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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 13, 2013 9:00am-9:31am PDT

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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome to the daily show, my name is jon-- (cheers and applause) my guest tonight, oh, tonight's program say good one, my guest mindy kaling, triple threat! writer, producer, star.
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she's very successful. although she was very successful when she was just on its office. she's been successful for a very long time. i don't know-- i don't know what to-- let's get to our top story tonight. our top story tonight, as though we have a top story. (laughter) >> jon: new jersey governor chris christie, is losing weight. >> chris christie announcing that after struggling with obesity for years he revealed he secretly had lap band stomach surgery. >> some say it is a sign will run for president in 2016. (laughter) >> jon: of course some say that. some say that he's running for president, it's a sure sign. because why else would a 50-year-old man with young children and a loving family take steps to address obesity and extend his life. why else? it is a classic presidential run tell. (laughter)
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goes back to the days of eisenhower when everybody knew he was not going to be a president. of course the physical transformation that eisenhower underwent forced him to change his original campaign slogan. (laughter) (cheers and applause) you know what? can't a guy get healthy without prognosticators? >> oh what does it mean. it means he doesn't feel well! and wants to feel better. but you know, young christie, if you do wish to become president, it will take more than trimming down an occasional boughts of reasonableness. to be commander in chief you must have the reflexes of a ninja.
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>> nice! >> jon: now, where were we? (applause) (laughter) of course obviously now that job would be handled by drones. (laughter) >> jon: yeah, yeah, i'm making that up, yeah. that's what makes the president, christie. what just happened? no, did he-- no, could it be-- it be? >> a group of schoolchildren was visiting if you jersey governor chris christie when the spider crawled on his desk. he quickly squashed the problem. >> jon: only it wasn't an ode spider. it was the famous dr. arachno, who was at that moment rushing to christie's office to tell him of the can sur-- cancer cure breakthrough that he had discovered. (laughter)
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sadly, i guess because of chris christie, kwan certificate-- cancer will always be with us. (laughter) (applause) honestly, i don't-- i don't know that that was dr. arachno. just kidding. or that he was working, and why would he work on human cancer. he would be work on spider cancer, i without think, at the time. really the whole thing is somewhat farfetched. the point is this by the way, if you were concerned at all that governor chris yeaux set a poor example for the children who were visiting his office, or would run afoul of peta, please know that the governor saved that spider from a far worse faith. >> (laughter) >> jon: yup.
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hey, they bring a spider, you bring a stapler. that's the jersey way. (laughter) moving on! good on ya, from crushing spiders to crushing dreams s this really the segue we're going go with? you know, we hear this all the time. the government is so stupid. the free market should run the country. ayn rand is the best author ever, i can't wait until my senior year. you know. (laughter) but did you know the public sector has no monopoly on ruining everything? >> between 2009 and 2010 foreclosure proceedings that were wrongful or in some way contained banker rohr commenced against nearly 4 million homeowners. >> jon: 4 million, it's only 2 million homes a year. and this is the private sector doing this i'm sure it is easy for them to track the paperwork of the
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mortgages and correct the errors. >> it used to be that the paperwork tracking mortgages was easy to find, filed at a local recorders office. >> jon: and remains so today. hmmmm? that is your story, is it not? since that system is working and people were very happy with it? >> but more than a decade ago big mortgage lenders set up their own alternative system. it's called merses, the mortgage electronic registration system. >> jon: you're kidding me! so these 4 million foreclosure problems, this was no accident. this was-- (laughter) mers. (laughter) (cheers and applause) all right.
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so it was mers. how does merses work. >> instead of filing papers at a local courthouse, mortgage changes are simply registered inside the mers computer. but with no official paper trail lenders are now scrambling to produce documents to prove they have the right to foreclose. >> jon: as it turned out the big banks didn't enjoy filling out paperwork. for every single mortgage. they wanted to reassign or security advertise so they formed a consortium. mortgage dumpster, if you will. (laughter) >> that would allow them these mortgages to trade electronically within this corporation, they were all shareholders of. think of it as a tea party. but instead of [bleep] your wife, they lose track of the deed to your house. but fear not--
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(applause) fear not. fear not, my spiderphobic friends. i'm sure there is a better name for that but i don't know. fear not, this type of inevitable free market overreach is why the government must maintain its watchdog status go get them boys. >> the office of the controller of currency the occ --. >> jon: oh yeah, you down with occ, yeah! the office of the controller of the currency. because they sprung into action to determine which homes were being foreclosed upon inappropriately. >> independent foreclosure review was essentially having banks hire independent consultants who were on bank payrolls to look at the bank's own records. >> jon: we are alone. >> the whole thing was so badly conceived from the beginning, again, that the occ finally said we give up.
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>> abandoned for being too complicated and for helping almost no one. >> jon: which is coincidentally the occ's motto. (laughter) so ultimately-- (cheers and applause) >> jon: you down with occ. so ultimately like most incredibly complicated and extremely destructive financial scandals, the perpetrators went to jail. went to jail! i'm a card. i am a riot! (laughter) they pull trillions out of the economy and they went to jail. what i meant to say was they went to the caribbean. (laughter) they went to the caribbean after paying an inadequate and completely arbitrary settlement of $9 billion. no, seriously. they admitted it was completely arbitrary. >> to estimate the number would have required with more precision would have
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required additional delay in providing -- >> but it doesn't mean you pick a number out of the air. >> jon: oh. really? what's wrong, senator. don't you like magic? (cheers and applause) >> jon: i'm sorry that actually was supposed to be a number. (laughter) and i have terrible allergies, so-- but you know what, $9 billion was the perfect number because it's a big enough number to impress consumers, but a small enough number to teach the banks no lesson whatsoever. and it is incredibly dividable enough to be meaningless. >> our viewers are looking at a full screen right here about what victims are going to get. >> not much. >> 60% as you said will get $300 bucks. >> jon: whooo! 300 bucks. which is good if the home
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you lost is on the 16th hole of a miniature golf course. (laughter) but with all that, with everything that happened, with free market incompetence coupled by government irregularlation, they top it all off with one final kick to the homeowners' nuts. >> government issued checks to homeowners are bouncing. (laughter) >> jon: ah! so that's why this guy's picture is up behind the register at the bodega. 0h$m)n-55
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>> jon: welcome back. this past sunday, may 5th, we celebrated that most american of holidays cinco de mayo. but not everyone in this country understands its true meaning. jessica williams reports. >> cinco de mayo, the party of parties. i wanted to hit up an authentic fiesta this year so i went down to dallas, texas, where thousands of latinos were taking the party to the streets. how's your party going. >> this is not exactly a party for us. >> are you kidding? >> look at all these moves i'm doing. >> what you are looking for is immigration reform. >> here i am with my girls on cinco de mayo! >> we're here to march for immigration reform. >> reporter: so 5,000 people chose to waste their cinco de mayo by marching for more humane immigration laws? nah-uh, not on my watch.
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>> i have a permit but after that -- >> let's talk about party stuff like what is the craziest place you have bonked somebody. mean in an oscar weaner mobile. >> i don't have one like that. >> when i was 13 my father was deported. i was living with wasn't living where my mother, separated for 20 years. >> all right, you know what that means, parents away, you got to get with it. take the-- off. >> i was trying to get the party started but the negativity was wearing me down. >> a lot of these people are getting separated from their families. >> working long hours, overtime without being paid. >> fighting for the rights in america. >> it's hard for us to get access to medical care. >> these people were bumming me out. what's worse, what i thought was the beer line turned out to be for something called botar. clearly these people had a lot to learn about the american holiday of cinco de mayo. i took a few of these party poopers with me to show them the true meaning of the day. >> cinco de mayo is the
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single best excuse to go out and do unlimited tequila shots all day long. >> yeah, that's what mi talking about. >> cinco de mayo is a party. no politics. once it gets into politico stuff it is no fun. >> we don't want to get not politico stuff. >> no. >> there is what cinco de mayo is all about. >> they had much to learn about our tradition. >> traditionally on cinco de mayo we eat stock itoes which are small tacoes. >> see a that quito. >> yeah, i know what a that quito is. >> mustache, somebreroes. >> i hate cinco de mayo. gringo can't handle the tequila. just tired of it. i just want to go home. >> i even figured out a way to combine our ritualized drinking with their bizarre need to constantly crusade for basic rights. >> my family being separated, there is no other way to describe it but inhumane. >> inhumane. >> that's one, everybody drink. >> across culture success. one of the activists even
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offered to be a designated driver. >> or i could take four in the back. >> maybe we need each other after all. >> they do the jobs we don't want to do. staying soner and being politically engaged. politically engaged. (cheers and applause) [ female announcer ] the one for all.
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mcdonald's dollar menu, home of the meaty, melty mcdouble you love... ♪ ...and other amazing tastes, for just a dollar each. ♪ like the bold hot n spicy mcchicken, and the new grilled onion cheddar burger topped with caramelized onions and melted white cheddar. everyday, as always, there's a lot to love for a little on mcdonald's dollar menu. (cheers and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome back, my guest tonight the creator and star of fox's the mindy
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project, please welcome back to the program mindy kaling. (cheers and applause) >> how do you know about that? (applause) >> hi guys! this is nice. >> jon: nice to see you. >> yeah, this is a nice group of people. >> jon: they're a fine group of people. >> yeah. >> jon: we have a very strict screening process. >> oh, you do? >> jon: they're the finest all colombia doctoral students. >> whoa! i like that. >> jon: no. >> no,. >> jon: there is a methadone clinic like a block from here. >> oh. >> jon: get them on a bus and see what happens. >> that's kind of you, jon. >> jon: yeah, it's nice. did you something last night, if i may. >> what? >> jon: can i show the picture. >> okay. >> jon: this is mindy kaling. look at you -- >> thank you. i know, right.
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>> jon: the glamor, you went to the met ball. >> i went to the met ball. >> jon: i have been here 27-- i have worked, i have catered at that. (laughter) >> jon: i put little pieces of figure in tuna on endive and gave it to -- >> it's very glamorous and very-- that is why i am wearing, a lot of indian woman's hair that is not my own. one of the things you do when you are an actress is they deem your hair like disgustingly too thin so you are wearing a lot of other dead woman's hair. >> jon: do they tell you whose dead hair it is. >> yeah, i have their whole story. no it's very mack an re. it is some anonymous woman who was robbed of her hair. i can't know the details because i will get too sad rz. >> jon: right, right. >> so i don't know the details. >> is it in there now? >> jon: i don't want to say. and i take on the personality of the woman whose hair i have. >> jon: i've seen this movie with like vincent price. you have a killer's hair.
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>> what a weird way to start this, okay. >> jon: no no. >> that's a guy-- . >> jon: no let's go back to this. this is the ultimate sign of power. you know how in the old days it was like you get a table at a good restaurant. you are so powerful you say kill that woman and bring me her hair. bring her hair to me. i shall wear it. eye i am kaling, queen of the weave. (laughter) that's good. >> i'm-- i'm-- dow want to talk about something else? >> jon: how are you even doing this here is what i want to talk about. >> yeah. >> jon: so you are writing, producing,. >> i was at the met. >> jon: you're going to these parties. i feel like you should write in scenes on your show of you sleeping because i don't see where you're getting it. you are so busy with stuff right now. >> thank you. i feel busy but you know, you have-- we are in this small club where your name is in your own show, kind of
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a dream job. >> yes, so is mine. >> jon: yes. >> so i have this thing which don't want to be sleeping, that sounds corny because when i'm awake it is so much more fun than when i'm sleeping. >> jon: is it a dream come true so why not be awake. >> it is a dream come true so why not be a wachblingt i feel literally, the bigges biggest-- i'm a woman with my own television show on the network. i don't know, i'm just going to and also like i love the m rw. lly proud of it. so i am-- . >> jon: you have earned it with hilarity. the best part too is it not anything but that, you know what i mean. > nkn: which is nice. the show is great. >> thank you. >> jon: it really is great. >> that is so sweet of you. thank you. >> jon: and i say that, i'm not trying to sound hip. i watched the webisowed. >> no. >> jon: sometimes i log on. and i watch your webied so. they are like minishows but on the web.
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>> i'm very impressed. >> jon: yes, thank you very much, thank you. >> you let them stream and stat sat there-- . >> jon: isn't it funny about the doctor thing. like when you play -- like you are starting-- dow ever think like i know stuff now? >> i do-- i mean a lot of women and i love this, they think of mes alike oh she would be fun to be friends with. it would be cool if she were my doctor. so i do get a little bit of that. like could i deliver a baby in a snow strm on a train. i feel like i could do it. if push-- i would be like i'll just do it i would figure it out. i have seen it on tv enough, haven't you? >> jon: i have seen it a lot but i would really want someone to yell cut before the whole thing-- i think i would be way too-- like i would feel like-- i have an honorary doctorate so i do separate on some people. >> really? >> jon: yeah. >> where is it from. >> jon: my alma mater. >> okay. >> jon: it is-- do you know devry. >> come on. >> jon: william and mary and they gave me an honorary doctorate which i would
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assume meant you could operate on people. but you kill three of them and they take it right back. what are you going to do. >> you would be the best doctor. >> jon: will you take me to the met ball some day, i have never been, it sounds exciting. >> yeah, although i don't know i would be invited back. >> jon: was there an incident you would like to discuss. >> the theme was punk and i'm not the punk, most rebellious thing about me is that i'm like friendly. at this event t was all-- . >> jon: that is rebellious. >> it was like are you not supposed to grin and-- it is literally a ball where in a batman movie bain would come down and take-- that is the level every famous thin person have you ever seen in your life is there there's not a single person over 130 pounds, man or woman. >> jon: come back in the kitchen. >> and it is just-- it is so insanely glamorous. and it was punk so everyone looks like black lipstick, really unhappy. but i was like-- i can't stand it?
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so i don't know if i am going to go back. >> jon: the they if they change the theme-- the mipdy project. let's talk about that, airs tuesday night at 9:30 on fox. a very kbusee but very hilarious mindy kaling. (cheers and applause)
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>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> rock n brews has a philosophy of giving somebody an experience like backstage at a rock concert. sturted varney, are you a rock star but the rest of the world aren't. so if are you to the born captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, a vast government cover-up. turns out the social security numbers they gave us are all different. then how can the


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