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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 29, 2014 1:32am-2:04am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, folks, good to have you with us, in here, out there, all around the world! folks, thank you so much for being here. it's-- it's great to know i have your support. while i am primarily a
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pundit and newsman my media empire extends all throughout the entertainment industry. because in addition to this show i have my best selling children's book. my alpha squad 7 graphic novel and my family friendly ku klux cartoons. call me anything, jr., okay, or you're the racist. but even media moguls like me got to stay connected to the fans. and there's no better place to do that than at this weekend's san diego comic con where every conceivable sci-fi, tv show or book moneymaker for at least 130,000 rabid attendees. it is an orgy of people who will probably not be invited to the orr gy. (laughter) but besides, besides being the super bowl of marketing. it is also the world series of cosplay. you can be batman, superman,
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dead pool, hawk cat, lady thor, mystique, princess leia, bobafet bobafet with boo b's. walter white, walter quite with boo b's. i know who i'm going as next year. and while the avengers and mad max and batman an superman were all there this year, one superhero stole the show. >> how are you doing, comic con. (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, steve! >> if i could only go back in time and show this to my 13-year-old self. >> yes, i hosted the hobbit the battle of five armies, the panel. and everybody in the cast was there, it was a magical afternoon. my only disappointment was with comic con at all was that this weekend i was
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really hoping to see daniel radcliffe who i knew was at comic con pushing his new film horns who i am not going to mention on my show. no free rides, daniel. got to say it sounds good, go see it. i wanted to just set him straight about something he said on a press line last week. >> what is your ideal post -- >> probably the face on-- i guess like ice cream. >> ice cream. >> yeah. >> what flavor? stephen colbert's flavor, right. >> harry potter reaches for me after dumbde doing it. and i'm not surprised. i'm not surprised. ice cream is the official snack of just having had sex or giving up on it entirely. (laughter) now folks here's my beef with d rad. daniel, you're not supposed to eat it after sex, are you
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supposed to eat it during sex. that's what the waffle cone pieces are for. they're ridged for your pleasure. (laughter) so enjoy, please, enjoy. but by the way, just a warning, just a warning, do not try this with jimmy fallon's flavor late night blast. (laughter) folks, these days-- these days it has going fashionable for politicians to attack the rich. well, you know what they say sticks an stones may brack my bones but my security team will shoot you. sorry socialists, are you not going to make me feel guilty. being rich is fantastic it is wonderful t is garglegadong which is a word describing the pleasure of wealth which cannot be translated into foretalk. the problem is sometimes when i'm riching and town i will accidentally catch glimpse of a nonrich person. then i get a funny feeling in my heart, apparently i
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have an allergy to nonwealthy people called empathy. (laughter) my doctor said there may never be a cure because it's not a disease. please, give generously. fortunately the free market has found the way to make the 1% feel 99% better and it brings me to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) see no equal. all too often we superwealthy find ourselves coming in contact with the money disabled. but soon, soon we could all be saved that unpleasantness thanks to the example set by a new apartment complex here in new york city. >> the controversial ruling in new york city. a developer plan to include a poor door in a luxury apartment complex. >> the building will have 219 units overlooking the waterfront and 55 affordable units that face the street. the idea, sparking backlash because it require as
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fordable living tenants to enter the building using a separate door through a back alley. >> stephen: yes. a poor door because if i don't see something, i don't want to know about, it doesn't exist. and that makes me happy. (laughter) folks, it's just like-- it's just like the old saying, out of sight, out of sight. (laughter) and i believe that separate doors are great. as another luxury home builder david von frequentelson recently von frequentelled, i think it's unfair to expect very high income homeowners who paid a fortune to live in their building to have to be in the same boat as low income renters who are very fortunate to live in a new building in a great neighborhood. yes. they get to live in a new building in a great neighborhood. what else do they want. dignity? now who's greedy? and folks, if you think about it, there's a sound
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moral principles behind separate wealth based entrances. jesus himself said it is easier for a came told go through the eye of a needle then for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. that's why the rich use the separate entrance to heaven. that needle one smells all camelly. if anything, folks-- (cheers and applause) i believe just one poor door is not enough. because if i'm paying over $25 million for a penthouse apartment, why should i have to be stuck in an elevator with whatever vagrant is dwelling in the 15 million dollar half el one floor beneath me. under 20 million dollars, what is this bang da lesh-- bangladesh? no, poor doors-- poor doors are just the latest in a trend that helps us have's no the have to see the have nots. we have skyboxes, set of bleachers, personal shoppers instead of going to a store
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and an airport, first class has its own tsa lane. i mean even the happiest place on earth is happier for us because we can pay up to an extra $500 an hour to skip to the front of lines at disney world. even better, we get to meet snow white's top secret 8th dwarf. (laughter) but as exclusive as all these perks are, i think occasionally i still run into average people like my chauffeur or my chef. and i just got to say, what is the point of being rich if you can't be left alone with your money? that's all we ask. (laughter) there must be a simple way to get away from average people. i don't need a penthouse. i would settle for something small and luxurious. maybe a tiny silk lined apartment with a pillow to lay my head on. just room for one. carved on a single piece of
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mahogony with brass handles for sticks for my servants to carry me to my country place. it's not a big piece of land but at least it's in a gated community. and that's the word. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) [ male announcer ] considering all your mouth goes through, do you really think brushing is enough to keep it clean? while brushing misses germs in 75% of your mouth, listerine® cleans virtually your entire mouth. so take your oral health to a whole new level. listerin®... power to your mouth™. so take your oral health to a whole new level. a mint flavor that hointensifies as you chew..
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5 ascent gum. stimulate your senses. for people that are up for anything.a real town there's still time to record a video submission at oookay! great practice, guys. jerry, wash your hands next time. bud light is creating a town this summer and you can go. find out more at wanna meet the band? o-m-goodness! step on up. hey... whoa! groupies are easy. crazy good!
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♪ i voted for culture... ...with a 'k.' how are you? i voted for plausible deniability. i didn't kill her, david. and i voted for decisive military action. ♪ america, you cast your votes. now, go to xfinity on demand and select the people's hotlist to see this summer's top 100 shows and movies.
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i voted! >> welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. folks, (cheers and applause) >> folks, time was to be famous you had to ride the bus-- whether it was acting or jumping or owning a large pair of pants. but these days fame is finally democratized. just look at kim kardashian. i am a huge fan of whatever it is she does. (laughter) she has proven that becoming a celebrity can be a skill all of its own. and now the tragically famed deficient can get a taste of her superstardom at america's most exclusive
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boutique, the app store. >> reality star kim kardashian launched a new video game called kim kardashian-- in the game she instructs users how to become a-list celebrities. they start out on the e list, not a far stretch from her own life. >> stephen: that's right. the kim kardashian hollywood app simulates her rise to the a list. to win you must carefully navigate some 20 levels or upload one sex tape. you begin as a lowly e list store clerk until you are approached by kim who is having a fashion emergency. you help her pick from one of two dresses. then have a choice between giving it to her for no charge or playing the different game because that is the only option. but once kim takes you under her wing, you tap your way through the hottest photo shoots, the trendiest runway shows and the most vacuous celebrity parties avoiding
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anything that could set back your career. post hip do not date randy cade. the goal is to bring your avatar from the e list to the a list which takes hours of tapping on your screen. but all the hard work you're putting in is just as real as the fame you're achieving. (laughter) best of all kim is offering this virtual friendship for free. all she gets in return is bringing joy to her fans and $85 million. she might be able to take some time off from, again, i do not know what she does. (cheers and applause) her cash comes from in-app purchases. users can spend as much as $99.99 for 175,000 virtual dollars which they can then use to buy the lightning bolts of energy needed to complete paths.
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of course a real celebrity without never buy energy. your assistant picks up grams of energy for you from some guy with a face tattoo behind the in n out burger. folks, seeing average america throw away millions on a celebrity iphone game is disturbing because i'm not that celebrity. well that ends tonight. i'm proud to introduce my app steven-- stephen colbert, i'd tap that. the game begins (cheers and applause) the game begins when your avatar meets world famous celebrity stephen colbert and i greet with you my famous catch-phrase, give me $5. and unlike kim's game you have options am you can give me $5 or you can give me $10. that's if you write to c list friend level where you have the chance to give me
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$20. so folks, download now and start tapping your money my way. i need it. i'm just a few dollars short of the silver shutter shades. i need to get to be invited to kim's miami beach house. please notice me. please! we'll be right back. please notice me! please notice me! (cheers and applause)
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what if he doesn't pick up? he's my dad, ok. he always picks up. chuuucky. how's my boy doing? uhh, we're actually stuck in the middle of i-27 right now. hearing you loud and clear! i'm on my way. great. thank you, dad! oh! honey! bowl my next frame. i'll be back in 10. but we're winning. the boys need me! see, i told you he'd pick up. we have a great dad. i have a great dad. when people count on you, count on america's newest network. now with better call quality and high definition voice. happy connecting.
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♪ i voted for culture... ...with a 'k.' how are you? i voted for plausible deniability. i didn't kill her, david. and i voted for decisive military action. ♪ america, you cast your votes. now, go to xfinity on demand and select the people's hotlist to see this summer's top 100 shows and movies. i voted! >> stephen: welcome back, everybody meyer guest is a multiplatinum grammy winning
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singer/songwriter or you may know him, a loser. please welcome beck! (cheers and applause) hey, beck. thanks for being here, man. rabbi, thank you for joining us. unless this is an amish look you are going for. >> it's kind of a mixture. >> stephen: either yentl or witness, we'll find out. i haven't seen you since you crashed on my couch in l.a.. >> thank you for the kindness. >> stephen: no problem. everybody knows who you are. i don't need to go through your cd. let's get straight to the heat of the meat. you've got a new album called morning phase. >> uh-huh, pretty meaty. >> stephen: it's pretty meaty. the morning face, this is a kind letter gentler more contemplative beck here, a little folky in here. >> a little quiet, a little bit slow, good for massages, aroma therapy. >> stephen: do you have any
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like -- >> trying to break into that. >> stephen: any flute. >> a little-- . >> stephen: great, you should actually sell it as at starbucks with a little massage oil. >> right. >> stephen: you know, essential oils. why dow jump around in sometimes so many times. it must be hell on record store clerks to figure out where to put your next album. you know, i'll put it under neo low-fi rave funk. why do you zip around some of. why not just settle down in one style and be happy. >> i don't know. i just my to settle down. >> stephen: if somebody met you for the first time, didn't know your music and said so you are a musician, what is your music like. >> kind of how you described it, i think. >> stephen: theyo low-fi rave funk. >> yeah. jungle dub coolout lounge banjo as well. >> stephen: cool out lounge banjo. is there any of this. >> a lot of-- .
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>> stephen: your last project song reader was just sheet music. you didn't record it. >> that's right. >> stephen: okay. why did-- why did you do that? were a lot of fans coming up to you saying i love your music, i just hate you playing it. (laughter) >> i got tired of-- . >> stephen: dow ever feel any pressure when you've written something you think is good that you might screw it up when you record it. >> i think that all the time. i think there are songs that are good and then i record them and they're not as good. >> stephen: like they're perfect up here, they're perfect up here. >> or i can hear somebody else singing it better. >> stephen: that has been turned into an album as well. song leader, you produced that. >> a compilation. >> stephen: other people having recorded your music. >> and there a jack white song there an jeff tweedy from willco. >> stephen: are they better at your music than you are. >> i think they are, yeah. >> stephen: okay. >> yeah. i think i'm on to something. >> stephen: no, no.
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this latest album, i heard two of the songs you will be doing tonight. it is-- it's a softer, more contemplative, why beck-- is beck -- >> i shall why is beck sad. >> i just need a hug. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back with beck, morning phase. ♪ ♪ now t-mobile is setting music free. stream all the music you want. data charges do not apply, on the data strong network.
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can you fix it, dad? yeah, i can fix that. (dad) i wanted a car that could handle anything. i fixed it! (dad) that's why i got a subaru legacy. (vo) symmetrical all-wheel drive plus 36 mpg. i gotta break more toys. (vo) introducing the all-new subaru legacy. it's not just a sedan. it's a subaru. miller invented lite beer, the original 96 calorie pilsner, and that changed everything. this lead to fewer guys with beer bellies. which lead to more women attracted to those guys. which lead to dates, second dates, wedding bells and honeymoons. which lead to hubbada-hubbada boom! which lead to you. miller lite we invented lite beer and you.
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you're welcome.
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>> stephen: here with a new song from his album morning face, ladies and gentlemen, beck.
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♪ ♪ ♪ look around your ♪ only what you will ♪ when you're standing still ♪ ♪ where it goes. follow the drum ♪ ♪ ♪ i have a light up there
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♪ ♪ why does it hurt this way ♪ ♪ ♪ always a drum ♪ for everyone ♪ everyone ♪ you find someone to show me how to play the drum ♪ ♪ just let it go ♪
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♪ heart is a drum ♪ ♪ ♪ down down down bringing me down ♪ ♪ day after day ♪ turning me round ♪
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♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: beck, morning phase, good night, everybody
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it is 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on instagram. >> that was from the gathering of the juggalos. >> captured by dj paul three six mafia, asked the age old question is it technically a lap dance if you don't have a lap? comeem comoo comedians if you happened to come across this picture on instagram, what would you assume it is. >> me when i drank. >> that is is the last known footage of floating bear. >> chris: all right. joe derosa. >> i think that was a desperate


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