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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 24, 2014 10:00am-10:36am PDT

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ted what are you doing? i was trying to get these skittles, but i got stuck. [ crickets chirping ] maybe i should try. [ spider ] i say go for it. [ crickets chirping ] trap the rainbow! taste the rainbow! >> jon: here it is... your moment of zen. >> a statement from the queen has been published. the details. what does it say? ♪
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(eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: whoo! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the report," everybody! thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen! please, sit down! nation, it is a great day! this is a great day to be an american! daddy is revved up! if you could see me from the waist down, i'd be arrested. (laughter) jimmy, tell 'em why.
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>> we are getting breaking news live right now. we have reports that military operations in syria have begun. >> the u.s. and a coalition of five arab allies leading airstrikes in syria using bombers and drones and missiles. >> the attacks destroying or damaging multiple targets, including training compounds, headquarters, and command and control facilities. >> stephen: yes, america is bringing the hammer down on i.s.i.s. to drive them out of syria and hand that country back to its rightful leader. oh, (bleep). okay. well there's got to be someone who can hold that region together. anyone seen saddam lately? oh, right, right, right... the spider hole and the beard and the -- (pop noise) well, live and learn. that's one on us. point is, syria is a country we've never bombed before --
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which means i get to put a new hole in my mideast frequent bombing card! (punch card) we've already bombed afghanistan, iraq, pakistan, yemen, somalia and libya. now syria. (punch) all we need to do is bomb oman, and i get a free falafel! of course, as much as i love turning a new corner of the desert into the boom boom room, there is something about this story that makes me wonder if we rushed into battle too fast, because let's face it -- the network graphics packages weren't ready. come on! we're dropping bombs on syria and the "today show" is using the same lower-third graphic they used to report that 50 cent can't throw a baseball?! america is at war, it is the sworn duty of the news biz to call on the best and the brightest in our graphics
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departments to serve their nation. jimmy, lock and load! >> stephen, it's not done. the sound's not on it yet. >> stephen: jimmy, you go to war with the graphics you have, not the graphics you want. i'll worry about the sound. juice it! (stephen makes music and explosions with his mouth) "airstrikes on terror: syria's business: shove it up their i.s.i.l.!" (cheers and applause) it's not just america and the arabs dropping the bombs. our closest ally, france, is battling i.s.i.s. with something more powerful, name calling. they've ditched i.s.i.s., i.s.i.l. and the islamic state and are now calling the group daesh.
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as in, "these guys are a bunch of daesh-bags". (laughter) the name comes from the arab acronym for "islamic state of iraq and the levant," al-dawla al-islamiya fi al-iraq wa al-sham which just proves the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but i can't pronounce that name." and france is calling them "daesh" because "the group is reported to hate the moniker." so much that "they were threatening to cut out the tongues of anyone who used the phrase publicly." ooooh! see me shake, daesh? you are going down! or my name's not jimmy fallon! (cheers and applause) nation, as you know, i've dedicated my life to hunting the elusive bigfoot. finding this noble cryptid would provide answers to so many
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unresolved questions -- is nature truly knowable? what are the origins of man? what wine pairs best with sasquatch meat? (laughter) of course, the legend of bigfoot began in the subject of the 79th installment of my 434-part series, better know a district. tonight: california's second. the fightin' second! (cheers and applause) the second is home to the largest marijuana farming region in the united states. the so-called "emerald triangle" earns a billion dollars every year. although most of the profit is spent on the "orange" triangle. every july, the second hosts the secret retreat for the power elite known as bohemian grove, where everyone from robert oppenheimer to ronald reagan has gone to skinny dip and practiced quasi-pagan rituals. to this day, women are prohibited from attending. sorry, ladies -- you missed your chance to see richard nixon play naked horseshoes. (laughter) the second is also where you
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will find george lucas' production studio "skywalker ranch," named after his iconic "star wars" character luke ranch. (laughter) and who has the furry ewoks to represent this district? it's none other than congressman jared huffman. i sat down with representative huffman in his washington office. congressman, thank you so much for talking with me today. >> thank you, steven. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting second. >> it goes from the golden gate bridge in the south to the oregon border, got a third of the california coast, beautiful coastal communities. it's got the biggest and oldest trees in the world. >> stephen: you have the pines? >> we have lots of pines. >> stephen: those are the oldest trees in the world. >> i don't know about that one. ancient redwood. >> reaching an age of 5,000 years, bristol cone pines are
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the world's oldest living organisms. but contrast, the redwoods. while the majestic are a spree 1,000 years old. back to our program already in progress. >> stephen: you say you've never lost a trial, correct, or an election. >> so far. >> stephen: have you ever lost an interview, sir? >> i may lose one yet, we'll see. >> stephen: brace yourself. george lucas' sky walker ranch is in your district. >> absolutely. >> stephen: what is your position on han shooting first? >> i'll have to think about that (laughter) >> stephen: this is an important question, does han have the right to shoot first? >> depends on the circumstances. >> stephen: let's see you owed a lot of money to jabba, okay, and you you would be taken away to be frozen in carbonnite. >> i want to be careful not to
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give legal advice to anyone in those circumstances. >> stephen: this was a long time away in a galaxy far, far away. but han was standing his ground. >> i'm not a fan of shooting first. >> stephen: han can't shoot first. interesting. i see you listed your religion as unspecified. >> yes. >> stephen: would you like to respecify to roman catholic? >> no, i love your pope. >> stephen: are you an atheist? >> i don't know. >> stephen: gnostic? >> perhaps. >> stephen: what is an gnostic but an atheist without any balls? see, you're choosing not to specify your response to that. unspecified. i'll just put you down for heathen/hellbound. during your time in the california assembly, you passed a ban on the possession or sale
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of shark fin for soup. >> yes. >> stephen: why are you trying to curry favor for sharks? >> well, i'm trying to protect the world's shark populations -- >> stephen: you want our children to be dragged through surf. have you ever seen a document rijaws? >> it's not a document ri. >> stephen: a news report. i'm not in your business. >> much greater risk of dying from a bee sting than sharp attack. >> stephen: what about bee soup. >> i like bees, too. i'm big on pollinators. >> stephen: we kill bees for the honey. >> we don't really kill bees for the honey. >> stephen: do you keep bees? >> no. >> stephen: then we both don't know. point for each of us. we're even right now. you are good. i thought i would win this interview. >> i'm hanging in there. >> stephen: you really are. what is it about sharks that you like so much, that they attack us or that they eat dolphins,
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which are beautiful and intelligent? >> they really don't even eat so many dolphins. >> stephen: they bite them, though. >> well, i don't think that -- >> stephen: here in congress, you introduce legislation about the treatment of killer whales. killer whales, carefu killer sh. next, hammerheads? >> well, those are a type of sharks. >> stephen: well, for someone not currying to sharks, you know a lot about them. have you ever had curried shark? >> no. >> stephen: incredible. you should try it. >> i don't think so. >> stephen: let's move on. so you say there's a water shortage. >> correct. one of the worst droughts california has ever seen, so we are going through a very dry summer and the culmination offal really three consecutive drought years. >> stephen: instead of running around, you know, like chicken little saying the sky is falling, consider this -- the arctic ice sheet and the antarctic ice sheets, they're breaking up. >> there is no arctic ice sheet.
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>> stephen: anymore? >> never was. that's the north pole. >> stephen: there's something up there. >> no, not as much as there used to be. >> stephen: there's someplace for santa. i'm saying right now on camera. some of the people in your district don't know about -- so there's an ice sheet for santa to live on, isn't there? >> there must be. >> stephen: thank you. i accept your apology. you are a member of the congressional wine caucus. >> yes. >> stephen: isn't that just everyday on capitol hill after 5:00? >> no, we get together once in a while but it's not like that. >> stephen: wa does the wine caucus ever get together with the cheese caucus? >> no, but i am part of the cheese caucus, too. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: is there a cracker caucus? >> i'm not aware of the cracker caucus. >> stephen: i think the cracker caucus is just the entire republican party. (laughter) congressman, thank you for talking to me today! let's put california second up
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on the big board! (cheers and applause) ooh, looks like they just blew up the death star again. we'll be right back. ♪ (cheers and applause) excuse me. can you tell me where ah no problem roller skates. so you are going to want to palm tree the fish until the second seahorse on your tea pot, then you should be light bulbs. let your random side out with new wonka randoms.
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♪ i thought it'd be bigger. ♪ ♪ (dad) there's nothing i can't reach in my subaru. (vo) introducing the all-new subaru outback. love. it's what makes a subaru,a subaru.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, as an american, i enjoy to eat food. especially with this hole. but sometimes it gets clogged up with all the food. even if i've chewed it first. so to wash it down, i always reach for the quintessential american beer, pabst blue ribbon. (applause) so named because it was judged america's best as recently as the chicago world's fair of 1893. (laughter) where i believe it beat out jebediah van krautman's wormwood cholera tonic. and pabst always had the best
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commercials. >> heineken! pabst blue ribbon! >> stephen: they just don't write jingles like that anymore! (cheers and applause) folks, pabst "is" america. that's why, when i heard this, i exploded like a can of p.b.r. in the glovebox. >> a bombshell in the beer community today. p.b.r. is going to the former u.s.s.r. p.b.r. was always a good rock-ribbed american blue-collar brand that enjoyed a second wind, thanks to the embrace of hipsters. pabst and sister brands colt 45 and old milwaukee are all being sold to a large russian brewing company called oasis beverages. >> stephen: that's right. the damn russkies are buying p.b.r.! (audience booing) how would "they" like it if we bought their craft russian dressing? (laughter) and i don't buy oasis beverage's claim that "there are definitely no plans to change any of the recipes." do you really expect us to
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believe pabst has a recipe? (laughter) everyone knows they just catch what they can squeegee from the side of a budweiser clydesdale. (laughter) worse, the russians aren't getting only pabst. the sale includes old milwaukee, schlitz and colt 45. that's right. "all" the beer left in your fridge after a party in 1975. (applause) of course, p.b.r., that the really hurts. because it's not just the classic american beer enjoyed by your grandfather. thanks to the hipster revival, it's the classic american beer enjoyed by young people trying to "look" like your grandfather. which means they're not just taking an american icon, they're taking american irony. (laughter) i'm not surprised. they've been growing ridiculous hipster beards since rasputin. (laughter) you're telling me that guy doesn't make his own pickles? come on! all right. to the barricades!
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difendefend our p.b.r.! (cheers and applause) you know, maybe i overreacted. we'll be right back. ♪ oh, steer clear of kristen, she can't control herself around chocolate. she'll devour you. really? yeah, uh, thanks for introducing us. anything for a friend. ooh, strong grip! ow!
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♪ ♪ yeah, girl ♪ you know, i've been thinking about us ♪ ♪ and, uh, i just can't fight it anymore ♪ ♪ it's bundle time ♪ bundle ♪ mm, feel those savings, baby and that's how a home and auto bundle is made. better he learns it here than on the streets. the miracle of bundling -- now, that's progressive. it's part of a hershey's bar. we break it. we bite it. we sneak it. we smoosh it. we savor it. we love it. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate.
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fruit, with a cool finish. fruit on one side. cool on the other. ice breakers duo. a fruity cool way to break the ice.
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>> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight says that abandoning capitalism is the only way to save the planet. i say let the free market decide which economic system we abandon. please welcome naomi klein! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: naomi, thanks for coming back. been a while. nice to see ya. young latey, award winning author, best known for the shock doctrine, and you have a new book called "this changes
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everything: capitalism versus the climate." >> yep. >> stephen: why are you attacking capitalism and what the hell does it have to do with the climate? >> capitalism is attacking us. >> stephen: capitalism made this show possible! (laughter) capitalism is the profit, the grease that turns the wheel of progress! >> capitalism has been good for -- >> stephen: me. >> you. >> stephen: yeah. >> and this is part of the reason why people like you deny climate change. >> stephen: it's happening, i just don't know if we need to do anything about it. >> exactly, okay. so the problem is that capitalism is a machine based on short-term profit and growth, and the climate needs us to contract. so you have this tension between a system that needs to grow, grow, grow indiscriminately and a planet going, guys, i've had it, and that's why you're having more storms and droughts -- >> stephen: are you a druid?
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are the trees talking to you? what are you talking about, the planet is talking? (laughter) >> we are overloading our planet's life support system. >> stephen: i fly over the country all the time. it's green out there, lakes -- >> california now is in drought. >> stephen: it's all cyclical. right now we're going through a cycle that -- >> it's breaking records over and over. >> stephen: we ea we're peaking. we're peaking in the cycle. were you part of the march that happened, 400,000 people in new york on climate change? >> yes (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what did you guys hope to do with that thing? >> well, here we are, every scientific organization in the world is telling us that this is a crisis, that if we stay on the road we're on, the reason why i call the "this changes everything" book is because climate change will change everything about your planet if
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we stay on the road we're on. so people on the streets sunday were expecting the sense of urgency our political around corporate leaders lack and trying to send a message to the people at the u.n. today who are gathering to say we need action in line with this crisis. >> stephen: okay. so we blow up capitalism. let's say we tear it down. we strip capitalism down to the bear bones. it's the year zero, our empress is naomi klein. what economic system do we put back in place to rebuild in planet? what's the first breck other tha --first brick other than th? >> before we do away with capitalism, we need to get the profits from the corporation -- >> stephen: oh, here we go... not enough to destroy the system, we have to attack the rich. >> we need their money. >> stephen: aim rich guy. this is a personal attack on us. are you a rich person?
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>> not nearly as rich as you. >> stephen: you are a somewhat rich person? >> i am a fortunate person, yes. >> stephen: how can you betray your class? >> i am a class trader. >> stephen: and you're a damn canadian. you never lived under a capitalist system, you're from canada! >> well, but my government is actually keeping the george w. bush dream alive. >> stephen: thank you. >> we have a complete merger of oil and state and we are digging as fast as we can. >> stephen: tearing up the streets one brick at a time. >> we have to get theirrofits stephen because they have knowingly created this crisis. >> stephen: and been successful businessmen and we're punishing success now. >> it's called polluter pays. our governments are broke. >> stephen: polluter pays? >> we need their money.
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here's what we need to do, we need to take a good portion of the profits from the fossil fuel sector, from some of the highest polluting sectors and expand the parts of our economy that are already low carbon like healthcare, education, the arts -- you're an artist, stephen. >> stephen: i am not an artist. shut up. you take that back. you take that back! i have a job! i have a steady job! i'm not an artist! >> you're a job creator. >> stephen: i did not go to dartmouth to be called an artist! (laughter) well, naomi, congratulations on the book, this changes everything, "this changes everything." i haven't finished reading the book. i don't want to know who wins, capitalism or the climate, but i assume it's capitalism because the book cost $30 and it's printed on dead trees. (cheers and applause) naomi, thank you so much! "this changes everything"! "this changes everything"! we'll be rig ♪ yeah, girl ♪ you know, i've been thinking about us ♪ ♪ and, uh, i just can't fight it anymore ♪
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than 6 pacs of the bargain brand combined. cascade. beyond clean and shine. every time. >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! (cheers and applause) ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
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♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ ♪ stinky britches ♪ you got stinky britches ♪ stinky, stinky britches what the hell are you singing? this new song by alanis morissette. i can't get it out of my head. ♪ stinky britches, you got stinky britches ♪ hello, children. ready for lunch? ♪ stinky britches, you got stinky, stinky -- ♪ eric, is there a problem? i can't get this song out of my head! "stinky britches" by alanis morissette? yeah! ♪ stinky, stinky britches children, did you say hi to mr. twig? hi, boys. how are you? when is mr. hat coming back? i told you never to say his name in my presence! but we hate mr. twig. mr. twig sucks. yeah. ♪ stinky britches it just so happens that mr. twig is far more stable than mr. hat could ever be, so he's the better puppet. he'd be better used as a coat rack.
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[ laughter ] how dare you?! come on, mr. twig! hello, there, children! hey, chef. hey, chef. hey, chef. ♪ you got stinky britches ♪ what did you say? he's singing some new hit song. eric, where did you hear that song? it's all over the place -- on the radio, mtv -- everywhere. children, i wrote that song 20 years ago. you wrote it? yeah. back when i used to be in the rock business. now it looks like some big record company has published one of my songs. wow! you should get money for it! oh, i don't want any money. i'd just like to see my name on the credits, that's all. then we should go to the record company. my dad's a lawyer, dude. he tells me about this stuff. well, all right. maybe i will go. i'll play them my version of the song. ♪ stinky britches, you got those stinky britches ♪ so you see, mr. big record producer, "stinky britches" was something i wrote several years ago. hmm. i really see no resemblance between that song and "stinky britches" by our artist alanis morissette. huh? it's the same damn song! now, look. i'm trying to be cool about this. but you can't just rip people's music off! it's against the law.
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i am above the law! [ squirts, squeaks ] mr. chef, i'm afraid you leave me no alternative. we're going to sue you. sue me? you stole one of my songs, and you're gonna sue me? yes. i suggest you get a real good lawyer. we'll have the best in the business. we'll get my dad to be chef's lawyer! yeah! and he's jewish! [ mid-tempo music playing ] ♪ stinky, stinky britches ♪ stinky britches [ rattling ] mr. twig? is that you? [ music stops ] m-mr. twig? [ water bubbling ] aah! mr. twig! no! who did this to you, mr. twig?! who?! now, just let me do all the talking, chef. these bastards down. right. this court is now in session. who is representing the defense? i am, your honor. gerald broflovski. and representing the prosecution? i amjohnnie cochran. [ spectators gasp ] uh-oh. why "uh-oh"?

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