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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  September 12, 2014 2:06am-2:33am PDT

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. ( cheers ). ♪ o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jim cornelison, everybody! good night! thank you, jim. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> it's 11:59 and 59 second this happened on sbnation cirque du soleil white couples trying to reshake
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their marriage looking at them moving around he rotically, it's also for major league baseball fans, apparently. >> the toronto blue jays game a silent film villain in a cape an twisty mustache had fans watching in horror as tim burton's cocaine hallucinations slit erred to the mound and threw out the first pitch. that would actually get plea to watch baseball. before you make fun of the pitch, remember the cirque du soleil performers are literally 30 times more athletic than professional baseball players. >> fortunately canadian baseball fans are polite but if this happened at a game there faumsly alcohol soaked fenway park those formers would have been killed. canadians. please give me a tweet of red sox fans if circumstance did due-- cirque du soleil threw out the first pitch in boston paul tompkins can go. >> i consider myself the most sexually confused baseball fan on the face of the earth. >> nice. (applause)
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>> i didn't know we could afford those kinds of fancy effects, john hodgman go. >> as a bostonian myself and the world's biggest sports fan, this really took me by surprise but our commonwealth was the first to legalize gay marriage, we have a long liberal position but i will keep an open mind but [bleep] the yankees in all their open holes. (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> greg proops. >> i wish my penis was a small blond lady. >> it's time to start @midnight. welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is ceremoniously tag team thursday. tonight's comedians are playing for lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account. so they will both be winners host of var eye toppia an largo and coreonet paul f
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tompkins. (cheers and applause) >> i'm here on earth i'm a person. >> who are you playing for. >> i'm playing for lastchancealice. >> wow i done know if that is the right inflection. >> at the paramount these never texas september 12th john hodgman. (cheers and applause) >> thank you for that. >> who are you playing for today. >> playing with@sparky801. >> from the smartest man in the world podcast on itunes performing at good nights in raleigh north carolina greg proops. (cheers and applause) >> i thought you were doing -- >> hello mrs. doris. >> greg's not here right now crist.
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>> who are you playing for. >> thank you for asking. i'm playing for@junior undercore varsity. i enjoyed this panel because right now i feel like i'm on a hog warts disciplinary committee. (applause) let's begin ripped from the internethead lines rapid refresh. (cheers and applause) >> it's time to play headline jumble. this is something to post weird news story comes to us from june per-- jupiter florida former home of bert renolds is like jupiter the planet, muggy toxic but more transmannian devil. i'm not going to tell you what the story is about but the headline includes the word cherries waffle tennis and arrested so
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comedians what is the huffington post florida story about a an on probation tennis instructor burned down a waffle house because they neglected to put cherries in a shirley temple? (laughter) >> b a children's party clown date waffle was arrested for attack kids with a tennis racket when he suspected his partner cheree of giving a hand job to the father of the birthday boy. c cherry's waffle tennis is the name of the woman arrested for using a stolen credit card to buy a spear gun. one of these is real paul f tompkins. >> well, now these all could be real. >> yes. >> and i cannot wait until the experiment that is florida is concluded and we see the results. but here's what i wanted to see is c. >> all right let's find out, the correct answer is c. cherry waffle-- wow wow.
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>> wow defiant to the end cherry waffle tennis. bonus points what is the more likely crime to have allegedly committed than allegedly using a stolen credit card to buy a spear gun. >> known mixing. >> a violent offender. violent. who doesn't want to have the last name tennis. >> nobody. >> anyone? bravo. a hundred points for greg proops. >> [bleep] [bleep]. >> the first time i've been prooped. >> all right 45 years ago this week scooby-doo where are you premiered introducing to us scooby an his crew of stoners misfits and closet cases who solve mystery by pulling monster masks off elderly amusement
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park owners every time. the characters inspired some the weirdest deviant art we have ever seen. and that's saying something because-- i haven't even show it to you yet. hurry up please hurry up and show me. (applause) which of these pieces on deviant art has the most morbidly obese velma which is really a deviantart name. >> the loving way. >> b scooby after a few too many scooby snacks. or c daphne and velma on hgh. yes. >> second one is upsetting
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beyond all measure which one got the most views. >> the first one i wish i could unsee no you can't. >> i'm going to go with c. >> let's find out. >> c. >> can i point out that daphne clearly planned ahead right. velma like has been wearing that sweater the whole time? >> yes. she's not -- --. >> jeungy. for bonus points what is the mystery these buff ladies might solve. >> the taste of the vanishing menstrual cycle? (applause) >> that brings us to the end of rapid refresh. it's now time for the hashtag wars.
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>> in honor of the 45th an ver-- anniversary of scooby and the gang but not scrappy do he was an a bob -- abomination. scrappy cartoons. the power snuff girls or spongebob scare pants. i'm going to put 50 seconds, go. >> rosemary's muppet baby. >> points. >> what have you done to that eyewitnesses fatal better -- >> ritual slaughter of porky pig. >> points. >> inc.y and the inoperable brain tumor. >> i spit on your grave and stimpy. >> where in the woods is carmen san diego.
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>> bruce. >> duck man that guy's got an axe. >> oh good no one ever talks about duckman. i loved that show. >> bob's burgers is-- (cheers and applause) >> that brings us to the end of the hashtag wars send us your hashtag spooky cartoons and use the hashtag. we'll be back with more. >> congratulations to a queen of the day from yesterday's hashtag wars well get 4 lines for just a hundred bucks a month. with unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. no overages no contracts we'll even buy you out of yours. so make the switch today. when you told me about this "candy crush" game at first i thought "so what?", but now i can't stop playing. that's not how it works. i mean it's so simple. it's like my car insurance.
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i saved 15% in fifteen minutes. well esurance could have saved you money in half that time. three in a row! sweet! 15 minutes for a quote isn't so sweet. level 2! start with a quote from esurance and you could save money on car insurance in half the time. welcome to the modern world. esurance, backed by allstate. click or call. . >> welcome back to @midnight. if it time to play black and wtf. it comes it from the tumblr black and wtf that proves white people have been doing weird [bleep] since the beginning of photography. i'm going to show you a
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black and white photo from the tumblr and for 250 points your job is to give me the 1930s news real title that goes with it but you have to do it in voice. first because they didn't give a crap but wide riding one of the most dangerous safari animals what is it. >> crime spree ended. police capture notorious bank robber baby body muldoon during a poorly thought out getaway. (applause) >> points. >> would anyone else like to weigh in. proop os. ask your parents for-- proop for breakfast. (applause) >> gregg proop. >> be careful young man you don't know whose side he is on. he might be a hip pot muss. >> hodgman.
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>> child billionaire gets whatever he wants. (applause) >> points. >> including a man with a hat. take one. these two strapping fellows. >> yes yes. >> breakthrough. >> the two man devineing rod finally finds a woman. >> army scientist finally perfect sexual innuendo. >> take that mr. hitler. points. >> looks like he's on the wrong end of a dictophone. >> points.
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(cheers and applause) >> next one. >> this lady riding a zip line or instrict-- incorrectly operating a kite. >> that is-- that is depression era upcircuit if i have ever seen one. >> just had some-- fruit below the equator. >> but that's not all it can do. if can also unstick those door handles. use it on your desoto. >> paul tompkins. >> special bumper edition. >> paul tompkins. >> here say girl with helium block finally returns to earth's atmosphere. (applause)
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>> careful lady there's a war on. remember loose lips sink ships. >> yes nice nice. >> wait a minute. >> see what i did? >> proops. >> next one. >> this dk tore really strange love. >> scientific search for its long rumored female orgasm continues. (applause) >> points. >> it would just have him looking up and going? (laughter) >> it just does not exist. >> time simply doesn't support it, i tell you. >> i poked out both her eyes.
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>> not one orgasm. >> women's head imprisoned after bizarre independent thinking spree. (cheers and applause) and that's it brings us to the end. it's time for our live challenge, star wars a new low. details about the new star wars fill really few and far between so at this point we'll grasp at anything for clues for example this photo captioned r 2-p2. >> what happened to you r2 pissing in a lowly convenience store parking lot. we really want to believe this is a still from a new fill number which he has made some really bad choices. they have to pick him up in a convenient store but comedians during the break please give us a synopsis for the superdepressing story line in the new film. we will get the answers with more @midnight
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what's better than clicking into a fresh new blade? never running out of them again. get gillette's best blades delivered to your door for about $1 a week at gillette. >> well company back to @midnight -- before the break i showed new photo from reddit captured r2-d2 and asked for a synopsis for his superdepressing story line in the if you il am. let's see you what wrote. greg proops. >> after getting hooked on the prima uncut heroin from the y sarx vin 4 he must pay his dealer by drugging jar jar pinks and cutting out his kid know in the bathroom of a philly motel.
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-- filthy motel. >> i wrote r2-d2 goes on a bender after learning he's not really a robot, just a little person shoved into a trash can. (laughter) >> paul f. >> years of projecting holograms left r2-d2 with uterine cancer his vital fluids constantly leaking out and is saved by a bounty hunter who took two years of medical classes on union. he survived and became the spokesdroid for flomax. >> a thousand point 500 to paul f 200 to greg proops, to our next graham -- game ride below the crupper. >> people are funny in old entimes, they did. oh boy.
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but then for different reasons. >> points. >> the catalog some hilarious ol slack for sex including fadoodling making feet for children's stock and the aforementioned ride below the crupper. comedians i challing-- challenge you to come up with fake ol timey terms for boning as you can. i will put 60 seconds on the clock starting thought. >> fill my great depression. >> fascinating archduke ferdinand. >> waxing the secondary mustache. >> paul f. >> the greater gattsby. >> points. >> crossing the delaware. >> yes points. >> benedict cumberbatch. >> put that on your sherlock.
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>> exploding the german zeppelin. >> yes points. >> charging up san juan hill. >> good points within the poon landing. >> [bleep]ing but start with a q. (applause) >> that brings us to the end of ride below the crupper, i see greg proops are are narrowly-- narrowly in third place and must be eliminated. what do you have to say. do you have any last words. >> yeah. i'm going to miss you guys. no i-- i'm just happy to be here. i'm glad that the good lord gave me the ability to play this way. and-- red light. >> now it's time to feel the power. it's for the win. looking for a fun family getaway?
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why not dry the kernie as-- concern yeaux's onerland amusement park in germany. does this not look more fun and ter fiing. her is a fun fact it was built on the former site of a nuclear power plant. where? i can't see. >> you have to look past the mountains, paul it's past the mountains. not the worst thing germany has ever done. i would like to thank instagram for capturing the true [bleep] -- [bleep] i want to you write a true review of the three mile fun island. we will have our comedian's answers and name a winner when we come back on @midnight it
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get 4 lines for just a hundred bucks a month. with unlimited talk, text and now up to ten gigabytes of 4g lte data. no overages no contracts we'll even buy you out of yours. so make the switch today. . >> welcome book to @midnight. this is for the win. it is name to ripe your scores clean. i will do it. >> don't do it. >> you must do t do it with hodgmana fruit. >> it wipes all the scores
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off your scoreboard. you saw the german-- seamlessly woven into the landscape asked to you write a trip advisor review of the park. let's see you what wrote. >> for those who prefer theme parks that offer no long-term threat to one's mortality stay away i my seven joy the sensation of my spleen and pancreas browning as i struggle to cling desperately to the neck of a wood earn horse. 8. >> or. >> i wonner who wrote that one. >> or. my wife and i's local cancer cluster are looking for a nice day out, not a 25 minute shower with a fire hose, i did enjoy the petting zoo, i never thought ghost kos get that-- goats could get that big. some lines were too long. >> number two is the winner who was number two? >> you now get to rip off
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paul f's mustache. congratulations. sorry alicing you had your last dance. until then, keep the game going on twitter under #for monday's tweet of the day. good night. - i am at peace. my will is free. - [whistling] - i am at peace. - [screeches] kyle! - adam? - kyle, i'm freaking out. - adam, what? - i'm freaking out, dude. - what is all over you? - i killed a guy! - what? - i just killed a guy, man. it was just--all of a sudden he was just there, and he wasn't dead; then i was like, "he's dead!" - are you sure it was a man? - it was a man! definitely a man he had long hair but it was definitely a man. - okay, okay, okay, calm down. we need you, buddy. the first thing we need you to do is get out of the
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