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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 12, 2012 7:00pm-7:30pm PST

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it's a special election neelt edition of the da daily show. my name is jon stewart. than exciting night here. this is the night the americans in the millions conduct some kind of real time poll. the results of which i'm sure will be contested the next day. we have some preliminary results. pennsylvania which as you know is a great state named after the great pendulum has gone most supporting barack obama.
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[crowd cheering] >> jon: the electoral vote. obviously that was a state that mitt romney at the very end made a play for, but the amish don't play that. good news from mitt romney he has won tonight making announcements right now most of the confederacy. he's the winner there. a lot of the electoral votes. michigan, 15 electoral votes it's mitt romney's, one of mitt romney's home states. most presings reporting, we're going to call that for barack obama. [crowd cheering] it's a shame that that car pulled out right by that. we've got an interesting senate race to report. there's a lot of attention on this race in massachusetts. there was a yuk ma young man nad scott brown versus a gentlewoman
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named elizabeth warren, she has won the senate race. [crowd cheering] oh. going overboard buy his own tea partyers. right now the big state we're looking at is ohio because it's really the only state we've ever been looking at. and florida is, and again we are live so i don't know if this is okay, but florida is tonight a guy i gigantic bubble. that's two close to call and ohio too close to call. we're obviously looking at cuba where cubans go to live and jews go to die. we'll be providing real time analysis. >> i'm loaded with media analysis capabilities. live monitoring results and opinion as they happen to a live stream of instan instantaneous l
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time micro blogging. >> stephen: for the lablogging. >> jon: that is just the appetizer, jon and let me demonstrate. this is a sweet right here. this is an actual real time tweet. it says i personally voted for mitt romney. so it's that single tweet is any indication, jon, get used to saying president romney because he's going to win tonight in a landslide. >> jon: that's fascinating. >> that just happened jon moments ago and i'm explaining it to you now in real time. this is only a start. the election center has full capabilities through a protest we call cross screen transferability which allows us to recontexturallize our real time info for monitorrization. jon, there's no denying that is now physically bigger, you can't
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deny that. [laughter] >> jon: it is bigger and appears to be somewhat useless. >> i'm not even done, jon. watch this. i found click, boom. okay, real time insta instagram. it doesn't even stop. i just tweak it again while simultaneously posting that image. so if you go to one of those places you can see this image, the one dwreur you'r you're seew here later somewhere else. don't tell me it's alive and kicking my friend. i will be here all night. [crowd cheering] >> jon: we've got an awful lot. we'll check back in with john oliver. the combination of a decades long battle between governor mitt romney of massachusetts and current president barack obama saying from m nairobi.
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jessica, we'll start with you default scribe the mood that obama had described in chicago. >> it's intense, jon, everyone is glued to their computers and smart phones. >> jon: checking the polling. >> no, they're second out fund raising e-mails. jon, they're down to the wire and this campaign is saying cannot make it through in the next two hours unless everybody in this country chips in $8. >> jon: it's 11:00 p.m. on election night. >> wait a minute, i'm sorry, it's $12. apparently this costs more than they anticipated. they ordered smacks for like 10,000 people but it looks like, hold on. $15. apparently biden ordered hot wings. >> jon: really. read the elf mails. > -- e-mails.>> sure. hey girls it's joe biden. can i borrow $15 you know for some hot wings. pretty standard biden form letter. >> jon: is the romney campaign still making a push for
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fund raising. >> yes, jon romney needs money. it's just a party here, okay. >> jon: they think they're going to win. >> win, lose, who cares. to the last seven years these people have been helping the squarest man on the planet run for president. no drinking, no cursing, no hook ups, no coffee. and tonight they make up for lost time. they are throwing this bash ... yes. [crowd cheering] >> jon: i'm assuming because, i'm assuming because we're live that they dropped the audio out on that. i can assure the audience at home that was all dirty words. apparently you still cannot say on television. >> that's right jon, they're not fudging around. sorry, force of habit. anyway listen, in 15 minutes
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checked the polling results and it was not. >> jon: i understand. i can't believe mitt romney is allowing a drunk ink headquarters. >> no, he passed out in a pool of his own vomit. i don't know if he will be giving a victory speak or concession speech but he will be doing it with a [bleep] on his forehead. >> jon:n: aú
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real quick, these are just some senate and house as you remember mccaskill is going up against todd akin. it looks like in missouri ma mccaskill has legit me raped todd akin. electorally speaking obviously. in indiana joe donnelly has defeated richard murdock, the republican. that is a democratic pick up. and in illinois this is interesting, tammy do you do you recollect -- duck worth has defeated joe walsh. so that's another big one. by the way you want to keep in mind the electoral college race. the first person to 270 wins the ability to bomb iran. and right now obama is at 243 and mitt romney is at 203. so keep your eye on that. [crowd cheering] donations trickling in for the
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presidential race. it's magical, thank a lot guys thanks for joining us. tonight's results, guys, what do you think. >> jon tonight's results have caused a seismic shift? what we're forecasting for the 2016 election. the real winner tonight looks to be hillary clinton who is now projecting pat 68% chance of victory -- >> [crowd cheering] >> that's up from 54% just a few hours ago. obviously premature to call the 2016 election but i think through demands we have at least examined some vice presidential options. tonight mitt romney received very little minority support. we're talking jimmy buffet concert level. so that's clearly going to have to put some coffee in that cream. wouldn't hurt to counter hillary with a woman either. some people are saying
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condaleesa rice or perhaps medea. >> no jon the character from greek tragedy who murders both of her children. that medea. >> jon: what about hillary's vice president. >> she'll need to reach older white male voters. so the two leading vp contenders are a 1962 chevy empala and a can of beer. >> jon: i understand. >> lastly in 2016 with the united states split into two territories, new real america. >> jon: wait let me guess the blue states are now the united states of oversensitivity. >> that's not funny, jon. >> jon: it's a little funny. >> no that's actually the name of the new blue state country. that's not funny, jon. >> they knew you would make fun of them. >> jon: i didn't realize that. >> 2016 once again and i know
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this sounds crazy it's going to come down 125 to ohio or as it's known in its bifurcated state is ohio and ohio. >> jon: i guess that's, the last one is the blue state gay one. >> that's not funny, jon. >> jon: from the 2016 election desk. we always hear from -- she interviews undecided voters. this year was no different. >> that's right, jon. i sat down with a group of undecided voters just hours before the polls opened. last night, the night before the election with just eight hours until the polls opened, i sat down with some of these undecided morons to help them make up their minds. every debate i have to sit there and watch people like you middle with their [bleep] dials on your [bleep] happy meters at focus groups on cnet.
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i am sick of it, obama or romney. i just want to weigh up the issues. obama or romney. still thinking. obama or romney. still not sure. every election these undecided voters wait until the very last -- wait a second were these the same. oh, my, god. the same people from before? really? again. after all these years. >> because we're thinkers. we're thinkers. >> okay. you are going to decide tonight. nobody's getting out of here if they don't make a decision. nobody. >> can i go to the bathroom first. >> jaw meal, are you did you de. clearly i wasn't getting through to them. clearly i'm no expert so i sat down with sh shina. >>y been studying choice and the
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waive we make choices in our life. >> how do you decide who you're going to be rooting for in this election? >> i did feel that this is not an easy choice. >> oh no, no, no, no. >> jon: the choice lady. the choice lady couldn't choose. >> that's right. >> jon: what did you do. >> you know me, jon i'm kind of known around the office as a problem solver full of ingenuity and whatnot, so i took care of business. give me one good reason why i shouldn't take my shoe off my foot and beat every single one of you to death with my high heel. >> election isn't yet so i have a little time i think. >> i'm going to solve this problem once and for all. you're never going to see your girlfriend again until you decide right now romney or obama. >> that is not my girlfriend. >> oh, okay. who does this woman belong to?
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>> excuse me, i have to go make a phone call immediately. >> good luck, america. you're going to need it. >> jon: very nice. [crowd cheering] - [ background chatter ] - ♪ [ harp notes ]
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- i see a little silhouetto of a man. - scaramouche. scaramouche. will you do the fandango? oh. thunderbolt and lightning-- very, very frightening me. - galileo. - galileo. - galileo? - figaro.
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easy come, easy go. will you let me go? - bismillah, no. - [ together ] we will not let you go. - let me go. - we will not let you go! [ high operatic voice ] ♪ let me go ♪ [ rock ] i've ggt a few results to share. i can give you a broader overview on things right now as things progress here.
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projected to stay within the control of the republican party. the senate is projected to remain in control of the democratic party. and the presidency is projected to remain in control of the democratic party. we re projecting barack ooama ii the president of the united states. [cheers and applause] >> jon: so once again, let me just very quickly announce this. house of representatives, republicans, senate democratss presidency barack obama. two years, $3 billion and we are clearly in the same [bleep] we were when it started. it seems an appropriate time as a special treat to bring out our next guest. we're honored to welcome for the first time on the daily show the first ever president of the united states, holographic
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george washington. >> i trust all of yyu are enjoying your day off from your dailyybread. >> jon: mr. president we don't get the day off for election day. >> how do you have time for reflection on it. >> jon: well things have been going on for quite a while now and both parties have had -- >> have you a two paaty system. jefferson -- the people are politicking at best in national discooed is worse. as i saii in my farrwell address. charles can we role back. >> the nomination of one faction over another, shopping by revenge is itself is, now gaze upon this masterful drive.
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mr. mulligan, another ball. >> jon: you did that on a golf course. how did you get that on video. >> please jon let's not get upset over trivial details. you should have heeded myings. tell me more about this contest squire. as you do, so i will sip this -pgraglass of president. >> jon: our first black president ran for re-election against our first mormon. >> a slave president running against what did you just call him, a merman.% he can't breathe under water let alone lead a nation. >> jon: it's different, it's, never mind. anyway it's been a really ugly election this year mostly negative campaigning, half the country hates the other half. >> i all feared this country
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will have a civil war, i'm just glad it took this long. >> jon: sure, that's how long it took. >> well at leasttthe political process i bequeath to this natton to retain it's nobility and ... >> jon: right. >> and my image to reign supreme. >> jon: that would be ben franklin. >> i can't believe i even agreed to the hologram. washington out. >> jon: i'm so sorry. hologram george washington, everybody. we'll be right back. p@2?
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[crowd cheering] do you want the -- [crowd cheering] tim kaine is the new senator from virginia. he has defeat george allen. senate race too close to doll and patrick murphy and alan west in florida 96% of the precincts reporting. 50% for mr. murphy, 50% for
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allen they are ooing a house race in florida. junkies, ladies and gentlemen. by the way, not political junkies, junkies. [laughter] so that's it. the house remains in the republican control, the senate is in democratic control barack obama is still the president. let's hope that these past four years of obstruction and difficulty, the fever has broken. even though the players remain the same perhaps the fever has broken and as chris christie and the president learned in new jersey when we forget the party bickering and political [bleep] we can accomplish certain things even for people who have lost their houses. it's a remarkable lesson for all of us. that is all for our show tonight. join us again tomorrow at our regularly scheduled non-live taping. i might even shave and shower. [laughter] right now we're going to go to
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stephen co-bea colbert at the ct report. >> don't tell me anything, jon, no spoilers, please. >> jon: haven't you been watching the news. >> not at all. i can't go into my show knowing anything about what my show is about. [laughter] i answer every show like a newborn baby. clean slate, no preconceptions. semi blind and covered in placenta and goo crying uncontrollably waiting to be spanked by life. >> jon: what are you wearing when this is happening, a diaper? i don't understand. >> well, yorling i don't undersu either. [laughter] >> jon: thank you for that, stephen. have yourself a wonderful election night. >> it's election night, why did you tell me. i said no spoilers. this is the colbert report. >> jon: is that a spoiler alert. can i tell you who is the
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vampire. vampire the wear wolf. >> vampire. once again it's the colbert captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> the re-presidenting of america. ( laughter )
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( laughter ) ( laughter ) who will replace obama? ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering )


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