tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central August 22, 2013 1:00am-1:36am PDT
- wendy? - [panting] i'm finished! - hey, s-somebody call the principal! - [sniffling] you don't have to say anything. i know how it is. i'm no longer the cool kid. now you all think i'm a faaaaag. [crying] my school life is over 'cause now all the guys don't think i'm coooooool. [sobbing] - dude, we never thought you were cool. - that's not true. you're just saying that. - no, really. we've always thought you suck. - yeah, nothing's changed. our opinion of you can't possibly go any lower. - [sniffling] you're all just saying that to make me feel better.
- no, it's true. we've always hated you. - yeah. - don't try and make me feel better, you guys! it isn't... wait, wait a minute. why would you guys be saying stuff to make me feel better? unless...unless you do think i'm cool. - what? - if you're all trying to make me feel better, then you must still like me! oh, oh, whew! oh, here i've been so worried about what you guys were gonna think of me getting beat up by a girl, and it turns out you think i'm cool no matter what! oh! oh, god, what a relief! ha-ha! yay! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com captioning sponsored by comedy central
(cheers and applause) >> john: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is john oliver, i'm still here for jon stewart who, due to a comical mixup, is currently hosting "the doily show" america's greatest satirical lace centerpiece program. (laughter) he is eviscerating that lace work and that's a direct copy quote. our guest tonight is senator rand paul, he's going to be with us. (cheers and applause) he's also where we begin tonight. what has senator paul been up to? >> senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. >> he has planned to visit south carolina and nevada. >> tomorrow he headlines a g.o.p. dinner new hampshire. >> i know rand paul, i think he'll run in 2016. >> what stands between the paul dynasty and 2016? >> well, i'll tell you the first thing that stands between them, three (bleep)ing years!
(laughter) that's over 50 new iphones from now. (laughter) why are we talking about this election? that brings us to yet another installment of "can't you at least wait until jon stewart comes back?" (laughter) seriously! this is my last week doing this! it's not just that the media is already ramping up their 2016 coverage, it's this some of them are already trying to wind it down. >> i predict the hard right is going to take over the republican party in 2016 and the nomination is going to rand paul. you watch. this is what i do for a living. >> jon: ooh! (laughter) really? because all this time i thought you were paid to spit on a camera lens. (laughter) but, look, if making sound predictions is what chris matthews does for a living then he may have a bit of a problem because finding soundbites of people saying things that directly contradict the claim they've just made, that's what
we do for a living. (cheers and applause) so off the top of my head, who did chris matthews see going all the way to the white house in 2008? >> let me ask you about rudy giuliani. i believe he's not only running, i think he's going to win this whole thing come around the next election. >> jon: that's right, yeah. you remember him? current president rudy giuliani? (laughter) you remember the formidable contender in the 2008 election who won in the primaries only one more delegate than i did. (laughter) but look, let's be fair. that was a whole presidential election ago. everyone is allowed a mulligan and matthews made up for that by completely nailing his prediction for who would win the republican primaries in 2012. >> you watch bachmann. she's got the action this time. she stands for something -- she's going all the way. she's going to win this thing. >> really? >> i tell you right now. i predict she beats trump.
>> john: it's what he does for a living. (laughter) is he a psychic or a time traveler? either way, we must burn him as a witch. chris matthews doesn't just routinely have egg on his face, he has a chicken cop ago squat over his face, laying an egg between his eyes, (bleep)ing on that egg, punting the egg and then rubbing it all over his face. (applause) look, america, america, look at me. our elections do not need to take as long as they currently do. there is another way. and the proof of that have is right under your feet-- through several layers across the mud, australia. >> prime minister kevin rudd has put an end to weeks of speculation, he's called an election for september 7. >> john: the whole election season is just one month long. four weeks! that's like only three new iphones from now! (laughter) you know what that means? we need to launch our full coverage of down-under-cision 2013. (laughter) (as an australian)
that's not a campaign, this is a campaign! brought to you by koalas. koalas, like if teddy bears were alive and surprisingly aggressive. koalas. australia might have something to teach us when it comes to democracy starting with this: >> in australia, they have a compulsory voting system so everyone is required to register to vote and to turn out to vote and if they don't they're fined. >> that's right, it's illegal not to vote there. they spend a huge amount of time and energy getting people to the polls rather than spending time, energy, and a supreme court decision preventing them. (laughter) but you might think, "hold on, john, if our elections were just four weeks we wouldn't have all the fun of watching the human gaffer launches on the campaign trail." (laughter) here's the thing: you're wrong. name a great campaign moment and australia will get to it this month. aunt clumsy on-camera prattful by a candidate? check.
>> one of their favorite past times during campaigns is to kiss babies and he tried to do that yesterday, he went in for the kiss but at the last minute the mother turned away and he ended up putting his lips on the back of the mother's head. it was a crazy moment. >> jon: oh! yes, yes that's a creepy moment. kissing the back of a woman's head. but ask yourself this: is it really any creepier than a stranger pressing his lips against the head of a non-consenting baby? because that actually seems just as creepy to me. it's not just physical slipups, it's also verbal atrocities. like rick perry's inability to name the third of the three departments he was going to eliminate. we all remember where we were when that happened. i was here, watching t.v. thanking god for the existence of rick perry. (laughter) well, don't worry, australia's got you covered there, too. meet the liberal party's jaymes diaz and his six-point plan to stop illegal boat immigration. >> we have a plan, a six-point
plan to make sure that we do stop the boats. >> could you run through the six points? >> well, i can run through the details of the points. the main thing is -- >> the six points. the six points are? >> well -- one of the points is -- the key point will be stopping the boats. (laughter) >> john: of course it is! point one of his six-point stop the boat plan is naturally stop the boats. (laughter and applause) now, look, in america -- here in america the reporters probably would have left it there thinking "job done, the man has been completely humiliated." in australia they only have one month of this electoral buffet so this reporter-- how should i put it-- he tossed another question on the barbie. >> what were the other five points? (laughter) >> well, look, it is under the labour party -- >> the other five points? >> well, i've answered your question. >> you've said stop the boats. you said there was a six point plan. what about the other five
points? >> well, we have a plan to stop the boats and i've answered that. >> no other points? (laughter) >> john: help him! somebody help him! look, i'll tell you, point two is this: hey, everybody, oh, my god, look, a mouse riding a cat! then you run away! and if you think australia doesn't also make time to throw in a fun sexting sideshow allah anthony weiner a.k.a. senior danger. ♪ danger, danger (cheers and applause) if you think, that you are about to be very unpleasantly surprised. >> a queensland m.p. caught up in a sexting scandal sent text messages containing lewd photographs of himself to his mistress including one of his penis in a glass of red wine. (laughter and applause) >> john: that is disgusting! you do not pair a penis with red wine!
(laughter and applause) you want something lighter, crisper to offset the nuttyer notes of the penis. (laughter) plus, it's almost impossible to get red wine stains out of a penis. believe me. (laughter) he's going to have to soak that thing in club soda for hours. (laughter) so in just four weeks australia already has a rick perry and an anthony weiner. of course, the real test, does it have a right wing woman thrust into a national political spotlight she's not only unprepared for but at times seems to barely comprehend. (laughter) what i'm asking is does australia have a snarp >> a mother accused of an anti-muslim contamination scare at a shopping center will stand as a one nation candidate at next month's election. >> i don't oppose islam as a country but i do feel that their laws should not be welcome here in australia. less than 2% of australians follow haram. >> or the koran as the islamic
text is known. (laughter) >> john: she's not just sarah palin, she's a turbo palin! (laughter) that woman is stephanie bannister, not only does she think islamic law is called haram which is a misuse of a muslim term for simple behavior, she also thinks islam is a country. perhaps in the mistaken belief that the nation of islam is an actual nation. (as an australian) they can dress however they like over there but as an australian i don't want to be forced to wear a bow tie. or as we call in the australia, a twizzley choker. (laughter) bannister has set a new watermark, a new low watermark for electoral ignorance. >> kosher food for jewish australians are fine. >> jews under haram they have their own religion which follows jesus christ. >> judaism rejects yes us is christ. >> australia, you truly are a nation of criminals without was w that magnificent soundbite you
just stole my heart! (laughter and applause) that interview took place last week and there's been an important development since then. >> stephanie bannister has now pulled out of the race. >> she's like pure uncut palin. she quit a job she didn't even have yet! you see, that is why the concept of a four-week election is so attractive. it speeds everything up. week one: candidate announces. week two: she says something stupid. week three: she's smacked down by the press. week four: she withdraws. week five: there is no week five and nobody ever hears from her ever again! we can have this, too, america! if we all just agree not to say another (bleep)ing word about the 2016 election. here, look, i've set an alarm clock here for 2016. when that goes off, everyone is
grow up! now not nerve the medical community is a big fan of it, but last thursday that may have changed thanks to america's favorite doctor-- not him-- (laughter) i'm talking about the real mcdreamy. >> dr. sanjay gupta changes his mind on weed. >> sanjay, you were very critical of medical marijuana for a long time. you've changed your mind. tell us why. >> john: whoo! sanjay gupta getting on the mary jane train! chief medical correspondent of the cannabis news network! (laughter) smoking some weed with aaron burnout and wolf blitz-her. isanj, what changed your mind about the ganj? >> we've been terribly and systematically misfled this country for some time. i took the d.e.a. at their word when they said it's a schedule 1 substance and has no medical application. >> john: wait, you took the drug enforcement agency at their board? is there any other medical
misinformation that you may still believe just because someone told you? you know you don't actually go blind from jacking it, right? (laughter) because i just found that out two weeks ago and it's turned my life around. anyway, dr. g., please continue your report on weed! what's next? a report on tasty money chis? >> very early studies on mice have showing the potential of mare wan unanimous to kill cancer cells. he's using marijuana to help him with the pain and nausea from chemotherapy. residents leer using marijuana for pain, loss of appetite, parkinson's and dementia. (laughter) >> john: oh, right, because marijuana has real medical benefits and can be prescribed by doctors. in fact, dispensaries sell different strengths to treat different problems and, on that note, if you want this drug and its medical benefits to be taken
seriously how about adulting up the maze a little bit. that way a sick old man doesn't have to a quarter ounce of rainbow diesel funkadelic cheddar harmony. (laughter) just a suggestion. but i have to give cnn credit where it's due. sanjay gupta coped to his error, the weed special talked about the legitimate uses of marijuana and they answered the question that no one has been asking: what's piers morgan like when he's high? >> i'm going to make a shocking revelation here. i tried cannabis when i was a younger lad and i've also had to have vicodin when i broke some ribs falling off a segue in santa monica. i can tell you, it was the vicodin which i was prescribed by my doctor which gave me a massively higher high than the cannabis ever did. >> john: okay, this is important. i would like to personally offer $10,000 in reward to anyone who can bring me footage of piers
>> john: welcome back, my guest tonight representing the great state of kentucky, his latest book out in paper back is called "government bullies, how everyday americans are being harassed, abused and imprisoned by the feds." please welcome back to the show senator rand paul! (applause) senator, thank you for being with us this evening. i'm not going to ask you if you are running for president because it's the year 2013 so i don't care. i don't care. >> and the alarm clock has not gone off. >> john: that's right, exactly. >> you know, i'm really excited to be on the john oliver show.
it's great to have your own show. >> john: you don't want to be excited about that. that's your first lie. so instead -- (laughter) -- instead, let's talk about the affordable care act. you are for it or against it, i forget? (laughter) >> i'm afraid it's going to be unaffordable and this's the real problem. i'm afraid everyone will pay a lot more for insurance and i think precisely the people it was intended to help it may well hurt because they may not be able to afford it because the president has mandated that the insurance cover so many things that i think it would be very expensive. >> john: that's what's interesting to me. because no one -- 40 votes against obamacare no one could accuse republicans of being in favor of this. you've left all your contempt out on the field with this one. yet why does it matter so much? is it the man skate in is that what you have this kind of religious objection to? >> well, the thing is, i think we all want more people to have
health care. we all want more people to have insurance. but we think the opposite will happen. i tell people that there's always the -- in washington people have good intentions and i don't really begrudge the democrats and i don't say their motives are bad, i just say that what they are trying to do the opposite will happen. and it's kind of because we have this -- it's -- i call it the dinosaur syndrome. we have a lot of politicians that have really small brains and really big hearts and they want to do what's right but i don't think it's going to work. >> john: right. and i'm not sitting across from a diplodonkus? >> exactly right. there's only certain politicians. >> john: but you're always intellectually consistents when it comes to the banks. let the banks fail, let the market correct itself. what is tens of millions of americans being uninsured if it's not market failure? >> well, the market has failed in health care but because of too much government not too little government. i'll give you two examples.
i'm an eye surgeon. in my practice there were two things that insurance didn't cover that the price went down every year: lasik surgery to get rid of glasses went from $2,000 an eye to less than $500 an eye because of competition. competition brings down prices. contact lenses. i sold contact lenses at prices that wal-mart did not because i wanted to but because i had to compete. my patients went to wal-mart. so competition brings down prices. what happened in health care is we connected it to employment and what happened over time, deductibles got lower and low sore gould to the hospital and have heart surgery, your bill would be $100,000 and your mouthwash would cost $55 and you'd go "that's ridiculous." but you didn't have to pay it so you didn't care about the price and you didn't bring prices down because you didn't care about what the cost of things were. >> john: as you say in your book you're a dissignable for smaller government but is there a part of health care where government should step in where business is
not doing it? the businesses had decades of opportunity to ensure people and it has chosen not to. >> well,, no 85% of people have insurance. so 15% didn't. so what you need do is look at who are the 15% and why don't they have insurance? of the 15% who didn't have insurance, half of them made more than $50,000. why didn't they buy insurance? because of the expense. they were young, healthy people. so here's the problem. you have a young audience and you tell them "oh, you must buy insurance" but they say "well, i make $30,000 a year but your insurance costs $15,000, how's the mandate going to work?" let's say they're one of five employees for a small business, there's no insurance, how do they buy insurance if they make $30,000 and the insurance costs $15,000? they need the opposite. they don't need low deductibles, they need high deductibles, they need insurance for catastrophes because young people unlikely to get ill, they need it for the rare occasion, not the everyday occasion. >> john: how do you balance out
the free market's goal-- to make money-- with the society goal to stop people from dying? because those two things are often at odds. >> well, the thing is, you have to ask yourself what distributes the most amount of goods at the cheapest price? and that's voluntary exchange. so, for example, everybody needs bread. you need bread and water just as much as you need health care, if not more. so in the soviet union they said -- they'd give bread to everyone and they would set the price of bread. but they would set it at 80 cents a loaf and the market would say it's a dollar and there'd be no bread. the store shelves would be empty so really the allocation, the central allocation by central authorities deciding how to distribute health care is an inefficient way. give you an example: you've been to britain? (laughter) you've been there. >> john: i'm never going back, i'll tell you that! i like it here! >> you know why? because you'll wait in line. >> no, that's not why. (laughter) that is genuinely not why. if i get sick, i'll get on a
comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here is your moment of zen. >> fish are biting in the water of sweden. >> it's known for crushing nuts and fish with its powerful jaws. but get this: the fish can also captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes, welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you, with a greeting like that, i could do this all night or at least twice. of laugh nation, america is losing the battle against mary jane. this year new hampshire and illinois legalized medical marijuana bringing the to 20 the number of states where