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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 22, 2013 6:55pm-7:26pm PDT

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for? holy mall. >> i'm not coming back, michael. >> i'm staying home so i can come to your house. >> not going to happen. >> i'm thankful for this here. >> can that gorilla do any tricks? he knows sign language. >> i'm thankful for you and malloy. >> f you ass-kisser. happy thanksgiving. here is is a child. i'm blocking you. have fun at the kids' table. thanks, everybody. have a happy thanksgiving. >> happy thanksgiving. >> happy thanksgiving. (laughter) >> the only thing that makes me sleepier than turkey is dhating with you guys. boring, i say. okay. time for celebrity birthdays. no celebrities were born today. good night.
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(applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, an unexpected treatment for heart disease. so if you're having a heart attack right now, stick around. [laughter] then is the government meddling in our private lives? i happen to know they've been handling my mail. and my guest, harvard professor noah feldman says our relationship with china is like a destructive marriage. maybe so, but the make-up war is going to be hot. [laughter] a london auction house is offering a rare christmas card signed by adolf hitler. even more rare, his happy hanukkah card. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing]
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[cheering and applause] >> stephen: hey, welcome to "the report," everybody. thank you for joining us. [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: thank you so much, folks. [cheering and applause] folks, i hope you're feeling good. sit down, everybody. folks, i hope you're feeling good, and if you're nottic -- not, i've got some good news to report, tonight justice has been served for a cold-blooded killer who has been at large for over 150 years. of course, i'm talking about the pathogen that caused the irish potato famine. scientists in england extracted d.n.a. from 19th century plant samples to identify the
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disease at long last, and just as i suspectedded, it was the phytophthora nfestans herb-1 strain. and i bet all you armchair epidemologists who thought it was the 1-b haplotype feel like [bleeped] now. now, i don't have to tell you that p. infestans here is a fungal infection, meaning all the potatoes in ireland basically had jock itch. the whole thing could have been avoided with a single can of cruex. instead it was the worst plague to hit the irish since whatever keeps destroying michael flatly's shirts. [laughter] it wiped out a million of my countrymen, and worse, it forced lucky charms to start putting marshmallows in its cereal instead of delicious potatoes.
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not to mention, having lost all their potatoes, the irish had no way to power their clocks. truly dark days, folks. nation, i always say, "feed a fever, starve a cold, blackmail a cough. ," because i have photos of that cough doing things that would make you sick. this is cheating death with dr. stephent. colbert d.f.a. [cheering and applause] first up, a disclaimer: i am not a medical doctor. i have an honorary doctorate in fine arts, which means i can prescribe antidepressants to cure your blue period. [laughter] now, as always, tonight cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. when you think prescott, it means our medicine has not
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caused permanent brain damage. first up, folks, heart health. now, for any of my viewers who might have a heart, listen up. this next story affects you. >> scientists are saying a little sun can help your blood pressure. in a new study, studies have shown exposure to the sun's rays cuts blood pressure and cuts the risk of heart attack and stroke. >> it turns out i wasn't being cruel to those apts. i was reducing their risk of stroke. [laughter] now, the reduced... the researchers at the university of edinburgh had volunteers sit under a tanning lamp for two, 20-minute sessions and saw that blood pressure dropped significantly for one hour following exposure to u.v. rays. u.v. rays are good for your heart, that's why i've always called sun block "the silent killer." of course, like any medication, sun exposure has its pitfalls,
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but the study's author assures us we suspect that the benefits to heart health of sunlight will outweigh the risk of skin cancer. that is the kind of vague suspicion i'm willing to bet my life on. of course, the discovery... [applause] [cheering] beautiful picture of a sun. of course... people love photos of the sun. of course, the discovery that sunlight can treat your high blood pressure is a direct threat to the sales of existing blood pressure medications like: norvasc, zestril, hygroton, esidrix, lozol, mykrox, bumex, edecrin, lasix, demadex, midamor, aldactone, dyrenium, atenolo, lismelin,
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serpasil, catapres, wytensin, tenex, aldomet, cardura, minipress, hytrin, sectral, tenormin, apresoline, cozaar, benicar, diovan, capoten, altace, prinivil, lopresor, toprol, corgard, levatol, cardizem, dilacor, adalat, procardia, and tekturna. and i have to tell you, the idea that this sun study could eat into the profits of these pharmaceuticals could make my blood boil. i should take my avapro. oh, yeah, avapro. [cheering and applause] jimmy, could you... jimmy? thank you. regardless, the good people at
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prescott pharmaceuticals aren't ones to let a medical breakthrough go unexploited. that's why they're proud to introduce our new blood pressure medication, vasca-towel. simply apply vasca-towel to your front lawn... [laughter] lay down in the treatment rectangle and soak in the life-healing ultraviolet radiation. folks... [cheering and applause] you know vasca-towel's motto: when your moles start changing shape, you know it's working. just soak in the healing as vasca-towel does its medical magic to keep most but not all bugs from crawling on you. and remember, these aren't just towels we stole from our aunt's
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linen closet. she said we could have them. side effects of vasca-towel may include downton abscess, sunny pee and i can't believe it's not bladder. next up, weight loss. [vomiting] nation, swimsuit season is right around the corner, and if you're looking to slim down, the best way may be sparking up. >> people who smoke marijuana typically have a higher caloric intake, which makes this aspect of the study so surprising. >> we have to assume there is some compound that is involved with marijuana smoke that causes an improvement in metabolism. >> stephen: that's right, pot helps you lose weight. [cheering and applause]
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people here are looking to diet. i say we can use this to stem the tide of childhood obesity. young man, you can have that sundae after you've smoked your vegetables. [applause] nation, if pot is a gateway to eating more calories yet somehow still ending up skinnier, it stands to reason that even harder drugs will help even more. that's why prescott pharmaceuticals is proud to introduce vasca-meth. vasca-meth precision cooked in prescott's state-of-the-art room above the garage, vasca-meth is guaranteed to slim you down by helping you shed unwanted tooth weigh. this summer impress all your friends with your new bikini mouth and your wash board gums. [laughter] not only that, but you'll be sure to get your cardio in when
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you're up until 4:00 a.m. frantically digging your neighbor's yard for copper wire. side effects of vasca-meth include brain cramps and space invaders and funky cold angina. well, that's it for cheating death, brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. remember, we don't test on animals. we make the animals test on each other. until next time, i'll see you in hell. [cheering and applause]
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[cheering and applause] >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. folks, if you watch this show, then you know that i have never been a big fan of information. scientists say we use only 10% of our brain, but i say stop throwing all those numbers at me. worst of all, the nosy parkers over at the census bureau are always collecting detailed information about people and businesses. so i was excited to learn that finally someone is trying to stop it. >> republican congressman jeff duncan of south carolina proposed a bill to forbid the u.s. census bureau from conducting any survey except for a population count. >> hear that, census bureau? population count only. you have no right to my personal information. that belongs to facebook! [laughter] jeff duncan knows this is really a private privacy issue, explaining right now the census bureau can ask citizens very
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invasive questions. if they don't respond, the government shows up at their door and threatens them with a fine. americans are fed up with these mandatory census bureaus and they're asking us to stop the harassment. yes! stop the census bureau harassment. every few years they show up on our front porch asking for personal information. it's like a drunk ex-boyfriend. suzanne, who's the new guy you're dating? what's the highest level of education he's completed or is he pacific islander or other? folks, the government, the government, listen to this, the government says census information is necessary for distributing government services, but the real plans for this information are anybody's guess. or everybody's guess. because according to reports published in the highly prestigious "the internet," census data could very well be used to make a database of gun
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owners for confiscation or the direct u.n. troops where to kick in your door or for something even more sinister, like tracking the corn harvest. terrifying. it's like that horror movie "aggregate yield of the children of the corn." besides... [cheering and applause] besides, we don't need to count corn. i'm pretty sure at this point monsanto has genetically engineered corn so much it can count itself. but some people out there are not so thrilled about defeating the info-nazis. >> imagine if suddenly these numbers disappeared. >> no unemployment rate, no gdp numbers, no economic data at all. >> this would make it almost impossible to quantify important economic indicators. >> this is how we get all economic data that all market indicators rely on. >> market indicators? come on.
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wall street doesn't run on census data. it runs on something much more powerful -- cocaine. besides, congressman duncan is in favor of some information, saying, "as a former small business owner, i recognize that some economic data gathering is beneficial, however, it should be voluntary, industry-driven and not mandated by the government under penalty of law." yes, the free market can handle it. and we already have way of determining the unemployment rate, the nielsen ratings for "maury." the u.s. government should be completely ignorant of everything going on within its borders. after all, what's an i.r.s. tax form but a wage census. under household income, i should get to check a box that reads, "let's just say we're comfortable." i mean, what's next? seriously. if we cross this line, if we cross this rubicon, what is
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next? tracking all voters using some kind of sticker? oh, my god! the point is, this bill may be a tacit rejection of the age of enlightenment, but what's so wrong with the age of endarkenment. may i remind you, if there was no renaissance, there would be no renaissance fairs. new york i don't want a turkey leg. we'll be right back. t@q/r/qokf!/
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>> welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is harvard professor. his new book is called "cool war." it's like the cold war, but everyone is wearing skinny jeans. please welcome noah feldman. [cheering and applause] hey, nice to see you. thanks for coming back, dr. feldman. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: now, for the people who may not remember the last time you were here, about five years ago, let's say, thanks for coming back. you're the beemisprofessor of international law, a harvard rhodes scholar. must have some elastic in your old smarty pants over there, maybe an escalator in your ivory tower. all right, your new book is called "the cool war: the future of global competition." what's the cool war? we had a cold war, we kicked as, we took name, we won it. what's the cool war? >> in a cold war, you can't attack your enemy because you're afraid you'll each blow each
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other. in a cool war, you need your enemy. you're completely interdependent. we need china to keep lending us money. >> so china is the enemy in the cool war? >> it is. they need us as much to keep on buying their products some we're totally interdependent. at the same time, they are rising fast, and that would like to be a global superpower, and we're the only global superpower, and we do not want somebody else to join us at the top. that's a recipe for conflict. >> stephen: after i saw those 2008 games in beijing, scared the... [laughter] ...the hoy sin sauce out of me. should i be scared of china? >> yes, you should be scared. i'm scared. >> stephen: you're scared of china? >> i am scared. >> stephen: what scares you? what are they going to do to us? >> what scares me is they would very credibly like to become the most important power in asia, half the world's population. >>
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>> stephen: how are they not? >> we're still the most important power in asia. >> stephen: oh, wow. one for us. i didn't know that. i like that. >> we're still the one who have the aircraft carriers. we organize regional security, but they would like the change all this. the way to do that is keep on growing and grow their military at 10% a year, which they've been doing, and to wait until a day comes when they say, gee, we would like taiwan to be part of china and we say, okay, what are we going to do about that? >> stephen: what do we say now? now we say, we'd rather not talk about it, right? >> yeah. we have what we call a posse of strategic ambiguity. we haven't said we are going to war. we haven't said we won't go to war. the idea is that will stop china from trying to take over taiwan. so far it's worked. >> stephen: okay. >> so for what that's worth, it hasn't happened. the question is how long will that realistically last? >> stephen: how long will that realistically last? that was actually my next question. >> i think it will last until china's military... >> stephen: give me a did a,
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daddy-o. grow a pair. what date does it end? 30 years, how long? >> if we continue to struggle against china, it may never happen. we're trying to stop that from happening. >> stephen: what is this struggle. you say it's codependence. we know they're our big trading partner. what do we need for them? >> we need them to loan us money. they own 8% of our national debt, which is more than anybody in the u.s. >> stephen: brazil owns a ton of our debt. england owns a ton of our debt. >> not even close. >> stephen: i'm going to call bull [bleeped] on that. i think brazil owns a bunch too. can someone check to see if i'm right? they said i'm right. [laughter] wait a second. no, no, listen, listen, you're the harvard guy, i'll give you that one. let me ask you this, as a kid, and howl are you? >> 43. >> stephen: yeah, as a kid, growing up, we're never going to get off our dependence on foreign oil, right, we'll be
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slaves and chains. they're going to own our women and their harems in saudi arabia because we'll need their oil. now we're fracking north dakota. we got more oil than we know what to do with in the future. there's plenty of oil out there. we can sell this to other people. is there anyway we can frack our economy and no longer be dependent on the chinese and we flip the script and china is dependent upon us for sales, but we don't need their cash, game over. >> it's a great plan. >> stephen: thank you. [cheering and applause] >> but what i think is that in the real world that would mean we would borrow even more of our own money. we would own even more of our own debt. >> stephen: who wins? look into your crystal ball. who wins this one? >> we don't know who wins. >> stephen: america wins. the answer is america wins. how do we win? if that's not your answer, then think about that one.
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how do we win it? >> the way we win and the way everyone could really win would be to take advantage of the fact that we're mutually interdependent and try to use the leverage of the fact that everyone would lose in a war to try to stop them from fighting us and stop us from fighting them. >> stephen: that's what the french said to the nazis over vichy. they said, "we will cooperate with you." >> the major difference is that china is knotts easy germany -- nazi germany. china is authoritarian. it's not a dictatorship. they change their leadership every ten years. >> they're commies. >> they were once commies. >> stephen: you're buying that? you swallowed that whole, we're not commies thing. >> they're definitely a ruling party. >> stephen: it's called the communist party. >> but they've admitted capitalists to membership. >> they're just capitalists period. >> they seem to be all in on the capitalism front. >> all right. listen, will you come back if we
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get to war with china? >> that would be the least of our problems. i'll be here. >> stephen: thank you. thank you so much. noah feldman. the book is "the cool war."
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>> stephen: that's it for "the r


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