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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  October 9, 2013 1:00am-1:31am PDT

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ing] [gunshot] [phone ringing] - hello? - hi, malloy. it's dr. kuzniak. i just wanted to let you know that there's no such thing as hobo rabies. turns out i was tripping balls on ecstasy yesterday. bye. - poor old hobo larry. i'm gonna make sure he gets a proper funeral. - [grunts] one of these days, malloy, you are gonna kill something that won't flush. - aah! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show".
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my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight is, we're very excited for our guest tonight malala yousafzai. you remember? [cheers and applause] she is the girl who was attacked by the taliban, shot merely for speaking out about a girls right to education. she's here tonight at 11:00 p.m. on a school night. [ laughter ] because she is irresponsible. [ laughter ] malala and i'm totally fan girling! [cheers and applause] i don't know. [cheers and applause] someone in the audience taught me what that is. they asked me if i was fan girl being something and i was like, i don't know what you are saying. they explained it to me. you fan girl hard or you don't. and you also have to put your hands like this. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] she's on the show tonight.
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now -- [cheers and applause] here is another reason i'm excited. i'm not leading off with the government shutdown. not doing it. tired of it. switching it up. swept for this one thing getting under my skin. there's a republican lack of what i like to call ownership over the current predicament. >> this is harry reid's shutdown. this is not the republican shutdown. this is harry connick, jr. and brac brac's shut -- barack obama's shutdown. >> democrats refused to budge. >> no willingness at all to compromise. >> the president won't negotiate. >> jon: it's not their shurtdown. is their name on the shutdown? they didn't do it. oj did it. i blame oj. if you glove doesn't fit you must -- remember the chase with the car? [laughter] party of personal responsibility ain't taking none. >> so listen, here is the proof once and for all. sniffles magilacuty here, john
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mccain asked about a claim harry reid is making. >> he said publicly that you came to him in july and offered to pass a clean government funding resolution, no obamacare amendments. it was $70 billion below what the senate wanted, they accepted and you've reneged on that offer. >> clearly there was a conversation about doing this. >> several. >> several. >> and you offered a clean resolution. >> i and my members decided that the threat of obamacare and what was happening was so important it was time to take a stand and we took a stand. >> jon: did you -- did you (bleep) hear that? can we stop having the conversation about it? wham is he going to say? they had a deal but -- obamacare. [ laughter ] we decided to take a stand. do you think obamacare is a big enough threat to the country you need to shutdown the government
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over it. fine, own it. don't fart and point at the dog! [cheers and applause] did you do that? did you --? good boy. i can't stay mad at you. [ laughter ] i'm going to move on. i'm going to do a different story. any story. i know what i'll do. i'll use my wheel of happy stories. we don't hardly ever use it but it's always -- [laughter] oh, my god! i can't believe it's -- we mefer used it but it's -- we never used it but it's always under here apparently. look at these stories. donald trump has larn giets, full frontal clooney. let's spin it and see what we get. hold on. mystery story! i can't wait to see what fun -- oh, my god!
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[laughter] [laughter] [cheers and applause] one metatarsal down. fine, what is the happy news from syria. >> a team international inspectors hit the road in damascus wednesday deployed to destroy chemical weapons. an estimated 7,000 ton chemical arsenal is at the center of international contention. the team has nine months to eliminate it all. >> jon: because the whole team is pregnant. [ laughter ] why do they have nine -- why a
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weird arbitrary number. how hard can it to be eliminate chemical arsenal. they have a reasonably high tech removal weapon. they spend all this money to make them i'm sure besophisticated to unmake them. >> they are using blow torches to destroy warheads and bombs. >> jon: what is in these crazy things? wow, if you are doing it on the cheap why not have the human wrecking balls take care it. >> with his head and my shoulder ram we -- >> help the people of syria. >> we're going to tear apart this. >> chemical weapon. >> with every inch of our body. >> we're going to use science. >> to prevent assad from gassing civilians. >> we are. >> united nations. >> wrecking ball. >> jon: isn't that nice. [cheers and applause] obviously, the brave chemical weapons inspectors are putting
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themselves in harm's way and i'm not talking about the dangers of hitting themselves with a hammer. >> they face grave risks working in syria. a u.n. convoy came under sniper fire. there's no confirmation of who pulled the trigger. >> jon:s yes, because what is a better symbol of safety than a projectage with a -- trojan with a hole on it. jessa is live in searal. thank you for being here. >> hi, jon. >> jon: do they have you there? you are destroying chemical weapons there? >> no, no this is my halloween costume i'm a sexy jessie pinkman. >> jon: you think she's sexy? >> very. >> jon: why did you go to syria to get a breaking bad costume? >> they were sold out everywhere else. >> jon: how are things going? >> pretty rough, jon. someone told the locals i'm from
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america. you can imagine the (bleep) i'm getting around here. >> jon: you can imagine with the foreign policy. >> not the foreign policy the government shutdown the syrians think we're idiots. >> jon: we're idiots? >> yeah. >> jon: they are hardly if a position to judge us. syria is not a model society these days. >> yeah, but guess what? even with the whole country torn part the syrian government has paid all its bills and workers wages. can you believe that (bleep)? the memorial i'm sure they are building to this war is open right now. (bleep). >> jon: wow. so the government is open. but -- but -- but assad is still a murderous dictator. >> true. but you want to know what he said to me today, jon? >> jon: wait, what he said to you? >> yeah, the president of syria
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said to me today while we were eating he said what is up with that ted cruz guy? seems like a bit of a whack job. >> jon: reety assad said that to you? totally. >> jon: did you did you say to assad? >> what (bleep) am i supposed to say you just nod and finish .our
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. listen. if you were an astute observer of politics you may have noted washington, d.c. has fall noon what many experts are falling into a sink hole (bleep). is there a way out? jason jones reports. >> republicans are refusing to back off obamacare and pass a clean budget sending the government shutdown to the second week. i decided to take a crack at fixing this mess by sitting down with g.o.p. strategist. let's solve this right now. >> let's do it. >> we just want our government back open. what do we do? >> defund obamacare. the g.o.p. is trying to save the american people from a disaster of a health care plan. we don't have joy in the shutdown. >> reporter: can you just give us back our government and when you do include obamacare because it's the law. >> it is law but it's not good
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law. it's unconstitutional. it's unconstitutional. >> reporter: even though the supreme court deemed it constitutional. >> the supreme court deemed it constitutional but it had to go to the supreme court to do so. and they still don't know what is in the bill. >> reporter: the supreme court didn't read the bill? i feel the same way. can we stop this whole interview, please. it's just a vicious circle. you dig your heels in. you say something stupid. >> it's a stupid law. >> reporter: and i give a generically witty response like yes, affordable health care for millions of unemployed people is stupid. and then these dummies laugh. but where does it end? >> it ends with defunding obamacare. >> reporter: (bleep). i'm done. i hate this job. it was clear what had to come.
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we have a hostage situation. >> you are holding this country hostage. >> you don't get to extract a trance yom for doing your -- extract a ransom for doing your job. >> reporter: i enlisted the help of i f.b.i. ransom negotiator y. do people feel the need to take hostages. in their world they tried a lot of things and everythings that failed. they view themselves as significant people and they are mystified they are not followed more and hurt by it and they feel abandoned by it. >> reporter: i thought calling in a hostage negotiation is funny and a funny joke but it's incredible how this metaphor is lining up. >> even bat (bleep) insane has its own rules. you find out what the rules are and navigate within them. >> he prepped me through the techniques through 15 years of service. >> don't be condescending and try to see it from her
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perspective. >> reporter: don't be condescending? that's all i know how to be. finally it was go to and i had to stay focused. say something innocuous get her talking. my name is jason jones. i'm here to listen to you. what are your demands. >> can you put the mic phone down. >> reporter: it's called a megaphone. >> don't be condescending. talk about the things she might like. try top find common ground. >> rhondella: noelle talk to me but obamacare will hurt small business businesses and their employees. >> it's disastrous for small businesses. >> reporter: i can't keep this up it's stupid. >> it's not stupid to her. you have to realize even in her world this makes senses. >> reporter: please continue with your thoughts. he taught me that keeping the
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hostage taker talking is crucial no matter what is coming out of their mouth. >> obamacare is one of worst things. one of the worst things in american history. >> reporter: one of the worst things in american history, huh? do you remember (bleep) slavery? >> no, no, don't attack. >> reporter: sorry, sorry. i can't call her on slavery or anything like that. >> i realize what she just said is utterly ridiculous and it ignores the entire history of the united states but it's her perspective. >> reporter: i began to realize there was one major problem with this hostage negotiation. >> we don't need government in our health care. we don't need government in our lives. we need a smaller government. >> reporter: and that problem is that not matter what we do the g.o.p. is holding something hostage that they don't value. you are saying you are going to maim the thing you are holding
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hostage regardless? >> we will always fight for less government. >> reporter: you are supposed to say we'll let the hostage go safely. that's hostage taking 101. >> please, we're not in the business of taking hostages. if you want to look at someone in the business take hostages you need to look at obama and the democrat circus. >> i have to tell you in my 20 plus years in this business i've never seen anything like this before. >> reporter: looks like we win no. one wins in this case.
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>> jon: rell come back. she's the youngest person ever to be nominated for a nobel peace prize. her book is called i am malal. please welcome to the program malala yousafzai. [cheers and applause] nice to see you. [cheers and applause] thank you for being here. >> thank you so much. it's an honor for me. >> jon: it's an honor for us. i know me. this is -- by the way, we talked a little bit before the show.
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nothing feels better than making you laugh. i will say that. i enjoyed that very much. >> thank you. >> jon: i am malala. it's honestly humbling to meet you. you are 16. where did your love for education come from? >> we are human beings and this is the part of our human nature that we don't learn the importance of anything until it's snatched from our hands. and when -- in pakistan when we were stopped from going to school at that time i realized that education is very important and education is a power for women. and that's why the terrorists are afraid of education. they don't want women to get education because women will become more powerful. [cheers and applause] >> jon: exactly right. [cheers and applause] when did the -- when did the
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taliban come to swat valley? because before then you describe it as a paradise of sorts. >> a taliban came in 2004 but at that time they were quite good. they did not show the terrorism and they did not blast any school at that time. they started with the geoterrorism in 2007 they blasted more than 400 schools in swat. they slaughtered people and in the month of january 2009, they used to slaughter even two three people every night and they flogged them and we have seen the barbaric situation of the 21st century. and we've seen like the cruelty and we've seen harsh days in our life. and those are regarded as the darkest days of our life. it was really hard for us at that time. >> jon: you describe in the book still, no matter what, they took the signs off the schools. they went underground but they
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continued in the face of -- you spoke out publicly against the taliban. what gave you the courage to continue this? >> you know, my father was a great encouragement for me because he spoke out for womens' rights, for girls' education. at that time i said why should i wait for someone else? why should i be looking to the government, to the army, that they would help us? why don't i raise my voice? yes y- don't we -- why don't we speak for our rights? i started writing diary. i spoke on every media channel i could. i raise my voice in every platform i could. i said i need to tell the world what is happening in swat and i need to tell the world that swat is suffering suffering from terd we need to fight against terrorism. >> jon: when did you realize that the taliban had made you a
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target? >> when in 2012 i was with my father and someone came and told us have you seen on google if you search your name that the taliban has hurt you. i could not believe it. i said it's not true. even after when we saw it i was not worried about myself that much i was worried about my father. we were told that the taliban are not that much cruel that they would kill a child. i starting think thinking about that and thinking the talib would come and he would kill me. i thought what would you do malala, i thought take a shoe and hit him. but i thought if you hilt a talib with your shoe then there's no difference between you and the talib.
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you must not treat others with cruelty and harshly. you must fight others but to peace, dialog and education. then i tell him how important education is and i even want education for your children as well and i will tell him that's i want to tell you now do what you want. [cheers and applause] i know your father is back stage and he's very proud of you. but would he be mad if a adopted -- i if adopted you? because you sure are swell. could you stick around? i want to talk a little bit more about swat valley and what it was like growing up there and
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how people can get involved through the malala fund and those types of things? do you have a little bit of time? >> yes, yeah, sure. >> jon: i am malala is on shelves now. visit to the malala fund. malala
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>> jon: this is one of the
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finest examples of the human spirit i've ever been a witness to. i am honored and humbled to have here -- her here. oh, i forgot to ask her, how you can solve a government shutdown. [laughter] join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> a new poll came out what do you have a higher opinion of congress or dog poop. >> will the >> stephen: tonight, is marijuana legalization here to say, or is it just crashing on our couple for a while? then, holiday horrors-- it wasn't magic in that old silk hat they found. it was a human head. and my guest, paul giamatti, stars in a new film "


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