tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central February 27, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PST
inmate faces trial. or has a birthday party. not sure, it was redacted. then, john kerry is the new secretary of state. or the pressure has really taken a toll on hillary clinton. [laughter] and my guest paola antonelli is a curator at the museum of modern art. i'll ask her to exit through the gift shop. [laughter] it's chuck hagel's first day as secretary of defense. tomorrow we start the two-month confirmation process for his second day of work. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause]
[crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. please, sit down. [cheers and applause] folks, we have to do the show. [cheers and applause] folks -- [cheers and applause] if you watch this program, and i certainly hope that you do, you know that if nothing else i'm a company man. and i could not be prouder that this show is a profitmaking tsunami for my parent company viacom. [laughter] make no mistake, i am the reason ceo philippe daumann can afford his daily saffron and rosewater scrotum dips. [laughter] fresh as a daisy, sir. fresh as a daisy. [ laughter ] so when corporate calls and says, "steveo we need a sponsor
integration for halls mentholyptus on your show tonight," i say, "am i contractually obligated to?" they say, "yes." i say, "then i love it." [laughter] of course, i have to protect my reputation as a newsman. i can't be selling my name to the highest bidder. so instead i'm selling my intern's name. halls, get out here! [cheers and applause] so, how does it feel to be america's number-one cough drop, halls? >> my name is jay. >> stephen: not anymore. [laughter] okay, i've already filed paperwork to legally change it. >> so my legal name is halls mentholyptus? >> stephen: well, technically, it's halls mentholyptus with triple soothing action presents jay the intern. [laughter]
>> does this mean i get paid now? >> stephen: absolutely-- you're getting paid in an intense, upward cooling of the nasal passages that you can feel when you take a breath. >> do i get health care? >> stephen: what do you think this is? that's right. [cheers and applause] okay. now say it. >> i don't want to. >> stephen: say it! >> let the cool in. [laughter] >> stephen: what's that, halls? >> let the cool in. [laughter] >> stephen: yeah, let it in. [laughter] that wasn't so hard, was it? halls mentholyptus with triple soothing action presents jay the intern, everbody! [cheers and applause]
folks, we're still fighting the war on terror-- by the way, naming rights still available. call me velveeta. [laughter] and the war on terror just turned 12 years old, which explains why it's so into controlled planes. [laughter] -- into remote controlled planes. [ laughter ] but my favorite thing about our endless borderless war against an emotional state is our prison at guantanamo bay. even though many have wanted to see gitmo closed, including president obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. it's the radio shack of the war on terror. [laughter] if you follow the news closely, you are probably unaware that gitmo is currently hosting the trial of 9-11 mastermind khalid sheik mohammed. for godsake, khalid, you're appearing in court-- comb your shoulders! [laughter]
now one reason you may not have heard about it is that not the easiest trial to cover. first, because it's not really a trial. it's a one-of-a-kind military tribunal designed by president bush, implemented by president obama, and inspired by president kafka. [laughter] see, reporters are not allowed in the courtroom. they have to watch the trial from behind soundproofed glass and hear the proceedings on a 40-second delay. and to protect national security, the judge or a security officer in the courtroom can hit a mute button which shuts off the audio to the reporters and indicates this by making a red light on the judge's bench spin. the red light also indicates that all dress shirts and men's slacks are 20% off. but on january 29th, the red light turned on and cut the audio, but-- and this is the fun part-- neither the judge, nor the security officer had
done it, causing the livid and confused judge to say, quote "note for the record, that the 40-second delay was initiated not by me. if some external body is turning things off, if someone is turning the commissions off under their own view of what things ought to be, with no reason or explanation, then we are going to have a little meeting about who turns that light on or off." [laughter] [cheers and applause] and while you're at it, find out who put the dimmer switch on habeus corpus. [laughter] now, the government's prosecutor said she could explain who was doing it but not in open session. ooo! oo! i think i know! can i solve the puzzle?! let's see ahuum.
well, whoever's doing it, it's got the defense lawyers worried that someone "might be listening to private communications between them and their clients at the defense table. c'mon, i realize these military tribunals are a little unconventional-- in that they may not be covered under the geneva conventions-- but it's paranoid to imagine that the government is eavesdropping on you at the defense table. they're eavesdropping on your attorney-client meeting rooms. [laughter] hey, they say justice is blind, but they never said she's deaf. [laughter] [cheers and applause] okay, so the whole thing's being spied on and controlled by unseen forces. big deal. it's just like "survivor," except in this case, no one gets voted off the island. but folks, i can understand that for many this trial has lost its legitimacy.
so i say we do the ethical thing and let the detainees go free. then hunt them down with flying death bots. [laughter] here to shed light on what's going on at gitmo until his mic is cut by unseen forces is former acting solicitor general of the united states and lead counsel for the gitmo detainees in hamdan v. rumsfeld neal katyal. neal good to see you again. thanks for coming on. [cheers and applause] all right. first of all, watch what you say, i have a feeling that there are cameras and microphones pointed at us. do we know what is going on down at gitmo? what is controlling the switch now? >> we don't. we don't know who is controlling the switch. the judge didn't know. that was the most amazing. >> stephen: seemed to come as a surprise to him. >> yes. >> stephen: it's a military judge and they said they have no
idea where the microphones are coming from. >> it's outrageous. it reminds me. the only precedent for it is the soviet constitution or iranian constitution. >> stephen: we're nothing like the old soviet union. we don't have gulags in sigh beera. we have gulags in he is stonea. [ laughter ] is it ultimately such a bad thing. these guys are guilty. [ laughter ] do you not believe ksm is guilty? >> i believe he is likely guilty and that's what trials are all about. >> stephen: the thing with trials is sometimes people are found innocent. that's the one flaw with our justice system, i believe. [ laughter ] the. >> the beautive trial system is that it gives leg matcy and it says this prosecution made a lot of sense. they are like baseball and steroids. at this point even if the
prosecutors hit it out of the park there's an the as terrific saying wait there were secret mike phones and. >> stephen: it's an exciting game. maybe you sell a lot of memorabilia. what do you think they are hiding with the kill switch? >> heaven knows. a lot of time it's not protecting security it's protecting people's reputations or other things. it's not a national security thing. one time a detainee wrote to his attorney and the government classified it for two months and all it said was lebron james should apologize to the citizens of cleveland for move together miami heavment it it took two months to declassify that. >> stephen: why are we not hearing about this trial? this is the trial of century, definite it will the war of century and this is the guy when
started. >> these are the people accused in the worst crimes in the world. >> steve: what happens with gitmo from now on. 150, 160 guys you. is it stand out prison. are they there foamp now? >> the government has tried seven people in 11.5 years and even those convictions have mostly been reversed. so it looks like those people will stay and not be tried which is the real injustice. the victims of 9/11 zervet trials and real trials and beef never been able to pull it off. >> stephen: is it just going to turn into a terrorist retirement snoam. >> looks like -- >> stephen: it's a beautiful location. >> it is. thage ghanas are very nice d the iguanaas are very nice. >phphphphphphph>> stephen: welc,
everybody. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] nation -- thank you. [cheers and applause] earlier this month john kerry was sworn in as secretary of state, an announcement that was met with a resounding, "yeah, okay." [laughter] and on sunday, he embarked on a ten-day, nine-nation marathon that i was surprised to see did not include his homeland of easter island. [laughter] but in germany, i was proud to see he made the case for american greatness. >> people have sometimes wondered about why our supreme court allows one group or another to march in a parade even though it's the most provocative thing in the world and they carry signs that are an insult to one group or another. the reason is, that's freedom.
freedom of speech. in america you have a right to be stupid. [laughter] >> stephen: yes. [cheers and applause] yes. in this country we're endowed. with the inalienable right to be stupid. it's right there in the constitution between the penis doodle and the ranch dressing stain. [laughter] [cheers and applause] and john kerry doesn't just talk the dumb talk, he walks the dumb walk. because here's what he said last week. >> the brave employees of state in usaid the diplomatic security personnel who protect the civilians serving as overseas work in some of the most dangerous places on earth. they support democratic
institutions in kyrgyzikstan in georgia. >> stephen: yes, kyrgyzikstan. kyrgyzikstan: it does not exist. kerry was actually referring to kyrgyzstan and accidentally mixed it up with its neighbor kazakhstan. i mean, kyr-zakh-stan? course, he's gotten some ribbing in the press for making up a new country. and it's well deserved. i mean, how could anyone ever confuse kazakhstan with its neighbor kyrgyzstan? [laughter] sure, both countries enjoy fermented horse milk, and they both sleep in yak-hide yurts-- [laughter] but everybody knows in kyrgyzstan, they play a fretless stringed instrument called the qomuz which is nothing like kazakhstan's dombra, also a fretless stringed instrument, [laughter] but with a slightly thinner neck. [laughter] and what are you going to do, kerry? go to downtown bishkek and try to use a bunch of tenge to buy a new kalpak? [laughter]
not without first exchanging it into soums. you're not! what a maroon! quit embarrassing yourself, kerry. like bai, the imperious rich man of khazakh folklore who was tricked into trading his warm coat for one full of holes by the beguiling aldar kose. am i right? [cheers and applause] i mean, what an idiot. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. guestmy guestonon
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has curated a new exhibition at moma that includes 14 video games. i saw a very similar exhibition at chuck e. cheese. please welcome paola antonelli! [cheers and applause] thanks so much for coming on. ciao. how are you? >> i'm fine, how are you? >> stephen: good. >> i'm good. >> stephen: the latest exhibition at moma is called applied design. >> indeed. >> stephen: tell people what it showcases. >> objects from the collection of moma in the 80s to talk
about applied design. design is so many things. >> stephen: what is applied design? >> the idea is that in the future design will go the way of physics. we'll have theoretical design. it will be interfaces, biodesign visual areasation. >> stephen: that's in the future. >> it's in the present. in the future even more so. >> stephen: where are we now? modern? post modern or prefuture? >> >> we're posttraumatic stress disorder post modern, present, prefuture but a little bit of future today with history that comes with us. >> stephen: wow. it's a complicated artistic time to live in. >> no, no it's very, very easy. they told me when i came here be yourself, be in the moment and that's how you are. >> stephen: i should be myself. >> be yourself, be in the moment. you'll be modern. [laughter] >> stephen: is that design? >> oh, yes, it is.
could be better but it's design. >> stephen: okay. okay. now what is left to design though? because we've got two different sizes of ipad, aren't we done? >> pretty much so. i agree with you. we could have a third size and a few more. the idea is to make the ipad disappear. >> stephen: what? what will i show the people who don't have one? >> you show your retina. >> stephen: like the google glass that thing. >> and beyond without the glasses either. it's to make everything disappear so you can be in things, in the interfaces. >> stephen: go to this one here. explain to the people what we have? >> this is a designer that decided to have 40,000 bees make a buzz. we talk about rapid prototyping these days. there's robots that make objects out of residentin.
this is scaffold in the shape of with honey on top and you let 40,000 bees go wild and in a week they make this. >> stephen: is that more or less expensive than having chinese people do this? >> that's a good question. it's a good question. >> stephen: moving on. what is this? this looks like a child's toy. >> it's a child's toy made to an adult object. to this is an afghani designer r that studied in the netherlands. he grew up in war torn afghanistan in a place with land mines. with his brother and friends they would make wind powered toys that would roll and end up in the mine fields. a few years later after his mother smuggled him out of afghanistan he landed in the netherlands and studied design. he designed this object