tv At Midnight Comedy Central September 16, 2014 12:01am-12:34am PDT
>> stephen: s? 's-- . >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org it is 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on gawker today. >> ladies and gentlemen your 2014 miss america is -- a pretty lady, i guess? i don't know. i am a dude. i was busy watching football! [ cheers and applause ] >> no. wait. i was actually watching dr. who and property brothers. >> i like hgtv too. but the folks at gawker compiled all the best miss america highlights and it plays like a weird vaseline sneered fever dream. but our favorite part was the
completely bonkers contestant facts. watch this watch. >> attacked bay cheetah in zambia. >> in 52nds, growing up with bob, great to know. slapped a shark when she was a kid! [ cheers and applause ] not a big deal i started slapping the shark when i was 11. comedians you are all in the @midnight ma subsequent right now so give us your own contestant facts nick kroll go. >> i was killed ten years ago tonight. [ applause ] >> chris: jon laboy. >> one says she was recite the alphabet backwards but i can recite the alphabet forward.
>> chris: i believe it. >> most of the time paul scheer go. >> i am the shark that learned to be human and i am super pissed that girl slapped my face. >> it's time to start @midnight! captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to the @midnight program, i am chris hardwick. tonight we have three costars of "the league" wednesday on fxx they are nick kroll, jon lajoie and paul scheer. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: kick it kroll! >> all right, all right. shut up, they get it. >> paul scheer wait, i get it so prison guys this time? >> well, look, actually chris i -- >> and my show tuxedo guy a bunch of guys in a bar having sex, a lot of them are underage
and now i am in prison, but the big fans of the show so they let me out. the i am real excited to be here. >> chris: welcome to the @midnight youth program. let's begin our program. ripped from today's internet programs it's rapid refresh. >> mocking day part one hit the trailer. >> this is with a skull. take a look. >> mockingjay part 1 hit the trailers. >> >> chris: that could happen. that could really happen. >> teenage need to express themselves with the subtlety of a nick las cage acting real. which of the following -- i got a little extra chuckle out of you. which of the following
mockingjay reaction got the most likes. >> the official hashtag mockingjay hashtag trailer. >> oh, somebody help! >> b. mockingjay trailer had me like -- >> the power of christ compels you. >> c. the everybody judged me so hard mockingjay. i wasn't emotionally ready for the trailer. >> like an idiot. >> which one of those got the most likes? >> paul scheer. >> i am going to say c because that performance is amazing. >> chris: let's find out. c is the correct answer! >> yeah! >> chris: welcome from the department of corrections. what would teenage you fight for to the death, jon lajoie? >> my parents' love. >> chris: that's okay.
hug it out. hug him. let's give him some three think points. >> some sympathy points. >> i feel like you are violating your release by touching other people, scheer. >> totally cool. >> we now like to bring you a story from the exciting world of south american women's cycling. >> the colombian women's cycling -- i know, we all feel it. the colombian women's cycling team unveil the new uniform last week and it is so ridiculous it has caused a frothing mixture of outrage with a side of giggles what is it about the uniform that is causing the ruckus. >> it becomes see through when the team starts 0 to sweat. >> oh, wait, that is just the first one. >> b the crotch area is flesh colored so it looks like their lady parts are exposed. >> c they feature a picture of the cocaine kingpin that funds the team. >> nick kroll. >> b. the correct answer is in fact b! [ cheers and applause ]
>> chris: no one no one bought this in the process? they were making these, he was like these little a little more pussier than the other ones. >> are we sure that is the brazilian team? >> name the cycling team. >> the most conservatively dressed colombian women. >> points. jon. >> the menstrual cyclists. >> chris: nice! well played! points. paul. >> you know what, i don't know their name but i know they are in the bush league. >> chris: points! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: oh, oh, oh! >> oh, tired. >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh, paul scheer, it is now time for tonight's
hashtag wars! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: so as we mentioned earlier there is a new miss america and miss new york took the crown again for the third year running but our favorite talent came from ms. ohio. >> super cal photographic ex-by aldo sister. >> supercalifragilistic- expialidocious. >> that is a thoroughly distasteful tribute to joan rivers. >> she would have laughed at that she would have laughed at that. >> chris: oh, wait i'm sorry we just got this breaking news oh, i am afraid there is yet another pageant scandal a shocking pornographic video of that contestant was just leaked online. i guess we can show it.
>> shameful. shameful. that is really my sweet spot. >> puppies and bestiality. >> chris: let's see what you can come up with even worst talent for tonight's #badpageanttalents. >> misunderstanding a question tearing a phone book in half or cocaine smuggling. >> i will put 60-seconds on the clock. go paul scheer. >> unbeatable at studio 60 on the sunset strip trivia. >> jesus christ, wow, that was a reach but i will give you points. yes. jon. >> speed alcohol poisoning. >> yes. points. paul. >> mastering a shrink can i. >> slinky. .. >> oh what a wonderful thought points nick. >> debunking the documentary miss congenial at this. >> miss congeniality.
>> yes that was totally fictional. points. >> christianity. >> points. .. paul. >> making a possible shot from a book depository window to make a president. oops, forget i just said that. >> chris: hey, points. nick. >> i detonate. >> okay. good. >> points. >> chris: that is the end of hashtag wars. send us your hashtags to @midnight to keep the game going. we will be right back @midnight. >> our tweet of the day from last @midnight was sent to us @bettiecrotcher. great name and well done!
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go to rent-a-center and get the latest samsung smartphones with no long-term contracts, credit checks or deposits net10 and rent-a-center, better smartphones for everyone. er invented lite beer, the original 96 calorie pilsner, and that changed everything. this led to advertising about great taste, which led to farmers letting fresh hops cascade through their fingers. which led to brew masters admiring their craft, which led to hand models reaching for a cold one. which led to slow motion pours of golden goodness. which led to super slow motion pours, with subliminal messages added in for good measure. miller lite: we invented lite beer, and subliminal advertising you're welcome. this. >> chris: welcome back to
@midnight. look at this! got this awesome lego structure of me, thanks at the brick nerds, it is me! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: it is time to play burr. >> play bury me in this. which is the most popular instagram hashtag. it makes them so happy they immediately begin to contemplate their ultimate demise and what they should dress when they are no longer alive. i will give me a line from their eulogy first one, this guy in a 30 less still very tux. >> silver tux. .. nick. douglas died doing what he loved most of all, molly. >> chris:. >> paul scheer died in prison.
>> chris: next one. >> this woman in her lego tiara. >> yes, nick. >> michelle loved legos, but unfortunately she still chose to lego her life. >> point. >> chris: jon. >> hard to believe she died alone. >> chris: points. >> chris: points. >> next one this bearded gents wearing a dump em out tittie tee. >> paul. >> barry will be truly missed at his women's studies class. >> chris: points. >> it is time for our next the game six-six-six flags!
amusements a parks are a great place to find out what you are actually made of and it usually turns out it is either poop, pee, or a puke and a or a mixture that i call poopy puke. it's like turducken only even more disgusting. comedians i am going to show you a thumbnail from a video clip of some people enjoying amusement park rides and for 250-point you tell me what happens. >> guy fakes a selfie and drops his phone into his own face or guys can't seem to stop passing out. let's find out. >> that was amazing. so fulfilling. >> passing out to him looks a lot like (bleep).
>> i can't tell the difference. >> that ride is called the vinegar stroke. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: well done. >> to be truthful when you get on that ride it says you must be this hard to get on that ride. >> chris: next one. girl screams sushi grade obscenities or dad pukes all over his daughter. >> i want them both. >> nick kroll. >> i just for clarification what is sushi grade on 7 at this. >> obscenity. >> chris: i mean really choice, amazing .. >> oh, okay. >> chris: like for a child to spit out some really sweet flares. >> not like sal upon (bleep). >> salmon (bleep) .. >> i am saying he pukes all over his daughter.
>> chris: let's find out. >> chris: whoa! >> to make it to the bottom, it is like -- yeah. >> she reacted as if this is a normal occurrence. >> hey dad dump them out! >> chris: that's the end of six-six-six flags and time for the last challenge, la llama maz class sugar warning alpaca vagina two words you can guarantee you didn't expect to hear, if you if you think normal
human birth is bad just think if you are an alpaca in a barn. hey! >> say, berniece i think you sat in some gum. >> this picture was all over reddit because it is a baby alpaca head sticking out of his mommy's hooha and that's the kind of picture they like to see so they can tell people they didn't need to see that. >> put on your best narrower voice and give up your nature documentary of this scene scene
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up to 10 lines for $100 a month simply put - it's the hottest deal in wireless. come in to a sprint store today. i thought there was a lot of cheese on the cheesy pub chicken sandwich but you clearly went all out here. there's places in here where there isn't cheese right now. i know. i'd like to keep it that way. - ( sizzles ) - announcer: cheese it up with the cheesy pub chicken sandwich. - ( clicks ) - ( phone beeps ) >> chris: welcome back to
@midnight. before this break, i showed you a picture of an up skirt alpaca who was actually giving birth. i asked you to give me some nature nature documentary let's see what you wrote,. >> preparing for a the warm winter he finds a warm place to higher nate he will remain inside his father until the spring. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: excellent. >> nick. >> the female alpaca vagina resembles the face of a baby alpaca, attracting other baby alpaca's to place when they get close enough they will be packed into the alpaca vagina. the cycle of life continues. >> chris: paul scheer. >> many people don't know the alpaca are amazing impressionists here the mother performs her rendition of a t-shirt character.
>> chris: i will give 1,000 points to nick kroll. >> 500 to jon lajoie. >> and 250 to paul scheer. >> and next is hollywoodn't. hollywoodn't. you are nobody in hollywood if you ain't got a punny tumblr devoted to you a real great celeb tumblers that caught our eye recently is food that looks like iggy azalea. >> comedians i think you can cobetter so i want you to give me stleb tumblers you'd never want to visit. or hell, maybe you would, i don't know. i don't watch you on the internet all the time. >> harry joe ottoman basically people with their feet up on hayley -- >> chris: points. jon. >> christian bale's from the crypt. >> chris: yes! >> christian's bail christian bale yelling as funerals. >> chris: nick kroll. >> taking a massive trump that is the pictures of people taking
(bleep) on the donald trump's face. >> chris: okay. great. points. paul. >> chris pratfall, it is just chris pratt just falling down. >> chris: okay. points. i will give you points. jon. >> vega genesis system of a down. >> chris: points. jon. >> matthew mccona-hate crime. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: points here. paul scheer. emma kidney stone. it is people with horrible kidney stone faces that kind of look like emma stone. >> chris: yes. perfect that brings us to the end of hollywoodn't. i see -- oh man. >> paul and nick are tied for first and jon, i am sorry you are in third placement we have to eliminate you, and you want with to -- did you want to leave with a song or something? [ cheers and applause ]
>> >> lonely, i am so lonely, i am going to go jerk off in my greenroom. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: just to clarify that is all of our greenrooms you are doing that in. >> yeah. >> chris: that's time to call 911, it's for with -- it's for the win. >> the nypd is taking steps to ensure that its misconduct in the streets is the only thing that gets them in trouble these days. how do you ask? by being better at comedy on twitter. yes. that's right, nypd teaches cops how to be twitter comedians like my manager always said chris you should be better at comedy on twitter and don't beat people to death when they are in custody. and the handbook on how to use twitter obtained by the "new york post" officers were instructed to use humor to gain
followers. we literally tried to find examples of this and could not. so help the nypd out and during the break come up with a tweet from a reluctant nypd officer trying to use humor. we will name our winner when we come back to @midnight. [ narrator ] mama sherman and the legion of super fans. no sign of him yet. keep looking. [ narrator ] their mission: to get richard sherman his campbell's chunky soup. hi, baby! hi, mama! take us home!
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'best ever' family pricing. t-mobile's got 4 lines for a hundred bucks. up to 10gb of 4g lte data so make the switch to t-mobile. we'll even buy you out of your service contract so you can get four lines for a hundred bucks today. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. oh, item, it's time for for the win. wipe wipe wipe, wipe. if you don't win are they going to kick the (bleep) out of you in prison? >> yeah, but that would be normal. so it is totally fine.
>> chris: yes. >> it does, the order of winning doesn't really matter in prison. >> chris: i asked you guys to tweet as the nypd to using their new handbook on humorous tweeting. the first one. knock knock who is there, orange who orange you glad you are an upper class white white male because -- [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: next one. next one knock knock, who is there bang, oh god, so sorry, i thought you had a gun. hashtag -- [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: i think number one has it. who one number one? >> nick kroll! >> you won the internet paul is going to get killed in prison now. >> you are the fun nest person for the next 23 and a half hours. our guests tomorrow will be kevin smith, justin long and jen
kirkman. >> until then keep the game going on twitter by tweeting up @midnight with >> tosh.0 features videos from the internet and is intended for a mature audience. comedy central does not condone the activities performed and discourages anyone from attempting them. enjoy. >> [bleep]. looks like the work of isis. cowards! welcome to tosh.0. i hope you've gotten your 9/11 shopping done already so you can just watch and relax. tonight on the show... bryan silva and i send shots at your fitted. gratata! swag, bitch. i prove that big ass baby hasn't died of sids y