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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 25, 2013 1:30am-2:00am PST

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>> jon: hey, that's our show. join us monday at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> to give americans the things they need to make sound financial choices and protect
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0 captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] ies and gentlemen. righ hank you so much,vybody. [cheers and applause] folks, please -- welcome -- welcome, ladies and gentlemen, in here out there to tonight's
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information uplink. thank you for joining us, folks. folks, when i'm right, i'm right. and when i'm wrong, i'm often right, too. but when i'm wrong and i'm wrong, i'm big enough to change my opinion. [ laughter ] case in point, i'm no fan of the french. [ laughter ] yeah, they gave us that statue, but it turned green as soon as we put it up. [ laughter ] and i don't have to tell you what a money pit louisiana's turned out to be. jefferson should have gotten a gift receipt for that thing. [ laughter ] i have always seen the french as truffle-huffing surrender monkeys. [ laughter ] but it turns out they're actually truffle-huffing surrender monkeys with family values. jim? >> hundreds of thousands of people opposing same sex marriage rallied on the streets of paris today. france's president is pushing a plan to legalize same-sex marriage and adoptions.
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♪ ♪ mama mia >> stephen: just to be clear, in france the people with the pink signs dancing to abba are the anti-gay protesters. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] when it comes to the sanctity of marriage, it turns out the french are just like us! they know that it's adam and eve not adam and yves. [ laughter ] the french know that god ordained marriage to be between one man and one woman and that man's mistress, who is also the woman's mistress. [ laughter ] but it'sy tasteful. [ laughter ] but it's not just their opposition to gay on terror. jim? >> in li, france stepped up military moves to stop islamic fighters tied to al qaeda.
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>> france this week dispatched 2500 troops and commenced air strikes. >> the u.s. is very pleased that france is doing this, i think to a degree surprised. >> stephen: mais oui, to a degree surprised the us is. [ laughter ] up until now, the only thing that got the french angry enough to fight was serving a bordelaise sauce with fish. [ laughter ] france is putting the hurt to al qaeda in mali! with planes, troops and its most sophisticated helicopter gunship which, in france, means a gunship that fires missiles at itself in a dadaist commentary on the cruel farce that is war. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] this bold -- bold military action even surprised the french, whose president, francois hollande, is perceived as so indecisive and weak, he's earned the nickname "flanby," after a wobbly gelatin dessert.
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oh, burn! [cheers and applause] or as the french say, brulee! [ laughter ] interestingly, one of the reasons that hollande is so unpopular in the first place is that he's the one pushing the gay marriage initiative. but as one paper put it "mali could transform hollande's political image." their wars make their leaders look tough, just like ours do! [ laughter ] france just needs "their" own france to call pussies-- i'm gonna say belgium. [ laughter ] come on, belgium. bunch of chocolate-slurping, mayonaise-dipping antwerps, who need to brussels sprout a pair! [ laughter ] france, those are all free. [ laughter ] and it's working for hollande with his mali intervention backed by 75% of the french, a shocking number, since french
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people normally can't agree on anything. that's why the scaffolding for the eiffel tower's been up so long. they can't decide what to build! [cheers and applause] well it is about time! about damn time the french are finally joining the war on terrorment they're gonna get in there, kick some al qaeda butt, and get out-- maybe someday. >> if you substitute afghanistan for mali, it sounds a heck of a lot like the united states' objective in afghanistan. >> in north mali you have islamic extremists, you have al qaeda, you have drug traffickers. this could become another afghanistan. >> this could be the next afghanistan. >> stephen: yes, the parallels are obvious. it's just like afghanistan, in that i don't know where mali is. [ laughter ] and the best part about this next afghanistan is that it won't be ours! the usa is nowhere near this thing. >> the us now today officially involved in the fight being
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waged by france in mali. >> us cargo jets have flown at least five missions in mali this week. >> stephen: sacre bleu! [ laughter ] so is france about to get themselves into an american-style quagmire, or is america about to get itself in a french style menage-a-quag? here to tell me is the director of the institute of french studies at nyu, edward berenson. thank you so much for join us -- joining us. okay. first of all, who or what is mali? and why do the french care? >> mali is what. >> stephen: okay, good. >> it's in northwest africa. it's a big. >> stephen: how big compared to france? >> up there.
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it's big. it's big. >> stephen: thank you for your -- [ laughter ] thank you for your precision. why does france care about mali? >> here is why france cares. mali say former colony of france. right? >> stephen: okay. wait, they had colonies? >> they had a ton of colonies. >> stephen: really? there were countries that surrendered to france? [ laughter ] >> and for many decades. >> stephen: no longer colonies. >> no longer a colonies. the french gave up the colonies around 1960 but kept them on a longer or shorter leash depending on which country and how much stuff they had. mali is in the middle of a part of africa where there's natural resources, tons of oil offshore. a lot of that oil gets dealt to the french on good terms. algeria is a place where there's all kinds of stuff the french want and get. >> stephen: is this al qaeda in there? >> it's al qaeda. >> stephen: there a guy like
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bin laden? is there a name i have to peoplerrize again? >> not yet and i hope there won't be any. >> stephen: my abu and bin this and bin that bin is kind of full right now. [ laughter ] >> think of these groups is a combination of mexican drug organization and islamic terrorist group. how many names of mexican drug lords do you know? not that many but you know they do bad things. you have narco terrorism in a way. in mali it's a bad thing. >> stephen: this is going turn into an afghanistan for france or like a vietnam situation where you go in and you are stuck there? >> it could. but the french have, in the past decade, gone to other parts of west africa briefly and gotten out quickly. they went to the ivory coast in 2002 and 2011.
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they went in and got out. >> stephen: how come i didn't know they kicked ass and take names? i know about the freedom fries. >>? they know what is in their backyard and what isn't. they didn't think iraq is in their backyard but north africa is definitely their backyard and they are willing to go there. >> stephen: how do you say in french i'm sorry france, i didn't know you were bad ass. >> [speaking french] >> stephen: what he said. thank you so much for joining h,i(ñq .papaá(jzpb%pjpjpj
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, -- thank you so much. [cheers and applause] i have to take a minute right now to talk about the big story tonight: my anger and disappointment. [ laughter ] it's been four months since the terror attack on our embassy in benghazi, libya. and every day since, the american people on fox news have demanded that the american people demand answers. [ laughter ] well, yesterday we finally had their chance to hold hillary clinton's feet to the car on fire. [ laughter ] and at hearings in the senate and the house intellegence committtees, congressional republicans proved definitively that they suck at their jobs. [ laughter ]
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>> the senators and the congress people who were interviewing her didn't drill down on these questions. >> there's no sequential follow-ups, half of the members are just making speeches. >> this was to be in the eyes of so many people the big moment, and these congressional interrogators did what they so often do: they blew it. >> the republicans looked like weenies. >> stephen: yes, weenies! [ laughter ] pink, plump and with just little bit of sphincter. [ laughter ] guys, you know i love you, but it was embarrassing, especially wisconsin senator ron johnson. jim, roll the footage of hillary stomping ron's johnson. >> no, again, we were misled that there were supposedly protests and that something sprang out of that-- an assault sprang out of that-- and that was easily ascertained that was not the fact, and the american people could have known that within days and they didn't know that. >> with all due respect, the fact is we had four dead americans.
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was it because of a protest or was it because of guys out for a walk one night who decided that they'd they go kill some americans? what difference at this point does it make? it is from my perspective less important today looking backwards as to why these militants decided they did it than to find them and bring them to justice, and then maybe we will figure out what was going on in the meantime. >> okay, thank you madame secretary. >> stephen: "thank you madame secretary?" [ laughter ] she just spanked you, ron! i don't understand. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] unless "thank you madam secretary" your safe word? [ laughter ] and it's not just that she got emotional, slapped them around, and walked out with their nuts in her attache case.
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[ laughter ] it's that they say that anger was all made up. >> it was theatrics. again, she didn't want to answer the question so she makes a big show of it. >> she lost her cool at one point which is part of the script. >> this has been going on for four months, she's had a chance to rehearse. >> this anger, this outrage, i can tell you was not spontaneous. >> stephen: now don't get me wrong, these guys know something about faking emotions-- they do it every day. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] and i respect them for it. but in this case i'm not buying first it makes the republicans look weaker. now they lost to something that wasn't even real. if hillary could fake that kind of anger, that's saying that every woman i've ever enraged might have been faking it. i don't think so, fellas. i've infuriated my share of the ladies over the years and let me tell you, i get them there,
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okay? [ laughter ] they always seem pretty worked up. i can tell when it's real, i mean, they're screaming the whole time. i've even had neighbors comai not to brag, but i've ken some women to a place that wasn't even human. that i don't have to take that to the internet but the like average teenager stuff i have a nice place and community. >> stephen: do you go to school? >> yeah. >> stephen: what are you taking? >> english. >> stephen: what is the book you had to read this year? what are you working on now? >> a poetry unit. >> stephen: what are you reading? >> robert frost. >> stephen: do you have a favorite frost poem? >> when i get to it, ah? [ laughter ] >> stephen: nice. i did just blow your english grade right now? >> my teacher is watching this, too. >> stephen: say two roads
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diverged in the woods. >> yeah, right the famous one. >> stephen: the good one. your magazine has positive images and messages for girls. if girls feel good about themselves, how are we going to sell them things they they don't need? you understand how it works? >> yeah, i know. >> stephen: how do you deal with those pressures because girls are sold things they don't need. >> i do feel obligated to a lot of training bra companies. >> stephen: is that one of your major sponsors? >> yes, yeah, no a major sponsor. >> stephen: we don't have those on my show. can we get to serious business for a second? >> yeah, okay. >> stephen: a lot of celebrities, you know, get asked to write for rookie. >> yeah. >> stephen: what is that? they must be happy when you ask them. i bet they are really happy, that would be cool. >> would you like to? >> stephen: what?
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[cheers and applause] maybe. i don't know. i mean seriously -- this is sudden. [ laughter ] i was thinking of writing a column from the point of view of a 48-year-old dad. >> great. >> stephen: and it's called you're not wearing that. all right? and girls would send in photos of what they thought was okay to wear and i would take color forms and put new clothes on them and say this is what you are wear, what do you think? >> fine, i'll take it. >> stephen: that is called synergy. what do you think about my look? >> fine. >> stephen: because i don't think i could do the bangs. we got direction of the different basic looks i could rock, okay? >> true. >> stephen: let's take a look at the different looks. this is tortured artist.
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this is the tortured artist. >> stephen: and ladies go for the tortured artist. >> i think so. i'm told. yeah. >> stephen: another one, jim. what is this? >> there were really great photos of the members of one direction modeling puppies if you carried a puppy and had boy band hair that would. >> stephen: that would be good for a 48-year-old pair shaped man. what is this. >> like a cool dad thing. >> stephen: the cool dad. >> yeah. >> stephen: those words don't go together. >> you'd be surprised your show is very good cool. i watched it with my dad last night and he's like a cool dad. >> stephen: i am by reflection because you watched it with your cool dad --
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>> i mean other capital c, capital d cool dads like your show. >> stephen: tavi thank you. good luck in whatever next thing i conquer. the book is rookie


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