tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central August 22, 2013 6:50pm-7:26pm PDT
[laughter] if you'll notice, there's 23 items, on that page. and if you notice the bird, is spitting out three at a time. 3 minus 2, 1 plus 2, 23. [laughter] you see the head on the ground, there's teeth in there. i see seven teeth. 7 minus 6 is one, plus 22, is 23. [laughter] he's showing up 6 fingers, 23 -- [laughter] knock it off. next week, the risky business girls stop by for a web redemption. ♪ oh! good news. they're hot. bad news. they're 15. hey, make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. check out my tour schedule and make sure you keep up with our daily blog at comedycentral.com/tosh.o. before we go, let's get to the
least important part of the show, you, the fans. [laughter] here's some of your twitter questions. great show. will i see any vomiting this season? what happened to showing someone throw up on every episode? where is the damn puke? how come no puke? ryan writes, hey [bleep] face, don't forget what got you a second season in the first place. where's all the puke? who is hungry? see you next week. good night! [applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes, welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you, with a greeting like that, i could do this all night or at least twice. of laugh nation, america is losing the battle against mary jane. this year new hampshire and illinois legalized medical marijuana bringing the to 20 the number of states where
your pharmacist will soon look like this. (laughter) the dude prescribes. (laughter) and folks, the war on nugs used to have a strong ally on cnn's dr. sanjay gupta who opposed legalizing pot until now. >> i want to remind you that in 2009 you wrote a "time" magazine article entitled why i would vote no on pot. you changed your mind. >> i have. and as part of, you know, my thinking, the reason, i have apologized for some of the earlier reporting because i think, you know, we've been terribly and systemically mislead in this country for some time. and i did part of that misleading. >> stephen: wait a second, we were misinformed by a cable news doctor? (laughter) next you'll tell me i can't get directions to my cousin's house from fareed zakaria's gps. come on fareed, less on syria, more on how i get to
where greg lives. (laughter) it's bad enough that is an jay gupta or as i now call him ganja soupta, okay-- (laughter) a global, global teen icon has gone over to the dank side. it's even more disturbing, folks, about s sanjay feeling those gupt vibrations is we have all seen what happens when he gets the munchies. >> this is stud bull penis, this deer penis, these are lamb testicles, russian dog penis. i wanted to order some tiger penis. can i order that here? >> stephen: really? is that really who you want to burn down with, america? (laughter) yeah, sure, you thought it was funny when your friend said dude, let's get the dog high. but how funny will it be when he says dude, let's eat the dog's penis. now who are the kids going to look up to at cnn?
wolf blitzer, you're our only hope. but at least, folks, there are some celebrities we can still look up to thanks to stories like this. >> john malkovich usually not cast as a hero but is being credited with helping safe a man, real life. the acker helped a 77-year-old man who tripped on the sidewalk and then slashed his throat on some scaffolding. widnesses say that malkovich ran over, applied pressure to the man's neck and waited for an ambulance. >> stephen: truly heroic. and it is malkovich so probably a little creepy. and he is not hollywood's only hero. >> there was no special effects. it was the real thing when actor ryan gosling clutched a woman from the path of a speeding taxist when a 17-year-old flipped his mustang t was patrick dempsey to the rescue prying the boy out. >> does tin hoffman the latest hollywood actor to turn hero. reporting hoffman saved a jogger's life in london's
hyde park. >> she was the one in distress, but when billionaire richard branson's caribbean estate went up in flames last summer t was winslet to the rescue, visiting she swooped up his 90-year-old mother and carried her to safety. >> i'm so glad branson's mom got out. he would have carried her himself but his back was occupied. (laughter) now folks with all these super star saviours i'm starting to think that people are putting themselves in danger just to meet celebrities. and i want in. now endangering my own life seems like the easiest way to do it. that is just-- the simplest solution is usually to slice your vein open with a razor and hope to get carried to the hospital by hugh jackman. i love you wolverine. (applause) so i got to say w that in
mind coy sure go for some soda pop. i will be right back, folks. excuse me, right back, right back. help, help, somebody famous. >> don't worry, boss, i'll get you out. >> jay what are you doing, you're not a celebrity. >> in world of war craft i'm a level 80 -- >> go away. >> help. >> stephen, stephen colbert? >> matt damon, thank god you're here. >> well, just walking by what happen toud, buddy, you okay. >> you mean other than the vending machine? >> no, no, i mean the vending machine. >> then no, i'm not okay. >> hang on, i'm going to get you out. >> this is so great. i've always wantsed to be saved by a big star. >> wow, somebody call 911.
>> you are big, right? >> yeah, however hollywood's measuring that this week. >> well, it's usually based on box office revenue, so what was your latest movie. >> promiseland. >> oh, the fracking movie. yeah, i like-- i-- i heard good things. >> i'm proud of it i cowrote it. >> yeah, yeah. >> so what kind of business did it do. >> you should probably stop talk. you're lossing a lot of blood, pal. >> that bad, huh? >> hey, listen, it was a labor of love, all right. it's not like one of the bourne movies. >> wow, and those bourne films were a few years ago now. what you have been doing lately? >> i will have you know that hbo is behind the candleabra with michael douglas received 15 emmy nominations. including for me. >> but that's tv. >> it's not tv, it's hbo. >> matt, it's tv. >> i'm talking about, you know, wide release, major markets, cgi, you know,
quality kill, movie. >> okay, okay. i didn't come here to do this. but-- i do have a movie coming out this weekend, actually. big summer movie called alysium. >> oh, i saw that trailer. that's a movie now. >> yeah, directed by the same guy that did district 9, neil blo m.c. am. >> oh, i love district 9. tell me about it. >> basically a movie set in the future. about a, you know, earth has become a third world planet and all of the rich people have moved off on to this orbital hab i at that time called alysium and we're all trying to get up there wince think we have a clip. do we need to set this up. >> no, no, just roll it. >> roll it, jimmy. >> hello? >> before we start i just would like to --
>> penal code 2219, 34 b. >> yes, exactly what i wanted to talk to you about. i believe there's been a misunderstanding. >> extension of parole by further 8 months. >> no, those, i request explain what happened. i just made a joke. and you know -- >> stop talking. >> elevation and heart rate detect. would you like a pill. >> no. >> thank you. >> what i would like to do -- >> stop talking, personality-- adjusts 78.3% transof-- chance of regression to old pattern, grand theft auto, a with a deadly rep, resisting arrest. would you like to talk to a human. >> no, i am okay, thank you. >> are you being sarcastic or abusive. >> negative. >> qheers plaus. >> kind of dark for me but from what i could see looked really good. >> thanks. any funny stories from the set? >> well, yeah, actually we shot in the world's second
largest garbage dump so we actually had one location that we nick named poo river. you can probably figure out why. hey, stephen? hey -- >> what's jodi foster like. >> she's just awesome. such a prompt i've been waiting my whole life to work with her, it was pretty exciting. >> well, matt, the movie looks great, opening august 9th. i can't wait to go see it as soon as you get this vending machine off my internal organs. >> oh, yeah, sorry. i'm sorry, that's rude. hold on i will take off. i got to-- hello, yup, no, it's me -- >> i got -- >> wait what? i'm on my way. i really have to go, jimmy kimmel got his head stuck in a mayonnaise jar. i got to go help him out. i'm coming, jimmy. >> matt, matt damon! somebody call clooney. somebody call brad pitt, tell them i'm friends with
that ronald reagan was our greatest president. it's important to keep the reagan legacy alive. that's why there are nearly 3,000 landmarks in the united states already named after the gipper. including the ronald reagan building and international trade center, the uss ronald reagan nuclear aircraft carrier, and the ronald reagan airport in washington, d.c., a city named for our first president who i believe should be renamed the ronald reagan george washington. now unfortunately there are still many knowns out there that are not preceded by its words "ronald reagan" but the memory of our best, greatest president might be getting bester and greatester thanks to california representative and definitely not a contract killer darell issa. mr. issa new bill without rename the waters off the coastal u.s., pretty of all of those waters, actually, after mr. reagan. this slice of the world right here includes the
united states and its territories it. there in the dark green. and the areas in blue extending from 3 to 200 nautical miles offshore are called the exclusive economic zone. darrell issa wants to rename them the ronald wilson reagan exclusive economic zone. >> stephen: folks, let's this makes perfect sense. i've always known the ocean was conservative like the republican party, it's full of great whites. and-- (laughter) i think it is also only fair dns -- >> (cheers and applause) we've got a republican crowd here tonight, all right. back in 1983 it was the gipper himself who signed a proclamation declaring those waters the united states exclusive economic zone for exploring, exploiingt and conserving offshore resources and it's been going great, especially the exploring and exploiting part. and i'm sure we'll get around to the conserving part later. naturally the berlin wall
huggers out there see the ronald wilson reagan economic zone as half empty. like california democrat alan lowenthal. >> we're talking about 3.4 million square miles of ocean. an area larger than the combined landmass of all 50 states. >> president reagan's name already graces roads, schools, buildings and fields in 22 states and the district of columbia. not to mention a major airport, and a nuclear powered-aircraft carrier. but naming the entire eec after anyone seems a bit much. >> stephen: oh so, we can't name part of the water after our greatest president but it's okay to name all of it after 80s r&b star billy ocean. (laughter) come on! ♪ get out of my green ♪ and give me a break ♪ why is there this
objection to naming a huge arbitrary portion of our natural resources after reagan? i say there is no place on earth too large or too arbitrary to honor the gipper's legacy. s this's why don't i'm proud to declare that the area between four and seven feet off the ground be ronald wilson reagan economic breathing zone. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: right up there. this, folks, this is the storied swathe of american atmosphere within which ron add reagan's very own mouth was often found. sharing its lifelong dedication to the greatest oxygen in the world. that's why he's fresh inside the ronald wilson reagan economic breathing zone is taken in honor of him. thank you, mr. president. (cheers and applause) we honor you, ronnie.
we miss you, sir. the great communicator. this one is for its gipper. tear down this wall. he ate jelly beans. you know what? i am feeling a little woozy. i think i might sit down in the walter mondale don't stand up for america zone. and we'll be right back after this ronald reagan commercial break.
nice to meet you, you're the author of six novels. >> that's right. >> stephen: your last one, let's see, was called let the great world spin and it nonthe national book award. why not stop there? you won literature. you won the book award. why keep writing? >> you know, i was completely terrified after wing the national book award because i thought what am i going to do next. and where am i going to go. but you know, if you win something like that you just want to go on and tell more stories. >> stephen: you almost sound like scarlet o'hara just now. >> yeah. >> stephen: where will i go, what will i do with. >> what will i do. >> stephen: well this is what you did. you wrote another book called transatlantic and it's a novell, three stories of people crossing the atlantic to ireland. >> that's correct. >> and back to america as well. >> stephen: an back to america. okay. in america with this thing called-- this myth called the great american novel, all right. what is the difference between the great american
novel and the great irish move snell. >> oh, well i think they have already been written. the great irish novel was written by james joist, ulysses, you know, june-- you read it, you have read it. >> stephen: yeah, i have read it. >> it is a fun read. >> stephen: i look forward to understanding it. (laughter) >> it's a beautiful novel. and how many great american nofls have there been written. >> stephen: 50 shades. >> that was australian, i believe. >> stephen: he was. >> she was -- >> she was australian, yeah. >> stephen: that's interesting. >> takes place in the united states. >> stephen: does it. >> takes place in manhattan. >> so you trade. >> stephen: i lived it, what are you talking about, no, i have not read it, i have not read it. i have not read it. so do you see yourself as an irish author or american author because are you an american citizen. >> i'm an american citizen and also an irish citizen. >> stephen: i'm sorry, what are you talking about. pick a side, sir, pick a side. >> i belong to two countries.
>> stephen: you do, okay, there an american dream, do you think there is an irish dream. >> the irish dream was to come to america. >> stephen: congratulations. >> yes. and its american dream seems to be to get back there,. >> everybody wants to go back because there is a real-- the irish identity is very strong in america. people are proud. does that drive you crazy people who like show up in green on st. patrick's day with like a green beer and -- >> that's me running down 5th avenue. >> stephen: really, do you have your pants on. >> i do occasionally. i think you can celebrate it, there is a little bit of amateur day about st. patrick's day when they are out and about and running down third avenue and making a bit of fool of themselves. but part of it is okay, just go out and enjoy yourself rz. >> stephen: by amateur you mean they don't do it well. >> they don't do it well. >> stephen: they don't do well. >> all the amateur drinkers are out. they are sort of decorating
the pavements in unusual ways. >> stephen: that's nice. no, i understand you write your books in a very interesting way. that you write it in a closet. >> that's right. >> stephen: your office is a tiny little thing qlchlt so tiny? >> you know, i was building a desk about a year and a half ago with a friend of mine, a carpenter, george. and i was building the desk around a cupboard and i said just build the desk into the cupboard and then i noticed that it was a perfect place to sit. so i've been in 9 closet now for the past year and a half. and it is quite a fine place to be to be in the closet. my wife knows this an my kids know this. >> stephen: that's very understanding of them. >> yeah. >> stephen: now you said that you really found the power, found the ability to find the stories you wanted to after you came to the united states. >> that's right. >> stephen: what is it, come together united states, you just came here, you rode
your bike around the united states where did you go. >> i ended up in boston for a while ferning i was a taxi driver in hyannis for a while. i didn't even know how to get to anyplace. i just asked the people, i say where do you want to go they say 26-- i will be delighted to take you there. tell me how to get there. and so then-- . >> stephen: and they stayed in the car thns they stayed in the car and then i took a bicycle journey for 12,000 miles getting lost every single day. it was a beautiful thing. i went from boston to florida, across to texas, into new orleans, down into mexico, eventually finished up coming across the golden gate bridge. and with so many stories this is the thing. everybody had a story to tell. this was the beautiful thing about america too. people were open and gracious and kind. i didn't sleep one single night in a hotel. i either camped out in a forest or by the river or people invited me into their homes. and it was just sort of fantastic. >> stephen: it is the accent
(cheers and applause) >> john: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is john oliver, i'm still here for jon stewart who, due to a comical mixup, is currently hosting "the doily show" america's greatest satirical lace centerpiece program. (laughter) he is eviscerating that lace work and that's a direct copy quote. our guest tonight is senator rand paul, he's going to be with us. (cheers and applause) he's also where we begin tonight. what has senator paul been up to? >> senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. >> he has planned to visit south carolina and nevada. >> tomorrow he headlines a g.o.p. dinner new hampshire. >> i know rand paul, i think he'll run in 2016. >> what stands between the paul dynasty and 2016? >> well, i'll tell you the first thing that stands between them, three (bleep)ing years!
(laughter) that's over 50 new iphones from now. (laughter) why are we talking about this election? that brings us to yet another installment of "can't you at least wait until jon stewart comes back?" (laughter) seriously! this is my last week doing this! it's not just that the media is already ramping up their 2016 coverage, it's this some of them are already trying to wind it down. >> i predict the hard right is going to take over the republican party in 2016 and the nomination is going to rand paul. you watch. this is what i do for a living. >> jon: ooh! (laughter) really? because all this time i thought you were paid to spit on a camera lens. (laughter) but, look, if making sound predictions is what chris matthews does for a living then he may have a bit of a problem because finding soundbites of people saying things that directly contradict the claim
they've just made, that's what we do for a living. (cheers and applause) so off the top of my head, who did chris matthews see going all the way to the white house in 2008? >> let me ask you about rudy giuliani. i believe he's not only running, i think he's going to win this whole thing come around the next election. >> jon: that's right, yeah. you remember him? current president rudy giuliani? (laughter) you remember the formidable contender in the 2008 election who won in the primaries only one more delegate than i did. (laughter) but look, let's be fair. that was a whole presidential election ago. everyone is allowed a mulligan and matthews made up for that by completely nailing his prediction for who would win the republican primaries in 2012. >> you watch bachmann. she's got the action this time. she stands for something -- she's going all the way. she's going to win this thing. >> really? >> i tell you right now. i predict