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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 4, 2014 9:34am-10:10am PDT

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might not last that long. (laughter) because the whole damn world is swirling down the toilet boil, which is also full of planes. (laughter) how both of those are possible, i don't know. i'm going to say fracking. (laughter) but isis is putting on horrific murder videos that are so crushing to even consider. and its at dark times like this that we americans need our president to step on to the world stage and declare that america is going to hunt down the bad guys and give them a taste of what general washington used to call the old wooden groin berries. (laughter) yes, he also had wooden balls. a tragic cheree tree-chopping accident as a child. why he and martha never had children. (laughter) we all know what we need to do. >> why aren't we declaring . >> why are we not declaring war, purely so we can take the action necessary to protect us at home.
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>> just like the administration, the pentagon is relauck tenant to use that three letter word that is spell -- >> yes, we need to declare war on whatever doocy just spelled. >> hey, that spells war too. but listen, to why obama won't. >> we don't have a strategy yet. >> so what? (laughter) no strategy was our strategy the last time we started a war. (laughter) there are no surprise, folks. professor plans-an-lot is once again overthinking this whole killing people thing. >> the white house aidee immediately telling me look, what he's saying is it is a two-step process and ultimately he wants to destroy isis. in the meantime wants to manage this threat. >> two-steps. i can't wrap my brain around
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something as complicated as two-steps. that's like expecting me to shake and bake. i'm hungry. you just shake and start eating raw chicken. (laughter) and even worse, even worse is what obama's two-steps are. >> it's going to take time for us to be able to roll them back and it is going to take time for us to be able to form the regional coalition that's going to be required. our objective is clear. and that is to declayd-- degrade and destroy isil. >> i get the destroy but how are we supposed to degrade them, hack their news selfies from i cloud? enough with the talkie thinkie. after pearl harbor did fdr go before congress andiamer on about building trusts with allies and how tojo wasn't a true representative of the noble japanese people? no, he said it was a day that will live in infamy and he threw eleanor over his shoulder, rolled off the lincoln bedroom yelling frankie wants some pankie.
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take control! take control of your life, sir! (applause) this is what we need. and it is no wonder with behavior like this it's no wonder people are looking for a new leader. >> with netanyahu you have a man who puts a country before the world, with obama you have somebody who puts the world before the country. >> we get like netanyahu or like putin in for 48 hours. >> where is our plan of action? germany's got one. germany's on the move. >> stephen: yes, there is nothing more reassuring than the phrase germany's on the move. why can't they lead the united states. (applause) but there might be, folks, there might be someone even better than germans to lead america to war. >> in sharp contrast to president obama, british prime minister david cameron getting tough on terrorism. >> i wish our president was showing the same leadership that david cameron showed. >> thank god for david cameron. he actually sounded like the leader of the west. >> i love what david cameron is saying. and i wish our president
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would say the same same thing. >> stephen: yes, prime minister david cameron, a name synonymous with-- wait, that's not tony blair? where's tony blair? (laughter) last friday came here gave a speech about isis that showed he's got a stiff upper lip and even stiffer lower stack. >> my first priority as prime minister is to make sure we do everything possible to keep our people safe. the root cause of this threat to our security is quite clear. it is a poisonous ideology of islamist extremist. we could be facing a terrorist state on the shores of the mediterranean. >> the joint terrorism analysis center has increased the threat level in the united kingdom from substantial to severe. >> that's right. they have raised the terror threat level from substantial to severe which is just one step away from the u.k.'s highest level supercalifragilisticexpiali--oh -[bleep] (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and that is no
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not-- folks that's not the only difference between these two leaders. look at cameron's suit during the speech it says power, dignity, strength. while obama's suit says i'm a groomsman in an august wedding. (laughter) but even david cameron peals in comparison to the man i would like to see lead us, frank underwood from house of cards. (cheers and applause) >> folks, if you haven't stolen your ex-girlfriend's netflix password yet frank underwood is a washington power player who rose to prominence through lying, scheming, backstabbing and murder. but gets things done in washington. if you combine that-- if you can buy into that t is a really great show. i'm not the only one who is sporting serious underwood, jim. >> it does seem like president obama has a little bit of frank underwood envy. >> would washington run smoother in frank underwood
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was calling the shots? >> stephen: yes, washington would run smoother if fictional netflix characters were in charge. i mean who, who, who, ladies and gentlemen, would dare pick a fight with house majority whip crazy-- crazy eyes. (applause) god, how i wish frank underwood were president. but that can't happen because house of cards is just a tv show. (cheers and applause) but steven, i hate to inform
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you that this is also just a tv show. >> stephen: well, president francis underwood, i can't believe it. >> please, steven, i detest for mamiits, just call me president frank underwood. >> stephen: well, it is a real honor to have you here, sir. i'm a huge fan. how do you get some of done? >> well, it's like i always say, steven, a dog doesn't need to show its teeth as long as there's growls deep enough. his food bowl is full and he knows where all the bones are buried. (laughter) >> stephen: wow. i have no [bleep] idea what that means. (laughter) (applause) but i got to tell you-- that, that was menacingly homespun, sir. i just hope obama was watching. >> oh, i'm sure he is, stephen. "the colbert report" is tremendously influential. it's like a meet the press that people actually watch.
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>> stephen: oh, well, sir, do you watch my show. >> no, i haven't had the pleasure. i'm waiting for the whole series to be over and then i'm going to binge watch from episode one. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i mean you're going it to have the opportunity pretty soon because the show ends in mid-december. >> ah. well, i offer you my congratulations and my condolences. what are your future plans? >> stephen: well, i haven't really made any specific plans, but-- i mean you have proven that a charming south carlinian can rise quickly in washington d.c. i mean maybe i will head down there. >> really? >> stephen: yeah. >> i like that idea very much. i would like to take you under my wing. >> stephen: really, i thought you would be threatened by my ambition. >> no, no, nothing like that. in fact, i would love to give you my special tour of d.c. just take the last train
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down, i'll meet you on the edge of the platform. >> stephen: well, that sounds great. i'll meet you the very next day after the show's over. >> it's a date. and stephen, for reasons of security f anyone asks where you are going, just say to commit suicide. >> stephen: got it mum's the word, thank you, sir, i'll see you then, president frank underwood, everybody. we're going to be friends. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (ch
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. nation, thanks so much. folks, i don't have to tell you it's no surprise we all know, we all know that air travel is terrible. flights are always late, they cut the sex scenes from the movies. and the seat belts are nowhere near long enough to hang yourself. (laughter) and things are only getting worse. >> as planes have become more packed, flight attendants say they have noticed an increase in the
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number of incidents involving unruley passengers. a woman knitting decided to recline her seat. a woman hine her was trying to sleep and she had her head on a tray table. according to passengers she started screaming and swearing. >> last night on the american airlines jet from miami to paris, a man fought with a passenger seated in front of him, he says because his legs hurt from diabetes. a flight attendant tried to calm the man who reportedly became more irate and grabbed at tend ant by the arm that is when air marshals broke their cover. >> stephen: that's right, armed marshals are now poised to subdue the disgruntled. making the four seating classes now first, business, economy and the hunger games. (laughter) and in the battle for leg room, the weapons are getting more and more sophisticated. >> the two passengers in middle seats in economy plus, those are the seats you pay extra for a bit more leg room. the man in 12 b using what is called a knee defender on the seat back in front of
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him. those brackets placed on the tray table keep the seat in front from reclining. that meant the woman in 11 b could not lean back and she was not happy. an argument over personal space until she reportedly took a coup of water, throwing it into the face of the man behind her. >> stephen: i don't know why she didn't just change seats. they were the only two people on the plane. (laughter) nation, this is a trend. this is a trend across all major airlines. as airline weekly put it, quote, densification is a major trend in the industry now. and when there's major densification you can expect a little punchification. some shoutening and eventually someone is going to get stabulated. but let me assure new is happening for the best possible reasons, flyers in the back of the plane are getting squeezed to give passengers in first and business class more room. now it might seem unfair,
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but this is the natural order of things as explained by this representative from united airlines. >> i belong to the front. you belong to the tail. keep your place. >> stephen: and no, you may not have a whole can of apple juice. i say that airlines have to do more to turn coach conflicts into entertainment for us wealthy flyers. why are we not getting a live feed of these aisle fights for our personal plasma screens? forget that dinky knee defender, let's strap some razors on those elbows and major on these people like they from game-cocks, my money is on the guy in 16 a. somebody hut business bag in the his overhood ben, he has the look of a kill. they can pack more people back there. a saw a revolutionary new seating design. not only you can pack twice as many people into coach, you can fill the cargo hold with spices and molasses to
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>> hey, well come back, everybody, my guest tonight is a gives scientific answers to hypothetical questions, please welcome randall monroe. (cheers and applause) hey, mr. monroe, thank you
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so much for coming on. >> thank you. >> good to see you. >> all right. >> now for those of you who may not know mr. monroe here, you are a award-winning creator of x-k-c-d. okay. that is a-- all the hip kids know it's a six-figure comic strip read by millions of people every week. let's settle the first thing. why is it called k-k-c, done. >> i kept picking different names based on what i was interested in things to set up an internet account. i got tired of being skywalker 4 and eventually wanted to pick something that had no meaning at all so i wouldn't get tired of it. >> stephen: but now it means you. now xkcd means you. >> yeah, i sort of ruined that. (laughter) >> stephen: okay. the style of your strip is one of the same time very basic but also very unique. let's show them example of yourself portrait.
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(laughter) all right. what, why? >> is this the best you can draw or do you just not want to waste time on it? >> drawing is really hard. (laughter) >> stephen: i understand. i understand but you have chose tone do it for a living. now you do extraordinary things with this strip. and you have taken that extraordinary thing and made it into a book now. it's called what if serious scientific answers to absurd hypothetical questions. all right. this is the sort of thing you will sometimes do in the strip. you will explain something complicated with your drawings. and in the simplist possible scientific mathematical or philosophical way. what are some of the things you're trying to explain in this book? >> one of the first questions people ask is what would happen if you try to
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hit a baseball pitched at 90% of the speed of light. >> what would happen? >> a lot of stuff happens. it happens really quickly. and not a lot of people get out alive. >> stephen: like there's a fireball that incinerates the pitcher, right. >> yeah, the ball fuses with the air in front of if. and you get a shell of x-rays that sweeps out and it starts disintegrating the batter and the catcher and also the pitcher. the pitcher is the first to go. and a lot of the examples you have in this books eng up with people, places or planets being destroyed. why do those, why are those the kind of questions that appeal to you most? >> i don't really know. people seem to like to ask questions that would have that as a consequence. but i feel like we spent a lot of time millions of hours collectively watching gifts of people walking into screen doors and falling off of things. so it seems like not a surprise that people would want to see an entire planet crash into something or blow
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up. >> we dually hit you with a couple questions beforehand here. i wonder if you have had a moment to think about these. take a stab. these are some that we posed to you before you came here tonight. how much does canada weigh? >> blaf laugh. >> so and we're talking all the way down to the core or just-- . >> stephen: just the canada part. >> just the surface part. >> stephen: inhabitable mantle. >> if you take a slice that's the whole thing, it would be something like 10 to the 23rd kilogram. the whole rert is something to the 24th. >> stephen: i was very close. i had 10 to 292nd. >> yeah, but-- . >> stephen: right there, okay. >> but. >> stephen: all right, that's good enough. i know you don't mean to educate us. but could you incidentally through humor and through your drawing, could you incidentally educate like
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quides about science and math? >> yeah, well that's actually how i got started doing this was i taught a class at mit for a weekend and they have a program where you can come in and teach a bunch of high-school students on any subject you're interested in. there's no like checking credentials or anything. and so -- . >> stephen: really, and they just trust high school aged children with men who come in with no credentials. >> yeah, i had a couple friends teaching class, one doing operating system design, another root beer taste. and i said i will teach a class on the fisks of energy. because that was something i had been studying and thinking about a lot at that time. and so i did, and i had never done a lecture before. so i started walking these kids through, you know, all of the equations i learned. i tried to make it interesting, but like by the first hour i could tell they weren't really, they weren't really with me. i recognized the bored expressions, because i've been that institute so many times. so i-- student to many times
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so i pulled out an example and started analyzing star trek. (laughter) so i started-- i started analyzing science fiction scenes. sow i said yoda when he pulls the out of the swamp in the empire strikes bag, you know, there's a certain amount of energy being used there. >> stephen: no, a certain amount of force is being used there, i hate to correct you. >> right, well-- . >> stephen: randall, thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: randol monroe, the book is what if. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) build your own chicken wraps or loaded breakfast sandwich. only $4 each. good eye, and very budget-conscious of you. does that mean i can get that new laptop? how about a shake instead? [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's!
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>> stephen: that's it for the report, ever, good night. night. ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪
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♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ where's the bus? we're gonna be late for football practice. hiya, sparky. who's that? that's my new dog, sparky. he followed me to the bus stop. wow, cool! good boy, sparky. who's my best buddy? who's my buddy? who's my buddy? ugh! you're making me sick, dude! he's part doberman and part wolf. he's the toughest dog on the mountain. no way! everybody knows that sylvester is the toughest dog in south park. [ growling ] he's not meaner than sparky! oh, yeah? let's see. hey, sylvester! sparky will kick his ass! i'll put a dollar on sylvester. you're on, dude! that's it, sparky! kick his ass! [ dogs panting ] huh. he's doing something to his ass.
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he's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass. sparky, bad dog! mrph rmhmhm rm! what?! yeah, dude, i think your dog is gay. what do you mean? that dog is a gay homosexual. [ whimpering, growling ] he's just confused. i think the other dog's the one that's confused. mrph rmhmhm rm! sick! shut up, dude! [ yelping loudly ] [ singsong ] stan's dog's a homo! stan's dog's a homo! chef: okay, children, i know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against middle park. who's middle park? what's homecoming? but just remember what i taught you -- that football is like making love to a really beautiful woman. you can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile. now, let's start practice. [ whistle blows ] [ british accent ] uh, mr. chef, sir? yes, pip, what is it? i still don't have a helmet. i know, pip. the school can't afford helmets for everybody. couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week?

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