tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central September 7, 2012 6:35pm-7:10pm PDT
ladies an gentlemen. tonight -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> oh, nation-- (cheers and applause) >> nation, what can i say, nation, i got to tell you, listen. folks, you, you had me at stephen, stephen. folks, tonight is the final night of the democratic national strokefest. the highlight-- the highlight tonight of course is president obama's big speech where he will accept his party's nomination for a second term. now i have not seen the speech, but i can tell you is a failure. (laughter) not because of what he said, but where he said it. jim? >> organizers have also decided that tomorrow's acceptance speech by president obama will have to
move inside, scrapping plans to hold it in a huge football stadium. >> his speech is now being moved here to this smaller arena indoors. the campaign says the possibility of storms and lightning forcing the move. >> they moved it inside because they couldn't fill the stadium, period. >> period. >> it wasn't the weather. they knew what the weather was going to be months ago. >> stephen: exactly. (laughter) >> stephen: they knew what the weather was going to be months ago. i mean anybody can go on to weather.com and check the 100 day forecast. (laughter) okay? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: looks like i'm going need my windbreaker on december 15th. now folks, the truth about this scandal, which some are calling avoiding watergate, not many but some, just me
so far-- (laughter) the truth is the democrats did not want the embarrassing optics of a half filled stadium. and nobody wants to look up and see an empty seat. just ask the republicans. (cheers and applause) folks, of course, this is not-- this is not the first time obama and the atmosphere have joined forces. radio host and human weather balloon rush limbaugh blew the lid off of this last week when hurricane isaac threatened the gop convention. >> you got a hurricane coming. the national hurricane center which is a government agency, the national hurricane center is obama. the national weather service, part of the commerce department, it's obama. >> stephen: just connect the dots, folks, okay. one, obama can make and or is a hurricane. (laughter) two, he can predict the weather months in advance.
three, i already had this finger up and i can't put it back. obama. he controls the weather. i mean we should have known, all black people can control the weather. (applause) very informative documentary, by the way. it's where i learned that bald people can implant thoughts in your mind. out of my head, carville. i don't want to picture mary matalin like that. oh, oh-- oh, she worked out. folks, speaking of mind control, bill clinton gave a speech last night scheduled for half an hour which just wrapped up a few minutes ago. (laughter) and i would add hit clinton started strong. >> we are here to nominate a
president. (cheers and applause) and i've got one in mind. >> stephen: unfortunately, barack obama defeated her four years ago. (laughter) luckily, luckily bill had another option. >> i want to nominate a man who is cool on the outside. >> (cheers and applause) but who burns for america on the inside. (cheers and applause) >> cool on the outside, burns on the inside. now at first i was excited because i thought the democrats had nominated a half microwave burrito. sadly, hispanic outreach. sadly, sadly he meant barack obama. now of course he then did his whole clinton thing. and the mainstream bubba
lovers swooned in ecstasy. >> the reason why so many of us call him the greatest politician tonight, the master, bill clinton delivered a mast ear-- masterpiece of a speech. >> i'm sitting here ungiddy this is exactly what barack obama needed. >> i'm just rubber. i'm just-- (laughter) >> stephen: wow! wow. rachel maddow has put on some weight. (laughter) i mean is there any-- help me out. is there anybody out there who can stand up to the clinton charm offensive? how about a conservative. cnn's alex casalanos. >> this convention is done this will be the moment that probably re-elected barack obama. >> stephen: shut up! (laughter) what are you doing, just because you're on cnn does not mean no one can hear you.
all right, all right. how about somebody else, one conservative pundit out there who can call clinton on his charm. what about fox news's charles krauthammer. >> i think it was a giant swing and a miss. and truey self-indulgent. >> think about how long obama was hiding behind the curtains waiting for clinton to finish? in some way it was the clinton revenge for '08. >> stephen: yes. what a blistering payback. keep the man waiting behind the curtain while you publicly shower him with compliments and praise. (laughter) the fool! the incredibly brilliant fool who will lead this country to a better day, four more years! i'll tell you folks, i'll tell you, what clinton really blew it. when he opened this can of worms. >> are we better off than we were when he took office?
since he took office is not the question. >> if there's one question on the minds of voters right now, it's this. are you better off than you were four years ago. >> are you better off than you were four years ago. >> are you better off than you were four years ago. >> stephen: yes. (laughter) we're talking about four years ago, literally. >> according to a new poll for the hill, a majority, 52% of likely voters say the nation is in worse condition now than september 2008. >> stephen: four years ago, september 6th, 2008, we were still riding high. the emergency bailout of fannie and freddie was way in the future. september 7th. almost 12 hours from now. and it was over a week before the collapse of lehman brothers. our nation, our nation had seven days of moxie left. (laughter) and remember, it was a
golden age. as far as we knew. larry king was still on the air. and all i knew of piers morgan was his delicious spice rum. i mean 2008, rather wall-e, remember single ladies, remember your pension? it was a magical time when the republican candidates could still say this. >> the fundamentals are, of our economy are strong. >> stephen: yes. the fundamentals of the economy are strong. like a power lifter. >> yeah, there it is. nice. >> stephen: the economy is resting. and folks, (cheers and applause)
and the republicans just want to take us back to that time, right bill clinton? >> they want to contact us-- even more than president bush z they want to get rid of those pesky financial regulations designed to prevent another crash and prohibit future bailouts. >> stephen: yes, mitt romney just wants to take us back to the old policies, back to the future. >> rose, where we're going we don't need roads. >> stephen: good, because in the romney-ryan budget they cut all finding for highways. (laughter) so mitt, mitt, you just keep demanding that americans answer the question. are you better off than you were four years ago. but just don't answer it yourself. because that would mean releasing more than two years of your tax return. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) [bar noises]
>> thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. now folks, you know, i may not be a huge fan, but even i have got to admit the democrats are having one hell of a great week. i mean it would take an act of god to sideline them now. has there been one of those? >> the dramatic change in the democratic convention platform is drawing fire. the word god appear those
where in the 1212 platform. >> why would the democrats remove the term god from their platform. >> tell me about the god thing, was it in there and they took it out. what happened. >> it has been in previous platforms. and it's gone now. >> stephen: what? that is unforgivable. party platforms always mention the lord, for pete's sake. the republican platform is just a picture of jess with us a thought bubble, getter done. (applause) >> stephen: here's the thing. this is an insult, not only to god-fearing americans but to god himself. folks, he's very sensitive. (laughter) and read your bible, he's got a hair trigger. one look at a golden cap and your canteen is full of blood. and of course the democrats cannot hide what they've done from god. because he googles himself constantly. (laughter)
and, and ladies and gentlemen, if dising god were not enough, the democrats also dissed god's hometown. >> four years ago the platform clearly recognized jerusalem as the perpetual capital of israel. but nowhere in this year's platform does that statement exist. >> why would they remove that jerusalem should be the capital of israel at a time of such high tensions in the middle east especially with iran. >> to cease calling jerusalem the capital of israel, this is a very troubling development. >> stephen: this is a very troubling development. (laughter) >> to committed zyonists like a sean handities and me. jerusalem or ye you werea, layim as we call it, the st eternal cap tafl the jewish state and we must stand by our jewish friends, to defend the temp el mount until the day that christ returns on a cloud of glory and all nonchristians are consumed in the apocalypse.
but really, thanks for keeping the seat warm for us. oh, oh yer usaha layim, oh, oh, oh. (cheers and applause) oh yerusahlayim where the temp el once stood where the calls still echo with the impassioned arguments of raf hillel and raf shama. where you can get a phish yalmulke. at the store next to the mikh donayes. oh that kind of itches but i will give this to the democrats. once they realize their distake, they did the right thing and humanity yated themselves on national television. here they are yesterday voting whether to add god
and jerusalem back into the platform. >> all of those delegates in favor say aye. >> aye. >> all those delegate os posed say no. >> no. >> i-- i guess-- i will do that one more time. all those delegates in favor say aye. >> aye. >> all those delegates opposed say no. >> no. >> and the opinion of the chair two-thirds the voted in the affirmive-- affirmative, the motion is adopted. >> okay. all cleaned up. because a basketball arena full of angry people
>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight, my guest tonight is one of the highest profile hispanics in american politics. oh, perfect. i love profiling hispanics. please welcome governor bill richardson. (cheers and applause) >> boom. >> thank you so much, great to have you on. thank you. sir, thank you for being here, and thank you for being hispanic. >> did i pronounce that
correctly, it's richardson m i saying that correctly. >> richardson. >> richardson. thank you-- see, a native does if properly. >> thank you. now sir, you-- the governor of new mexico, you were also a former u.s. ambassador to the u.n., former secretary of energy, a congressman, a presidential candidate. you were down at the convention, okay. what is the energy like in that room. they're just cranking up the volume, right. it's really not as exciting as it seems like, is it? >> no, steven, it really is exciting. there's dramatic, dramatic drama that-- drama going on. >> dramatic drama. is there going to be tragic tragedy or sorrowful sadness. >> yesterday, with president clinton, michelle obama, julian castro, he was the keynoter at the convention. >> the mayor of --
>> he has been on the show, sure. now let's talk about all the hispanic outreaches that's going on out there. do you guys feel particularly outreached too or-- i'm sorry, what am i doing. dow want some taco bell. would you like? because i want to make sure. >> (cheers and applause) >> you know, because you know, mitt romney is going to ask all you guys to take a run for the border. >> no i know. you know, maybe later. >> this is not -- >> maybe later. >> this is not a good way to appeal to hispanics. in the old days the tacoes, the mariachies, singing-- you know what, stephen, hispanics want to be treated like mainstream american. >> okay, but many of them are here illegally. correct. >> a small portion. >> small 12 million, that's a lot of people, man. are you one of those dream act people, dow believe in the dream act.
>> i believe in the dream act. here's what it does. >> stephen: really did -- >> here's what it does, stephen. it permits soldiers, it permits young hispanics that have come here no fault of their own, maybe illegally, a chance to get an education. that's the american dream. >> but doesn't it is a something kind of troubling, about mexicans or other hispanic people who come here that they-- that they have turned to a life of crime before they can speak. >> no, no, no. >> federal crime committed by babies. >> first of all, hispanic, you know, it's not just mexican americans, that is about 70%. cuban americans, puerto rican, spanish americans, central americans, south americans, it's a huge and beautiful melting pot. >> of queso, right z i say that correctly. now reminded me s it, what is the proper term. i hear hispanic and latino,
both. >> both are okay. >> sombrero, bro. >> no, that is not good, hispanic, latino, those are the two that cover the entire amal ga man of hispanics. >> obama is speaking as we speak right now. he's down in charlotte. what do you think he's got to say to get us to trust him again. >> what he has to say to the hispanic voter is he realized that-- realizes that civil rights, immigration, comprehensive immigration, the dream act are porn. but hispanics, latinos care like anybody else, good schools, jobs, foreign policy, defense policy. in other words, don't put us in a box. don't just appeal to us as latinos. we're americans. we want the american dream
like anybody else. do you think he changed the venue because he couldn't fill those seats or because of the weather. because they could have just distributed rain coats to people, or for hispanic outreach, maybe ponchos. >> governor richardson, bill richardson, everybody. we'll be right back. thank you very much.
>> four years ago he made us hope again. >> yes we can! >> now he wants to make us hope again again. from charlotte, north carolina, this is the democratic national convention, hoping change 2. let's get fooled again. >> jon: yeah, baby! welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. our guests tonight austan goolsbee, former economic adviser to the president now living a glorious and care-free life of decadence as a tenured college professor. barack obama, i'm assuming
has just finished his speech accepting the nomination of the democratic party and at the end of it threw down his mike and said [bleep] all y'all. that was weird! (cheers and applause) let's begin the night with night 2 of the democratic national convention where democrats are capitalized-- the passionate populism of deval patrick. the lo qua shouldness of uno e dual and michelle obama who crushed it so hard republicans were desperate to change the subject. >> republicans are now blasting the democrat's platform. >> why would they remove that jerusalem should be the capital imof israel. >> the word god was gone. the one reference before, the republicans had 12 references of god. >> how there can be an entire section on faith if you don't mention god with. what do we have faith in. >> i have faith in a god without isn't so insecure