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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 28, 2012 1:35am-2:05am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, i have to tell you, folks, you just have no idea.
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folks, thank you so much. please, good to have i with us. folks, you have no idea what that kind of energy means to me. i just-- i just want to crawl into your lap and stroke your hair. ( laughter ). ( applause ) nation, the presidential election is only four months away. it is time for the candidates to put their money with their mouth is, and every other orifices because we're talking about a lot of money. especially on the republican side. just this past weekend, all the big g.o.p. donors were at deer valley resort in utah at the first national romney victory leadership retreat. you've got to respect that sort of confidence. ( laughter ). the man has not even officially been nominated yet, and he's celebrating victory. i can't wait for this weekend's
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mitt romney second inauguration ho-down and presidential library fund-raiser. ( cheers and applause ) the victory retreat was a reward for big donors who had contributed $50,000 or raised $250,000 for the campaign. no word yet on where mitt will host his small donors but given the number of them, i'm guessing the back of a tandem bike. ( laughter ). now, small things may be sunny with a chance of cash for the g.o.p. the financial forecast for the democrats is partly cloudy with a chance of fighting a seagull for half a hot dog bun. >> woes for the democratic national convention keep piling up. faced with a $27 million fund-raising shortfall the host committee pulled the plug on
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using the speedway for the kickoff. >> there are reports they will have to downsize their convention activities. >> how confident are you that the convention will be a success in charlotte? >> we haven't raised enough money yet, but we will, and it won't be a disaster. ( laughter ). >> stephen: "it won't be a disaster," the most stirring democratic rallying cry since f.d.r.'s "we have nothing to fear but..." they don't teach you that in history class. democrats, of course, have only themselves to blame for this shortfall because they refused all corporate money for the convention, and they have tried to raise taxes on the top 1%. so i guess you don't need our money, democrats. ( laughter ) why don't you run along and ask your little people that you love so much. i'm sure if they reach deep down into their couch cushions,
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they'll find your $27 million. ( laughter ) and if not, maybe-- maybe a tip jar on the pretty desk that says, "change we can believe in." ( cheers and applause ) oh, oh, oh, oh, you know what? i'll even do my part. here we go. oh, no, this is for my dirty, dirty superpac. i wouldn't want to sully your moral high ground. the view must be lovely from up there. ( laughter ). and, folks, i gotta tell you the democrats could do worse than this change jar, and they have. >> in lieu of a gift, would you ask your wedding guests to donate to president obama? his reelection campaign has now launched an on-line event registry. >> people tying the knot can ask friends and family to donate instead of giving presents. >> stephen: now we know why obama is for gay marriage--
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double the fund-raising. now, folks while barack obama here is getting crushed in money ball, he has gotten some good news in the presidential horse race, or as romney calls it the presidential horse valet. obama is way out front in a recent survey conducted by leading pollster and tribal boob archivist, "national geographic." >> a "national geographic" poll asks which candidate would be better able to handle an alien invasion? the answer-- 65% said president obama. ( applause ). >> stephen: of course, of course people said obama ( cheers and applause ) of course they said obama. i'm pretty sure he's a vulcan. ( laughter )
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and a surprisingly easy to do. and they already know where he stands with aliens. he will give them a path to citizenship so they can come here and steal all the good jobs. folks, i like this kind of polling. we need to ask more questions to find out what the candidates would never have to do in the situation that will never occur. just in case it does, which it never will. remember, in 2008, all those hillary ads asked how candidate obama would handle that 3:00 a.m. phone call. what i want to know is how would he handle a 3:00 a.m. zombie apocalypse ( cheers and applause ) i mean-- how? the people need to know. how will he keep them at bay? will he use the bat, the sawed off, or the nail gun? has he even chons his anti-zombie bunker? i'd go with the washington monument. sheer limestone walls, one
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entrance, and a steel staircase that is easy to electrify. of course, the second choice would be the halls of congress because no one goes there looking for brains. ( cheers and applause ) folks, and if the candidates discover a telephone booth that goes back in time, would they save custer at little bighorn or lincoln at ford's theater? trick question because the first rule of campaign time travel, always go back and kill hitler. you gotta lock up the florida vote. ( applause ) of course, folks, with an election this tight, what's really going to decide it is voter turnout in swing states. that's why officials must stay vigilant against voter fraud. thankfully, republican state legislatures across the country have been fighting fraud with
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voter i.d. laws, pen opinion passed a voteo requiring voters to show a photo i.d., or for the amish, two notarized forms of mule. it's not a moment too soon. pennsylvania has had a shocking "no documented cases of in-person voter fraud." zero evidence. they were that good. ( laughter ) of course, the sharks in the lame stream media have called voter i.d. laws a scheme to disenfranchise low-income and elderly voters. they have sunk their jaws into an innocent victim because this is blood in the water. >> shark, shark shark, shark, shark. shark. >> stephen: tonight's chum du jour is pennsylvania house majority leader and keeper of america's strategic forehead
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reserve, mike turzai. now, turzai has been in the center of a feeding frenzy ever since he bragged about this legislative achievement. >> voter i.d., which is going to allow governor romney to win the state of pennsylvania, done. >> stephen: wow! there it is, folks. he's going to win because of voter i.d. that's the g.o.p. game plan for this election. >> he just said-- and i take him at his word-- we're really about partisan gain, about the pursuit of power. >> these new laws making it hard tore vote require government-issued photo i.d. cards and other moves are aimed at getting romney other and republicans elected. he blew the cover. he admit the the whole scheme was to win. >> stephen: what! the point of politics is to win? no one tell chris math use where babies come from. he still thinks his parents found him in a potato patch. ( laughter ).
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besides,-- ( applause ) and i believe them. besides, as a g.o.p. spokesman explained, representative turzai was speaking at a partisan political event-- exactly. it was a private gathering. partisan politicians can say those things to each other and it's not offensive. the same way that black people can say to each other, "i believe we're being disenfranchised, " why o. of the law enforcement laugh so stop circling turzai, sharks. you should like this guy. he's just trying to elect a great white. ( laughter ) we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, i don't know if you've checked the newspapers, but for those of you who weren't paying attention, it is gay pride month. and the signs are everywhere. you've got your pride parades. you've got your rainbow flags. even the pentagon held their first-ever pride celebration but there's been one expression of pride that completely blindsided me. >> america's favorite cookie is stirring up some controversy. >> kraft foods posted a gay pride version of the oro cookie on its facebook pang. it's stuffed with six layers of frosting in the colors of the rainbow flag headlined, "june 25, pride." and it says, "proudly support love." >> stephen: good god! oreos are gay! and the things i've done with them. ( laughter )
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all those nights lying in bed, cramming four or five in my mouth at once, splitting them open and licking the cream off. i mean, i should have-- folks, i should have known something was fishy when these homo-snack-uals got me to accept consensual double stuffing. the only good thing about this is that with this action, kraft has finally proven what i have always said-- there is nothing in america that can escape the gravitational pull of our culture wars. i mean, i'd begun to fear that there was something left that would not divide us. i mean, i was naive enough to think that a cookie could be simply a delicious treat to be enjoyed without getting drawn into a sociosexual identity politics. what a fool i was! and now that orios have come out
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of the pantry-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) i believe-- i believe, i know all snack food must take sides. twinkies, i think i know where you stand. ( laughter ) ( applause ) after all, your mascot is a naked man in a cowboy hat. and almond joy's got nuts. mounds-- i don't know what i'm showshowssupposed to do with anl crackers. that is sick. folks we must not limit our partisanship to gay rights. i need to know where all my food stands on every hot button issues. where do frosted flakes come down on transvaginal ultrasounds. i bet tony the tiger thinks they're a grrrrross invasion of privacy. ( applause )
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and it is time for life to take a stand and slap "pro" on that box. because no matter how innocent, how innocent our foodstuff may seem, everything we consume must be fraught with divisive political meaning and i'm not letting you off, water. two hydrogens, one oxygen. i will not stand if your freaky molecular three-way. you either drop one or i start showing in jack daniel's. by the way, jack-daniel, you better just be roommates. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) it's olive garden's 2 for $25.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the cochair of the bill and melinda gates foundation. cochair-- they get all that money and have to share a chair? please welcome melinda gates ( cheers and applause ) hey, melinda good to see you again. nice to you have back. >> likewise. >> stephen: now and your husband, bill-- how is bill? >> he's terrific. >> stephen: please tell him to stop by more often. >> okay. >> stephen: once would be good. ( laughter ). now you're-- you're both trustees of the bill and melinda
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gates foundation. you have, through your work in impoverished countries, you have saved hundreds of thousands if not millions of lives. do you ever feel like a chump for not having-- ( cheers and applause ) do you feel like a snuck of schmuck for not having a superpac. >> i think what we're trying to do is things beyond one election season so i feel good about the money we spend, particularly in the developing world. q. could land like a ton ofbricd hand pick the person. >> but i'm not interested in doinga that. i'm interested in working with whichever administration gets elected. >> stephen: i understand, i understand, but you could decide which one it is. now, i'm going to make you an offer-- and i don't make this offer to everybody-- i will take your money. i have a 501 c-4, which is called a spooky pac. people don't get ton where the money comes from. you give me $100 million, and no one will ever know.
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>> that could be a little problem, because we like to be very, very transparent about all the work we do with our partners all over the world. >> stephen: no one will know you were not transparent because i'll edit this out of the interview. >> that will be convenient. >> stephen: is that a yes? >> no, that's a no. >> stephen: good because now we have plausible deniability that i said no. but you mean no, right? >> i mean no. >> stephen: good, keep that up. ( laughter ). okay, now, as i said, you do things for people in these developing countries. sell me on helping other people. why? ( laughter ) why do you do this? >> because i think that, you know, the resources that we have that came from microsoft can be used for incredible impact. i mean, we are save, people's lives by making sure they get great vaccinations or bed nets so they tonight get malaria. it really makes a difference, and people stay alive because of that. >> stephen: you've got a new charitable hob horse you're on, and it's not necessarily saving
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people's lives as stopping people's lives from existing. you want to provide family planning for 120 million men and women around the world. >> right ( applause ). ( cheers ) >> stephen: why? what good does that do? ( laughter ) >> well, what we know is if you give people options and you let women decide when and if they want to have a child, they will actually space the birth of their children. and what they will tell you when you talk to them in these countries is, "then i can feed my children and i can get my children on a path to getting them educated. and guess what? our family can become self-sufficient." and ultimately they get off of aid and build healthy communities and healthy families. it's incredible. >> stephen: it's a wildly controversial stance because you know from the culture wars in the united states, if you're in favor of contraception, you are automatically a shut. ( laughter )
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okay. aren't you afraid that the bill and melinda gates foundation will be thought of as a shut factory? ( laughter ) it is controversial. >>un, we've made it controversial in the united states, and it doesn't need to be. in fact, 90% of americans say they find contraceptives morally acceptable. but because we've made it controversial, it's come off the global health agenda so it means 200 million women that say they want access to contraceptives, things that we use here in the united states, they don't have them. and guess what? women die if they can't space their births, if they have children too close together or they're too young when they have a child. that shouldn't happen in this day and age. ( applause ). >> stephen: well, here's one of the problems -- here's one of the problems with your initiative is that you and i are both catholics. >> yes. >> stephen: all right. how-- how can you put your soul in-- in mortal peril by going
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against the church? >> you know, i think one of the things to understand is how much we in the catholic church actually have alike. the social justice mission of the catholic church is really incredible. the way they serve the poor around the world. and so i think, you know, what the catholic church wants to do is to be able to make sure women know about lots of methods. the rhythm method is the one they actually preach in many places around the world. that's okay. that's one method. i think we should let women choose that. or choose a modern method. and as long as bee do both, i think we can continue to work together. >> stephen: what about abstinence. it's very cost effective because it costs nothing and it's not effective. so it's very follow-equal. ( laughter ). how are you going to get this done? how much money do you guys need? >> well, we're going to have a very large family planning summit in the u.k. july 11 and raise $4 billion from both donor nations and developing world nations put something skin in the game and saying this is on the agenda again. we're going to get lot of contraceptives out to families.
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>> stephen: but if this succeeds, okay, and if you got contraception to everybody and it's a roaring success, isn't there a danger that there will stop being poor people and you'll have nothing to do? ( laughter ) >> i look forward to that day. and i think one of the great things that we're finding out about aid and foreign assistance is that when you get people on a path to self-sustainability, they will lift themselves up. if you give them the right tool, they're going to be able to get on this new trajectory in life and that's why we're seeing this emerging middle class in africa. africa is completely different from when i traveled there 10 years ago. and i see the hope that's coming there and i just want to make sure we're part of giving people what they need to lift themselves up. >> stephen: okay. well, thank you so much for joining us ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for not giving money to my superpac. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: melinda gates. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
2:04 am ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. ( cheers and applause ) ( gavel raps) woman: next case, mr. dennis reynolds. that's me. yup, right here. how are ya? from october 28, 2008, to november 1, 2008, you were issued a series of parking citations totaling $1,300. who are these people? oh, uh, these people are here to corroborate my story. it's a parking violation. oh, well, i think you'll find it goes much, much deeper than that. yes, lady madam of the court, i do believe that this court will realize that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal that caused each and every one of us great physical and emotional trauma. and what is this ordeal?