Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 27, 2012 1:35am-2:05am PDT

1:35 am
1:36 am
>> stephen: tonight, controversy over a pixar movie. they found nemo deep fried. (laughter) then new frontiers in advertising. the hamburger helper glove now offers happy ending. (laughter) then, my guest writer richard ford is here with his new novel called "canada." i'm going to ask him what it's aboot. (laughter) there's going to be a spice girls musical! ♪ i'll tell you what i want, what i really, really want ♪ not that. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" trchlt.
1:37 am
captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, thank you so much! (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report." right off the bat i want to thank some of you for joining us. (laughter) but only some. because some of you are not welcome at all. of course, i'm talking about los illegals which, of course, is spanish for mexican. (laughter) we are powerless against them, folks, thanks to the supreme
1:38 am
court yesterday overturning arizona s.b.-1080, arizona's attempt to implement their own immigration policy in opposition to the current federal immigration policy of not having an immigration policy. (laughter) it was a 5-3 decision with elena kagan recusing herself and sonia sotomayor allowed to vote only after she showed her papers. (laughter) nation, nation, this decision is a disaster partly because it throws open our country's borders but mostly because mitt romney now has to express an opinion that might upset his pick voters. of course, it's great for obama, he's been pandering to latinos all year. what with last week offering to let young illegals stay and, of course, his shameful entrance at the state of the union. >> mr. speaker, the president of the united states!
1:39 am
(playing "mexican hat dance") (laughter) clearly mitt romney had to get on top of this issue. so last night he told a room of 200 donors in arizona "i would have preferred to see the supreme court give more latitude to the states, not less, there are states now under this decision that have less authority, less latitude to enforce immigration laws. and states have to be able to enforce their own immigration laws. as justice scalia said yesterday in a fiery dissent "in the first 100 years of the republic the states enacted numerous laws restricting the immigration of certain classes of aliens including convicted criminals, indigents, persons with contagious diseases and, in southern states, freed blacks." (audience reacts) yes, the first 100 years of the republic. the good old days. (laughter) before abraham lincoln started a war over his federal fetish and before you know it the states
1:40 am
were under a single set of laos and all the vampires are dead. (laughter) we must return to our founder's dream of every state deciding who it could turn away at its border. now, i believe that when i head home to connecticut after work i should have to show my papers-- especially after they drag off my driver luis for forgetting his. (laughter) it's easy. 50 states; 50 immigration policies. every state gets its own bird, right? if georgia can say yes to the brown thrasher why can't south carolina say no to the brown guatemalan? (laughter) scalia's right. if arizona is a sovereign state it should have its own immigration standards, its own standing army, its own currency, its own olympic team, its own space program, and its own debts with china. (laughter) because strong states rights are what made this country.
1:41 am
no, jimmy, no, jimmy, the other country. right. (laughter)xñ.& nation, some people like a thin mint, other like a junior mint, i prefer a judgment. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, the new pixar movie "brave" came out this past weekend. according to the film's makers it's the story of a highland princess who rejects the suitors picked by her mother and fights for the chance to choose her own path. and we in the media know what it's really about. a lesbian princess! (laughter) because any 15-year-old girl who resists an arranged marriage has got to be gay. (laughter) which is why i'm issuing a wag of my finger to pixar for their blatant rainbow agenda. i mean, think about it, they have been rubbing in the our faces for years. like "monsters, inc.
1:42 am
" a big hairy guy looking for a one-eyed monster. (laughter) (cheers and applause) yeah. they're not fooling anybody. not fooling anybody. or the one about the elderly bachelor and his furry pal with the kinky collar trying to get it up. (audience reacts) or "carspbpl 2" which both suckd and blew. (laughter) next up on tip/wag, researchers at the london school of hygiene and tropical medicine-- where i believe they teach you how to use a mango as a deodorant-- they've just released an exciting new study. >> data shows the entire adult global population is nearly 17 million tons overweight. >> stephen: 17 million tons! i don't know about you, but i can really go for 17 million tons of ribs. because guess who's not just pulling their weight but cramming it into a pair of stretch pants?
1:43 am
the united states of america! (cheers and applause) that's why we give a tip of my hat to the u.s.a. for being the fattest country in the world! whoo! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! (crowd chanting "u.s.a.") (laughter) according to the report, although only 6% of the global population live in america, we are responsible for more than a third of its obesity. (audience reacts) what does that mean? who knows? because we're already 27th in math. (laughter) the report found that while the average global body weighs 137 pounds, the average north american body came in at 138 pounds. do you hear that, skinny
1:44 am
countries? we've got 41 pounds on you! listen up, bangladesh, your mama's so skinny that when she sits around the house she sits comfortably in every chair. (laughter) we've gotten terribly worried about her health. you've gotta eat. the monsoons are coming. (laughter) nation, i was actually worried about her just then. this is great for us. we're always talking about an energy crisis in this country. well, fat is literally stored energy. let's just drop an injection well into our big butts and frank that crack! frack that crack! (applause) finally, regular viewers of the show know that i am all about wearing a sweet set of b-ball tanks for the rocking the dunk hole. also, i like athletic shoes which is why i am issuing a wag
1:45 am
of my finger at the p.c. police for denying me the latest spare of super fly sneaks. last week air, dee doctor-assisted suicide announced plans to reduce their new j.s. round house shoes in august but they were deemed offenseive to african americans. >> adee das, one of the most recognized brands has developed sneakers with rubber shackles on. civil rights leaders say the shoes are insensitive and remind them of slavery. >> oh, yes, black people had totally forgotten about slavery until you reminded them with these shoes. (laughter) come on! why does everything in america have to be about race? the proof that these shoes have nothing to do with slavery is right there on their facebook says which says "got a sneaker game so hot you lock your kicks to your ankles?" see? they're just playfully suggesting these sneakers are so cool someone might murder you to steal them. (laughter)
1:46 am
and why are these shoes getting singled out no? no one ever complains that cricketed war criminal charles taylor has his own line of footwear. (laughter) if adidas wants to make amends i suggest they release sneakers that highlight more positive aspects of african american history. like the g washington carvers which have insoles made of peanut butter. (laughter) now your move can be smooth or crunchy. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
1:47 am
1:48 am
1:49 am
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, everybody.%w welcome back. nation, you know, i have been in the t.v. biz for a long time and there are three rules in this industry: moisturize the money maker, do whatever you can to fill time and do whatever you can to fill time. (laughter) also, fourth rule: advertisements. nothing on the magic box is possible without the sponsors. and it's the duty of every american to watch them that's why i was outraged to hear dish network is introducing a new service called autohop that allows you to skip ads all together. not to be confused with dish network's other service that allows you to skip television
1:50 am
during cloudy days. (laughter) (applause) nice to have a break, watch the rain come down. folks, we're talking full-on ad removal. not your quaint fast forwarding through commercials on tivo-- which i have found a way around by having my sponsors air their ads in super slow-mo. (laughter) you should hear the sound he makes when you put anymore the oven. and, folks, i'm not the only one outraged by this because dish and its add hopper service is being sued by cbs, fox, and nbc... all the major networks! and nbc! nation, this is a disaster. if t.v. networks get rid of ads, hard-working t.v. folk like me will be forced to do more
1:51 am
integrated product placement on their shows just to put food on the table. and not just any food. (laughter) i'm talking delicious k.f.c.. (cheers and applause) weather it's original recipe, extra crispy or heart-healthy kentucky grilled chicken. (laughter) because isn't it time you tasted why fresh is better? and, folks, if dish network is allowed to eliminate ads it will set up a battle royale between viewers and advertisers and it won't be long before networks have to pick sides. mouth watering sides like home-style biscuits, refreshing coleslaw or... (laughter) or... (cheers and applause) if you're really hungry, the colonel's crispy strips. so tender and delicious who can say no? not my attractive t.v. family,
1:52 am
that's for sure. >> dad got k.f.c.! >> and i didn't have to cook! >> stephen: and we're all thankful for that! (laughs) she is the worst. (laughter) really horrible. it's actually... actually a source of some stress in an otherwise happy marriage. (laughter) so shame on you, dish network. you can take my ads when you pry them from my cold, dead, finger-licking hands. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
1:53 am
[ male announcer ] introducing new dentyne split to fit pack. it splits in to two smaller, sleeker packs that fit almost anywhere so you can take them everywhere. dentyne split to fit. practice safe breath.
1:54 am
1:55 am
1:56 am
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight has a new book titleded "canada." i'll put it on michelle and it will apologize to my other books. please welcome richard ford. (cheers and applause)
1:57 am
mr. ford, thanks so much for coming on. >> good to be here. >> all right, sir, let's get out what is quite the impressive resume for you. >> there's no need to do that. >> stephen: no, the audience needs to know what a powerhouse i'm sitting across from right now. you are a novelist short story writer best known for "the sports writer" and its sequels "independence day" and "the lay of the land." "independence day," the first novel to win both the pulitzer and penn faulkner award. now, i don't normally have novelists on because i do not like people who lie to me. (laughter) okay? novels aren't true, right? they aren't factual. >> that's really an old saw, you know, about novels being lies. novels are much better than lies actually.3y+ lies you have to finally 'fess up to at the end, get caught at. novels you don't have to do that. novel cans actually aspire to be the truth even.
1:58 am
>> stephen: will w a capital "t "t"? >> or a little one if you like. >> stephen: you're shooting for one right now with your new novel called "canada." i am offended, sir. you are a great american novelist. why is this not called "america"? (laughter) >> well, because that's not what i wanted to call it. to be an awe or that means you get to decide everything. that's why what i did. i wanted to call it canada. >> stephen: is it about canada? >> well, it's about a family who lives in great falls, montana, and the mother of the father of the family, three kids, rob a bank and the little girl in the family who's 15 runs away, the little boy gets transported across the border into saskatchewan which which is in canada. (laughter) >> i understand, don't patronize me, sir. (laughter) >> stephen: did something draw you to canada? >> well, i'll tell you one
1:59 am
anecdote. the year after w was elected, which was a dark day. i know this probably goes against your sensibilities. >> it does, it does. >> i drove across the boarder from montana where i live to saskatchewan and i felt the weight of the world lift off of me. i felt something marvelous had happened to me i felt that every time i went to canada. i wasn't just being in a country where george bush is president. (laughter) it had to do with canada. there was something saving and tolerating and wonderful about canada. >> stephen: i've had that experience in canada only one time. that's when i went to vancouver and i think it was a contact high. (laughter) is there something about the canadian character that's different than the american character? >> everybody's not armed there for one thing. >> stephen: so it's a very dangerous place. guns are the only thing protect you. >> if you need protection.
2:00 am
and i guess you do. >> stephen: i do. (laughter) don't you? you're a famous person. >> no. writers in america aren't famous people. we work away silently alone in rooms. you're a famous person. >> stephen: i'm very famous. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: at the beginning of this book you say... the first sentence of the book is "first i'll tell you about the robbery our parents committed then about the murders which happened later." >> yes. >> stephen: now i know everything that happens in the book. (laughter) you've given away the milk. why am i buying the cow? >> i thought if i did that you would know those things were coming and you would be nervous about it and you would anticipate it and rather than blowing my lead i use mid-lead. second i was interested in writing this book about the
2:01 am
consequences to these acts much more than the act themselves. novels in general are about the consequences of human behavior, the consequences of human acts much more than they are about just the acts themselves. >> stephen: you were known for not taking criticism all that well. >> wouldn't you like to be known for that, actually. would you like to be known for taking criticism very well? >> stephen: i never get criticized so it's easy. (laughter) so do you read reviews of your own work? >> no, i don't read reviews because i find the good reviews-- when there are good reviews-- make me just as angry as the bad reviews, and there are plenty of those. >> stephen: why would a good review make you angry? >> because they just didn't get it right. >> stephen: like they're complimenting the wrong things? >> or not complimenting it enough. (applause) so i said to myself i'm a much happier boy if i don't read any of it. >> stephen: because if you do get a bad review that must be in some ways... if you invest your own emotion in that, that could
2:02 am
be crippling because how can does it take you to write a book? how long have you worked on this? >> i worked on it writing it about three years but it's been in my brain since 1989. >> stephen: really. >> yeah, what were you doing in 1989? >> i was in kindergarten. (laughter) pre-k. >> a life well spent. >> stephen: why so long? if you're just making stuff up, why don't you make stuff up? >> i like facts, facts are good. you can do great good with them. imagination is saving in a way. imagination allows you to put something where nothing was and give it to somebody and make it as beautiful as you can and let that be your contribution to the world. >> stephen: what did you imagine you would just put in there? (laughter) >> my hand. >> stephen: you said put something where nothing was. and if there's nothing there, you would imagine something.
2:03 am
>> i would put a well-chosen word in a sentence. >> stephen: i thought it was a clam shell, that's what i thought. (laughter) you keep your books in the freezer. when you're writing the books you put your notes in there. why the freezer? >> i grew up in... we didn't have a freezer when i was growing up. >> in mississippi. >> stephen:. >> stephen: they didn't have freezers? >> we had iceboxes but there was an old depression era fear that if the house burn it is icebox burns last. >> stephen: the ice fights back? >> but if i put my man screw scripts in there then if the house burns then maybe.... >> stephen: does it keep the ideas fresher? >> it does. it does. >> stephen: do you feel them at all or do you start working on the novel and think "this kind of tastes like bad ice cream"? richard ford, thank you so much for joining me. the book is canada.
2:04 am
the the man is richard ford. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the dee: i don't know. what do you think? it's kind of doing nothing for my hip area and making a mess of my boobs. you know what? why don't you go grab five more? look, we don't normally do this, but i think i'm going to need some proof that you're actually getting married. what? why? because you've been coming in here and trying on wedding dresses every saturday for over a year now. yeah, that's 'cause it takes a really long time to plan a wedding. don't get up all over my balls, lucy, just go get the dresses. when is the wedding? - soon. - where? - a church. - which one? - the nearby one. - the nearby one? the... right down the street.