tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central September 19, 2012 6:35pm-7:10pm PDT
[applause] >> thank you so much for watching. make sure you watch the next show when we give the balloon guy a web redemption. >> it's fair to say this is the greatest moment of my life. >> i made a friend for life. make sure you go to our website, too, where we have our final flower shop video. and now for the most unfortunate domain name of the week.
it goes to the schaeffler group and their website, fag.com. they make ball bearings. they were founded in 1905. make sure you lock up fag.com. good call. thanks for watching. we'll see you next week. [cheers & applause] >> stephen: tonight, new trouble for the romney campaign, get ready for the rafalka sex tape. (laughter) and a major legal victory for apple. but it will be replaced with a faster, slimmer legal victory in six months. (laughter) then, my guest, jeffrey toobin is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central
folks, folks, i've got to tell you, no matter-- sometimes i think the world is a dark cave, but you are always my light at the end of the tunnel. (laughter) welcome to th to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. nation, i have always hated change. that's why i'm solidly against transformers, shrinky-dinks and air caterpillars. (laughter) and don't tell me you've always felt like a butterfly trapped in a lava's body, it's unnatural. (laughter) folks, i was truly upset when i heard my favorite newspaper, the "u.s.a. today" was getting a dramatic redesign. turns out i was worrying for nothing because, in a digital era where print media is struggling, "u.s.a. today" is focusing their energy where it counts: the logo. (laughter) as publisher larry cramer wrote in the relaunch issue "our new logo will be as dynamic as the news itself."
and, ladies and gentlemen, did they deliver. prepare to feast your eyes on the "u.s.a. today's" new logo! boom! a blue circle! (laughter) there it is! serendipitously this ises a a pie chart showing the percentage of people confused by the "u.s.a. today's" new logo. (applause) kramer calls this a living logo. (laughter) the first one since they had to put down the m.g.m. lion after he ate those munchkins. (laughter) and in a the "u.s.a. today" exclusive, i learned that the "u.s.a. today's" new logo will be an info graphic that changes with the news, containing a photo or image that represents key stories of the day. like this one in the money
section, the shopping cart. right there, okay? (laughter) in the life section, this kind of round leaf right there and for sports, this red dot wearing a cowboy hat which i'm gonna say represents the sport of tomato rodeo. (laughter) i think. i don't know. but from now on, when news breaks that's circular in nature the "u.s.a. today" will be all over it, folks. whether it be about planets, tractor tires, the wheel of fortune, pizzas, bagels, pizza bagels or cee-lo green's head. (laughter) although-- (applause). although if spongebob squarepants ever chokes on a dorito at the pentagon-- (laughter).
-- you won't read about it in the "u.s.a. today." (laughter) so bravo, the "u.s.a. today" for your bold redesign where every logo in every section will be changed everyday to reflect a different news story in circular form. (laughter) until next week when we see the headline ""u.s.a. today" graphics department commits suicide." (laughter and applause) sad. sad. sad. (applause) folks, mitt romney has been dogged all week by his handling of the libya crisis. but yesterday the romney people shifted gears to change the game. >> there is a push by the romney campaign to refocus, to somehow reset. they want to really change the focus. >> stephen: well, i'm happy to say that by last night no one
was focused on libya anymore. (applause) >> mitt romney is in damage control after a magazine revealed a secret video showing him making some controversial comments about americans. >> it's now raising tough new questions for his presidential campaign. >> this tape has shaken the romney campaign to say the least. >> stephen: shaken to say the least. vomiting blood to say the most. (laughter) but still no libya. (applause) okay, that's a victory. now, folks, here's what happened. way back in may mitt spoke at a $50,000 a plate fund-raiser at the boca raton home of private equity management marc leder who is best known for throwing some wild parties including one in the hamptons last summer where guests cavorted nude in a pool and performed sex acts while scantily clad russian women danced on platforms. i believe in russian that is called pere-stroka.
(laughter) so what terrible thing did romney supposedly say? let's hear it straight from the horse-owner's mouth. (laughter) >> 47% of americans pay no income tax. therefore 47% of the people who will vote for the president no matter what? all right. 47% who are with him who are dependent upon government, who believe that they're victims, who believe government has the responsibility to care for them, who believe that they're entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. >> stephen: thank you! finally a candidate with the courage to say half of all americans are freeloaders who believe they're entitled to food. (laughter) what do they think, food grows on trees? no! (laughter) we job creators know that there is no such thick as a free lunch! lunch is $50,000 a plate! (laughter and applause) folks-- it's refreshing. it's refreshing! folks, this is not a crisis for
romney, this is a triumph! because mitt nailed it! obama supporters are nothing but lazy parasites! get a job! (laughter) folks, it's not just the welfare queens mitt's talking about. get this: the 47% who don't pay federal income tax are mostly elderly, children, and the working poor and u.s. military personnel deployed in war zones who are exempt from paying federal taxes on combat pay. see? romney mentioned the troops in a speech! (laughter) but-- but of course-- (applause). give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of course, went after mitt like a poor person going after a basic need. (laughter) so-- (laughter). so romney threw together his second hasty press conference in
one week. i believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flag mounted to his back. (laughter) and, folks, i am proud to say mitt romney stood his ground! >> you're not stepping away from anything in this video? you're not backing away from anything? and do you worry you've offended this 47% who you mentiond? >> well, you know, it's not elegantly stated, let me put it that way. i'm speaking off the cuff. but it's a message which i'm going to carry and continue to carry. >> stephen: of course, it's a message that he wants to carry. the only problem is that calling half of america mindless moochers wasn't said elegantly. (laughter) well, once again, i will fix the problem. i will now deliver mitt's core message for this time with a little more panache. (laughter)
uh-huh. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (laughter) maria! (laughter) (classical music playing) distinguished colleagues, guests, madames et monsieurs, war is think people bringing us our amuse bouche, greetings and sal you stations. what a lovely evening. i, of course, want to thank mark leder for having us to his lovely home. i hope to see you all later in the russian (bleep) pit.
(laughter) now as you know e-- as you know we are all gathered here this evening because i have agreed to accept the presidency. but unfortunately almost half-- two score and 7%-- will vote for my opponent. that socialist hotten hot. but what could one do? these people are just greedy parasites sucking on the withered teet of lady liberty. oh, how their hunger knows no bounds! winslow, bring me shrimp and the mindless masses! come on, come on. yes? here we go. thank you winslow. thank you. hold still. okay. there you go. there you go. (laughter) see how they love it? they-- they oh, it's so sad. take responsibility for your lives! come on!
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, folks, i want you to let go of your prejudices and then replace them with mine. (laughter) this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) folks, i'm an apple devoe tae, in fact, i'm thrilled to see a jury award one billion dollars to a until a patent lawsuit against samsung who shamelessly stole a proprietary apple design break through. >> if you look at the shape of the iphone, which we're all familiar with now, enough rectangular shape with roupbed
corners. apple says they patented that design. >> stephen: that's right! apple holds a patent on rectangles with rounded corners. (laughter) that's in addition to the patent they already hold on the condescending look they give people with blackberries. (laughter) which is why i'm giving a big tip of my hat to apple for cornering the market on rounded corners. (laughter) some people say this d patent system ine quint for modern technology but those people are just squares who had better have exactly equal size or they'll be hearing from apple's lawyers. (laughter) folks, this is just what the marketplace needs to spur innovation! what bold non-euclidian shapes will manufacturers be forced to come up with to avoid rounded rectangles? maybe the motorola mobius or the nokia herbar. next, folks, the publishing
industry has fallen on desperate times which, by the way, is the new name of "u.s.a. today." (laughter and applause) sadly, sadly the last two news sources i thought i could trust have shaken my faith in publishing. so tonight i'm issuing twin wags of my fingers to lif "life and style" and "us weekly." i know, the big dogs. but folks, i have to. because in the latest "us" weekly they reported "american idol" winner jordin sparks wore it best over "x fact" judge demi lovato by 91-9. that's a landslide not seen since reagan wore it better than mondale! (laughter) nation, 91-9 is a clear mandate for sparks. but then i open my subscription to "life and style" only to find out they claimed it was lovato who-- and i quote-- rocked it!
nation, if one wears it best, it logically follows they also rocked it. these so-called news organizations have betrayed the public trust. (laughter) i count on them to tell me which lady i don't know outdressed which woman i vaguely recognize from something. (laughter) america is a country of clear winners and losers. we the people demand to know who's the princess and who looked like a hunchbacked sow covered in her own filth. (laughter) so get it together, supermarket tabloids. because if your journalistic standards fall much further you might as well go work for "newsweek." (audience reacts) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
said; she said; she said; he said; he said; he said nothing. please welcome jeffrey toobin. (cheers and applause) jeffrey, good to see you again. >> great to be here. >> stephen: this is your sixth trip to "the colbert report." fair warning: this is your last appearance before you hit the guest pay wall. last freebie so let's make it good. >> stephen: . >> i'll do my best. >> stephen: you write for the "new yorker," you're a senior legal analyst for cnn and you've got a new book called "the oath: the obama white house and the supreme court." last time you were here you said the supreme court was definitely going to rule against obamacare, it was a disaster for obama. you lied to me. (laughter) it broke my heart! a heart that is now covered by
obamacare! (laughter) how did you get it so wrong? >> i just-- over-- i paid too much attention to the oral argument and not enough to what i think john roberts-- i now know was thinking about this case. >> stephen: okay, roberts. let's get into this. you get into this. roberts changed his mind, right? wharoberts was going to say one thing and then for some personal reason he changes his mind. why did he do it? >> well, in the first place, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind. >> stephen: yes there is! yes there is! antonin scalia has never changed his mind. >> that's true. but supreme court opinions are never final until they're announce sod justices sometimes go back and forth during the period they're deliberating. but in part he was just persuaded by the argument that this was a tax, a permissible tax under the constitution. but also i think he didn't want to see the court in the maelstrom of politics. he didn't want to see another bush. have gore citizens united where five republicans ruled against four democrats and in the
obamacare case he sided with the four liberals. >> stephen: kennedy is the one who normally-- >> usually. that's one reason why so-called experts like me were wrong. we were looking to kennedy as the swing vote in the obamacare case because he is so often but wasn't in that case. >> stephen: why does he get to be the swing vote so often? because he's the best justice? (laughter) is he the smartest one? >> no, it's because the others have very predictable views on most of the controversial issues and his views are more mercurial. >> stephen: what does mercurial mean? (laughter) >> mercurial means unpredictable, a little strange. >> stephen: oh, really? really? >> yes. >> stephen: that's quite a compliment. >> well, well deserved. >> stephen: well thank you very much-- on behalf of justice kennedy. (laughter) has clarence thomas spoken in this past year? >> not for six and a half years. >> stephen: really? has anyone held a mirror under his nose to see--
(laughter). like if it falls-- >> he's very much alive. he talks outside of court but not in court. >> stephen: we're very close to the first monday in october right now. >> we are. >> stephen: what are we looking at-- what are the cases? will the court rule that we can not show pictures of princess kate's boobs? (laughter) >> that's in the french courts, not the u.s. courts so i don't think so. i think the big case about affirmative action and citizens united. your big case. >> stephen: my favorite case! established super pacs. >> but i think they are going to go farther. >> stephen: go farther? what is it i can't do legally now? i run a cock fighting ring out of an orphanage. (laughter) is that not legal yet because i should talk to a lawyer. >> they are going to, i think, eventually, maybe not this year, allow direct contributions to campaigns unlimited. you have to have your super pac, which is at least fictionally separate or notionally separate. >separate. >> stephen: it is absolutely separate from something. >> soon i think you'll be able to give money directly to
candidates. the limits on how much you can give i think they may be in jeopardy and corporations may be able to give campaigns-- directly to campaigns again. >> stephen: what does another obama term look like for the supreme court? >> well, there are four justices in their 70s now. ruth ginsburg is 79. she's probably the most likely to leave if obama is reelected because, you know, she's sympathetic to him politically. >> stephen: he'll appoint like a gay polar bear or something like that? (laughter) who. >> who votes liberally, yes. but the next two oldest are justice scalia and justice kennedy who are 76 who probably don't want to leave if obama's president but they're starting to get to the age where, you know, you don't know exactly when your term is up. as they say. (laughter) i mean, the statistics are the statistics. >> stephen: i understand, it sounds kind of spooky coming out of an analyst. thank you so much for joining me, jeffrey toobin. >> my pleasure. >> jeffrey toobin, the book is