tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central October 15, 2013 1:30am-2:01am PDT
>> jon: that is our show, join us next week, i wanted to take a brief moment at the top here to thank you guys at home. a couple days ago we had on an author david mitchell who had translated this book by a japanese boy, 13-year-old boy who has an autistic syndrome. and i wrote a book called the reason i jump which is the most incredible book i have read in ages. and we talked about it. and how what a gate book its with and how wonderful it was. and you guys responded like crazy. you drove this bad boy to number one on amazon, so for doing that, keep on doing, keep on reading, spread the word. it's a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful book.
>> stephen: how to end the government shutdown. i think if you hold down texas and maine at the same time, it automatically reboots. ( laughter ) he is the same age of their average viewer. and by guest chris matthews is the host of msnbc's "hardball." incidentally, "hardball--" not covered under obamacare. ( laughter ) the new york city opera is closing. it isn't over until the fat lady doesn't sing. this is the "colbert report. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for being in here, out there, all around the world. ladies and gentlemen, i only have one question for you-- are you ready to get these bastards? >> yes! >> stephen: how long have they had a free ride? >> too long! ( laughter ). >> stephen: folks, thank you for being with us, on this, day two of the federal government shutdown and surprise, surprise. we're all still here.
is there is nothing the government provides that cannot be replace the by an individual with a pine cone wielding dagger will require. and we will get through this, folks, because we have done it before. >> it's been 17 years since the last government shutdown. >> the last federal government shutdown started in 1995. it was a budget dispute between president clinton and newt gingrich. it lasted 28 days. >> stephen: >> stephen: back then i packed a survival kit for the next time the government shut down. let's just unpack this bad boy. hold on. let's see, let's see. let's see what i got in here. i got-- i got my "caroline in
the city" mug. i also have a glove from o.j. oh, this is exciting! i haven't seen you in a while. it's m my tamagotchi pet. and it's dead! damn you, obamacare! and most importantly, ladies and gentlemen, to heal a divided nation, with the power of music, i packed away the number one recording star of 1995, please welcome ciewlio! culio? ( laughter ) oh, god. culio. i-- i should have punche punchee air holes in this thing. i guess he's gone to gangsta
paradise. ( laughter ) ( applause ) anyway, anyway, he'll be-- he'll be fine. he'll be fine, folks. you know what? in fact, we'll all be fine, right, tv friends? >> there's a very limited economic impact from this shutdown. >> right. >> i don't know how many millions of dollars a day it's costing, but it's not that big a deal economically. >> reality of this is the vast majority of americans will notice absolutely nothing about a government shutdown. >> another thick that g.o.p. leadership needs to do is remind the public this is not armageddon. this is a pin prick. >> stephen: yes, a government shutdown is no more damaging to the economy than a pin prick, okay. for instance, here's the economy. here's the shutdown. see? ( cheers and applause ) the economy still exists. okay. in fact, folks, this shutdown is
so not big a deal, we not even calling it a shutdown anymore. >> some people have rcalling it a slim-down. take a look at the fox news web site. >> stephen: that's cnn-- its most trusted name in reading other networks' web sites. ( applause ) and she's right. fox news is calling it a "slimdown." which is a great name because you know who is really going to slim down? the 9 million women ask children who will lose supplemental nutrition from the government. that's just chivalrous-- remember, remember, women and children first. the point, is the slim-down is a good thing, and it's all obama's fault. >> speaker john boehner insisting it's the president who opens the shutdown. >> refusing to come to the table, obama, and reid are counting on the media lap dogs to blame republicans. >> where is our commander in chief? why isn't he on the phone right now calling the senate and house
leadership and telling them our nation is at risk because of the government shutdown? >> stephen: yes, why isn't the president telling congress that shutting down the government is bad? and why won't he tell them the stove is hot? ( laughter ). boehner keeps burning his hand over and over again. ( applause ) finally, finally, folks, i can't believe it took so long, today, obama did the right thing. >> just within the last hour, we learned that president obama invited congressional leaders to the white house this afternoon for a meeting to discuss the shutdown. >> we got word just a couple of minutes ago-- this is have a a tweet from the white house press secretary-- saying, potus invite senator reid, nancy pelosi, mcconnell and speaker boehner to the house today to discuss the need to reopen the government, raise the debt ceiling, all of that. >> stephen: okay, great. now both sides can work up on the a compromise. obama can give some concessions, and the republicans can accept his concessions.
( laughter ) two-way street. as long as-- and this is important-- as long as the republicans don't blink. >> ted cruz sent out a tweet tonight that just said hashtag don't blink. >> i'm not blinking or flinching. >> i'm we're not blinking. we're taking no-doz.z. >> stephen: that's right, not blinking. ( cheers and applause ) in fact, michele bachmann has been training k
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. folks, you know i am a huge fan of papa bear bill o'reilly. bill is my ment or, he or, inspiration. my safeword. of course you don't become a legend without make something enemies, and i'm afraid the king is once again under attack. this is blood in the water. >> shark, shark. shark-shark-shark. shark. >> stephen: folks. last sunday night, last sunday bill was on "60 minutes" to discuss his new book "killing jesus." sorry, christians. spoiler alert. it is the latest in his killing series following "killing kennedy," "killing lincoln," and his children's book, "killing clifford." turns out the big red puppy had a case of gigantic rabies and
had to be put down. sad, but true. now, bill wasted no time answering the question that was on everybody's mind-- why did you write this book? >> how did the idea come to you? >> all of the ideas come to me in the middle of the night. and one night, i just woke up and went "killing jesus." and i believe, because i'm a catholic, that comes from the holy spirit. >> you believe the holy spirit directed you to write "killing jesus"? >> yes, i believe that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yes. yes. ( applause ) as a catholic, bill believes in the trinity. this case, the father, the son, and the holy ghost writer. ( laughter ) bill knows he is simply god's humble servant. >> and why would the holy spirit choose you? >> you're asking me to speculate about theidatey. >> well, you are suggesting you are the chosen one. >> i'm not the chosen one.
i'm just one of many who have been given gifts. >> stephen: very important. bill is not saying he's the chosen one. he's just average joe, prophet of god. your jeremiah, your zach rye, your billoreiyah. he simply says-- that's all he's saying. god chose him. he simply speaks for the almighty. who could forget when yahweh spaketh to the israelites. >> what words can i speak that will heed ( bleep ). >> we'll do it live! ( bleep ). suck! >> stephen: this is the word of the lord. of course, the mainstream media immediately attacked o'reilly from all sides with hundreds of one article by some guy in fill named howard. and, boy, did st. billy burn his bush. >> mockery in the secular press
began-- >> writing in the "philadelphia daily news" howard genslers wrote, "bill o'reilly haze god told him to write his new book "killing geez us, a history." he says it's all part of god's plan to him. did god also give you the idea for pin heads and patriots? for sure, howard. so i can designate you as a pin head. but this goes way beyond that, doesn't, it, howard pup are mock,ing my christian faith. >> stephen: you are mocking his christian face. this is filled with the rule of christianity. rule number one, no forgiveness ( bleep )! ( cheers and applause ) jesus himself said you cross me, a cut a... the surest evidence god told bill o'reilly to write
a book aboutiod god, according to bill o'reilly, it's more accurate than gold's book about god. >> you include two quote from jesus on the cross, but not the most famous one, "father forgive them. for they know not what they do." why not? >> we don't put in things that we don't think happened. >> how do you know? >> because you couldn't say something like that audibly that people would hear. he-- ( laughter ) he died on the cross being suffocated. your lungs can't take in any more air. you can hardly breathe. we believe jesus said that but we don't believe he said it on the cross because nobody could have heard it. >> stephen: yet, walking on water, rising from the dead, jesus can handle it. ( laughter ) but talking loud enough to be heard? now you're on bill's turf. ( laughter ) ( applause ). and, folks, information i gotta tell you bill's not the only pundit who talks to the lord.
every one of my books has been dwienl inspired. for instance, before i wrote my third book god came to me in the middle of the night and he said, "hey, steve, if you write another book, you could probably afford new decking on your sailboats, and, lo it has come topaz. folks, i want to tell you i am very careful with this power. i also make sure the voice in my should god's. after all, my neighbor's dog also talks to me in my sleep and tells me to kill people but i ignore him because he's not god. although, rosco is an ordained minister. ( laughter ) i also believe-- and this is just me-- that-- ♪ ♪ hold on, i'm getting something from god right now. what's that? uh-huh? uh-huh? she said what! what did you tell her? o-m-you. did you not go there! are you grade-acrazazzy my man.
long story, joan of arc is a drama queen. anyway, i hate to burst your bubble, bill, but god talks to me before he talks to you. in fact, god pitched me on this whole "killing jesus" thing, and when i passed on the project-- seem derivative-- he asked me to tell you. so in fact it was me whispering into your ear in the middle of the night. i mean-- ( cheers and applause ) upodoes this sound familiar? bill, write a book about jesus that's more accurate than the bible. also, don't tell people about the voices you hear in the middle of the night because they'll think you're a crazy narcissist. ( laughter ) we'll be right back.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. nice to have a champion talk or the show. you are obviously the host of "hardball." everybody knows that. you've got a new book called "tip and the gipper: when politics worked." okay. first bone to pick with you-- why-- why should pol tk politic? ( laughter ) aren't we proving now if we make it not work we can shut the government down. >> because we started this in the 18th century that you could actually govern yourself and people disagreed from different part of the country, right, left, federalists, and come to an agreement to make the government work. that was our belief from the beginning. >> stephen: got us in trouble. got us in trouble. we've had a civil war. we've had a budget deficit. i mean, that's what happens when the government works, the government gets bigger. >> no, no.
>> stephen: do you believe-- you're calling it the slim-down, too, aren't you? >> no. the-- when it gets together and people actually agree then thist moves on and we progress into the next century, and we move into the next period of our history. we don't just keep fighting over the same old things. >> stephen: you're implying there has to be some compromise in politics. >> yes, like in life. >> stephen: no, sir-- >> that's why we have a congress because we have a vote and it it has to be 218 in the house and 60 in the senate and then we go with that vote. that's how it works. is this too complicated? >> stephen: yes, i believe on standing on your principles. >> which means don't comprogram. >> stephen: reagan never did. >> he did so! noose that's what the book is about. >> stephen: he did not. i don't care what the book is about. i don't care what kind of "harry potter" fantasy you've written here. ronald reagan stood on his principles and punched gc gomp h
and knocked down the wall. >> they didn't have an arms agreement -- >> stephen: the soaves got rid of their arms. take away your arms. >> they got rid of all the arms in europe as the first step and then began working on the intercontinental weapons. they ended the threat of a third world war. >> stephen: they knew reagan was willing to push the button on the evil empire? >> they did. >> stephen: they did? >> reagan hated the idea of nuclear war. the only reason we didn't go to war is one side would totally annihilate the other side. he said the russians are good people like us. it's not their fault they have a lousy leadership. he understood the situation. >> glu can have your and know i'll have my opinion and i guess we'll never know. >> see, i kept a book -- >> stephen: is that recipes? what is that? >> no, no, no. unlike bill o'reilly who gets it from up there, i kept notes. >> stephen: really. you're not ininspired by god to write a book. by the way, why didn't you call
it "killing tip and the gipper." >> when are we going to have the book we've been waiting for "killing o'reilly?" >> stephen: i'm not saying it wouldn't abe big serl, but it might be a little cry for help. you wrote things down. >> i kept a diary the whole year-- all the times with stip tipand reagan. >> stephen: did you think you'd be respond at some point. >> not then. today people worry about it. i knew i had to keep my record. >> stephen: you said they got along in some way. >> when i first met reagan i said welcome to the room where we plot against you, up at the capitol, to break the ilike you do-- and he said not after six. >> the speaker said friends after 6:00. >> stephen: what about the things tip says-- he says reagan has no concern, no regard, no care for the little man. he's a real ebenezer scrooge whose whose programs are for the selfish, greedy, and the affluent. he said the real problem is in the white house --
>house-- >> i think i may have written that one. what reagan also said is at the st. patrick's day party. he wrote in the direee it's on the record-- he would write tip is a real pol. he can really like and you be your friend and then try to knock your block off. ron reagan, his son, told me when he came home at night he said how found he was of tip. >> stephen: if reagan was in the white house now do you think we would be at the impasse? >> no, because he had a strength others didn't have. he can scare the hell out of -- >> stephen: are you saying obama doesn't care people? we haven't done enough to make people afraid of obama? >> it's better to be feared than loafed. that's the problem. these guys from right wing districts are not afraid of them. and that's why i think the government shutdown is going to go on for weeks. >> stephen: you think reagan was a better president than
obama is? >> in the end, yeah. in the end. >> stephen: do you think reagan-- >> because he ended the cold war. that's hard to meet beet. hard to beat that baby. >> stephen: how do you think this is going to end, the showdown. the slim-down? >> i'm worried about the default come the 24th. what happens on the 24th of this month? instead of sending out the interest to the chinese billionaires we've been borrowing money from, all of a sudden for the the first time in our history we don't pay our interest. think of an airline. would you get on an airline that said 95% safety record? or would you look fair an airline that had 100% safety record. for years, the world has looked at the niewts yoouts and said they have 100% safety. we will not be the store of value. we will not be anything. we will be the country that became a dead-beat country in october of 2013. and that scares the hell out of me. and that could happen by the end of this month because these right wing jackals. am i clear?