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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 30, 2013 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT

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- what the hell is this? [arguing continues] - this has got to be fake. - screw this. this is just stupid. - oh, don't start with me, kenny! - fake! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is i don't know stewart. our guest tonight, we are very excited. what time is it? our guest tonight, bill o'reilly in a segment sponsored by the word why? why? the question my audience asks every time i have
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bill o'reilly on. also brought to you by how? how, they say? how do you sit across from that guy? funding also provided by it is just -- it is just i find it so repellent and you are almost endorsing him by giving him a platform and do you really like this guy? i mean, come on! and also by arby's. >> arby's. isn't there anywhere else we can eat? what is that over there? that sagas station. all right. fine. arby's. but obviously i mean, i wonder if we are writing up to the time of the show. oh, we are writing, baby! we are doing it, baby! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jon: it is like an insurrection in here, in 2003 -- i have a transcript of the o'reilly show. it is obviously one-story we are going to cover tonight, the impending shutdown of the federal government, which is the subject of tonight's special presentation. ♪ >> for those just joining the story in progress our government is going to shut down in 57 of your earth minutes. because the house republicans are refusing to fund the government, unless the rest of congress delays implementation of the affordable care act, also known as obamacare. also known as the end of america as we know it for reasons no one is able to clearly explain. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: but you know what?
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let's let the house republicans try. >> this country was founded on limited government and consent of the govern but obamacare is based on limitless government. >> we are leading on protecting hardworking americans across this country that are feeling the overreach from the federal government. >> i come to the floor as many of us do to speak about, about the intrusion into a god-given american freedom called obamacare. >> it is an unconstitutional taking of god given american liberty. >> jon: they are just throwing words together. unconstitutional takings of god given americans -- it sounds like a (bleep) of random patriotic wordees. >> if it is unconstitutional, i didn't know it was unconstitutional, i know how much you love the constitution, no one loves the constitution like you guys. >> the constitution is the foundation. >> a great document, the constitution. >> the supreme law of the land.
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the greatest governing document the world has ever known. >> i carry a copy. >> just look at your constitution. which i keep in my pocket. somewhere deep inside my pocket. but i guarantee you it is in here. >> jon: hold on, hold on. i have got -- wait, that is my weed. i got my weed. i got a couple of rubbers here. ah. son of a bitch that's the monitor lizard i use to guard my copy of the constitution. i think i got some band-aids in there, son of a bitch, he bit me again! but you know what? perhaps we can look to the constitution for a solution to this crisis. let me get mine. son of a bitch! >> all right. here we go. all right. so in 2009 congress passed the affordable care act, were they allowed to do that?
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>> congress may determine the time of -- isn't there a cartoon that explains this? >> yes, i -- if they vote for me on capitol hill, well, then, i am off to the white house, where i wait in a line with a lot of other bills for the president to sign. and if he signs me then i will be a law! >> jon: you know what i just realized, one of those bills i think had a harpoon in its chest. look at that. one of those bills is like i need a doctor. all right, so apparently they are allowed to do that, they are allowed to make love and the president is allowed to sign laws and what do we do if those laws are unconstitutional? well, apparently nine magic robes got together looked at the affordable care act and decided it was not unconstitutional. so everything appears to have
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been done literally by the book. this bill is a law invented by the system the republicans say they love, but it would be okay if obama would meet them halfway. >> they have refused to even consider the compromise we have offered. >> they won't negotiate with us on anything. >> what have the democrats compromised on, nothing. >> harry reid won't meet with jon boehner, the president won't meet with jon boehner. >> the president refuses to compromise on anything. >> there is no resolution unless you sit together and bridge the divide. >> jon: the bridge, there is no divide to the law. i don't understand this. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: how -- nobody is saying -- it is a law. are you familiar with the word? did you see the giants game on sunday? they lost 31 to seven. and you know what the giants didn't say after that game? if
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you don't give us 25 more points by midnight on monday, we will shut down the (bleep) nfl. they didn't say that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: wouldn't it be nice if the united states congress aspired to the maturity and problem solving -- of football players. man! [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: this is iter insanity. the republicans are going to get fried for this on the news. >> budget and obamacare will the president or republicans blink first? neither side looks like they are anywhere close to caving. >> heading toward a government shutdown, who will blink first? >> there is a lot of blame to go around in washington. >> neither side is ready to give an inch. >> we have a political game of chicken with a whole lot riding on it. >> jon: no we don't! i am all for a pox on both of their houses when appropriate but this is not a game of chicken, this
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is when someone is driving to work and there is car coming directly at them in their lane, that is not a game of chicken, that is a (bleep) causing ahead on collision. let me see if i can put there in another way for house republicans. >> you get nothing! you lose! good day, sir! [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: you know the republicans will heed this advice. because he is a small business owner. perhaps nothing comes up to the sheary dick louseness of this situation, the degree to which the republicans have left the plane of reason more than this new talking point that they themselves rolled out this weekend. >> the president will negotiate with the iranians, but the president of the senate will not talk to the house. >> jon:. >> have as much flexibility with the republicans as you do with the russians and iranians. >> the president is more than
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willing to negotiate with iranians, i don't know why he wouldn't be willing to negotiate with us. >> jon: brrrr, brrr, brrr. >> you are not helping yourself. if it turns out that president obama can make a deal with the most intransigence hard-line unreasonable totalitarian mullahs in the world, but not with republicans? maybe he is not the problem. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: we will be right back.
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>> jon: my guest tonight, the host of the fox news channelable, the o'reilly garkt, his new book is called killing jesus, please welcome back to the program, bill po riley, come on out here! >> bill zero rilecally. >> bill o'reilly! [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: listen, killing jesus, don't tell me how this ends, because -- i have breaking bad tape and i -- my guys, did we do it?
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>> i am not saying. >> jon: killing jesus. >> yes. >> how many more of these? i mean, what did you get? you have killing. >> lincoln. >> jon: lincoln. >> kennedy. >> jon: and now jesus. >> right. >> we have three more coming. >> oh, come on! who else? who else? >> i can't tell you because -- >> jon: because you don't like them? who else? >> no. world war ii, remember that? >> jon: killing hitler. is that what you are doing, killing hitler? >> well, he will go, yes. he will go. >> jon: all right, all right. and good luck with this, is anybody going to buy this? i mean it is a relatively obscure figure. >> yeah. >> jon: how many did you sell so for. >> 350, 350,000. >> jon: 350,000. >> yes. in four days. >> jon: books? in america? >> yes. >> yes. >> jon: seriously. >> serious. >> jon: what is it on like i-tunes? i don't understand. that is a lot. >> you know, and i haven't even done your show yet.
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it will double after this. >> jon: remember the new. >> i am the new oprah. >> i don't know. >> i am not going to say that. i am going to be nice tonight. >> you should try to be nice tonight, because life is good, the house republicans, can i ask you a question about the house republicans? >> no. >> jon: i mean this, this is with no disrespect. >> you know, i am not a republican, you know that. >> jon:. >> they are all pinheads, all of them. registered independents. >> jon: of course you are a registered independent, we don't know where you are going to go on each election. >> are you going to go for the republican or maybe the conservative -- listen, this is asinine. >> it is, i agree. >> jon: why don't you call them and tell them. >> yes, i called them. >> who did you call? >> i called both parties to knock it off. >> jon: both parties aren't doing it. but the republicans are doing something, the democrats are just enact ago law that they passed in 2009. >> yeah. well, this is what they should do. >> jon: they enacted a law passed in 2009. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jon: that's the way it works. >> unless there is a revision to the law. it can work that way. >> jon: pass a revision of the law. nobody has a problem with that. >> everybody has a problem. the poll say nobody likes the poll. >> jon: i didn't know how we do that. >> they didn't poll you guys. >> jon: they don't poll in cuba. really, you are making it seem like exiles in the audience. from what i understand, i mean, let's go by a poll, if you want to do it by that, the law we should be asking more than any other law is background check for gun owners because 90 percent of the people -- >> i agree. we. >> jon: no, you don't want to do that. >> sure i do. >> jon: you are a big background check guy. >> yes. >> jon: i didn't know that. >> absolutely. register your car and register your bazooka, come on. >> jon: you are -- you know what? you are from cuba. so -- but honestly, how dare
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they say -- >> stop with all of this nonsense. >> jon: what? >> this is what they should do. yes. this is what they should do. go in and say, look, the next, tomorrow, it kicks in, you are going to sign up tomorrow for obamacare. >> jon: these changes -- >> i get healthcare from here. >> you do. >> jon: yes, i am in a union. >> you may be thrown out because a lot of employees are throwing people out, but anyway, if you want to sign up tomorrow for obamacare, you should be allowed to. >> jon: okay. >> but like the corporations that president obama gave a waiver to, the many, many, he should give waivers to individual, if you don't like it give ate cheer year to shake it out. >> jon: but people can apply for a waiver. >> correct. >> is that fair? >> jon: did we solve it? i don't know if that solves it but -- >> it delays it. >> jon: no, no, no. it doesn't delay it -- >> it is a mandatory law. the law goes in and people can. >> jon: people can petition the government not to sign up.
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what did they do in 2003 when they did the medicare part d? >> come on, how am i supposed to remember that. come on, i don't remember. ridiculous. >> jon: but it was a law -- >> this thing is screwed up, do you understand that? >> jon: when does legislation come through that is not screwed up a little bit. >> i think the legislation to legalize marijuana in colorado is working great, everyone is stoned. >> jon: that had nothing to do -- let me tell you something. they got nothing, they got nothing. the house republicans, they have got nothing. >> what. >> jon: let's talk about syria next i want to hear your solution for that. >> yes, i do. >> jon: we will come back. killing jesus now, it is on bookshelves, are you sure it wasn't just bought by the hotels to stick in the
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>> jon:. >> we are back here with bill o'reilly, the book is killing jesus. it is actually a how to. i think it is very inappropriate. so here is my -- i have got a couple of bones, you want to pick a bone. >> you go ahead.
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>> jon: the syria intervention, you say if we don't attack there, we look weak. >> when did i say that? >> i think on your program like two weeks ago you said -- >> if you are the president of the united states and you go out and say, hey, if you gas kids we are going to come and take care of you and hammer you, and then when they gas the kids and the kids are dead you go, i didn't really mean it. that is not a good image. >> jon: right. >> so if i was the president number one i would have thought about the threat first of all, i may not have made the threat but if i felt kids -- >> you have to think about the unintended consequences. >> jon: absolutely. >> when i come on this program i am thinking of the unintended consequences. >> jon: let me be frank if i made the comment and then he did the gas and the stuff came in that he did, then i would have sent a few -- boom. >> a couple of airports, as false, take them out, it would
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have taken maybe two hours and if you do it again, it is you. and that's it. >> jon: all right. well, you know, seeing at you said the use of chemicals weapons and -- we don't know. they don't really know. >> yes, they do. he used them. they know. >> jon: if the u.n. says it -- >> they did. the u.n. -- >> jon: so you say basically the idea would be we look weak. >> yes, we do. >> jon: if we don't do that. >> yes. >> jon: but we are not weak. >> we are not? >> jon: no. >> no? >> jon: we have the largest military in the world. >> obama looks weak to the world, i think that sat fact, all right? he looks weak to the world. >> jon: but why do you think that is fact? >> because people are talking to us, stewart, they are talking america. >> jon: you think assad basically, assad did this. >> yes. >> jon: president obama drew a red line a year ago about the use of chemicals weapons. >> yes. >> jon: i think i am going to use them just to put it in his face? >> no. i think assad can't control his military and the military did it without -- but he is in charge.
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>> jon: right. >> so part of the calculation though is if i degrade syria any further, doesn't that create more chaos no matter where the chemicals weapons are. >> i don't think he can do that, if i if you are the president of the united states and you tell people not to kill children and they do you have to take action. >> jon: but they already had been killing children and by the way they are killing children all around the world. >> if you basically define it as don't do this, that's what president obama did, don't use chemical weapons. >> jon: right. >> all right? and he does, you have got to back it up and so. >> jon: so and so he threatened military intervention russia stepped in and now we have a deal on chemicals weapons. >> right. >> jon: and we will see how that works out. it is a way to avoid the military, isn't that better than, may i said it that but that is like telling your kids, you know what, the way to deal with a problem in school is you should hit the kid. >> no that is like telling the kids if you do this i am going to do that and if you don't do it you are a wimpy father and they will run all over you. >> jon: you are saying is you shouldn't take in any of the changing factors you should
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always do what they say. >> i don't have any beef with the way it worked out and i think it is good the way it worked out for the country. >> jon: right. >> but president obama looks like a weak leader, he looks inside -- >> jon: that's what you just said, i liked the way this worked out for the country. >> we are lucky. we were lucky. >> jon: how do you know we were lucky? >> because we didn't have to get involved in a situation that would, could have led to terrible things. all right? so -- >> jon: every situation you get involved in could lead to terrible things. >> yeah, but this one was fraught inside and out because the american people didn't want to do it, and the president didn't confer with them. he screwed this up, come on, you can't be saying he looked good in this, are you saying -- >> jon: i am saying it doesn't matter how he looks in this, what matters is results. >> it matters. >> jon: it matters to who? it matters to who is. >> oh, please. [ cheers and applause ] >> come on. >> jon: it is a high school mentality for governing, the country, it is. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: it is like saying --
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if you. >> #02: if. >> if you make the threat you back it up. how about this, i am going to kick your ass if you take my lunch money, i'm sorry, i still have to kick your ass because i said i would do it so i have to show that i am rigid. >> look if you think president obama came off looking well in this, you are -- >> jon: i don't care how he comes off looking. that is my point. i care about what happens in the world. i don't care if he put on a dress and lipstick and sashayed his pretty ass around the white house and said, look at me! i am a beautiful little girl! >> we will see what happens in the world. >> jon:. >> it seems to me that for whatever happened, we avoid add military confrontation. >> jon: at a time when this country can ill afford one, that is true. [ cheers and applause ] i am glad they hired you back, that
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english guy, i couldn't understand him. that english guy you had on -- it is like, hello. i can't understand him. >> jon: we will work out your age old antipathy to the english. >> the irish have to learn, they hired you back and it is a good thing you are back, because he i couldn't understand. now how is the movie going. >> jon: about the iranian journalist that was captured. >> i thought it was a zombie movie at net flix. it is not. >> didn't you say it was a zombie movie on net flix? >> jon: it is actually called killing o'reilly. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: killing jesus is on the bookshelves now. bill o'reilly!
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>> jon: that's our sh

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