up, sleep health. folks, if you are's an insomniac there's good news from my favorite sleep aid, cnn headline news. >> sharing a bed with someone can help you sleep better. >> women in a long-term relationship were found to nod off more quickly, they also woke up less often during the night.
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>> stephen: yes, women nod off more quickly when lying next to someone else. whereas men nod off more quickly when women say we really need to nail down our labor day travel plans. (laughter) now scientists believe, scientists believe for women just sleeping with a partner may promote feels of safety and security, lower levels of stress hormones and boost oxies to inwhich eases anxiety. that's good news for married women who have a bed buddy. but what about women who aren't married? well, to help insomniac singles, prescott pharmaceuticals is proud to present vaxijeff. vaxijeff will ensure that you ladies get the restful, stress-free sleep that you deserve. >> no funny stuff. i might not even sleep. i'll just watch you all night. >> stephen: of course, severe case of insomnia may
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require higher doses so vaxijeff will bring his friend terry. >> hey, oh, that would be great. he's going through kind of a rough time right now, kind of a rough patch and he really needs a place to crash. don't ask about deb. >> did she call? >> no! (laughter) >> stephen: side effects of vx axijeff may include missing dvd players, sudden loss of beer, and deb. >> did she call? >> no laugh 4r56 (laughter) >> stephen: well, that's it for cheating death brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. your body will thar thank you because your torso has grown a mouth. until next time i'll see new health. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, my guest tonight is a surprise winning journalist whose new book is called private empire, exxon mobile and american power. isn't that redundant? please welcome steve coll. (cheers and applause) hey, mr. coll, thanks so much for coming on. all right. i love the story of this book. it's called private empire as i said exxon mobile and american power. that's so exciting to me. because exxon mobile is an american company, right. >> they are. >> stephen: and they are projecting their power and therefore our power around the world. >> yes. >> they're good guys, right, exxon p if are you going to have your country taken over, exxon is the company you want to have do it, don't you? >> they're very good at what they do which is produce oil
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& gas and if you were the leader of an oil rich country and you want your money quickly and you want your project done on time they're probably the people to work with but they don't see themselves entirely as an american company. they see themselves as an independent sovereign with their own interest, not always the same as washington interests. they are own foreign policy, their own security policy. so their headquarters is in the united states but they're not entirely american. >> what are you talking about. >> standard oil. that's america's great contribution to the world. it may be a multinational conglomerate but come on this is american oil. >> well, but it's drilled all over the world 256789% of exxon mobile's oil that they produced in the decade after 2,000 was produced in west africa, companies like chad, equatorial guinness, angola. >> stephen: isn't it like an american embassy, where they are drilling is technically america opinions they billed it that way. i traveled out in these
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countries and every exxon mobile compound looks the same it has the same security perimetre, the same lights. employees go in, stay for six weeks, they go in and out of the country almost without touching the country that they are working in. they also pay the salaries of the local military and police forces. >> stephen: so if i'm the president of an emerging country, okay, and we find out we've got oil, like right off our coast or coming out of our volcanoes, whatever it is. >> right. >> stephen: i'm the president of let's sale el diablo, that is the name of my country, president for life, what is exxon come say to me. >> exxon come says to you, do business with us, you'll get your project done on time, our safety record will be excellent. you'll get your money really fast. you can do with it what you want. after they leave the chinese might come in and say we'll do that. we'll also give you some tanks. we'll give you a security council veto. so you will have to think are the chinese really going
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to perform as well as exxon mobile. exxon mobile's advantage is that they actually produce oil & gas better than most companies in the world. but they-- . >> stephen: and then the check clears. >> the check clears. they have a aaa credit rating, the united states government no longer does. that's a sense of their position in the world. they have a durable business model. >> stephen: so if i'm president of el diablo i'm going with exxon then. >> and you also potentially get the idea that if someone tries to come at your presidential 358 as and dislodge you for some reason, not through misrule i'm sure but-- . >> stephen: my people love me. >> i'm sure they do. >> stephen: what about environmental record. because as the president of el diablo i've got beautiful white sand beaches. we got the exxon valdez as part of their legacy. did that, does that affect the company in think way. are they careful. >> they z it transformed their attitude towards safety and operational performance because it was a huge trama inside the company. they never really recovered from it in terms of their
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reputation. but they have become an incredibly rigorous and rule down corporation to the point where they try to ring all human fallibility out of their daily operations. it's a very engineering-led manual driven company. >> stephen: did you get access to the executives at exxon to work on this book? >> a little bit. you know, it was-- . >> stephen: good people? >> very smart people. very dedicated to what they do. and very driven by morality. the current chief executive recently told a magazine his favorite book is atlas shug by ian rand. >> stephen: mine too. >> exactly i love its message of-- [bleep] i've got mine. >> yeah. and it kind of conveys a certain suspicion of government and concentrated power which is-- exxon mobile also is an institution that-- . >> stephen: they're creator, to the des provide-- destroyers, they're not parasites. >> you have a theory that
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resembles theirs. >> stephen: well listen, if you ever talk to one of the executives again, please tell them the country of el diablo welcomes them with open arms. thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: steve coll. the book is private empire. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) going to need today?
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hours and hours of energy. do you have any idea where you're going ? wherever the wind takes me. this is so off course. nature can surprise you sometimes... next time, you drive. next time, signal your turn. ...that's why we got a subaru. love wherever the road takes you.
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>> stephen: thank you so much. welcome back. folks, before we go i have a bittersweet announcement. and not just because during the commercial break i drank a bottle of licorice schnatts-- napps, you see tonight show is the last show for one of my writer, peter gwyn, in the only a first rate writer but a talented performer who has lent his presence to some of the report's most memorable moments. let's take a fond look back. >> hi, mike kill patrick here, i believe herrmann cain is the man to restore america's greatness. won't you join me? >> how about ron paul?
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i mean he's a very passionate following there. >> yeah, yeah, yeah -- >> hello, mi tony hayward. there is no one who wants this over more than i do. >> just let me say -- >> you know what happens when a pelican gets oil on its wings. its makes it awful hard to fly captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
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>> june 14th, 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we got a real good program for you tonight. actress catherine zeta-jones is going to be joining us in a little bit on the program. i'm excited tonight. i'm excited tonight. i just received terrific news. i'm apparently the newly elected president of vaginistan. (cheers and applause)

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