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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 8, 2013 7:25pm-7:56pm PDT

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hint of homoswullity in an event where you either win a skin-tight leotard or sparkly tuxedo for your ice ballet. come on, come on, now. is there nothing else that led america to this. >> president obama is cancelling his meeting with russia's president putin over tensions becausest n.s.a. leaker edward snowden. >> john: yes, that is clearly the only reason. it's-- it's always a good idea to pad out with what you really want to say with self-righteous human rights stuff like, "kimberly, we need a break. i don't like your stance on chine and tibetan monks and your boobs are weirding me out." if we want snowden back all we need to do is convince vladimir putin that snowden is gay. that away wayhe'llob a plane into u.s. custody faster than a definitely not homoerotic team
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of elastic clad men. that quick. actually, russia is not only global leadership story we're dealing with tonight which brins us to our new segment... indeed. now, we've already dealt with russia, so let's see where our magical dploab will take us next egypt! egypt. i just lift egypt. i'm not-- i'm not used to guns. ( laughter ) as the situation in egypt continues to devolve, the u.s. like a polar bear on a hastily melting glackier is trying to act like everything's still cool. ( laughter ) a couple of weeks ago, we discussed how, due to an
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unhelpful u.s. law we are unable to call the egyptian military takeover of their government a coup because if we utter the diplomatically offensive "c" word we will no longer be able to send egypt aid, our only nonmissile-based move. don't worry. since then we've come up with an ingenious solution. >> law does not require us to make a formal determination. that is a review we have undergone, as to whether coup took place and it is not in our national interest to make such a determination. >> john: yshes because you forgot. our other. ilomatic move. the law says we have to cut off aid if there is a coup, but it doesn't say we have to know what a coup is. ignorance and diplomatic bliss. clearly, this is a very delicate situation, both physically and linguistically, and that isçó wr
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the whiteh%use dispatched its "a" team. >> republicans john mccain and lindsey graham through to cairo at president obama's ridiculous. >> john: i'm sorry, did i say dispatched their "a" team? they dispatched a team. ( applause ). let's be fair, these are two very seasoned politicians. all they really have to do is not say the word "coup." >> the circumstances of the former government president's removal were a coup. >> john: nailed it! another let's move on to our next country. and who is it? yes. italy! the country's been grappling with two problems recently, a sphieralling economy and what to do with the former leader who is responsible for it. >> the italian prime minister is no stranger to scandal. >> charges of bribery,
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corruption, tax fraud, and embezzlement. >> tales of lavish ornlies. >> night of bonga-bonga parties. >> oh, yes, berlusconi, a one-man chemically induced boner. last year, the real-life leather face was convicted of tax fraud, but we know historically just because he's convicted of something, by no means, means that he's going to jail. in the past, he's been charged with bribery, tax fraud, abuse of office, and sex with an underaged prostitute, just to name a few, and he still has not gone to jail so the inexplicable acquittal should be coming request moment now. >> country's supreme court upheld the former prime minister's four-year prison sentence on thursday. >> john: they upheld it? ( laughter ) really? so after all the other crap he's pulled, they're locking him up for tax fraud? that's like putting darma away for failing a kitchen health
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inspection. don't think about that too much. it looks like your luck has finally run out, silvio. you'll be training in the pinstripes for prison streeps. >> he's likely going to be performing community service or have to live under house arrest. >> house arrest, by the way, in the vail, seaside estate, or the pilatso in rome. >> john: another not so much house arrest as mansion arrest. they must have felt house arrest is just as good as prison when your palazzo is actually the size of an actual prison. so he's not going to jail. surely his political career is at lowest over. >> a lower court had banned him from holding public office for five years. that was lowered to three. >> public prosecutor had suggested that than reduced to a three-month ban. >> john: a three-month ban. on politics. that's not a sentence. that's a vacation. you know who i feel sorry for in all of this eyent can't believe i'm saying-- this aside from the actual victims of berlusconi's
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crime, i actually feel bad for anthony weiner mean didn't even have sex with anyone when his career is over without even a single banga. one last shot at the global. who are we going to get? great britain. you have to work better than that. you have to work better. great britain. great britain, land that i left. so what is happening at number 10 downing street? the british prime minister david cameron, meanwhile, cracking down on internet pornography. >> john: he's doing what? where's my passport? i'm setting fire to it. how on earth are you supposed toin' jack if destroy all the uk's popular pornographic sites, right? ( cheers and applause ) i'm talking about sites such as
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double-decker bang bus. ( bleep ) palace. you'll notice that our fake name web site there is ( bleep )palace.net and that's because the dot-com and dot uk version had been taken but the dot net version belongs to us. in case you're wondering, beefeaters.com also exists but it sells dog treats. thees a fact. that's a fact. now david cameron's proposed ban is disiepped to combat child pornography, which everyone, everyone is in favor of a ban for that. unfortunately, the effect of the law will be to shut off all pornography to british people and this is how it's going to work. >> there are some searches where people should be given clear routes out of that search to legitimate sites on the web. let me give you an example.
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if someone is typing in "child" and "sex" there should come up a list of options. "do you mean child sex education? do you mean child gender?" similarly donkey punch will produce wholesome videos of donkeys being punched in face. also, cleveland steamer of produce images of a steamship on the glorious ohio river taking a dump on someone. to be fair to the british leader, there is a built-in we around this ban. >> all internet users will have to say cl weather they want to have access to porn. >> you have to opt in, not opt out. >> john: see? all you have to do is tell your service provider you want porn, and that will give you porn. it's simple. which leads me to my new one-man show "a british person orders pornography." ( cheers and applause ) ( clears throat ) hello? is this the internet division?
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sorry to be a bother. i was just wondering if i could-- to-- if you could flip the switch that makes the um-- when a man and woman love each other very much, less love, more transaction-- yes, yes. the spankings package. that is what i want. that's what i'm calling for. thank you, a good day to you sir. i said good day! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. e,#ttp'1
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( cheers and applause ) welcome back. i want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for tuning in tonight because, frankly, wal know what time of year it is. >> shark week. it's a bad week to be a seal. >> john: that's right. it's "shark week" the seven-day celebration of the ocean's greatest predator, thanks to great shark pioneers like martin
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luther fin and the legendary recovery shocks. she would not swim to the back of the tank. she would not do it. and this year, discovery channel kicked the week off with a truly amazing documentary. >> megalaton, the serial killer of the seas. what you are witnessing are the actual events as they unfolded. >> i saw a big shadow behind me, and the cage started shaking like crazy. >> what the hell is going on back here. >> the cage is done. >> did you see that. >> the cage is gone. >> john: wow the discovery channel actually discovered something. they found an actual living, previously thought to be and i think megaladon. they're going to get some nobel prize for fishing. unless-- i'm sorry, i'm hearing there is late-breaking news. >> there's a "shark week" controversy or should we say shark-row-versey.
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>> john: no, you should never say that, those words should never pass your face, unless maybe before going on air you read your script and say who put shark-row-versey in my ( bleep ) script. having said that, i have to ask, what is the shark-row-versey. >> the meguladon is and i think. this wasn't israeli a documentary, but a dramatization, if you will, a fake documentary. they did run a disclaimer on the show for, like, three seconds. >> we're going to lose it. ( laughter ). >> john: wait, wait! you faked a two-hour show, and your disclaimer was three seconds at the end? you know no one saw those blinking lights on the bottom of the screen, don't youuc becauset end of the show they were too busy calling their fleems saying, "get the hell out of ocean! get out of the swimming pool! get out of the vodka! there's a monster shark! there's a monster shark!" that
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level of diplicity, discovery must be pretty ashamed of themselves. i am sure they issued a mega-la-pol gee. >> they almost flaunted the fact that they duped viewers put the poll on their web site showing 73% of people believed this monster shark still existed. >> john: why did everyone think that? because you said they were real. the fact that 73% of people believe you doesn't make themñi stupid. it makes them trusty good people. it's actually heartwarming to me that many of them believe you, given that you're the network behind shows like "amish mauve qa" and "marijuanañr porn weed country" as well as "nakedçó and afraid-- where you can learn to catch fish with your vagina. discovery knows give a woman a fish and she'll eat for a day. heech terhad fish with her vagina and you have
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>> john: welcome back, my guest tonight an actor who wrote, directed and starred in her new film called "in a world." >> welcome to the jungle gym. >> who did? you did. they want your voice on the trailer, carol. >> but i'm a tech. >> yeah, i know. the studio said they feel it's a modern quirky choice. >> a what?
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>> and that you're perfect for the genre. >> a romantic comedy is a genre now? >> who cares. you just took a huge job. >> i did. >> i say next up, lemon drop shots on me. >> are you excited or trying to fart? >> john: please welcome lake bell. ( cheers and applause ) first off, on a side note, children's hospital is fantastic. >> oh, okay. >> jon: it is so good. >> thank you. >> jon: secondly, congratulations. this movie is also great. >> thank you.
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i appreciate that. >> john: it is quite touching and it is slightly ridiculous. everything you look for in a movie. >> yes, that is it. >> john: everything you need in one movie. >> that's all you need. >> john: you wrote, directed and starred in it. i have watched some of the interviews and people seem inherently surprised. what they say that to you, there is a high tone of voice. is it that surprising? you are talented. it is possible to do those three things. don't inherit misogyny-- oh, you did three things and you did them well. >> i had a reporter actually say to me right before i was sitting down, i was getting ready to go to a screening and a q & a, and i wanted to talk to the productionist to make sure the levels were right and that it was going to play at the right sound. i said, "hey, i was wondering if you could play it at dolby 7." >> and the reporter said, "look at you. it's like you're a real director. >> john: ( bleep ) you. >> i'm not kidding. >> john: ( bleep ). >> i'm not kidding. we're about to sit down and talk
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about my movie. buddy, throw me a bone. >> john: the other great thing about it-- you won a screenwriting award. >> that's right ( cheers and applause ) >> john: do you get a statue of a golden robert redford for that? what do they give you? >> that would be so good! that could be good more the mantle. it's more of a glass it's so embarrassing because i did keep waiting for it. of course, awards mean nothing and we shouldn't care about them, but i was really jazzed. i was excited. >> john: also this movie tackles something which is both a funny problem and actual problem, and that is the existence of the sexy baby voice. >> yes, oh, yes. it is sweeping our nation. our young women. you know the sexy baby... which we're all away of. it exists. >> john: i find that troubling in two ways. one, i find it troubling that women think men are attracted to
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sexy baby voices and i'm even more troubled if they actually are. "yeah, sexy baby. wait. what did i just say?" >> well, there's nothing sexy about a baby, obviously, i thought-- look, keep it to yourself. i really-- yeah, i thought it was an interesting sort of virus that was sweeping the nation, and i say it with great respect because i am a woman, and i have younger sisters and i am glad that they have a nice voice and that it's a real voice. it's not that it's a bad voice. it's a dialect people are putting on. >> john: it's a fake sexy baby. natural sexy baby i have no problem with. let me take that sentence immediately back and swallow it. fake sexy baby, no one wants that. >> no one needs it. >> jon: you trained in london. >> i did. >> jon: the arts. >> i really got into it, yes. >> jon: when people hear "london," they think of a glamorous movie. they don't think of where you actually were.
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( laughter ) which-- >> and being english. >> john: that's right, that's right. i've lost it. i've been away too long. oh, ( bleep ). what's happened to me! ( cheers and applause ) yeah, you were in bedford. >> i was in bedford gliewn that's pretty good! you don't even know how good that is. >> i like the validations. yeah, i lived above a chip shop. i think i need a modicum of credit for that. >> john: that's almost offensive, though. you living above a chip shop is like me moving inside a hot dog stand. yeah, this is where you people live, isn't it? this is what you do. what did you think of southeast london? >> i actually loved it. that was my favorite accent because i felt it was the most real. i remember-- >> john: like talking from the 17th century.
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>> but it has a great attitude, and i'm from new york so i'm kind of-- i felt more comfortable in that space. i mean, i am from the upper east side so it doesn't really work. it's not hard as nails up there, but you know. >> john: as a southeast londoner let me say the movie is wicked, mate. you got to check out this flick, mate. >> go and see it. >> john: this film is-- "in a world" premieres on friday. lake bell! ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) gliewn that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> there was something fishy going on in the subway last night. a surprise strap hanger sent new york 1 the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
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(yhi [ techno music plays ] ♪ dave ♪ dave ♪ dave chappelle's a funny ♪ funny guy [ tires screech ] what the [bleep] are you doing?! you gotta get outta my car. i'm serious! [ tires squeal ] that crazy dancin' makin' my penis soft. [ laughter ]
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[ hip-hop music plays ] now, that is what i call dancin'! you should've seen the girl that was sittin' there before you. whoo! oh, snap! there she go right there! ugh! [ laughing ] oh, i'm gettin' ready to crash, girl! hold on! whoo! ladies and gentlemen, dave chappelle! [ cheers and applause ] yes! thank you. thank you. thank you. oh, man, no. welcome to this thing that we call "chappelle's show." this is the very first episode. i finally got my own show. and, i mean, i'm serious when i say this is my show. this is my show -- i can show y'all whatever i want. as a matter of fact, i'll show you a little bleeper -- blooper.