Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 19, 2012 11:00pm-11:30pm PDT

11:00 pm
- nice. [snorting sounds] [party horn blows] >> june 19, 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. good night tonight. our guest tonight supposed to be senator marco rubio from florida. unfortunately harry reid scheduled a lot of senate floor votes for this evening.
11:01 pm
senator rubio unable to get away. which leads me to sate -- say the thing i say almost every day, you (bleep)ed me again, harry reid. you (bleep)ed me again. [ laughter ] the senator will be here next week. in his police we got very lucky denisleary. graciously stepped in his lace. a young -- dlenis leary. both candidates face the task of solidifying the enthusiasm of their base while reaching out to the undecided to cover all of tonight's democalypse2012 panda express edition sponsor by panda express. when you need panda meat and you need it fast. [ laughter ] the first rule --
11:02 pm
[ laughter ] -- i might have gotten their slogan wrong. [ laughter ] the first rule of election year seduction is knowing your audience. both gave speeches that offered demographic snapshots of their campaigns. barack obama must appeal to a diverse endlessly fractured coalition of competing interest while romney has to bring together what appears to be 50 shades of white. [ laughter ] so the different makeup of this stittencecies determined the strategy. the democrats torque win, must go lord of rings style. bring together all the armies of middle earth. [ laughter ] to fight what they believe is the evil eye of mormon. [ laughter ] they've got to bring together the gays, the environmentists,. [ laughter ] -- hired union labor -- [ laughter ]
11:03 pm
-- and of course, short, often bearded people known for hoarding gold, i don't know which group within the democratic stittencecy that they would -- constituency they would represent. [ laughter ] meanwhile, romney must help his more homogenuos constituency. let's represent his strategy with -- i don't know -- the alamo. a last ditch effort by white americans to keep mexicans out of their basements. [ laughter ] not an exact science. [ laughter ] so far obama strategy has been to entice each group with a different spoism he has come out in support of gay marriage. he has -- [ laughter ] -- spoken about making college more affordable.
11:04 pm
[ laughter ] and he gave shimon perez the meddle of freedom. [ laughter ] good one. it really aleves only one group unspoken for. >> this morning secretary napolitano announced new acts my administration will take to mend our immigrations -- nation's immigration policy. over the next few months eligible individuals who not present a risk to national security or public safety would be able to request temporary relief from deportation proceedings and apply for work authorization. >> jon: those who are still a risk will be targeted by flying robot drones with high-powered lasers. your move, davy crockett, what are you going to do? >> rick scott said it's aimed at clearing regulation rolls of
11:05 pm
noncitizens. >> jon: so the time honor yod tradition continues. iowa begins the presidential race and florida (bleep)s all over it. we're joined by wyatt and john oliver. thank you for joining he is. wyatt you are following the romney campaign, john you are em embedded with the obama campaign. how does the obama administration say it's just election year pandering? >> who who who, they want to make it clear, they didn't do this for votes. they did it because it's the right thing to do. that being said, immigrant voters wish to express their gratitude at the polls this november, that would be muy, muy bueno, comprend snerks.
11:06 pm
>> jon: what is the response from republicans? is restricting voter access to the polls the idea for them? >> republicans don't want to stop people from voting they want to make sure college student dozen it safely. they'll merely be asked to provide their own urine for drug testing purposes, four gallons of it. >> jon: that's a lot of urine. >> exactly, jon, which is why the president is announcing tomorrow that all children of jewish mothers are now doctors. [ laughter ] >> jon: what? can the president do in a? the president can't do that? >> of course, the president can do that dr. stewart. congratulations, by the way. it's been done before. in 1954 president truman turned all of americans filipinos into podiatrists. >> jon: i think the democrats took florida with in a.
11:07 pm
that's really -- >> republicans are raising the voting age. >> jon: to what? >> to that period where you are dead but your finger nails and hair still grow. romney baptized those dead people. >> jon: john? >> cats can vote. big ones, little ones, house and wild. they can adopt children and get married but they can vote. remember kitties yes we meow! >> all polling places are in dog houses. >> we don't do that to that would deliberately ailencate the cat vote! >> jon: aren't they concerned that this type of scorched earth politicking will make it more difficult to fix the problems facing america? >> fix the problems? [ laughter ] >> jon, the purpose of election isn't to fix the problems facing the country. it's to win! >> right! >> jon: thank you. we'll be right back. >> whaha
11:08 pm
11:09 pm
11:10 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. now, as we've seen, the president's use of executive power to permit certain young
11:11 pm
imfrants to stay in the country. it's upset many republicans, not because could lose them the hispanic vote for generations but because they feel badly it took sew balma so long to do it. >> he promised immigration reform in the first year and did he nothing. >> he had overwhelming majorities in both houses of congress. nothing was done. >> he had the full run of the table and he failed to get it done. >> jon: we were begging him. to fundamentally transform america's approach to immigration. look how we rallied around him with the whole health care thing. we love the guy. apparently obama miss the the opportunity to get immigration reform done two, three years ago. no use now on wondering what might have happened if only he tried. it was december 2010. yes, i remember it well. ♪ you better watch out, you better not cry you better not
11:12 pm
pout i'm telling you why santa claus is coming to town ♪ [ laughter ] pretty sure that was the wrong december 2010 memory. [ laughter ] pretty sure that was -- [ laughter ] spanx will make anyone look skinny. i was looking for the memory about obama trying to get the dream act through congress. >> the president was, we should say, dealt one significant defeat this weekend when republicans blocked the so called dream act. >> the senate voted in favor of bill 55-41 but that wasn't enough to stop a republican filibuster. [ laughter ] >> jon: i could have actually grown a beard in that amount of time but at least obama failed the right way, legislatively but
11:13 pm
this unilateral action. >> is simply constitutional decency. >> the executive branch has given to itself something that the people's representatives in congress rejected two years ago. >> we've got a president, we don't have a king. >> jon: but you admit he's president. progress! you've done it. he's president. [ applause ] freedom! [ laughter ] apparently what obama has done is completely without precedent in our democracy. [ laughter ] to find examples of a president acting unilaterally on deportation policy would -- to find exam. s of that -- examples of that you would have go back as far as -- >> george w. bush has issued an executive order to grant reprieve to lie leerans facing deportation to the united states. >> jon: all hail king george
11:14 pm
the bush. other than george bush, capitol hill clinton, george h.w. bush and ronald reagan no president in modern history has changed deportation through executive action except all of them. they may be what you call situational or until i saw this on fox news. >> let me play this for the audience so they understand and fully grasp here the magnitude of what he did on friday. let's play this. >> jon: there's a gotcha coming! i bet it's a big one. >> this notion that somehow i can just changes the laws unilaterally is not true. the fact of the matter is there are laws on the books that i have to enforce. i think there's been a grit disservice done -- great disservice done to the cause of getting the dream act passed and getting comprehensive immigration passed by perpetrating the notion that somehow by myself i can go and
11:15 pm
do these things. it's just not true. >> jon: oh, (bleep). um, wow that was just nine months ago. the president publicly admitting he's not allowed to do the thing he just did. that's -- game over fox. kudos. i'm sometimes a little bit hard on the folk there's, perhaps somewhat judgmental, quick to pounce. i'm a dick. of kind of a dick but they got it right. i commend them. i acknowledge they are diligence and accuracy and i apologize. before i go, one more thing, maybe it's just me that but video -- [ laughter ] it looked to me like the president might not have been done speaking. i don't know if that's the truth
11:16 pm
or not. i'm probably wrong but i won't sleep tonight unless we give it a quick check and role the unedited tape. >> the notion that somehow by myself i can go and do these things is just not true. what we could do is prioritize enforcement since there are limited enforcement resources and say, we're not going to go chasing after this young man or anybody else who has been acting responsibly and would otherwise qualify for legal status if the dream act passed. >> jon: (bleep). [ laughter ] they just cut obama off just before -- they cut him off before he clearly says that he can do the exact thing he just did but which you said he said
11:17 pm
he's not supposed to -- [ laughter ] mother (bleep). you almost had me, fox news. almost had me but reverse, got you! the whole inning in is like i dream i witness had. -- i once had. [ laughter ] ♪ silent night, holy night ♪ all is calm ♪ all is bright [ laughter ] >> jon: we'll we'll be right ba. 9sww
11:18 pm
11:19 pm
11:20 pm
11:21 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. gi midwest tonight a very, very -- my guest tonight a very, very funny actor. his new movie is "the amazing spiderman." >> make your point quickly. i know who it is. >> dr. curtis connor. who is also my daughter's mentor is that who you are talking about? >> that is the one. >> he wrote a glowing college
11:22 pm
recommendation. when i read it, i cried. you would have me believed he's running around dressing up like a dinosaur. >> not dressing up. he has transformed himself into a giant lies yard. >> let me ask you a question: do i look like the mayor of tokyo? >> jon: please welcome back to the program denis leary. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] sit down. sit down. [cheers and applause] >> it's linen. >> jon: it's beautiful pale something. it's nice. >> it's summery. i'm always dark when i come on the show. i thought i'll be like a light summer guy. >> jon: you are going to (bleep) on that you'll go to
11:23 pm
carm yiens and be like my jacket. >> he knows me. this will have pizza juice all over it in an hour. >> jon: sit down. >> waiting for you. ask can i say a couple of things. i'm filling in for a guest who canceled senator -- >> jon: marco rubio. >> i'm going to lord this over your (bleep) head for as long as we (bleep). >> jon: are you talking about rubio owe or me? >> me. i'm doing you a huge favor by being here right now. >> jon: thank you. you owe me. remember that lung transplant you needed? [ laughter ] who killed that vague grant, took the lungs and stuffed them down your (bleep) throat? who did that? >> it's true. did he do that. >> jon: you owe me, sister. >> yes. can i ask a question? >> jon: please. >> was that a colombo
11:24 pm
impression. >> jon: i watched before the show started to try to remember. my first voice was this -- i don't know let me asking a question. you know i can't do impressions. >> was that indian guy your obama impression? because it (bleep). [ laughter ] >> jon: can i do one thing queens guy. >> do you the queens guy great. >> jon: and old jewish guy. >> and whiney jew. that's your normal state of being. you are really good at it. >> jon: that's not an impression it's more of just -- it's like oh, right i'm awake. >> i get that. >> jon: you do whiney jew really well. yeah, yeah. i do a variety. tired jew. >> yes. >> jon: you -- >> do you angry jew. is he not a great ainge angry jew? >> jon: i appreciate that. the angry jew is of course,
11:25 pm
always where is my sandwich! it's sandwich related anger, by the way. >> i spent many times with you when you were angry over sandwiches late night after gigs. you were always angry about a sandwich. because it's about proportions. [ laughter ] you go to these places who makes a grilled cheese sandwich with (bleep) three inches of bread on both sides and two slices of cheese? >> i understand. somebody is really (bleep) off about the sandwiches. >> jon: just because your people have not developed taste buds doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer. >> my people can taste whiskey seven blocks away. [cheers and applause] by sniffing. >> jon: that's not taste. that's just sensing it. >> sniffing the air. >> jon: let's talk about the movie. >> there's two movies. there's ice age 12. >> jon: oh, please. there's paycheck 12 and then
11:26 pm
there's did. >> spider -- "the amazing spiderman". >> jon: why are you in the first one. you were already green goblin if the nirts speederman? why are you -- in the first spiderman? >> you know i've been away from security because people think i'm defoe -- dafoe from spiderman. i get security because of who is the man? great hip-hop movie. >> jon: dr. dre. >> i'm in it and people in security say who is the man, sergeant cooper and i get hey, man, spiderman before i'm in this spiderman movie. poor dafoe because you know he's getting operation dumb bow drop somewhere. >> jon: you think in airports they are like you are not getting through here. are we done?
11:27 pm
i see them giving you the signal. i'm filling in for a senator. i should get extra -- i should have -- i should have like an extra five minutes to talk about the farm bill. >> jon: you have time to stick around and go to the web? >> i'll go to the web. >> jon: the amazing spiderman in theaters -- >> and ice age 4 july 13. >> jon: you plays the wambat afraid of cold water. denis leary. rx
11:28 pm
11:29 pm