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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 6, 2013 6:55pm-7:26pm PDT

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jim? >> high alert. is an attack imminent? >> americans have been put on notice. they may not be safe this month. >> a global travel alert is now in effect for all americans around the world. that's after sources say there's growing intelligence that al-qaeda is planning an attack. as a precaution, the u.s. is closing 22 embassies and consulates. >> u.s. officials say an attack could happen anywhere in the world at any time. it could happen literally at any moment. >> stephen: yes, an attack is imminent, any moment, anywhere, any time. look to your left. look to your right. both of those people could be terrorists. and what about that guy in the middle who keeps looking around so much? what's he planning? folks, this warning is exactly why we invested hundreds of billions of dollars in our intelligence gathering, surrendered our privacy and let the n.s.a. turn the constitution into a choose your own adventure. so we can get concrete,
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actionable intelligence like this. >> al qaeda appears to be planning something big although we don't know the exact target or the exact method. >> we still don't know the time or date or target of any attack. >> what we don't know is the exact date, the exact location that's going to occur or the nature of it. are they going to attack embassies or hotels? we just don't know. >> stephen: thank you n.s.a. now we know americans just need to avoid "this" area. [ cheers and applause ] folks, without any details, i'm not even sure how panicked i'm supposed to be. at least during the bush years i could look at this helpful chart and know that my sphincter tightness was orange but even that's gone now because obama gave all those colors to the
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gays for their rainbow. [ cheers and applause ] but despite the uncertainty, nothing is being left to chance. in fact, the state department announced the closed u.s. embassies will remain shut through saturday due to an abundance of caution. yes, it's important to remain abundantly cautious until saturday. after that, the terrorists would have to rebook their flights. and that's a $100 change fee. plus they'd have to take off work again and reschedule the baby-sitter. it's a nightmare. anyway, you know, folks, if you watch this show, you know i am a born sportsman. in fact i've been told by many doctors that i have athlete's feet. this is the sport report.
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[ cheers and applause ] first up on the sport report, baseball. folks, like any red-blooded american male i'm an avid watcher of our national pastime huzzah huzzah for the white-stockings. give what-for to those finks on the brooklyn bridegrooms but lately our beloved game of ball-and-stick or rounders, as the kids call it, has had to clean house after another performance-enhancing drug scandal. personally i was all for watching a bunch of weapons-grade humanoid monsters turn this sport into their own personal pacific rim but unfortunately it is against the rules and today the hammer came down on one of the game's most recognizable larger than normal faces. >> they've announced that third baseman alex rodriguez of the new york yankees and i'm read inning directly has been
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suspended without pay for the remainder of the 201 season and also post season and the entire 2014 season as well. for violations of the joint prevention treatment program and basic agreement. >> stephen: that's right. alex rodriguez or arod has been suspended through the end of next season so if he's on your fantasy baseball team it is time to swap him out for a different hobby. seriously, you're an adult and your wife misses you. now rodriguez has allegedly been connected to alleged doping operations at biogenesis an alleged miami-based alleged antiaging clinic allegedly. for that m.l.b. baseball suspended him a total of 211 games. otherwise known as what a single baseball game feels like. [ cheers and applause ]
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now, folks, baseball's confidentiality agreements make the facts of this case a bit of "he said, she said, then he flippedded out in a roid rage and punched a water heater" but the league's evidence against rodriguez is rumored to be damning. >> they probably have evidence that he tampered with the investigation and maybe even tampered with some of witnesses. >> they feel he not only violated the drug policy. he then tried to go around and buy up evidence against them. >> stephen: serious stuff. the league grew even more suspicious last summer when rodriguez won his 7th tour de france. personally, folks, i think the baseball's making a huge mistake here. a two-year suspension may sound like a lot to you and me but not to someone working so hard to live forever. rodriguez can just wait baseball out in his private hermetic chamber of fetal bovine serum. on a personal note my thoughts
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go out to arod. i'm sure he'll have a tough time being away from the game he loves while continuing to play through his appeal and collecting $61 million in guaranteed salary even if his career is over. but remember thanks to biogenesis he has to spread that $61 million out over the next 2,000 years. of course, folks, baseball is not the only hot-weather game. as you know, every summer on this show i announce what sport we are all going to be obsessed with. in years past it was timber sports, canoe dancing, dressage, and the short-livedded horse canoe-chopping. well, get ready, folks, because this summer we are all going to be into the hottest new game out there. combat juggling. [ cheers and applause ] kids love this. kids love combat juggling. now, i know combat juggling sounds complicated so let me break it down for you. it's juggling plus combat.
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jim? >> what a move there. (screaming). >> stephen: booyah! [ cheers and applause ] oh, baby! [ cheers and applause ] that is some primo come-jug. you just got served, one imagines. folks, this is the sport for you if you've ever seen someone juggling and thought, "man, i'd like to punch that guy." and make no mistake, folks. com-jug is hard core. combatants must disrupt their opponent's juggling by throwing a club high in the air and attacking them before catching their club and resuming a three-club juggle combining the skill of mixed marshal arts with
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the high-stakes excitement of a fourth grade birthday party. folks, there are so many great com-jug variations including zombie bomb cat and sumo combat where two jugglers try to force each other out of a circle and of course solo combat where you stay home kissing a pillow because the girls at school found out you do combat juggling. [ cheers and applause ] folks, i'm swept up in com-jug. i love it so much that i wish other street performances would add a combat element like caricature artist thunder dome. two men enter, one man leaves with a giant head hitting a golf ball off the empire state building or ultimate balloon animal wrestling where you not only have to pin your opponent but time him into a poodle. e,#ttp'1js xi @ bf7é')ia3;b!,x8=px
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight isy acclaimed british actor whose new blues album is called didn't it rain. will it be recorded in england? the answer is yes. please welcome hugh laurie. nice to meet you. thank you so much for coming on. i'm a huge fan.
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good to see you. >> likewise. stephen: thank you very much. well, this is going very well so far. >> yes. stephen: actor novelist musician, played dr. growing rehouse on the tv series house for how many seasons? >> eight. stephen: eight seasons, wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: okay. you also are amuse i cannian which i was not aware of. and you had a blues album already called, it was called "let them talk." >> yes. stephen: sold a million copies in this musical atmosphere you went in england triple platinum. [ cheers and applause ] i didn't know you could so much as whistle and you sold a million albums. >> whistling is my weakest suit. i have to whistle in one of the songs we do requires whistling and i cannot for the life. i just can't do it. >> stephen: why did you agree to do it then if you can't do it? >> not only did i agree to it. i volunteered that. why would i do that?
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i don't know. it was sort of a strange, self-destructive. >> stephen: blues whistling. some of the great delta whistlers. >> you don't hear so much of it now. >> stephen: not so much anymore. not from me. stephen: why is a white english guy -- i assume you're white because of everything you've done. i don't see race. but anyway, why are you recording the blues? that is the great black american art form. >> it is. it is. that's absolutely correct. >> stephen: are you coming to apologize? >> i will concede that i appear to be monumentally unsuit for this task. however, this is music that i have loved since i was... i suppose being english i could be trying to sing records of gilbert and sullivan or duran, duran. >> stephen: or gilbert and duran. >> the whistling brother. but they just didn't touch me the way this music touched me.
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when i was very, very young. it's music i've loved all my life. >> stephen: you have a new album called "didn't it rain"? you can see it's on the cover playing a very, very small piano. adorable. do you have to live the blues to play the blues? because i always heard you've got to live the blues. to play the blues. >> well, obviously i'm going to say no because that's the position i'm in. >> stephen: yeah. you're an international star who was until last year the highest paid man in a drama. that's not exactly sharecropping. >> no. you're absolutely right. i was handsomely compensated. >> stephen: and a handsome man as well. >> thank you for that. stephen: you're welcome. [ cheers and applause ] >> but here's what i would say. my point is that to me this music, i would hate for this music to be just put in a box of
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sort of a sociological category of american folk music that is only... it omahas meaning because of the experience and the period from which it grew. i think of this music as high art, as high as this... some broke singing don giovanni down the road. >> stephen: since you played house for so long, do you still have the prescription pad by any chance? because i could go for some like vicodin or... >> i actually do have a stock of the relevant stationery. i really do. >> stephen: did you take it and think, "you know, this might come in handy later if i lose everything." >> i suppose i was thinking charming memento, but as you say it could come in handy if things go south. >> stephen: do you sing on these albums? >> i do. stephen: do you sing with an english accent or an american accent? >> i'm not really aware... i
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don't consciously do it but i think i think with an american accent. >> stephen: you kind of get into house and then... (laughing) what's the first step for you to conquer the american accent because for an american to do like a british accent you have to first get in the mind set of like, you know, beans and dried fish is is a great breakfast. you know? >> actually i would say, i think that's not fair. i think breakfast is one of the things we do do well, almost as well as you do it over here. it's a great bond between england and america. we understand breakfast. >> stephen: i understand. i apologize. >> thank you. stephen: i apologize. jazz is the america's greatest gift to the world. >> i would say jazz is america's greatest gift. >> stephen: really? not to denigrate other gifts. blues i think of as a sub set of jazz. >> stephen: all right. you know what england's greatest gift to the world is?
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america. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. stephen: hugh laurie. the album is "didn't it rain"? we'll be right back. ¢-2 s$óñ
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, thank you so much. folks, it's no secret i love television and unless you're watching this online tomorrow, you do too. and if you are watching this online tomorrow, remind me to pick up my dry cleaning because i'm pretty sure i think i will have forgotten. of course, especially i love base i believe cable and my network comedy central, which is part of mtv networks whose parent company is viacom which is wholly owned by dr. sinister.
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good luck blowing up the sun, sir, we're all pulling for you. keep those checks coming. but sadly someone is trying to horn in on basic cable's turf because the four major broadcast meth works have petitioned the f.c.c. to loosen indecency rulings which limit foul language and and deshuns of nudity and sex. do you know what this could mean? they may start talking about sex and boobs on two broke girls. instead of household budgeting which is what i assume the show is about. what's behinds the change? well, thanks to the rise of cable tv, the internet and video games, abc cbs fox and nbc say that the rules are archaic because the networks have lost so much cultural clout. how right they are. they simply cannot compete with that bastion of clout and culture known as basic cable home of such some physician ticketed cultural fare such as
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the symposium on the ancient dynasty of duck. and the channel of learning's informative series -- and this is for real -- the man with the 132-pound scrotum. every he episode is a cliff hanger. now, folks, i fear... [ cheers and applause ] i fear that network audiences are simply unprepared for the rich cultural feast we serve up in cable. for instance, here it is. i hold in my hand an actual -- and i can't impress upon you enough -- actual glossary of terms approved for use by my employers at viacom. it is words such as these that the broadcast networks are spending vast amounts of time and money to have the legal right to say on our nation's air waves. joining me now to give life to this cultural document is award-winning british person and recovering network star sir hugh laurie. [ cheers and applause ]
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sir hugh. >> balls. nutsack. bang, banging bitches. circle jerk. oochie juice. deush bag, dry hump, god-damn, goddamit. >> hammer, hand job. depending on context.
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[bleep] stephen: i'm sorry. you're not allowed to say that one. >> no? stephen: that's off limits. you said circle jerk. stephen: i know. but instead of [bleep] that's off the network. you have to say that one. >> whack my bag. stephen: titties. man-tits. pecker. penis. sitting on your face. >> stephen: you know what? you know what, hugh? why don't you take this next one. >> oh, no, i wouldn't dream of it. you please. >> stephen: you're the guest. all right. thumb in butt. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> stephen: thumb in butt. (together: thumb in butt. >> stephen: so, broadcast networks, good luck with your cultural appeal. you can whack my bag any time. we'll be right back. xi @ bf7é')ia3;b!,x8=px
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: that's it for the report, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the daily show, my name is john oliver. i'm still here, unfortunately, for jon stewart who is currently attempting to break the world record for smashing the most watermelons with his head in under two minutes. he's-- (laughter) es he's good. he spent the time well. my guest tonight author of a new book about the life of riply's believe if or not creator robert riply neal thompson is here. but before we left last week we discussed how ridiculous it was that the 2016 si


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