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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 23, 2014 6:56pm-7:27pm PDT

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>> stephen: tonight, health care for our armed forces. does obama remember to do scheduled maintenance on our drones? ( laughter ) then are some questions better left unanswered? and my guest, the honorable ray mabus is the united states secretary of navy. i will ask him-- ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) the restaurant industry says fast food workers could soon be replaced by robots. unfortunately, even robots can't live on minimum wage. this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome to the respect, everybody. thank you so much. stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ( cheers and applause ). folks-- folks, i gotta tell you, i've got to tell you it is not often that an audience loves me so much i can hear it with my deaf ear. ( cheers and applause ). nation, i-- i gotta tell you, folks, i am furious at barack obama. ( laughter ) and i am vice-furious at joe biden. it seems like every day, another federal agency reveals their lack of leadership. case in point-- the bureau of engraving and printing has just produced a portrait of chief
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justice roberts that in no way captures the elfin twinkle in his eye. ( laughter ) this kind of work, and i'm supposed to spend the money these people print? no thanks. and now it turns out that the department of veterans affairs is lousy at helping veterans or their affairs. ( laughter ). >> stunning new revelations in the scandal rocking the veterans affairs department. >> a cnn investigation found 40 veterans died at the phoenix v.a. while awaiting treatment. >> there was a secret hidden list, hiding the fact that everywheres were waiting up to 21 months to see a doctor. >> stephen: yes, a secret list to see a doctor-- though they should have been tipped off by the bouncers outside the o.r. ( laughter ) there are now similar claims in 12 states, and the american legion has called for the secretary of veterans affairs, eric shinseki, to resign. so far he has refused, probably because he knows once he retires, he'll have to use health care from the v.a
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( laughter ) ( applause ) worst of all, for years, the president claimed he would fix this. >> when a veteran is denied care, we're all dishonored. the service men and women who embody what's best about america should get the best care we have to offer, and that is what i will provide when i am president. let's keep taking care of our extraordinary military families. this leads me to another promise i made four years ago-- upholding america's sacred trust with our veterans. i promise to strengthen the v.a., and that promise has been kept. >> stephen: yes, that promise has been kept, but he's evidently forgotten where he's keeping it. ( laughter ) maybe they should check the shoe box in the back of the white house closet labeled "to do." ( laughter ) now, get this, the obama people now say the president first learned of these newalses from cnn. he had no clue what's going on in his own administration. here's an idea-- get the n.s.a.
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to start spying on wolf blitzer. ( laughter ) ( applause ) fair warning, guys. ( cheers and applause ). fair warning! fair warning, n.s.a.-- bring some no-doz. ( laughter ) the only other way the obama administration could have known about this is when the the bush administration told them about it. >> this memo, prepared for president-elect obama's transition team by the george w. bush administration, outlined the difficulties veterans faced in obtang timely health care. it urged the veterans administration to properly document desired appointment dates and ensure patient waiting times are accurate. failure to do so, the memo warned, would affect quality of care bay dlieg and potentially denying deserving veterans timely care. >> stephen: there was a memo. it warned them. bush even personalized it-- p.s.: v.a. totally eff'd up. see ya. wouldn't want to be ya.
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smiley face. ( cheers and applause ). folks, these veterans are suffering under obama's watch, after he declared them a top priority, and his team had been alerted to misconduct. do you know what that means? it means we finally have a real scandal. a real scandal! jimmy derrog them! whooo! whooo! whooo! ♪ ♪ folks, i have waited so long. ( laughter ) i know i've cried wolf before what with benghazi and the i.r.s. and the a.p., and fast and furious, and solyndra and obama's uncle, and obama's aunt, and obama's birth certificate. i even-- i even cried wolf about
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the secret white house wolf. but this one is different. it's backed up by eyewitnesses and documents and the betrayal of sick veterans. it's like christmas morning. ( laughter ) and that's why i cannot believe i am going to say that we cannot talk about this scandal. you see, we americans made a deal with the veterans. we start two wars. they lay their lives on the line while we lay on our asses on the couch watching "the bachelor." ( applause ) i still have flashbacks whenever i hear the words, "juan pablo." in return we say thank you for your service. and that's about it. yes, ticker tape parade would have been but in our paperless society we would probably just throw the ipads out the window and somebody could get hurt. and that's not good, because i hear v.a. health care is pretty bad. ( cheers and applause ) and if we talk about the v.a. scandal, what are we going to
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talk about next, the war in afghanistan? i just found out we've got over 30,000 troops still over there. cost me 40 bucks at my bar's trivia night. so, veterans, as much as this is a real scandal-- and it is-- i don't want to talk about it. here to make me talk about it is the founder of the iraq and afghanistans veteran of america, paul rieckhoff. paul, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you, stephen, great to talk to you. >> stephen: good to see you. paul, paul, do we really have to talk about the v.a.? >> yes, absolutely, yes. >> stephen: but how much longer, how much longer do we have to talk about the veterans? it's memorial day weekend. i've got a picnic to go to. >> well, we're going to have to talk about it for decades. these veterans are going to be around fair long time and they're amazing leaders and they deserve this country's full care and support and, unfortunately, when you're at your picnic or at the beach, a lot of our veterans this weekend will be at arlington paying their respects to their friends that they lost. it's about time this country
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stepped up. you have been great great. i have to give you credit. thank you for supporting our veterans. you've always had our backs and we appreciate that. but now it's time for america to follow your lead, stephen. >> stephen: all right, i wish america would be more like me. thank you, paul. how big of a scandal is this on a scale of 1 to benghazi. >> oh, well, you know, if benghazi is a political headache, this is going to be a stroke. i mean, this is is not going away. it's really bad. it affects millions of veterans who use the v.a. care. it's been in 10 cities already. we think there may be more. and the inspector general at the veterans affairs department is now inspecting 26 cities. so our members, hundreds of thousand of them nationwide are outraged. they're betrayed. and we need real leadership and reform and action from shinseki and the president. >> stephen: there has been a scandal, mismanagement at the v.a. since i was a kid. why has this one broken through? >> i think this the country is
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paying attention because 40 veterans may have died waiting and there may be veterans dying in other cities. maybe it's a perfect storm. maybe the country is finally fed up hearing story after story from the v.a. about how our veterans are being neglected and disappointed and make we can finally break through. if there's a silver lining it's the country wakes up and understands our veterans a tremendous resource. they deserve a v.a. that works. we're not asking fair lot here. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: all right. the president said-- the president said he did not hear about this particular scandal until he saw it on cnn. >> right. >> stephen: can you believe that? can you believe that people are watching cnn? ( laughter ) >> well, you know, what? now cnn's finally got something to cover other the plane. and this is a real issue. they've been aggressive on it. and other folks in the media have been aggressive on it. and this is not going to go away. even if the headlines fade we
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need everybody to continue to step up, hold people in washington accountable and support our veterans every day of the year. >> stephen: let me ask you a question they would only ask because this is have a satellite and you're hundreds of miles away. is the v.a. health care system the reason you'r you're still wg for that hair transplant? >> no, but you know what, stephen? that's okay. you know what, stephen, i think it's about time you shaved your head again? and you can do it for charity-- ( cheers and applause ) we could hook you up. you looked pretty good. and we're happy to hook you up. >> stephen: maybe next time if you're not here by satellite. paul rieckhoff, the ia v.a. thank you, paul.
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>> young voters have asked me and they're curious to know. have you ever smoked marijuana? >> you know why i never answer that question? if i tell you i haven't, you won't believe me. >> stephen: yeah, nobody would ever believe this guy's not a stoner. i mean we all saw his nationally televised epic case of cotton mouth. but, rubio can't admit that he's burpd down. he's trying to win over republicans, the party that brought us "just say no, "first as a drugless and then as their entire platform. ( cheers and applause ). that's why he is always ready to not answer that question. >> if i tell you that i haven't, you won't believe me. and if i tell you that i did, then kids will look up to me and say i can smoke marijuana because look how he made it. >> stephen: yeah, think of the message that would send all the teen girls staring up at his poster on their broo bedroom was
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because rubio's youth appeal has had negative consequences before. >> when i wrote my book "american son," i had a segment in the book how i wasn't a very good high school student. i had a 2.1 gpagoofed around in class. one day somebody said i enjoyed your book but my son came up to me and said he doesn't have to get good grades in high school because look at marco rubio. he didn't do well in high school and look how successful he has been. >> stephen: see, kids might like at rubio's success and say maybe i can save money by cutting my own hair, too. ( cheers and applause ). the point is-- the point is he is not going to misuse his status as a youth icon to hook kids on drugs. when it comes to the question of whether he's ever smoked pot, rubio's official position is he would like to be president. and that is a message of hope that is resonating with kids all over america, like the young man i mentor, david.
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david, come on out here. david, everybody. ( cheers and applause ). david, thanks very much. have a seat there, david. david is a good kid. david is part of my urban outreach program. ( laughter ) where i reach out of the urban areas into some wealthier suburbs. thanks for being here, david. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: david, you're a huge marco rubio fan, right? >> yeah, because he's so successful. go you know my man rube dog helped drop the senate immigration bill before backing away from it ultimately voting for it only to see it go nowhere in the house. he's the man! haug( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay, okay, but, david, do you slack off in school because you heard senator rubio did? >> stephen, let me tell you why i never answer that question. if i said i'm not slacking off, you wouldn't believe me.
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and if i did say i was slacking off i would be set a bad example for the middle school kids who look up to me because i'm in high school. >> stephen: oh-- oh-- okay. so are you not answering my questions because you're influenced by marco rubio's not answering questions? >> let me you why i'm not going to answer that question, stephen. if i tell you -- >> stephen: all right, all right, that's enough, david. just answer this much-- do you, a young person who will be able to vote in 2016, think marco rubio could be elected president? >> what are you high? ( laughter ) let me tell you why i'm not going to answer that question. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ).
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you can use your woice? my voice. your woice. my voice. "vuh," voice. his voice. your woice? look. watch sci-fi. [ female announcer ] the x1 entertainment operating system, only from xfinity. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is secretary of the navy, ray mabus. ( cheers and applause ) secretary maybus, thanks so much for coming on. sir, nice to have you on. >> glad to be here. >> stephen: happy fleet week. >> thank you. it's a great, great fleet week. >> stephen: it absolutely is. but, please, be careful out there. i don't want to see you in a little sailor suit running around town singing, "new york, new york." all right? >> deal, neither should you. >> stephen: stay away from the painted ladies. now, secretary of the navy, were
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you in the navy? >> yes, four year 40 years ago. >> stephen: what was your rank? >> lieutenant j.g. on a cruiser in the north atlantic. >> stephen: does it feel good now to be head man? >> yeah. >> stephen: do you wish you could get in a time machine and go back and say, "hang in there, buddy. you get to boss these people around later." >> the most amazed people were the people on my ship when i got appointed on this job. >> stephen: did they testify against you in front of the senate? >> if they were still alive. >> oooooh! >> stephen: he means how old they are. all right, all right. okay. the navy. >> the navy. >> stephen: the navy, you guys got-- you got-- you got boats for the water. you got seals for the land. you got jets for the sky. do we need the other branches of the military? or can the navy just handle all
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of it? >> you know, we've got the marine corps, too. >> stephen: right. >> sure. >> stephen: so together, under the department of the navy, have you guys got it covered? >> we're the greatest fighting force the world has ever known. >> stephen: how does the army feel about that? >> but we need our sister services. >> stephen: you need them? >> we need our sister services. we need a great army. we need a great air force. >> stephen: how is the navy doing right now? how many shippedz do we have? >> we have 289 ships and building to 306 by the end of the decade. >> stephen: what are the extra ones on top there, all aircraft carries, right? >> not quite. >> stephen: how many aircraft carriers do we have? >> 11. >> stephen: my understanding is we request park one of those bad boys off the coast of any country and shut down their air space. >> we can park one of those almost anywhere and do whatever we need to do ( cheers and applause ) my favorite recruiting poster is
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a carrier stryker with all the planes, and it says, "sometimes we follow the storm to the shore. sometimes we are the storm." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that, for any of the sailors here for fleet week, that's a great pickup line. ( cheers and applause ). okay, now, okay, modern warfare. do we need a massive navy anymore? we've been fighting a lot of wars, and some kind of dusty, dry places that it would be hard to bring a boat-- it's hard to bring a boat all the way to kabul. do we need a big navy anymore? >> we need a big navy because 90 brs of the world's trade travels by sea. 95% of our telecommunications go under the sea. keeping the sea lane open, our presence around the world to deter folks from doing bad things, to reassure people that are our allies, we need a great navy.
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we've got a maritime defense strategy now. >> stephen: is it global warming good for you guys? because with rising sea levels, there will be more ocean for you to navy in? ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) 50 years from now, 50 years from now, fleet week is going to be in columbus, ohio. >> that's why one of our biggest bases is in indiana. >> stephen: is it really? >> yeah. >> stephen: there's a naval base in indiana? >> yeah. >> stephen: that's a good congressman. ( cheers and applause ). that's a really good congressman. wow. >> we do have more ocean to navy on, and when the-- as the ice is melting in the arctic, our responsibilities increase. 40% of-- 70% of the world lives within 40 miles of an ocean. so as sea levels rise, instability flsz. that gives us more responsibilities.
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>> stephen: you get to-- you get to name ships, don't you? >> i do. >> stephen: you know what sounds really good-- ( cheers and applause ) the uss"stephen colbert." doesn't that just roll off your tongue? ( applause ). >> you know, it does. the only problem is you have to be dead first. >> stephen: oh! like super dead? or just a little dead? >> you know, we can make exceptions. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: secretary maybus, thank you so much for joining me. secretary of the navy, ray mabus. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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into these starburst minis? they built a factory in miniminneapolis. they're experts at shrinking regular starburst. everything's mini there. wait, what? [ beeping, whirring ] [ female announcer ] starburst minis. unexplainably juicy. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. we'll see you in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh