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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 3, 2014 6:56pm-7:29pm PDT

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>> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, i don't have to tell you, folks, i do not have to tell you that the world out there is spinning out of control. the middle east is in flames. russian troops have crossed into ukraine, but the biggest news this weekend was the shocking invasion of boob-istan. jim. >> a hacking scandal is rocking hollywood this morning. >> a user on the popular photo-sharing site 4chan posted personal risque photographs sunday of numerous a-list celebrities in various stages of undress. >> a-list stars like jennifer lawrence, kate upton. >> singers rihanna and ariana grande and more than 100 other famous women in what many call the biggest celebrity hacking ever. >> stephen: the story, i believe, was broken-- story, i believe, was broke know by 14-year-old benjamin pearlman of
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akron, ohio who has diligently spent the last year goog ling the phrase "kate upton naked." great investigative work, benjamin. i'd like to shake your hand. actually, you know what? on second thought, thumbs up. ( cheers and applause ). apparently, unnamed 4chaners were able to acquire the photos from apple's iclouds. according to security experts it's possible the hacked celebrities hady's to get passwords rather than stronger pass phrases that are long and hard to get such as 1 day i ate 364 bannas & 13 cherry pies. although, i think it's pretty obvious which celebrity has that password. he is no stranger-- ( cheers and applause ) he is no stranger-- ( applause ) no stranger to nude scandal, because i have never seen one picture of him wearing clothes.
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( laughter ) folks, i condemn this gross violation of privacy because everyone takes nude selfies nowadays. keep your phone in your pocket right next to your genitals. it's only a matter of time before they get together after a couple of drinks. i stand with the huffington post which published a searing op-ed shaming anyone who looked at or shared these photos. see do not-- i mean this-- conot look at these photos. you don't need to. instead, check out all the sideboob and nip slip on huffpo's actual sideboob page. there's jennifer lawrence flashing sidebook at the rome film festival. that's why i call the -the moral full crom of the internet. of course, the internet isn't the only place people don't feel secure. there's also everywhere else. take last month's unrest in ferguson, missouri. it raised a lot of troubling
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questions. foremost among them-- is jake tapper going to be okay? >> these are armed police with semiautomatic rifles with batons, with shields, many of them dressed for combat. now, why they're doing this, i don't know, because there is no threat going on here, none, that merits this. there is nothing going on, on this street right now, that merits this scene out of bagram, nothing. what is this? this doesn't make any sense. >> stephen: now, jake is a friend so it is with the greatest respect i say you're an idiot. ( laughter ) the cops don't need armored personnel carriers because there's no violence. there was no violence because the cop cops have armored persol carryiers. same reason i don't need to have sex because i'm carrying a
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condom. ( laughter ) 9/11 showed us just how vulnerable we are to violent attack. that's why today i live in the gated community with a fence no terrorist could possibly breach, unless they somehow acquire stool technology. ( laughter ) so it's no surprise the same state-of-the-art security cameras that protect times square also protects scotsbluff, nebraska, population 1539. sorry, al qaeda, but the historic lake mina-tare lighthouse will never stop shining. what's that? it's not a functional lighthouse? you win this round, bin laden! ( cheers and applause ) , of course, cameras alone won't secure our shores, so congress passed the department of defense excess property program which distributes surplus military equipment to state and local law enforcement. it's all part of the pentagon's ongoing "take a tank, leave a
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tank" program. and it has done wonders for little towns like keene, new hampshire, which obtained a surplus $286,000 bearcat armored vehicle, which they had they needed because the threat is far-reaching and often unforeseen. keene currently hosts several large public functions to include an annual pumpkin festival. ( laughter ) definitely a target. we're talking about america's premiere pumpkin festival. need proof? name another one. ( laughter ) and it's not just spreading to local authorities, folks. federal allegations are also forming swat teams, the railroad retirement board, the consumer product safety commission, and the department of agriculture, because you never know when a genetically modified ear of corn might come around looking for a little payback. folks -- ( applause ) folks, as a great journalist once said-- >> what is this?
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this doesn't make any sense. >> stephen: here to make sense of whatever it is is former seattle police chief norm stamper. norm, thank you so much for joining me. norm, you're the officer of ranking rank, a top cop expoas a of the dark side of american policing. okay, you were the police chief of seattle, washington. you did some good work there. for instance, in 1999, the wto, world trade organization, meeting was going on in seattle. things went crazy. what did you do? >> well, we gassed nonviolent, nonthreatening protesters. >> stephen: good for you. good for you. okay. you have called that the the worst mistake of your career. why? is it because you know today there are so many other weapons you could use against nonviolent protesters. you could use a sound cannon now. >> look, we had all of our police officers out there, those on the front line, in military garb, carrying military weapons and engagin engaging in aggresse military actions against
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nonviolent protesters. we thought we had to do that. we believed we needed, for example, to clear a particular intersection. well, did we really? did we have to clear that intersection? >> stephen: they smashed the windows of a starbuck. don't you have the right to shoot rubber bullets. >> they went beyond smashing the windows. they actually took coffee from that store as well, in seattle. >> stephen: i believe aventi is grand theft. >> i believe it is. ( laughter ). >> stephen: but police are there to serve and protect, right? >> they are. >> stephen: isn't a bigger gun or more weaponry just more serving and bigger protection? ( laughter ). >> stephen, this militarization movement is exacerbations-- exacerbating a really strained relationship between police and community across this country. no more than in communities of color with poor people and young people, and we're supposed to be about developing partnerships,
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being part of, not apart from our community. >> stephen: why would the police want to be part of the community? because the communities are where the criminals live? >> well, because, this is america. >> stephen: okay. >> and the idea behind that-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you just played the "this is america" card. >> i certainly did. >> stephen: it's technically my card. but go ahead. ( laughter ). >> well, i stand corrected. >> stephen: all right, go ahead. it's america. >> i think it's vital that police officers establish genuine partnerships through the communities they serve. >> stephen: so the policemen get the equipment. here's one of the things i like about the pentagon program is you request the equipment. you have to declare the need. but if you don't use it within one year, you have to give the equipment back. and so, the police say they need it for something, and then they use it to prove that they needed it, proving that they did. diswnt that mean the system is working? ( laughter )
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>> what that does is create an incentive for police officers to get into one of those armored vehicles armed to the teeth, and in a predawn drug raid of a family home, hit a suspected low-level, nonviolent drug offender who was seen to be in possession of half a bag of marijuana. that's happening across this country. >> stephen: are you saying this stuff came originally-- it's not terrorism? it came from the drug war? >> it began with the drug war. >> stephen: okay, so how do we fix that, then? >> we end the drug war. we end is yesterday. >> stephen: okay. um-- ( cheers and applause ) hold on. mr. stamper, are you high? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're not high? >> i'm not. >> stephen: you're not high. >> no. >> stephen: i'm not wearing a wire. you can tell me. >> we have witnesses. >> stephen: on average, there were about 3,000 swat teams
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raids every year. there are 50,000 swat team raids every year now. what can i do to make sure that never happens to me? ( laughter ) >> well, behave yourself. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: all right, i am. >> and secondly, work with your neighbors. work with your community. organize, mobilize, tell your police department that we do not want to see this military equipment and she these military tactics employed in everyday, routine, sometimes not-so-routine circumstances. >> stephen: um, well, um, i'll tell you what, i hope there's never a reason to have you back. ( laughter ) but thank you so much for joining me. ( cheers and applause ). norm stamper, the author of "breaking rank." we'll be right back. we'll be right back.
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and eggo your way! ♪ just l'eggo my eggo and eggo your way! some drinks are hardly refreshing. i think we'll grab a redd's wicked apple. (trailing off) haaa new redd's wicked apple refreshingly hard. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks-- ( cheers ) folks, if you check your calendars, then you'll know that yesterday was labor day meaning it's back-to-school time. the days are getting shorter. the air is getting crisper, and parents arparents are shelling d money on a new backpack, even though the one direction backpack from last year is perfectly good, goddamn it. i cannot tell them apart. when i was a kid, school was hard, started at the crack of dawn and had to walk uphill both ways. but that's what they expected of
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us in m.c. escher high. ( cheers and applause ) s than of m.c. escher high. today, we've got soft on our kids. look no further than the professional boo-boo kissers at the american academy of pediatrics. >> only 13 of% of high school students get the optimal amount of sleep. that's eight and a half to nine and a half hours. the american academy of pediatrics believes this contributes tcontributes to obed pressure and depression. >> the nation's largest pediatrician group says delaying the start of middle and high school classes to 8:30 a.m. would help teenagers with their health. >> stephen: how will starting school later be good for kids' health? they'll miss the cafeteria breakfast pizza. it's the most important pizza of the day. ( cheers and applause ). according to this new policy, delaying start times can improve students' motivation in class and mood. well, when america's largest group of respected doctors tells me allowing teens to sleep in can make a world of difference
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to their school performance, i gotta say-- nice try, kids. you almost had me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) usually -- very close. usually, your fake notes have a doctor's signature. for this one, you made up a whole academy. nicely done. what's next, the national organization for thigh thurn awareness recommends no rope climbing. you get up that rope, mister. it builds real-life rope skills. so you high school kids-- ( cheers and applause ) so you high school kids do not need to go to school later. you need to go to bed earlier, by which i mean after midnight. stay weak. i'm still talking. i'm still talking. we'll be right some drinks are hardly refreshing. i think we'll grab a redd's wicked apple. (trailing off) haaa
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new redd's wicked apple refreshingly hard. i will support and defend the constitutionilor. of the united states of america and i will obey the orders of those appointed over me. i represent the fighting spirit of the navy and those who have gone before me to defend freedom and democracy around the world. i proudly serve my country's navy combat team with honor, courage and commitment. i am committed to excellence and the fair treatment of all.
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you may be muddling through allergies. don't get caught off guard. try new zyrtec® dissolve tabs. powerful allergy relief now in a tablet that starts dissolving instantly. new zyrtec® dissolve tabs. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is it an emmy award-winning actor currently starring in "homeland." please welcome mandy patinkin. ( cheers and applause ) mandy. good to see you again. nice to have you back. wonderful to have you here. >> good to be here. >> stephen: and even-- even better to have you here to have your beard back. it's so-- ( cheers and applause ) so lovely. >> it just brings me along wherever it goes. >> stephen: you know, you
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didn't have one for about a year, right? you took it off. >> i did. i took it off the minute i finished shooting. >> stephen: okay-- >> because i feel younger. >> stephen: really? >> without it. >> stephen: don't get me wrong. you've got, as my people say, a lovely little puttum there. >> thank you. >> stephen: the fact that the beard is back lets moo know that "homeland" cannot be far away. the new season starts october 5. ( cheers and applause ) did you know that the show was going to be less frightening than reality? ( laughter ) because the world has gone mad. the world has gone crazy since the last time you guys were on the air. >> yes. >> stephen: what is that like as an artist? >> sad. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> a bit overwhelming at times. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> when i get up every day, i read the newspaper on my phone. i drive to work. i hear the headlines on the
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radio. and it's overwhelming. >> stephen: it's like they're stealing your scripts. ( laughter ). >> it is, but i have an antidote for it all. i have a solution that i've come up with that i think will balance my participation in this world for however long i might have left to be in it. and i would like to know if you'd be interested in joining me. >> stephen: uh, yes. ( cheers and applause ). yeah, i will join you-- i will join you in whatever the answer is. >> well, given the state of the world and its epicenter, which i feel is the middle east -- >> stephen: i don't have to go to the middle east, do i? >> no, you can do it all from this studio, if you'd prefer. but as soon as this season finishes, season four of "homeland," i am going to tear a page out of your book, your
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presidential campaign book, and i am going to enter myself to be possibly elected as the new prime minister of israel. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what do i do? >> i would like to suggest that given your right wing point of view on occasion -- >> stephen: i consider myself an independent, but go ahead. >> that you would be my security adviser. because security is paramount in that part of the world, and, therefore, i feel that with you as the head of security and me as the head of moral and ethical attitude toward humanity, the combination of the two might calm the region into, on occasion, laughing at itself,
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which on occasion, maybe you're not aware of it -- >> stephen: i'm not. >> but people laugh at you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: really? there's no greater-- there's no greater country than america. do you agree with this? >> america? >> stephen: the beautiful. >> the great-- you think it's the greatest country in the world? >> stephen: greatest country in the history of the world. >> it might be-- it might be one of the greatest countries in the world, but right now we are shooting season four of "homeland" in cape town, south africa, and i can't get over that i'm privileged to be in that place right now because of the world's state of being, being so horrifying, i'm living in a place where a self-confessed terrorist, named nelson mandela, was imprisoned for many, many years, and came out of that prisoner situation without vengeance. and with --
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>> stephen: why should he come out without vengeance. he was a self-professed terrorist. we went to jail. he paid his debt to society. he should come out and policy. >> well -- >> stephen: no, no, no, don't you ah me if i attack nelson mandela. >> and you aren't the first to attack nelson mandela before apartheid was absolved. there are still people who wish apartheid is in place. maybe you're one of those people. >> stephen: don't you dare say i'm pro-apartheid. i'm just for whatever works. >> fine. >> stephen: law and order. law and order. i'm for arming the police with tanks. >> in that case, then i think america say better place for you than south africa at this point in time. >> stephen: america is a better place than any place in the world. >> good. >> stephen: okay? are you-- are you part of the "blame america" crowd? >> i'm a little concerned with some of america's policies in some instance.
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>> stephen: oh, really? >> yes. >> look, i'm sorry you're not. i'm sorry, you think it's a perfect country. i'm sorry you think our policies around the world -- >> stephen: it's not a perfect country. some americans don't love our country. ( laughter ) ( applause ) mandy, mandy, would do you one thing for me? >> make me. >> stephen: okay, you are such a comforting presence. >> oh, thank you stephen. do you want me to hold you. >> stephen: no, would you-- in a moment-- >> come here, come here. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i would like you-- i would like you to look into the camera, and would you just say to the world-- a worried world. there's a worried world out there. now, would you please just look into the camera. >> all right. >> stephen: a worried world and with-- you know, use all your powers. say those words. make them feel better. but at the core, let us know you're not sure if it's true.
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( laughter ). >> there, there. everything. will be. okay. >> stephen: mandy patinkin, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) before using her new bank of america credit card, which rewards her for responsibly managing her card balance. before receiving $25 toward her balance each quarter for making more than her minimum payment on time each month. tracy got the bankamericard better balance rewards credit card, which fits nicely with everything else in life she has to balance. that's the benefit of responsibility. apply online or visit a bank of america near you.
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no! could have gotten me one. i did. grab a spicy smoked sausage breakfast sandwich. it's the smoked sausage you crave, now spicy.
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wow! [ narrator ] on a mission to get richard to his campbell's chunky soup. it's new chunky beer-n-cheese with beef and bacon soup.
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i love it. and mama loves you. ♪ some drinks are hardly and mrefreshing.ou. i think we'll grab a redd's wicked apple. (trailing off) haaa new redd's wicked apple refreshingly hard.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's if for the report, everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central
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captioned by media access group at wgbh
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. thank you for being here. my guest tonight, ramita navai. she is the author of "city of lies." i don't want the give anything away, but it turns out everybody is lying. you don't want to know. first we turn to washington, d.c.,, home of our nation's most respected institutions and also the government. >> americans have a very low opinion of congress, and this next story probably so s not
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going to help that very much. >> jon: oh, crap. what did congress do this time? what did they kill a veterans' bill to make a food about food stamps or outlaw tan because the president wore the color? what did that kick a puppy in an elevator? what did they do? >> new york's junior senator kirsten gillibrand says she's been the target of some very inappropriate sexist comments right in the halls of congress. >> jon: not just sexist comments, enappropriate sexist comments. that's my least favorite kind of sexist comment. how does that happen? the senate is an august body, the saucer that cools the hot tea of our democracy. congress is the upper house. surely sexism, even the inappropriate kind, is beneath them. >> she says an older male colleague told her, "good thing you're working out because you wouldn't want to get


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