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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  April 30, 2013 9:00am-9:31am PDT

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily showthe"dailymy nameis j. we have a good show tonight. from "mad men, "mad men" jon hae joining us on the program. he's kosher for paps over, that man. let me say this-- let's begin
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tonight with the u.s. congress. we all know that if you look up "congress" in the dictionary, it says, "do not ( bleep ) tarreds who couldn't solve the problem if it was eating them alive anus first ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ) hold on. i should mention i only use urban dictionaries. but it is why the detrimental effects of the sequester, the painful across-the-board budget cuts that are wreaking havoc on federal services, seem like they're here to stay. extended unemployment benefits are running out in western massachusetts. head start programs are closing early in rhode island. jobless california workers are forgoing $1.2 billion each week. seniors in maine are going without meals on wheels, which, by the way, seems like a cool program to begin with. i don't understand. ( laughter )
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( applause ) he's hungry! he's so-- there goes my-- my pie. ( laughter ) that's yet news from congress last week was so surprising and so welcome. >> democrats and republicans came together late last night. >> in order to reduce the impact of the sequester. >> jon: praise it be our esteemed leader! what bold legislative action have they undertaken to ease america's burden? >> both houses of congress moved quickly to give the federal aviation administration more flexibility in cutting their budget, allowing them to bring back air traffic controller staffing to 100%. >> jon: oh, that's very interesting. ( laughter ) certainly, very helpful. why, per chance, that part of the sequester? >> a few hours after voting, members left capitol hill and headed to the airport for a
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week-long recess. >> jon: oh, right! ( applause ) oh, right! because-- ( cheers and applause ) it's the problem from the sequester that affects them. ( laughter ) they don't care about meals on wheels unless it's rolling down an aisle. here's the best part-- how fast they can get something done are when it affects them. >> they passed the bill that was crafted so quickly, parts of it were handwritten. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: leaks, i take you to legislation theater. ( laughter ) open on the house floor. what time does your plane take off? "8:00." i tonight know why they have the same voice. i apologize for that. hold on. ( laughter ) ( applause ) doesn't matter.
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"8:00? you better leave now. the lines are very long." "why?" "you remember when we indiscriminately cut federal funding across the board because we thought that would force us to find a resolution to our budget impasse." "oh, yeah, yeah." what do you mean by long lines at the airport?" "yeah, it's going to be a long time." "( bleep ), give me a pen." done! "now let's go home." that's all i've got. ( applause ) the play somewhat fell apart in the second act. ( laughter ) by the way, i'm not sure why handwriting the bill gets it done faster. what's the problem, if you give congress computers do they just spend all their time on porn sites procrasturbating, using masturbation to octer wise occupy yourself. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we have an audience filled with
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procrasturbaters. i guess we're lucky they're here. ( laughter ) well, hopefully congress is at least slightly embarrassed by this exercise in self-interest. >> i'm delighted that the senate has just passed a bipartisan bill to resolve a serious problem confronting the american traveling public and our economy, and it's nice to know that when we work together we really can solve problems. >> jon: yeah, how nice for you. ( laughter ) i think i have a new word for the urban dictionary-- congrats baiting. creating a problem that affects millions of people, and praising ones for fixing the small part of the problem that affects you, and then masturbating. the best part of this story, the hearing congress held demanding answers aboutñr airline delays
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from f.a.a. director michael huerta. >> we've got a lot of questions for you this morning. the first one is going to be how come you didn't tell us about this beforehand, the sequester impact on the layoffs, furloughs? not a word. not a breath. you didn't forwarn us that this was coming. >> jon: we won't ever get old and we won't ever die. ( laughter ) that's congressman hal rogers the head of the house appropriations will committee, the committee that oversees all federal expenditures, asking why they were never toldçó that the sequester, the cutting of said expenditures, would impact air travel. and he's got a point. why didn't anyone mention that? role montage of everyone mentioning that. >> no sequester deal in sight. the white house says air travel guilty haywire. >> federal spending cuts threaten delays in air travel. >> you're going to see lines at the airports. you're going to see furloughs. >> fewer flights and delays of up to 90 minutes or more. >> some flights are going to be
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canceled. towers shut down for period of times to deal with these budget cuts. ( laughter ) >> jon: what do they mean by that? ( laughter ) okay, fine. but we never heard that from... the secretary of transportation. roll footage of the secretary of trors. >> well, look, when it comes to transportation, we have to cut $1 billion, $600 million from f.a.a., and that's why we've announced there's going to be a slowdown and delays in flights. we're going to have to furlough air traffic controllers. ( laughter ) >> jon: adding how loud do i have to ( bleep ) say it? ( laughter ) ( applause ) look, you know,. ( cheers ) -- what-- this is kind of fun. watch congressman rogers confront with the fact that he was forwarned. watch him asimulate this new information and still find a way toue it against his opponent using some kind of dick-jitsue
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move. >> we have been talking about reduction in available controller hours of 10% for months. >> but you didn't tell them which airports, which airlines. >> we told them that they should expect significant impacts at major hub facilities. >> well, la-ti-da. everyone knew that. >> jon: "la-ti-da." "i mean, i mean, major airport hub could be-- could be anything. i don't know." ( laughter ) ( applause ) "i mean, ( bleep ) me twice with a bullfrog." ( applause ) that guy there, that guy there, that's the reason peanut butter jars have to say, "manufactured in a facility thatñi may process peanuts." ( laughter ) meanwhile, did you know that the sequester was also affecting non-congressional people's lives?
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yeah. >> flight delays aside, pundits have it made it clear the sequester has been a whole lot of noct. >> the sequester turned out tie a no-quester. >> it's way overblown. >> nothing really bad has happened. >> but not everyone has gotten the memo. >> there will be no happy ending. >> mr. frowny pants joel berg of the new york city coalition against hunger. >> the whole reason the sequestration hasn't gotten more media coverage is because it's affecting poor people most. >> so nobody's really been affected. >> tens of millions of americans have already been affected. it's a shame on the nation. >> soñr it'sñi all overblown th. >> al already, there's bye-bye a $5.1 million cut nationwide in soup and money going to soup kitchens. >> soup cches, come oeverybody knows -- >> the sequester say joke. >> it's so funny, even the soup kitchens are lawflg. >> we serve 1,000 people a day or more, cut almost $200,000 every year for the next four years. we've had to cut back on some
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things we serve. ( laughter ) for some people, it's the only food they're going to receive for 24 hours. ( laughter ) >> i guess another way to say that is-- >is--. >> no soup for you! >> this is a manufacturing crisis that-- that the president is trying to make out. >> just ask dr. versaka, of north shore hematology, oncology associates. >> the sequester cuts have made it too costly for us to treat up to 5,000 patients here in the clinic. >> see, that that's funny. >> unfortunately, the big picture is this will actually cost the taxpayer around $1.6 billion by shifting care. >> it's not like you're curing cancer, right? >> as a matter of fact we are. >> right, so that's bad then. >> just when the sequester was about to get me down, i found an actual success story in the
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southern ohio public defender's office. >> well, i haven't had to fire any employees. >> that's terrific. that's a success story. >> just selected myself for termination. >> what? >> i fired myself. >> that's stupid! >> it's the only option i had because of sequestration. >> and it had nothing to do with the fact that the guy you fired was ( bleep ) your wife. ( laughter ) ( applause ) he gets it. to celebrate, we went to refçó reverend chawmer's soup kitchen, the one place steve could now afford to eat, thanks to the
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>> jon: what do you call it there, terrorism-- everybody got quiet real fast. it's been in the news a lot lately with the terrible, terrible boston bombings and their aftermath but there has been another threat unfolding. >> letters sent to both president obama and the united states senator tested positive for the deadly poison ricin. >> jon: i am shocked that people still mail letters. ( laughter ) i thought it was all about cyber terrorism now. for the latest developments in the ricin investigation can be summed up with what is possiblyó my favorite sentence ever a
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possible deadly terrorist incident. >> they've switched their focus from an elvis impersonator to a karate instructor. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> jon: you know, in today's fast-paced world, we never really take the time to truly safe ort little thing so i'm going to play that again. >> authorities have switched their focus from the elvis impersonator, to a crawt instructor. ( laughter ). >> jon: that answer to the most ( bleep ) game of "clue" ever. the karate instructor did it with the rice inconsistent breakfast nook. by the way, that elvis impersonator. do not pigeonhole him, media. he does a mean randy travis ♪ on the other hand there's a golden man ♪ and it reminds me of someone ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> jon: that's his lawyer,
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and if you like that be sure to look for his new album "cleared ricin suspect." that is paul kevin curtis. i want to reiterate this, he's been completely cleared in this investigation. it turns out the elvis impersonator may have been framed for the crime of sending deadly poison to the president by j. everett dutschke, angry that he was removing his campaign bumper stickers. this is not a cunning terror plot. it's david lynch trect an episode of "mamma's family." ( laughter ) but i gotta give curtis his due. i have seldom seen anyone make a more entertaining use of his 15 minutes. >> let it, known, if you need the megarepresentation, this is the person. >> right now my-- i can't really afford to pay her the million that she's worth. >> oh whatever! >> but i am a licensed certified reflexologist, and i'm going to start with foot massage therapy with christie, who is going to
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be my first client and i'm going to donate 100,000 hours to community service in northeast mississippi to all you ladies who need foot massage therapy. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: he seems like a good guy. the only thing -- at least he's got a sense of humor. i wonder how you go through an ordeal like that and keep such high spirits. >> i've been to jail 20 times and i've never been convict of anything so far. >> jon: you know what they ,x=pdhdhdh24m;d)!<
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back opinion my guest tonight a fine young man. he stars on a.m.c.'s "mad men." please welcome back to the program, jon hamm. ( cheers and applause ). how are you? nice to see you. cheers. >> penny under my mug. >> jon: penny under your mug. >> i win a kiss gli thought the3 penny was worth more.ñr what's happening, man? how you be? >> i be very well, thank you very much. been in new york for a couple of weeks since we wrapped up season
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six of "mad men." ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: look at you, though, moving from eye really thought once you were done with the-- you moved on to the with megan, i thought draper, maing. >> settle down! >> jon: done. >> what could possibly go wrong? >> and the girl from freaks and geeks shows up-- >> we're going to work our way through iconic television shows by the time we're debate. >> jon: the refns point for me is i remember her as a junior-senior in high school. >> right. >> jon: and because of d.vr, i remember that from-- >> six weeks ago. >> jon: right. and then you turn it and you're like, did she travel to space? how does dshe age 10 years?" >> first of all, linda is a fantastic actress and lovely gal as well. she had just had her baby. so not only was she managing being on the show, not telling anybody that she's on the show, including family and friends,
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but also dealing with, like, an infant. >> jon: right, right, right. >> i mean, i was, like, amazed that she could show up to work in the morning much less be as good as she is. >> jon: you know what you ose, because i have two of those, infants. double-panned glass outside on the porch. you can barely hearñi them. >> you can barely hear them. especially in the springtime. now is perfect. >> jon: and the birds are chirping. it sounds a little bit like a robin. >> a light rain will nurture them. >> and both enjoy the regurgitated food in the mouth. >> very true. >> jon: those are tips from my new-- >> "the more you know." ( applause ) >> jon: here's what's interesting to me. so she is not tiebl tell even her family that she is on the show. >> yeah. it was-- and she kept it incredibly secret. we had the premiere, and she was not at the premiere, even though-- she would show up at the premiere they'd say, what, are you doing at the premiere?"
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as soon as the cat got out of the bag then -- >> she could show up. >> then it was amazing, and people were freaked out and du dually surprised. >> jon: the c.i.a. cannot keep their people from being outed. how do you, in a cast and a set and with all the people-- >> we frequent as a cast, far fewer venezuelan proft tiewts than the c.i.a., just as the group. >> jon: it's morality, good living. >> as a group. but, you know, it's something we decided. it's not unique. i mean most shows-- it's not like claire danez comes on and says let me tell you about next week's show. who is on it. >> jon: if they get special guest stars that's biggest push, the advertising is like-- they will release a spate of guest stars that's coming on as promotions. you've got to be very confident in your storylines and actors to not want to use that as a
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commercial as opposed to letting it play out. >> i think that's sort of stunt casting is one way to think about it. we like keeping it under wraps. >> jon: smart move, my friend. and you're heading off now, you're going to india. >> india. >> jon: with assif mandvi. assif mandvi and jon hamm are going to india ( cheering ) to shoot-- you're going to live in an ashram. >> we're actually getting married. ( laughter ) >> jon: it would be nice. the couldn't happen to two better people. >> i know! it's an exciting film based on a true story about an agent who goes to india to try find two cricket players who can play baseball. it's a true story. one of the guys is still in the major lesion at a triple a level. they found two kid, expaen 17, took them out of india. they didn't speak any exwhrsh. they never played baseball but they had the raw tools --
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>> they could bring a 90-mile-per-hour fastball. >> yes, but it's a very different-- you were a big cricket guy back in high school. >> jon: oh, huge! >> if there's one thing i know about jersey it's cricket crazy. ( laughter ) gli could eat 10 of them at one sitting. >> absolutely. wait a minute! >> jon: that's the jersey thing. are you a baseball guy, a baseball fan? >> i am, i'm awe huge st. louis cardinals fan. >> jon: i'm sorry, i couldn't hear that. >> that was i of a nice rivalry in the 80s opinion you guy won one world series and thewent to lou. >> jon: and theyou men more in the 90s. i was really happy for you. we're thinking about starting a team again. >> you should get another new stadium. >> jon: and maybe we should model it after ebbet field for now real reason. it's modeled after the dodger stadium for no reason. there was a jackie robinson
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rotund ra, but when you first walk in there, you're like i don't know where i am. >> there was not a gary carter mullet station. >> jon: just an image of cleon jones lying in the back of the station wagon. >> lenny dykstra as a tobacco station. >> jon: we could do this for hours. >> we might. >> jon: >> jon: the great jon hamm, let him have it.
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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> stephen: tonight, a new oppressed minority in america. has science discovered even gayer people? then a look inside our prison system. turns out it's not as much fun as oz made it out to be. and my guest punk pioneer iggy pop is here with the stooges. i look forward to the day when iggy pop reunites with snap and crackle. a wisconsin woman called police after seeing kittens having sex in her yard.