tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central June 25, 2013 1:00am-1:36am PDT
it! - all right, fine! - a-a-ahem... - "oh, dear, my best friend is possessed, how about that!" said the little boy in the red poof ball hat... - ha ha haaa! now i shall rule the-- ughh... aahghgh... god it burns! aahhhh... my soul is on fire! ohhh, i don't like this. i didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil! - well what did you expect, dude? it's the son of the devil. - oh god, what have i done? i'm sorry, please... i don't wanna be the vessel for the antichrist! - i'm sorry but it's too late, kyle. santa's gonna have to kill you. - no, santa don't! - we don't have a choice, in a few hours the dark creature inside him will consume his soul! - the little boy fretted, he almost started to bawl... but that's when he came up with the best idea of all. - the lion cubs! - ...the little boy quickly begun... - i took them to see how abortions are done!
- what? - now, cubs do like they showed you, hurry up fast. get the antichrist of my friend kyle's ass! - and in the twinkling starlight each little cub did their portion. they remembered all they had learned and gave kyle an abortion. - aarhghgh...! gagahrhgrh...! - kill, destroy! ghghrhrhg! - kill, destory! gagahrhgrh-- - thanks, everybody. i'm sorry i got a little crazy there. - well, little boy, it seems that you have really been through a lot. is there any special present you would like this year? - yeah... yeah there is. - what--oh my, what happened? - mommy? - yea! - you're back! - we missed you mommy! - oh, good. - and back home, there were presents and lots of food to get fat
and it was the best christmas ever for the boy in the red poof ball hat. and they all lived happily ever after, except for kyle who died of aids two weeks later. - god damn it, cartman! - ♪ christmas time is once a year ♪ ♪ every creature holds it dear ♪ ♪ every animal big or small ♪ christmas means the world to us all ♪ ♪ it's once a year, it's christmastime ♪ ♪ when we hear about how christmas only comes ♪ ♪ once a year captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ]
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> john: welcome to the daily show. i am john oliver. still here for jon stewart who is currently in moscow or ecuador or on a flight somewhere or escaped from the national zoo. we don't know. we don't know at this point. my guest tonight, actress maggie gyllenhaal is here. [ cheers and applause ] but first, but first tonight, money, money, money, money, money! you might remember five years ago when banks nearly destroyed the world. do you remember thinking, i couldn't get any more pissed off at financial institutions than i am right now. well, you're about to get [bleep]. >> bombshell emails reportedly show how two big credit rating agencies accepted cash in
exchange for green-lighting the risky practices that got us into this long mess. one s&p official reportedly emailed, "let's hope we are all wealthy and retired by the time this house of cards faulters." and another quote, "lord help our expletive scam. this has to be the stupidest place i have worked at." >> john: by the way just incidentally i'm guessing that's not the first time that she smith has had to say, "this has to be the stupidest place i've ever worked at." but now, look, look. [ cheers and applause ] you might have heard him during that report say credit rating agencies accepted cash in exchange for triple-a ratings. that might sound to you like a bribe when actually it's much worse than that. it's standard business practice. and don't take that from a political is a tirist. take it from a satirical politician. >> the "washington post" depicts
the problem quite well in this satirical cartoon. now here you see the rating agencies giving three tens to a figure skater labeledded wall street. he says, "i pay their salaries." that's why he's getting the three tens or triple-a. and, yes, he's a figure skater and he's dumping trash really. there you see an apple core. there's a fish. head. skeleton. a banana. you know what those do on the ice. you just don't want that. that's bad. >> john: how do you not love that? al franken has crackd the code on how to talk to senators. as though they were six-year-old children. now, that was back in 2010 when senator franken was proposing a crazy new system where rating agencies would no longer be directly paid by the banks in
deals they were raising. most americans would say that sounds sensible and obvious. what would the representatives of those americans say? >> house and senate negotiators are voted to strip out senator al franken's credit rating agency amendment. >> john: that's. they say get that [bleep] out of our financial reform bill. so franken didn't get the amendment but he did get the next best thing. a study by the s.e.c. that ultimately proves he was right about there being a conflict of interest. how did they cover that? on the nation's premiere financial news network? >> the franken provision, yes, you know who that is probably named after, required the s.e.c. to conduct a review of the feasibility of a new system in which a public or private utility or board would assign work to the agencies on structured product ratings. >> uh? do you understand any of that? >> it's tough to make the jump without like the bill murray
amendment. >> grande did it. the bill murray amendment. you kind of laugh at the bill murray amendment. >> john: two points there. first you're a financial analyst. your one job is to understand stuff like this arch explain it to us. that's like a pilot coming on over the p.a. saying, oh, there are so many buttons up there. how do you fly this thing? [ cheers and applause ] too many buttons. who designed this? and, two, if the guy who does understand it used to be a comedian, that makes you look bad, not him. ( applause ) fortunately there is one place where banking regulation has worked. jason jones has more. >> the financial crash of 2008 brought a new focus on the behavior of wall street. but what happened to the regulations that were promised in its wake? >> the largest financial institution has been doing everything they can to make sure
that financial regulations don't get put in place. >> that's exactly the way it should be. according to champions of the free market, men like hedge fund manager john tobacco. >> we don't need these socialist forms of regulations, the elizabeth warrens of the world coming down and sticking their little fingers and micromanaging the capital markets. >> if those women came down with their little hands, what would we wind up looking like? >> we would start looking a hell of a lot more like canada. >> and nobody wants that. i should know. i'm from canada. a horrific country where the financial system is heavily regulated by a centralized government office that sets rules on almost every type of transaction. i reluctantly traveled back to toronto and sat down with the ceo of canada's 8th largest bank to hear his tales of woe about overregulation. >> the model of regulation we have had in this country has been a huge contributor to the stability of the banking system and the stability of our
economy. >> regulation doesn't work. definitely slows things down a little bit. but the canadian banking system has not had a crash in 150 years. or even longer. >> no crash. absolutely not. the internet bubble. a couple stocks maybe that went down but... >> market crash in '87. i don't think it was one that certainly affected the banking system. >> great depression? our banking system persevered through the great depression as well. >> a ridiculous claim substantiated by nothing more than facts. but a real capitalist would know that's not the point. >> the american financial system is the last bastion of free-market capitalism in the world. it's the greatest system the world has ever known. >> what about the statistical evidence that shows otherwise. >> what statistical evidence. the 1790 the u.s. has had 16 banking crises and canada has had zero.
>> there have been bubbles and bursts in the u.s., but if you're educated and you're prepared, you should be able to profit. >> you see these bubbles and bursts are just a bit of harmless free-market fun. >> nothing fun about people's house losing 50% of their value. >> but you can make money off that. >> there are some people, a very few amount of people, who can make money. >> the rest of them [bleep] who cares. >> are you serious? i would never ever say that. >> why not? [bleep]. >> an outrageous thing to say. screw 'em. no. oh, my god! somebody please teach these people how to bank. >> we have a lot of products here in the u.s. that the canadians can take a hint from, like, for example, collateralized mortgage obligations. although we went overboard with them it's still a product that works. >> over, under, inside outside
loans. >> never heard of those. a reverse shrinking derivative. >> still never heard of it. unlike americans, average canadians have been denied these financial instruments, leaving them confused about what a banker really is. when you say the word banker, what comes to mind? >> trust worthy, considerate. when i say the word banker, what comes to mind? >> cockroaches. greedy little pricks. they're just like an extension of my family. >> reliable. back stabbing. transparent. money grubbing. i love canadian banks. pieces of [bleep]. that's what they are. >> and that is the real problem with regulation. it attacks the proud, rich culture of the banker, an exciting lifestyle of offensive wealth that sadly in some parts of the world has already been lost. >> we have fun here. we have fun. >> no, you don't. we do. prove to me that you are fun. well, put on the spot, i
guess i could tell you a joke. >> tell me a joke then. so a duck walked into a pharmacy and he asks for some chap stick. when he goes to pay he says, put it on my bill. >> that's not a joke. what's the difference between jelly and jam? >> i don't know. you can't jelly a [bleep] in a girl's mouth. >> zing. and you can't jam regulation down a country's throat because to do so would be to undermine our nation's entire financial philosophy. >> finish this great american banking mantra. greed is... >> bad. greed is... dangerous. okay. i guess canadian wall street version is a little different. so, america, you can have regulation but only if you're plepped to live in a world that looks like this. >> the point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack
>> john: welcome back. for the first few weeks we've been following the saga of n.s.a. contractor slash villain edward snow disen. when we last checked in he was in hong kong with whom we have an extradition treaty so only a matter of time before he comes flying home, right? >> edward snowden hopped a flight out of hong kong early this morning our time headed for moscow. >> john: to get a connecting flight to justice town, right? now, you might be asking, how did that happen? we've been told that the u.s. government was in constant contact with hong kong authorities. >> they're back and forth on the phone talking like, do you still know where he is? yes, we still know where he is. all that is going very smoothly up until friday. then first of all they stopped
calling back. >> john: yes, you heard right. hong kong simply stopped returning our calls. basically the united states, the most powerful government on earth, was turned into a sad ex-boyfriend. hey, china, it's america. could you call me again? make sure you got our earlier messages and tkses and emails. not sure where you are. in the shower so i thought maybe i missed your call. just checking on that whole extradition thing we talked about. maybe give us a call or don't. it's cool. it's not cool. please do call. it's america. it's america calling. i love you. [ cheers and applause ] so the guys got on a plane to moscow. that's like a cup-and-ball trick with one cup. all we had to do was keep our eyes on that plane. >> this is a live look inside the moscow airport in russia. >> here is the camera on that
airplane. >> we're looking at pictures of the terminal. we believe this is where edward snowden would come. >> he had a seat on a flight from moscow to cuba. he's not on that plane. >> several journalists are on board who had hoped to interview him. >> a reporter who did get on board, even tweeted the empty seat where snowden was supposed to be sitting. >> john: that's right. somehow edward snowden's flight in moscow ended with a dozen journalists on a russian airliner 12-hour flight to cuba that edward snowden wasn't even on all so they could get collectively 12 exclusive photos of an empty chair. they were literally reporting on nothing. unless, unless edward snowden's technology is so advanced that he is wearing an invisible suit. sorry. so snowden has disappeared. the media now has a clear choice. either you accept that, wait for
developments, or... >> where in the world is edward snowden? >> we were told or we thought anyway it was roared anyway that he was flying to havana cuba. >> and on convenience wail a. he did apply for asylum in iceland. >> for all we know he's having lunch at the ecuador and embassy. >> whatever the truth we believe it's in moscow right now. >> no one knows anything for sure. >> this is all speculation at this point. >> john: then stop guessing. stop it! [ cheers and applause ] stop guessing. news is not a game show. you don't win a car if you happen to be right. although if it was like a game show at least when you got everything wrong, you would not be invited back the next day. but, look. let's be fair. it's not the news organization's job to find snowden. the government is on the case. >> we don't know specifically where he may head or what his intended destination may be. >> john: wow.
so, this is either incredibly embarrassing for the u.s. government or the most brilliant thing they could possibly do. because for a while there edward snowden had me believing that the u.s. government was all see, all knowing and all powerful. but after this weekend, they've got me even more convinced that they couldn't find the front of a human sent peed if their mouth was strung to its arse. we'll be right [ humming ]
that was quick. this was you. hm? you've been trying to get me to eat egg whites for years. you went and talked to mcdonald's? [ gasps ] oh, an egg white delight mcmuffin. i knew it. [ female announcer ] the new egg white delight mcmuffin. freshly grilled egg whites and creamy white cheddar. also available on any of your favorites. it's another new way to love mcdonald's. mmm. this is good. yeah. it's better than good. did you remember my latte? uh..yeah... but...it's in the car. mmm! that's good. ♪
>> john: welcome back. my guest tonight is a very fine actress whose new film is called "white house down." >> help is not coming. did you hear what i just said? >> john, they called an air strike on the white house. the vice president is dead. you just need to get out of there. >> no, no, no, they cannot do that. >> i'm so, so sorry. i was wrong about you. >> there's nothing you can do, john. if you stay in there you're going to die. >> i need you to listen to me. they're counting on me right
now. you tell me how much time i have. >> you only have eight minutes left to get them out. >> john: help us, you're our own hope. please welcome back to the show, maggie gyllenhaal. [ cheers and applause ] that's a lot of gyllenhaal. >> welcome. john: that's right. we can just do this for five minutes. you can just basque in the glory of affection. >> please let's not john: so white house down. one of the central characters in this is a hacker who manages to get on to n.s.a. computers and compromise security. is it possible that the whole ed
card snowden story was just a campaign? is it possible that that is the... >> you mean is it part of like the mack truck that is the press campaign for white house down? >> i wonder if we eventually found edward snowden and he's wearing a white house down t-shirt? never doubt the power of major studios. >> can i interrupt you and say how nice it is to see you here. [ cheers and applause ] i'm used to seeing that other jon >> john: the other jon. this is a refreshing change, just not a change you would want permanently. unlike a new car smell which is nice until you realize that the new car smell is disgusting. >> i was trying to give you a compliment. you took it and you just kind of snuffed it out. >> john: i'm british. i don't know what to do with compliments. >> just take it
ohn: i very much appreciate that. now white house down. it seems like there's been a bit of a shift in movies over the years. we like to see presidents now physically fighting back. why do you find that so reassuring? a president will like get a gun and go, "don't worry. i'll handle this." >> it's funny because i think jamie tried to be the president who didn't do that. there's one scene in the movie where i remember channing does this huge leap across an elevator shaft, and there's a moment... i mean you've probably said that. >> john: if i know there's a leap across an elevator shaft. >> i thought that was safe to give away. there's a moment where the president's lawyer pretends that's hard for him but i think he couldn't take it anymore. he also wanted to be the one with the guns and saving people. >> john: deep down americans
want a president that has an harrison ford air force one moment of, "get off my plane." >> i don't want my president to be there >> john: but you want the option. in a choice between president obama and mitt romney in terms of fending off an alien attack, you would go with president obama. mitt romney is just going to throw money at the problem. [ cheers and applause ] >> i think when given the choice between mitt romney and president obama in almost anything i would choose president obama. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: all right. we get it. that issue was settled. relax. maybe it's because movies used to be about, maybe it's an age thing. movies used to be about protecting the president because we had older presidents. they're all younger ones. >> that's what this one is supposed to be about. did it not work? >> john: it did work. there's a belief down inside you somewhere that even if there's a
failure that jamie fox is going to protect the white house. when it comes down to it he's going to fight his way out. >> he totally was. john: don't laugh. i think jamie fox even not in character would personally defend the white house. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. i put my life in jamie fox's... well, i don't know about that. >> john: i met your daughter back stage. she's a delightful creature. how is it bringing up daughters in new york? >> it's very hard. john: there was this one moment this weekend i was walking past a playground. what do you call those in america? >> a playground. john: potato, potato. and there were these two little girl standing outside one of them was dressed up in their dress with a nice handbag and little braids in her hair. she turned to the one next to her and looked really angry and said you told me this was going to be dressy. at a playground.
that's a lot of pressure for a child. >> well, my daughter back stage is wearing a shirt that said brave men run in my family. >> john: you have an awesome daughter. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you john: i really appreciate it. white house down. >> go see white house down. [ cheers and applause ] ladiesn: maggie gyllenhaal,
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. please, folks, we've got to go. sit down. we've got to do the show because, folks, tonight -- sit down, please. folks, i've got to tell you. tonight, we have a huge story and i don't have to tell you what that is. i'm being told i have to tell you what that is.
evidently that is my only job. okay. former n.s.a. analyst and current drone bait edward snowden has gone missing, folks. that's right. this computer whiz has hit escape, control-alt-deleted himself and has avoided being caps-locked up, f7. jim? >> man on the run. where is n.s.a. leaker edward snowden headed next. >> the high-stakes game of cat apped mouse reaches a fever pitch as spy whistle-blower edward snowden remains on the run. >> edward snowden says catch me if you can. a global game of hide and seek >> stephen: yes, a global game of hide and seek. why did we agree to count all the way to 100? and has anyone checked behind curtains in the living room? now, folks, nobody knows exactly where snowden might be.