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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 23, 2013 6:50pm-7:26pm PDT

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>> what's up? you know what's great about wikipedia? any idiot can make the changes to it. for example, this is what i added to conan o'brien's page. "comedy central has offered conan the opportunity to take over their popular internet clip show, tosh.0 in five years after they force daniel tosh into retirement. the show will be renamed tosh.o'brien." [laughter] five years? [bleep]! you can have it now! as long as i get a piece of that $45 million nbc is paying you not to be on television. and i'll even that you can keep the jerk-off bear. an hour after i wrote that, conan's people took it down.
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so why don't you go to our tosh.0 boring wikipedia page and put in whatever changes you want. i'm not gonna to fix it. we'll read you some of our favorites. hey, be sure to tune in next week when we give the football player who tackled his own teammate a web redemption. [laughter] it was good form. hey, and make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. check out my tour schedule and make sure you keep up with our daily blog at comedycentral.com/tosh.o. and finally, i'll stop being such a [bleep]-tease, and give you what i promised. here's above average girls making animal noises. [animal noises]
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>> okay. sorry. [laughter] >> i wanted to call that segment "hot chicks making animal noises," but i could not do that it in good faith, so we called it "above average girls making animal noises," and quite frankly, that's being a bit generous. [laughter] that's integrity. see you next week. goodnight! [applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. i don't blame you for being so happy tonight, folks, this is a huge night. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, okay. as you know every year on the report i hold a summer concert series called colbchella. [ cheers and applause ] and year after year, it is always headlined by the hottest names in music. dr. pepper. t-mobile wireless and of course pepsi, the official drink of "we don't have coke, is pepsi okay?" well, folks, this year the
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antiestablishment convention destroying rock-and-roll ethos is brought to you by hyundai. the silent "y" stands for youth marketing. in fact, they've even given me a sizable check in exchange for which i promise to deliver them the undisputed song of the summer. so, jimmy, juice it. >> hyundai presents the song of the summer of the century. it ain't the heat. it's the rock-middity. with special guest daft punk. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: that's right, folks. french electro-pop megastars daft punk, the artists behind the hit "get lucky" on the colbert report, was something that was going to happen when we made this graphic.
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unfortunately daft punk is not here. (crowd ah-ing). >> stephen: so, jimmy, let's change that graphic. okay. there you go. and i've got to tell you, folks. it's been a bit of a rough day. here's the story. it's a true story. you see, we booked click and clack over here about a month ago but there was a problem. you see, this network is owned by viacom which is also the owner of mtv, nickelodeon and the popular pup-be-gone line of eueuthanasia centers although i have to say i'm not sure of that last one is public knowledge.
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apparently -- and this is a deeply guarded secret so, shhhhhh -- daft punk are going to make a surprise appearance on the mtv video music awards. spoiler alert. don't tell anybody because fun fact, no one told me until 2:00 yesterday. now the head of mtv, van toffler, is saying mtv had been promised the exclusive rights to any television appearance by daft punk leading up to the v.m.a.'s. daft punk says nothing because they don't talk. but their handlers say they never promised mtv anything. so here's the deal. hyundai gave me a lot of money, okay. a big check. which, funny story, i cashed. and, and in return... [ cheers and applause ]
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and in return, i promised them the song of the summer which is why the hyundai executives are sitting in my front row right now. hi, guys. [ cheers and applause ] as you can tell, they're a fun group. so i said to mtv, let's reason here. these daft punk guys are french. they're not really into exclusive relationships. i thought we could have a menage-a-show and maybe they could do us both. although working twice in one month is a little more than the french are used to. [ cheers and applause ] now unfortunately... stick with me. again all true. unfortunately, van wilder over here was not into the idea. as he said in an email that was forwarded to me which i don't really have the permission to read on the ape, so let's read
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it. [ cheers and applause ] okay? he says, from van toffler, head of mtv, he says, not sure i can help you with that one. checkd with my peeps. and they're feeling funky on this one. you heard right, folks. his peeps were feeling funky. and once your peeps get all funked, there's no unfunking them. if that funk spreads past the peep level, soon your bros might be unstoked and then what? so... ( applause ) the upshot is daft punk had to choose which show to go on and they chose not mine. (audience booing) >> stephen: that, of course, is a crushing disappointment brought to you by hyundai.
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now, hey, listen. listen, i'm a proud member of the mtv family of networks so i understand flan cobbler's predicament here. if daft punk were on my show, people wouldn't tune in to see them on the m.v.a.'s almost a month from now. that's how music works. you love a band. you see them once. then never want to see them again. that's why after the beatles went on ed sullivan, they dropped off the face of the err. i think ringo ended up working as a train conductor. ( applause ) listen, i want to be clear. i want to be clear. as a company man, the last thing i want to do was cause any trouble for the video music awards. after all, they're very important to mtv. it's the one night of the year they still show music videos. so instead... [ cheers and applause ]
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folks, instead i'm going to take the high road and urge you to watch daft punk on the v.m. a.s september 27 on vh1 at 9:00 p.m., 4:30 pacific. this year hosted by chris brown. of course bruce springsteen will be duetting with jay-z. performances by maroon 5, roy boy, dorksha, baby's breath, amber alert, rot we'ller featuring lil it'lya and a special performance by paula deen and the e-trade baby. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back. with
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to stepheft colbchella '01, the song of the summer of the century featuring the artists formerly booked as daft punk. now they're not here tonight, and i have accepted a lot of money from our colbchella sponsor hyundai. so not delivering the song of the summer is a real kick in my balls brought to you by hyundai. now, folks this could not be a bigger disaster if someone had
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planned it. wait a minute. wait a minute. this is mtv networks. of course, i've ben daft punked. where is he? ashton, i know you're here. where is ashton? [ cheers and applause ] baby! >> come on! stephen: you're the greatest. so, ashton, ashton, i've got to ask you. so, ashton, daft punk not being here -- did i get punked? >> no, you don't [bleep]ed stephen: ashton kutcher, everybody. ashton. you know what? i don't care what mtv allows. my audience gets the song of the summer if they want it. and i don't even need daft punk
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to choose my show over the v.m.a.'s to get it. this is colbchella, comedamit, and it is time to dance. jimmy? ♪ like the legend ♪
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>> stephen: hey, jeff bridges. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: so after five years what surprises you most about walt? ♪
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back to america's got talent.
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tonight 12 acts are leaving everything they've got out here. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what is this i'm feeling? ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> stephen: woooo! yes, sir. is everybody happy? (audience booing) >> stephen: we'll be right back. i y÷÷
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: thanks so much. thank you. thanks, everybody. please, we've got to... folks, welcome back to the colbchella '01, the song of the century of the year of the summer or whatever. i don't know. thank you for joining me for the end of my career. brought to you by hyundai.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: i never thought it would end like this. i never... i didn't. i didn't think it would end like this. i always imagined i'd be crushed under a collapsing pile of emmys. what am i going to do? the only thing that can possibly save me now is some global pop sensation who can perform a mega hit considered by many to be the song of the summer and who just happen to be in my audience right now. >> stephen, i'll sing for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: oh, my god. it's robin thicke. robin, you're the guy who dances around with those girls who are all naked on the youtube tube video. >> you know, i actually sing in the video also, stephen. >> stephen: i hadn't noticed that part. i'll take your word for it. oh, robin thicke, would you sing
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a song for me. >> of course. i'm your man. let's do it. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: performing what i for personal and professional reasons deem the song of the summer, robin thicke. everybody get up, come on. >> hey, hey, hey. ♪ but you're an animal ♪
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♪ i feel so lucky
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♪ ♪ you're a good girl, yes, you are ♪ ♪ can't let it get past me, baby ♪ ♪ you're far from the plastic ♪ talk about getting blasted ♪ i know you want it, baby ♪ you're a good girl come on out here ♪
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♪ no more pretending ♪ cause now you're winning here's our beginning ♪ ♪ i always wanted a good girl i know you want it ♪ you're a good girl ♪ ♪ can't let it get past me you're far from plastic ♪ talking about being blasted ♪ ♪ my good girl with all my bad girls ♪ ♪ you're a good girl, yes, you are ♪ ♪ the way you blurred lines ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> stephen: we'll be right back. éc!p.,@
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org that's it for colbchella, everybody. good night. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the daily show, my name is john oliver. i'm still here, unfortunately, for jon stewart who is currently attempting to break the world record for smashing the most watermelons with
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his head in under two minutes. he's-- (laughter) es he's good. he spent the time well. my guest tonight author of a new book about the life of riply's believe if or not creator robert riply neal thompson is here. but before we left last week we discussed how ridiculous it was that the 2016 presidential election speculation had already begun. could it be hill roe clinton, probably. could it be chris christie, possibly. could it be rand paul, absolutely not. (laughter) >> that is not going to happen. but all this speculation launched our new segment can't you at least wait until jon stewart comes back. because as you know, 2016 is three years away. and i'm only here for two more weeks. so it is not too long to wait. but the potential candidates just keep coming. >> next presidential
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election is nearly three and a half years away but senator cruz's travel itinerary looks more like a presidential candidate than a freshman senator. >> what's going on here. are you running for president? >> john, we are having a national debate about which direction the country should go. >> you were born in canada. could you-- are you even eligible to be president of the united states. >> my mother is born in delaware, she is a u.s. citizen so i'm a u.s. citizen by birth. >> that shouldn't be a problem then. because as we know republicans are nothing if not understanding on that particular issue. as long as your mother was born in the united states, you could be born anywhere on earth and be completely accepted as a viable presidential candidate. okay. so cruz is kind of in. or he really loves spending time in iowa so he's definitely in. anyone else? >> are you laying the groundwork now for 2016. >> i'm open to looking at a presidential race in 2016 but got a little ways, got

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