tv At Midnight Comedy Central September 2, 2014 12:01am-12:32am PDT
graphics designer bill marco. bill swufern the photo shop wizards who traches reality and digitally enhances it until it is to my liking. what a beautiful family. so congratulations to bill his wife katie and eva. coy not be happier if i were riding on a flying tiger with kate upton an donald trump. bill, get back to work. good night. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
it's 11:59 and 59 seconds this happened on vimeo everything is bigger in texas and that includes your liver. >> it's the-- the 99 pack. yup, 99 of them. >> 99 beers for 99 bucks. get them while you can. and good luck getting them home. >> yup austin beerworks upped the ante an dropped your panties with a 99 pack of deer, that is 693 in dog beers. if you drank its entire thing you would blow a .9999 and then just get an error message on the breathalyzer. >> this is like-- this is like you punishing your liver like it shot the president. don't drink all that. comedians, please give me a catch-phrase to help sell a 99 pack of beer not that it needs any help whatsoever drew carey, go.
>> not all alcoholics need to be anonymous. (applause) >> well done blane capatch go. >> i don't always drink 99 years but when i do [bleep] you cop i pay your salary! (applause) >> 99 bottles of beer on a douche-- 99 bottles of year, brendon walsh. >> because 100 packs are for alcoholics. >> it's time to start @midnight. welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick very exciting, tonight is tag team thursday. (cheers and applause) tonight's are playing for three followers of the @midnight, the winning comedians partner will receive a pair of monster dna head phones. (cheers and applause) but tonight's comedians are
very excited from "the price is right" weekdays on cbs drew carey! (cheers and applause) i was going to say i'm sorry on our show-- you host a [bleep] line, so you know that too. who are you playing for. >> i'm playing for@acidbeaver. >> remember, folks, only you can prevented acidbeaver. how many men have to lose their lips to acid beaver. >> yes. >> from the nerd poker on air wolf is blane capatch. (cheers and applause) doing his pitch perfect slender man cosplay. >> please don't sacrifice anyone for me. who are you playing for today. >> i'm playing for@carbeatel
because@volkswagen was already taken. >> okay good. and finally from the bone zone pod cast on the all things comedy network brendon walsh. (applause) who are you playing for. >> i'm playing for somebody without goes by the name of of@saadchaudhry. >> i think those were very accurate pronunciations. >> february etically written down for me on the secret card that i wasn't supposed to read. ripped from the internethead lines it's rapid refresh. here in the question cert an a dry breeze a body odor just blew in it is because burning man is continuing from the rain delays this is good for both sex was like to wear tutu and which
of the following photos got the most likes on instagram a, this lego car. he's gone crazy! crush. b this fun couple, right there. >> i love the eurythmics. >> i don't think sweet dreams are made of this. (applause) captain and chlamydia. (applause) 100 points for drew carey. or c the best one these cookie monsters. >> you had to blur out the dickneck. >> which one got the most likes. >> i will say cookie monster. >> okay, let's find out.
no the lego one what? no? i'm sorry you didn't get points. less's see the cookie monster. my cookie monster. tell me about shrinkage. >> what has four blue jobs. >> after we showed up to the party the only thing dry never this desert is ef rewoman's [bleep]. >> because those gueys only have 97 beers left. (applause)
college football kicks off this weekend. mascots calling our nation's sidelines. to keep the old mascots throughout history and also would work as really creepy villeans in a new home invasion torture like this sledge wielding maniac from purdue. is that ronald reagan? >> one for the gipper. >> better throw nancy the old sledgehammer. >> this next one the nebraska corn could be killer must strangle. that definitely ended up in a bigger mascot's butt. there's no question. there is no question in my mind. that that happened. >> that guy is appearing in
cops this weekend. >> come on blane blaine that was a real corny joke. >> it was pretty corny. >> a little colonel of truth in there. >> i don't know how we're going to found ourselve out of this maze of jokes. >> oh man. or the tcu foyting oh my god what is that thing? what is that? you can't let a child near that. why would you let a child near that. it couldn't be dirtier. comedians, please tell us what this a billion abomination against man is whispering to that wild,. >> hey kid, bring me those pills your mom keeps in her purse. points. >> blaine? >> it's a trap. (cheers and applause) brendon. >> hey, kid, want me to take
off my mascot head so we you can see my hornl chemical burn? (applause) that was the end of rapid refresh it's now time for hashtag wars. today was the anniversary of the first issue of scientific american being published. in 1845 which is the same year the creationist stopped paying attention to science. so in honor of the iconic magazine tonight's hashtag is ruin a magazine examples might be forbes illustrated or [bleep] fancy. 60 seconds go. >> field & stream and corks. >> morris day and time. >> real [bleep] simple jesus christ.
>> brendon. >> cigarette afficionado. >> mccalls are coming from inside the house. >> snake fancy. >> yes good. >> blaine. >> race hustler. >> all right, yeah points. brendon. >> upstate new yorker. >> yeah, good points. >> drew. >> boys life for men. (applause) >> this is much totally different than price is right. brendon. >> peephole magazine. >> yeah, good points. drew. >> the rob ford report. >> nice points yes. excellent. that brings to us the send of hashtag wars end us your hashtag, and tag those on @midnight. we'll be right back with more @midnight.
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detroit pittsburgh and chicago, tickets on sale now. and now it's time to play awkward family photos. (cheers and applause) obviously awkward family to the owe made an family industry of unearthing photos, over 250 points. caption these, family delightful photographs. first up these very close siblings. >> yes blane. >> dad says we're not allowed to talk to the press. (applause) >> points. >> drew. >> bonnie and chrooid some kids are [bleep]. >> it was the 30sment things were different then, come oning points.
>> next. >> these at that timed bros. too much personal [bleep] you [bleep]. you shouldn't sign on to an open network this is happen had. >> i leave my computer on for five minutes and this is what happened. i'm a guest here. >> always sign into a secure network. this is what happened. >> it's weird they're holding the auditions for the new tie lit message in this van. >> hey i dare to you kiss me. all right, last one this festive family this festive family. >> yes blaine. >> all these things can going the dog. >> points drew. >> the aristocrats.
>> well done points. >> well done. >> beautiful. beautiful. yeah brendon. >> cheers is filmed in front of a live studio audience. >> points. that's the end of awkward family photo time for our next game, be our guest be our guest. (applause) it's all daytime talk shows a savage train wreck would be unfair to amtrak. a job to encapsulate the guests for being on the afternoon tv show and one sentence title card that when taken out of context is hilarious. so gal ryes of these are huge on facebook and imager. i will show you a daytime talk show guest for 250 point, you have to tell me what title they were given by the show. first one this hefner impersonator. >> oh why can't they come over for my tea party.
bring that of yours heman. >> was it, this is darren, what does he want, does he want to be taken seriously by his hospice care patients or does he want a drama free relationship, blaine. >> i think he wants a drama-free relationship, chris. >> let's find out. >> he just wants a drama-free relationship. (applause) >> i'm going out. i'll be brack when i'm back. >> points for drewcarey. next one this deadliest catch extra right there. >> that's dave. what does he want. does he want the dance clam topless bra to add handi cap parking or does he want to-- and his girlfriend. who might work at the damp clam we're not sure. >> the damp clam already has handi cap parking so i think
you want the leg back. >> let's find out. >> he wants his prosthetic leg back from his girlfriend. >> i want my cds too. >> alcohol is a crutch and so are these crutches. >> all right. that would be the end of be our guest. it's time for our live challenge it's-- it's an erection year. it's an erection year. we're going have to pop boners live? >> i done know about you guys but i'm ready for a new kind of politician, one with integrity, one with new ideas, one with a huge sunburnt scrotum. i shall now explain, dave olinger is an 87-year-old nudist who ran for sheriff in washington. there he is. >> oh man! >> oh my gaurb, the white walker! >> he's covering up the goodness with those jorts.
>> i hate side boots sometimes. now this man did not win the election but a recent "l.a. times" profile of him was making the rounds on facebook so comedians during the break i will have you write some choice lines for his next campaign speech. we're going to get your answers after the break with more @midnight. meat sticks! yeeeeesss these sticks! nooooooooo yyyeeeeessss nnnnnooooooo yesssss nnnnooooooo yesssss snap into a yessss. snap into a slim jim! meat sticks! yep! nope. uh huh! uh oh. oh, yes! oh, no. uh huh! snap into a par-tay.
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>> welcome book @midnight. over the break i showed you this picture from the "l.a. times" of an 87-year-old nudist who ran for sheriff in washington and asked you guys to write part of a campaign speech for him. let's hear those speeches drewcarey. >> a proud member of the tea bag party. >> nice. >> blaine. >> you can have my gun when you pry it from my cold head hands in about 10 minutes. >> good. >> brendon. >> my lip list of qualifications is
longer than my ball bag. lech me and together we'll outlaw dancing and interracial marriage or my name isn't-- (applause) >> i think i have to give everyone 2,000 points. (cheers and applause)
it's time for ominous fortune cookies. >> now the hashtag fortune cookie fail is something creepy we came across on tumblr like this one your problem just got bigger, think what have we done. >> i want to you give me other ominous fortune cookies 60 secondness on the clock, go. >> if you delete your history -- >> points points. >> that wasn't really chicken. >> points. >> brendon. >> the way you're going to die is hilarious. >> fantastic, points. >> your uber driver gary bouncey is out front. >> points. >> drew. >> you will taste the meat of a tall dark stranger. >> points. >> blaine. >> the ghosts of your parents watch you masturbate.
>> oh man! >> it's true it's true. >> confucius say silence is a true friend who never betrays unlike your whore ex-wife gail. >> okay, points. drew. >> one! >> brendon. >> con confucius say you can't open a book without learning and you can't open my laptop without seeing tits. >> excellent, points, that brings us to the end of ominous fortune cookies. i see you were barely in third place. that means we have to -- >> do you have any last words? >> you know, actually after the show since i got kicked off, if you could do me a favor. i want to make a individual yof two game show hosts one cup. >> yes. >> now now of course please so the trick of that game is whoever can come close toe the cup could going over--
that means it's time to trim the flock. it's for the win. it is august have autumn halloween is around the corner. seems like it starts earlier and earlier every year, let's getgoing with halloween. it is a form of comic con that freestyles around the country one night a year. and thank god for that because maybe not everyone should be allowed to play dress up, maybe not everyone should be allowed. comedians, i would like you to write the craigslist misconnection that explains this. >> that's got to be itchy. >> you know what is inside the sheep, a cookie monster doll. >> we will name a winner when we come back on
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what. so the winner will be decided by you the studio audience and also playing for your partner at home. before the break i showed you this image that we found of a costume i think. we asked to you write the craigslist connection that explains it. first one. >> you guy [bleep] a sheep at the party, me guy with a camera who wants 10 grand to keep this off the internet. >> all right. or one dollar! (cheers and applause) number two, who was that who was number two blaine cop ach, once again he wins with a dollar every time. you and your partner will get a pair of head phones, nice, those of you who didn't win you have to purchase a pair at stores like the rest of us.