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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 9, 2013 7:00pm-7:31pm PDT

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stephen! stephen! steepen. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. all right, folks. hello, ladies and gentlemen. ladies and gentlemen, in the television viewing audience, if you only know what these people have been through tonight. ( laughter ) nation, it is day 8 of the government shutdown. tomorrow, of course, is day 10 because 9 has been furloughed. folks, this shutdown has made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. although, that could just abe reaction from uninspected shrimp. ( laughter ) the point is, this shutdown has been much ado about nothing so far. but the timmy "titanics" out there are screaming iceberg again. because unless a deal is struck on october 17, america will reach its tet ceiling and our nation could default, and surprise, surprise-- that's supposed to be bad, too ( laughter ). >> with the most important
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economy in the world washington the the reserve currency of the world, payments have stoog out to people. if money doesn't flow in, then money doesn't flow out. >> it would be a calamity because almost everything in the world is priced off treasures. this is the most important piece of paper in the world and no one knows what will happen. >> the global economy, not just the american economy, depends fundamentally, on the full faith and credit of the united states government. this would be economic armageddon. >> stephen: oh, economic armageddon. big deal. ( laughter ) so when halloween rolls around, the little hobo knocking on your door might be an actual hobo. ( laughter ) at least he'll really appreciate that mini snickers. folks, i believe it is irresponsible for these doom-cryers to panic you. first of all, you'll need that reserve energy to fight for potable water and canned goods. pro tip-- you can make a great shiv out of a sharpened fruit roll-up. ( laughter )
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second, it's not going to happen. >> we're not going to default. we just won't default. there are ways of not defaulting, even if you don't raise the debt ceiling. it's president obama scaring the crap out of the american people. >> i don't think the credit of the united states is going to be collapsed. i think all this talk about a default has been a lot of demagoguery, a lot of false gem gogry. >> this isn't so fatal. we can kind of go on fair while doing this. it's laughable. ( laughter ). >> stephen: see, it's laughable. you know what they say-- tragedy plus time equals comedy. and we've got another nine days before the tragedy, so it's still hilarious. folks, without a debt ceiling increase, the president will just have to pick which programs get funded. do we fund veterans' programs or headstart meals for kids? the only fair thing to do is to put them in a pit and make them fight it out.
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and so what? so what if the dollar is no longer the world currency anymore? we'll just replace it with the euro, or subway club cards, or the teeth of children. i mean, the tooth fairy's always in the plarkt for those things, and she pays cash. in fact, defaulting on our debt could, just could be beneficial. according to florida congressman ted yoho who i believe represents of the "pirates of the caribbean" ride. >> congressman ted yoho republican of florida says by refusing to raise the so-called debt limit congress would have the reverse effect of bringing stability to world market. >> stephen: yet, a government default could bring stability to world markets, just like if you cut off both your legs, it brings stability to your torso. because it lowers your center of gravity.
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anyway, nationwide, right now, i want to talk to you about the dangerous side effects of a popular drug. but first let me ask you a question? who here smokes weed? ( cheers and applause ). sadly, one of the side effectes of marijuana use is mindly hollering when you hear the word "weed." ( cheers and applause ) you see this shameful turn of events is already hitting my studio. america is surrendering in the war on drugs. 21 state have legal idtw marijuana for medical purposes, and just last year, it was made legal for recreational purposes in colorado and washington state. or should i say cheech-arado and washing-chong. ( cheers and applause ) in all two of those states, the cops have stopped cracking down to o sparking up. >> seattle pot smokers are getting an education this week.
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in an effort to get the word out about the state's new marijuana laws, seattle police went to the annual festival known as hemp fest, and they passed out bags of dreets drooetoze with the do's and don'ts of getting high in the state. among the tips-- kind of obvious-- don't drive high. don't smoke pot in public. but it says do listen to "dark side of moon" at a reasonable volume. #a!aughter ) >> stephen: what? police should not be encouraging drug use. and you cannot listen to "dark side of the moon" at a reasonable volume. you will miss all the depth from the song money, from 7-4, to 4-4, and gilmore lays down a slick solo base on the pent tonic scale, is what i'm told by one of my editors. ( applause ) worst of all, folks, despite pot possession being a federal crime, attorney general eric holder says he is willing to let these pro-pot laws into effect.
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what do you expect from the mayor of cloud city? ( laughter ) the justice department only has one don't do for your dooby-do. >> the d.o.j. ruling on thursday that the states can let people smoke, grow, and buy pot legally. as long as the truck is kept away from kids and used safely. >> stephen: safely? how can you keep today's medical-grade dispensary daifng away from kids with fun names like alien dog and bubba-kush. they already sound like stoner heroes for a cartoon network. just imagine the adventures they'd have on their couch watching cartoon network.ñi folks, it's not enough that pot is no longer bad for urs. the dope pushers are now trying to tell us it's the solution for all our fiscal problems, like the michigan state lawmaker who is proposing to legalize and tax marijuana to boost funding for road repair in the plan
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supporters called "pot for potholes." ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah, maybe that would work, but once they fix every pothole, what do you think they'll legalize to fix every crack? we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ).çó wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww çó
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. nation, check your calendars because thanksgiving is just
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around the corner, and, folk, it is my favorite holiday, which is a bit surprising since i'm no fan of giving or saying thanks. ( laughter ) every year, when i celebrate it, i push the envelope. last year, i had a gravy boat. this year i have a gravy kayak. but, sadly, folks-- yeah, yeah. looks pretty good, doesn't it? sadly, america's sacred day dedicated to family and hearingnana's unvarnished opinion of philippineos is in is in danger because this is thanksgiving under attack. ( gunfire ) ( gobble ) >> if you need-- ( cheers and applause ) if you need some explanation as to why jesus is coming out of the tomb, wearing a pilgrim hat
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and a blunderbuss, watch some of our shows from about five years ago. nation, the thanksgiving table is going to be extra crowded this year. not just because you still haven't walked off last year's green bean casserole. >> turkey day meets the jewish festival of lights this year. in a rare convergence, thanksgiving falls on the first day of hanukkah. >> stephen: how dare you, hanukkah! these two holidays have nothing in common. hanukkah celebrates the struggle of an oppressed people's fight against invading conkers, while thanksgiving is about our healthy and nurturing relationship with the indians. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, now-- but now they're overlapping. and keeping the story straight is going to be impossible. pretty soon, school kids will think thanksgiving started when the wampanoag sat down with the
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yakabees, and the yams lasted eight nights. folks, it wasn't a mir telekell. nobody likes yams. really, ah, really? sympathy for the yams. ( laughter ) and now, instead of drawing a hand turkey, we'll be expected to draw a hand menorah. it's impossible! you need both hands to make the menorah, and then what do you draw with? it can't be done. ( cheers and applause )
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>> the shams osh is not straight. i'm sorry. nation-- now it's on my face. that is not coming out. that's it. anyway, nation, i should have seen this coming. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i want to warn our anillates we might be going a little bit long tonight. i can't believe i'm discussing hanukkah and i drew a mustache right there. that is bad form. ( cheers and applause ). really, really not good.
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folks, i should have seen this coming. i have never, ever trusted hanukkah. if it doesn't have anything to hide, why does it have so many aliases. plus, plus hanukkah is supposed to overlap with christmas. so i can say merry christmas instead of happy holidays, and everyone will know exactly which holiday i'm not wishing they have a happy one of. so this year, folks, to make sure no one is confused i'm going to have to spend thanksgiving wishing everybody a merry christmas. it's chaos. and you know what, hanukkah, i've had it up to hear blocking our holidays. i do not-- listen to me eye do not want to see hanukkah starting on thanksgiving day for another 80,000 years. >> it won't happen again for another-- get this-- 79,000
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years. >> stephen: now you're just trying to piss me off. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.ç4@3 my guest tonight plays aib rahamza bruder in a new film about the kennedy assassination. the interview will be shaky and out of focus. thank you for coming on. i wanted to have you on the show for a long time. >> thank you for having me. i'm very excited. >> stephen: besides you being a big star-- you love paul giamatti, right? ( cheers and applause ). >> thank you. >> stephen: and i'm kind of a big star, too. >> very big. >> stephen: when i walk around people don't approach me because i am-- i'm untouchable. >> yes. >> stephen: you know what i mean? >> yes. >.
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>> stephen: but you seem just like an average guy. >> i'm approachable. >> stephen: exactly. even in your most famous roles, you seem like the guy-- hey, i would know that guy. that guy might be a friend of mine. >> that's good. >> stephen: a coworker of mine. is that a problem? then people are always going, "hey, i think i kind of know you." >> yes, i get touched a lot by people. people want to touch me a lot. >> stephen: really, why do they want to touch you first? are you like a pregnant woman, they touch the belly and it's inappropriate. >> it's very much like that. that's nice to hear. i think most of the characters i play seem like sociopaths. >> stephen: there are a lot of sociopaths. i think we all know one. >> and they're very approachable, too gla. >> stephen: right because no matter what you do, their heart rate never goes up when they kill you. >> stephen: there's another great thing that makes you like an every man in this. you have bursts of anger.
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>> suppressed rage. >> stephen: you have suprocessed rage at all times and at any moment it could come out in a moment of really delicious ire. okay. >> yes. >> stephen: any chance we're going to get some of that tonight? >> it could happen. we'll see where this goes. that could happen. >> stephen: okay. you're in the new film "parkland." >>im. >> stephen: this is a-- this is about the kennedy assassination. >> yes. >> stephen: but it's not the story of really john kennedy and jackie kennedy. it's about the people affected that day, really for the rest of their lives? >> yes. innocent bystanders who become major players in it in a way. >> stephen: you play abraham zapruder. explain to the young people who zapruder was. >> zapruder was a dallas self-mad businessman. he was a ukrainian immigrant,
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and we.to new york city, and built thup business eventually, this dress making business. and he was a camera enthusiast. the camera he had was the cutting edge super 8 filmat the time, and he was just-- you be, that day his offices were right on dealey plaza, so he was very excited. he was very patriotic. he was an immigrant and he was very excited to go out there and he filmed it, the 28-second film. >> stephen: this 28 seconds which is really the only footage we have of the assassination of the president? >> yes, it is, i think so, of the actual shooting, yes. >> stephen: did he make money off of this? because this is a capitalist society, and he was a businessman. >> yeah. >> stephen: did he make money off of this? >> he did. he sold it to "life" magazine and it was very controversial when he did this. >> stephen: explain to the young people what a magazine is.
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>> it's shiny and is made out of paper and has lots of nice pictures in it. >> stephen: it's like an ipad you can burn. ( applause ) >> stephen: was he conflicted about selling it? >> i think he was, yes. i think he felt guilty about taking the film at all. he felt ashamed that he'd done this. it was accidental, he didn't mean to do it, but i think he felt like he had dwowmented something that people weren't supposed to see so he felt guilty about it? >> stephen: we have a clip, let's take a look. >> when the president is-- when he's hit -- >> the kill shot? >> yeah. we'll publish those frames? because i think you would agree some things the world does not need to see. >> in this case, missing frames could lead to false speculations. >> that is not my business. i don't care about all that. i'm talking about the man's
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dignity. >> we have a response-- >> he was a dignified man. it was a very undignified end for a very dignified man. ( cheers and applause ) did "life" magazine end up printing-- >> no they cut those frames out. >> stephen: how many frames? >> i'm not sure. not many, but it was the actual shot that hit him. s that was not in "life" magazine. >> stephen: those were lost? >> no, i mean, now you're getting into the conspiracy theory. >> stephen: i am. >> i think there are people who will say it was doctored in some way. >> stephen: i will. >> yes, i had a feeling you would. >> stephen: yes, because it makes a better story. >> it makes a much better story. conspiracy theories-- >> stephen: the idea that one guy shot the president is dined'd kind of bother and sad. >> sad, yes. >> stephen: but if there's an
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enormous conspiracy of people behind the keeps of our adult life, that's kind of exciting. >> it's weirdly comforting, too, i think to people. i think it's hard tore understand one person doing something. you can't fathom of psychology of one man snapping like that. i think it's comforting to think, well, there's a whole system at work. >> stephen: also that it would take a whole system to bring down the president. >> yes, exactly. >> stephen: any chance zapruder was the shooter? i'm just saying he was there. >> i'm not sure he'd play it that way -- >> stephen: really? you just gave away the ending of the film. >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: paul, thank you so much. >> such a pleasure. >> stephen: paul giamatti, e isvie is
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. before we leave tonight, if you are going to be in new york city on october 11, that's this friday, friends of the show and possibly the best improvisers in the world, tmpled j. jack dowsky, will be appearing at town hall for one night performing their show, t.j. and dave. show starts at 8:00. doors open at 7:00, or earlier if you own your own pair of bolt cut captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight is, we're very excited for our guest tonight malala yousafzai. you remember? [cheers and applause] she is the girl who was attacked by the taliban, shot merely for speaking out about a girls right
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to education. she's here tonight at 11:00 p.m. on a school night. [ laughter ] because she is irresponsible. [ laughter ] malala and i'm totally fan girling! [cheers and applause] i don't know. [cheers and applause] someone in the audience taught me what that is. they asked me if i was fan girl being something and i was like, i don't know what you are saying. they explained it to me. you fan girl hard or you don't. and you also have to put your hands like this. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] she's on the show tonight. now -- [cheers and applause] here is another reason i'm excited. i'm not leading off with the government shutdown. not doing it. tired of it. switching it up. swept for this one thing getting under my skin. there's a republican lack of what

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