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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 13, 2014 7:00pm-7:31pm PST

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wait, wait a second. hold on, here we go. here we go. (cheers and applause) i don't want to-- i don't want a lawsuit on my hands here, all right, here we go. plus my guest ken roth is-- come on. come on. come on! do it! yeah! it is really cold. (laughter) this is-- oh my gosh, oh my gosh captioning sponsored by comedy central
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. happy new year! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. (cheers and applause) good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen. let me be the first to say happy new year. and of course ladies and gentlemen-- merry christmas. okay? merry christmas, folks. it's never too late or too early. (laughter) good to have you with us, folks. and by with us i mean still living. because 2014 is all to a frigid start, folks. it was so cold on new year's eve that the ball went back up.
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it happens. it happens, now folks, if you are listening to the sound of my voice, first of all open your eyes. now if you are listening and watching from anywhere east of seattle, washington, i hope you walked your windows, stocked your soup cupboard and put that to obese relative to slice open and call inside. because this is no ode cold snap this is a monster. >> this is essentially a hurricane t swirls and it swirls at a hundred miles an hour that is our polar vor wex opinions polar vortex. >> polar vortex. >> yeah, polar vortex. >> we could have thunder snow. >> thunder snow. >> stephen: yes, we're being hit by a polar vortex and thunder snow! (laughter) >> stephen: and frankly, folks, i'm not sure if those are weather patterns or finishing moves from mortal come bat. and as a newsman, i want to
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salute whoever came up with the term polar vortex. (laughter) it is terrifying but still sounds all sciencey. now a lesser meteorologist could have overreached with arctic cold-nado or a class can dick punch but polar vortex is restrained but menacing. >> anyway, good luck surviving this polar vortex. i know we're going to get through it because on thursday it will be in the mid 40s or what i'm calling partly cloud-pocolypse with a 20% chance of reyna-geddon. chirs plaus-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now check back in with steven ---- stephen with the news. (laughter)
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thanks, steve. >> nation, here at the report there are no wrong answers because i'm the only one who talks. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) (applause) first up on the,-- working on it, it seems like every day the government passes yet another new freedom-killing regulation. first they tell me i have to wear a seat belt. then they tell me my child has to ride in the car seat. what's next. the car seat has to be inside the car? he loves to see the wind on the fontanelle. well, now government regulators are at it again. >> the food and drug administration reveals a new plan today to cut down the use on antibiotics in food animals. the fda calls overuse of anti-biotics a threat to public health. >> stephen: these fda-holes are coming after-- they're
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coming after a food animals as if there's any other kind. so i'm giving a wag of my finger to the fda. first of all anti-biotics are the only nutrition left in our meats. that and the blue dye in the usda sample. my doctor says i'm to the getting enough sap. and our livestocks need these anti-biotics to gain as much as 3% more weight. that's how it works, folks, you want to gain weight quickly take anti-biotics. you want to lose weight quickly you eat unregulated beef. how else can you get animals to gain weight. chickens won't drink muscle milk. i got them a straw and everything. nothing. (laughter) next up, folks i believe children are the future. even though i'm pretty sure most of my childhood was in the past. i got screwed on that one. that's why i'm giving a tip of the hat to toy manufacturers for bringing the toys of tomorrow to the future peoples of today.
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>> fisher-price has released the newborn toddler app difficultity seat. a baby bouncey seat that features a plastic case designed to hold an ipad. >> stephen: oh, folks, i wish we had the app-tivity baby seat when i had my first child. i had to settle from plopping her in front of the microwave. my daughter's favorite show was swanson salisbury steak for 10 minutes on defrost. it has a surprise ending. about an hour later. now some people are afraid that putting an ipad in front of an infant might be harmful in some way. but don't worry you can lock your ipad into the case protecting your device from baby's sticky fingers. see, nothing is going to hurt your precious darling. and that's not the only way to dock both your ipad and your child. >> as a mom, i know how difficult potty training it be. it can be a little easier now with the brand-new i-potty this potty training seat features a special
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stand to securely hold the ipad which kids already love. so they can play with apps, read books or watch videos. all while potty training. (laughter) >> stephen: i-- i want one. i had no idea you could use an ipad on the toilet. i generally need all four limbs for stability. again, salisbury steak. and what a great tool for training the kids. they'll forever associate the ipad with pooping. just avoid bringing them into an apple store. finally, folks, there is no greater family tradition than gathering together and playing board games. remember the family that plays together, stays together because a single game of risk can last decades. it will be a cold day in hell before my sister-in-law sharon gets her grubby paws on irkutsk, the gateway to
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came chat ska. -- kamchatka. but folks these fun games aren't all fun and games. they're also educational. think of all the spanish learned -- words i learned from playing uno. (applause) >> how many? (cheers and applause) i learned oneo. (laughter) but finally, there is a game to teach our kids what they really need to know. >> it's the new game of guessing logos when you draw t describe it, do it or reveal it pick an action, set the timer and go. >> oh. >> now what. >> really, do it, describe it or reveal it. logo and all new logo party. the brands you know, the games you love. >> stephen: it's just like char adds other than acting out movies and tv shows you're paying money to mem orize corporate marketing. that's why i'm giving a big
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tip of the hat to logo party. just do it, it's great. maybe it's maybelline. folks it is huge. >> folks, it used to be so hard to find advertisements. you had to sit through boring television shows or load an internet video or be somewhere in america. with logo party imagine the fun you'll have guessing if that's the g logo from guchi or c logo from channel and then feeling bad about yourself that you can't afford either one. the game ends when one play err draws the cord for the logo party logo forcing everyone to act out all the brands in logo party simultaneously creating a corporate synergy black hole that sucks in your entire family until somebody realizes the black hole looks just like the logo for oakley sunglasses. you win. we'll be right back after these logos. (cheers and applause) much .
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welcome back, thanks so much. ladies and gentlemen, my first show of 2014, and in this new year all of us are making new area's resolutions. personally i joined a gym-bore. i usually do six reps of parachutes and two sets of bouncey ball fchloe is not hogging it. i'm cooling down here, chloe, let me work in. but folks, while i'm out
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there getting skinny, america's deviants are rolling a fattie, jim? >> some coloradoans have a lot to celebrate on january 1st. colorado became the first state in the nation to allow the sale of marijuana for recreational use and hundreds lined up to get it. >> $1 million of recreational marijuana reportedly sold there on wednesday alone. >> stephen: a million dollars of pot in one day. otherwise known as a full nelson. nation, this news, this news nauseated me so much that i might qualified for medical marijuana. can someone check on that. you can get on that. thank you very much. america's moral corps is being gutted and the rest of our moral apple is being made into a bong. how dare, how dare coloradoans spend january 1st ruining their bodies with weed when they should be at home vomiting all the booze from new year's eve like god intended. and thankfully-- (applause)
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yes. we have some vomit fans here tonight thankfully some patriots are standing up an they're not just ignorant buzz kills they're experienced buzz kills like "new york times" columnist david brooks who wrote for a little while in my teenage years my friends and i smoked marijuana. it was fun. i have some fond memories of us all being silly together. i think those moments of uninhibitied frolic deepened our friendship. yes. david brooks got high. which lead to uninhibitied frolic. sometimes it bordered on unstructured meriment, even unfettered jocularity. but this column was more than just establishing his stone-cold street cred. he also rapped some positive youth messaging about the dangers of legallization saying i think being stoned is not a particularly uplifting form of pleasure and should be discoveraged more than encouraged.
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and that colorado is nurturing a moral ecology in which it is a bit harder to be the sort of person most of us want to be. so let that be a lesson to you kids. you keep smoking weed, you keep rapping with your friends, you'll never grow up to be david brooks. and david's not the only former pot head who wants to keep weed illegal. so does "the washington post" ruth marcus who wrote in an op ed, our kids will not be better off with another legal mind altering substance. well said. kids don't need another legal mind altering substance, in school with their aterol. and like brooks, folks, ruth admits to being more than just roommates with her friend mary jane confessing i have done my share of inhaling. next time i'm in colorado i expect i will check out some bubba kush. why not. why not.
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other than the column you just wrote. i applaud marcus and brooks for take a stirm stance against legalizing the pot they smoked. i assume they're going to turn themselves into the police now and serve their kind hopefully that will keep them from ever smoking again because they might get high and write something really confusing. well an right backfñ,x,pnpnp ñ
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>> welcome back, everybody, my guess tonight executive director of -- please welcome ken roth. (cheers and applause) hey, ken. good to see you thanks so much for coming on nice to see you again you are the executive director of human rights watch. >> yes. >> stephen: what does that mean? that sounds monsterous, doing human rights violations going on and you just stand there and watch. why not human rights do something about it. >> that's what we try to do. >> stephen: okay. >> dictators around the world hate having their human rights exposed so we investigate them, expose what they do we shame them and put pressure on them to stop. >> stephen: how do you shame dictators. >> nobody likes to have their human right as buses known even saddal hughes
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hughes tried to hide the genocide. >> stephen: yeah, i don't tell anybody about my intern. >> i'll have a researcher here tomorrow. >> but if you shine a spotlight, get the press to cover and report they hate that they try to discredit us. ultimately they realize they can't change the bad press until they change the bad conduct. >> stephen: right before the holidays we lost nelson mandela called by many a giant but also a communist and a terrorist at times. how does someone like mandela beckman della. >> well, first of all, he was in prison for 27 years. >> stephen: as a communist and a terrorist. >> as a person who wanted to get rid of apartheid. >> stephen: he broke the law and i'm not soft on crime, go ahead. >> fair enough, because the law kept black people separate and suppressed. he was in prison for 27 years. he came out and rather than showing bitterness towards his jailers he recognized they were all south africans and he was going to create a new south africa, when he
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was negotiating his future, he made a place for all south africans under the law with rights for everybody. that is how mandela became mandela. >> stephen: so he forgave the people who were violating human rights. >> in essence, yes. >> stephen: why can't you forgive the people who-- why can't you be more like nelson pan della? >> so if i am out there looking for-- because i want to get in like on the ground floor on the next moral rightousness out there, because i don't want to be on the wrong side of apartheid again it's a long story, a long story. i thought was a good idea. to the because they're black but because they were poor. but we'll move on. >> you and ronald reagan. >> exactly. grover norquist. i was over there-- now who was the guy like if i want to get behind, start printing the posters and selling the buttons if i want to be the guy that says i'm on board with mandela
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who is my new mandela. >> i think the most obvious one is the chinese by the name of-- shapo. >> this is what worried me. >> without won the nobel peace prize. >> big deal,. >> what worries me is this one is going to cost me, all right. >> in china we can't do anything. am i going to protest the chinese government, you can't do that. >> okay, it's not the roth report, it's "the colbert report," let me talk. >> stephen: in the 80s we could say to south africa i don't need your gold, i don't need your diamonds, i don't need your black mum bazza, we could boycott that we can't boycott everything made. there would be nothing to buy. >> stephen: china makes everything. >> right. >> stephen: so what leverage could we have against what leo-- what leverage what can we do for this cat. >> you talk about how dictators didn't like to be shamed. when mandela died the chinese official media in describing pan della wouldn't use the term freedom, democracy or nobel
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peace prize which mandela also won because they were afraid it would remind people of you know who, that guy. they're so worried about this. they're so worried about what he stands for which is basically freedom, democracy, human rights for the chinese people that they locked him up for 11 years. >> stephen: what is he in jail for. >> for so-called inciting state subversion. >> stephen: did he incite state subversion. >> if you say promoting democracy, freedom, in china, yeah. >> stephen: so there is one who is this. >> this is nebula jab who is a bahraini human rights activist, he heads the leading human rights center in bahrain. he had awe dosit ot think that the arab spring should apply to an arab monarchy in bahrain. for that which was anathema just to the bahraina king but the saudi king next door. the last thing they wanted was a beacon of democracy across the causeway so they locked him up and have been violently suppressing the movement he was leading.
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>> stephen: what is he in jail for. >> again basically for leading demonstrations. >> stephen: okay, okay. king humad is a friend of mine, president and king and i getting to. did you ever see the hangover? it's like that except the tiger belongs there. >> of course. >> stephen: what dow mean of courseness it's the united states. are you family with american exceptionalism. >> yes, i know. >> stephen: then i accept your apology on behalf of america what human rights, you're not talking about guantanamo. >> there's guantanamo. >> stephen: that's not in the united states, that's in cuba. checkmate. >> yes,ness i was if guantanamo. >> stephen: they let you out. >> most people don't realize in addition to a detention center it also a naval base there is a mcdonald's and a mall and a soccer field and
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elementary school. but they also locked up 155 people without any trial, any charges in those cases. >> stephen: what about people who got arrested for pot before it was legal in colorado. >> right. >> stephen: are those people who are in colorado? jail for something that is now legal? are they the victims of human right as becauses? >> well, i think the drug war is a great idea if you want to sort of raise the price of drugs so that you are fueling the cartels f you want to imprison large numbers ofa african-american males nor nonviolent offenses. if you want to invade people's privacies around the world, around the united states, it's great to pursue the drug war. >> stephen: okay, well, thank you very much. dan roth, human rights watch. we'll be right back.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybod >> from day -- comedy central's
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world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a program tonight! tonight on the program richard cordray he is the head of brand new u.s. consumer finance protection bureau. he is on the program tonight. [cheers and applause] only a "the daily show" crowd cheers equally as vociferously and enthusiastically for legalized marijuana and -- and -- the head of u.s. consumer finance protection bureau. only here do you get that. [cheers and applause] as we do


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