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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  October 2, 2014 2:02am-2:33am PDT

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by the way this is from the tall bela tinny edward edition of twilight. (laughter) oh edward. it's been two years since the last movie and the vampire twilight breaking dawn part 2 came out. comedians please give us a fights el for the next install am of this popular tween series tom lennon, go. >> twilight sparkle sparkle, blah, blah blah just give us your 10.50. >> cameron esposito. >> twilight breaking condom. >> yes. >> no, that is the scariest thing that could happen. >> that is the scariest thing that could happen! >> daniel sloss. >> twilight the only guy that loves that time of the month. >> yes. it's 100 percent truchlt it's time to start @midnight. (applause) >> welcome to @midnight.
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i'm chris hardwick from the odd couple captioning sponsored by comedy central coming stoon to cbs, tom lennon. (applause) >> you got to stop. you have to stop. you cannot inflate his ego, all right. after many what i am going to call embarrassing defeats tom lennon finally won the last time he was on the show. so in honor of this big win it was very very very emotional. we put together a little package following your emotional journey. >> speaking of little packages. (laughter) >> tom i'm so sorry, do you have any parting words. >> a ving my death. >> every time i am playing to win. >> tom lennon, one of our eps yet again is leaving the show. >> i hope you come back to our program sometime. will you come back on. >> it's pretty likely isn't it? >> tom lennon you are so close. >> tom bring your grandma to twerk day. >> you have dominated this game. you dominated this game. >> who was number two.
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>> tom lennon. once again. >> dear mom, why do all the other kids keep calling space camp fat camp. >> who's number two. >> tom lennon! >> this is huge. (applause) >> sit down! sit down! sit down! you have to sit down! you don't know what you're doing to him. (cheers and applause) >> sit sit, sit sit. he-- he's not going to win twice in a row. >> the only thing is it's okay that he i lose, you guys just stop putting it in my [bleep] wikipedia. >> her new album same sex will be available october 7th on little-- kill rock stars, it's cameron esposito. (applause) >> performing at laugh
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boston october 2nd through the 4th daniel sloss. (applause) all right well, let's start this program. ripped from the internethead lines it's rapid refresh. (applause) >> who wants to goof on deadly infectious diseases that could potentially decimate the population. everyone, you guy okay good. that's the spirit. ebola is making america sqebola and trending so hard on the internet you think it is something a member of one direction had for lunch. there it is. naturally everyone is searching for reliable information in this time of crisis. which of these is an actual question about ebola from yahoo! answers which of course is the internet's number one source for irrefutable facts. a my boyfriend's junk smells weird. could it be ebola? (laughter) >> that's the first symptom. >> dong's smell weird for a lot of reasons. >> i think they all smell
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like ebola. i'm getting out of there. >> b, why does the ebola virus look like mickey mouse ears fair question. c, could ebola delay the new season of game of thrones. cameron? >> yeah, i think it's got to be b because that's the most adorable answer. >> let's find out. the correct answer is b why does the ebola virus look like mickey mouse ears. and you know what? guys let's get that picture back up here. for bonus points, why does ebola virus look like mickey mouse? >> hi i am going eat from you the inside out. >> daniel? >> disney marketing misunderstood when they wanted to make something go viral. >> oh yes oh. that's exactly what would happen. points. >> according to dc comic as poll guised for his superhero t-shirt that came under fire for being sexe from its international
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women's forum known as twitter. the t-shirt is being sold at for teen girls and said what? a pms makes me she-hulk. b training to be batman's wife. c aqua man thinks i smell great. >> tom lennon. >> it's got to be b training to be batsman's wife. >> here's the correct answer. training to be batman's wife. (applause) by the way critics think women should aspire to be something more noble than batman's wife like say a top human rights barister who just married george clooney so-- technically batman's wife. for bonus points what is the problem that newly-wed mr. and mrs. batman would have, tom lennon? >> as batman's doctor i actually can't comment on this. >> oh my god that's right. i-- yes. of course. >> i'm going give you points
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for being batman's doctor tom lennon. >> thank you,. >> cameron esposito. >> he's superintimidated when he finds out she has a varied and satisfying tool belt of her own. >> yes, right. >> i'm talking about vibrators! >> mr. sloss. >> turns out that the dark knight doesn't rise. >> points. >> well it's the first day ofm it's known on every single classic rock station right now who adoreably thinks radio is still a viable medium. so in honor of that team tonight's hashtag is worse than rocktober. examples might be sebastian bachtob or the search for spoketober or octoby keith. i will put 60 seconds on the clock. go. >> daniel? >> crusty socktober. >> yes, points tom. >> octofer gray. >> yes points.
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>> january jones. (laughter) >> points. >> daniel slos. >> emovember. >> points. >> million manwitch march. >> no i don't want them i don't want them. i don't want them. >> no points. >> i don't want them. >> no [bleep] tober. >> yes points. >> dub september. >> points. (applause) >> cameron? >> yes the first day but i'm ready to [bleep] tober. >> points. >> tom. >> frovember which is where you tease out your pubes. (laughter) >> i'm listening. >> you tease out-- where you
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tease out your pubes for mustache awareness. >> points. >> daniel? >> consolidate your time of the month into one month for flovember. ed end of the hashtags send them to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. >> last night's #wars was sent to us by@anthonyversion 1 well done version 1.
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(applause) >> welcome book @midnight. this is one of my favorite games, it's time to play npr anchor or minor star wars character. (applause) the star wars university bizarre creatures from a gal axy far, far away npr is filled with soothing
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intellectual figures with quaalude voices. you just ate a sack of ambien pancakes with butter and jump and a microphone. unifying trace defines these two worlds together is every one of them has a really awesomely weird name. i will read you a name for 250 points, you tell me if it's from the personnel page of an npr station or the star wars on-line encyclopedia otherwise known as bookipedestriania that is 100% true. jad abumrad cameron in. >> that's an npr anchor i know is. >> let's find out. yeah jad abumrad. (applause) >> and in his picture he's almost like he's saying my name is jad. (laughter) >> i've never seen someone's eyebrows try to leave their face so much. (laughter) >> well continuation looks like half his eyebrows want to go up and the others are like no we've got to stay.
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>> but but, if he were in star wars he would look like this. there we go. (applause) oh my let's host radioland. in six million languages. >> all right, six one mas amedda. >> daniel? >> star wars. >> let's find out. >> yes mas amedda. (applause) >> all right but i would love to know what he looks like as an npr anchor there's that's what that looks like. (laughter) >> he has head toes it helps cradle the shell ter hat. next one jian ghomeshi. >> cameron. >> that is an npr anchor. >> you seem very sure about the npr. >> i totally listen-- he just interviewed me last week what's up jian. >> oh nice, then you know
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the right answer. there it jian ghomeshi. (applause) but that's boring. let's see what he looks like in star wars. that's better. (laughter) >> it's the top of the hour. more dark side chat right after the break. >> time for our fix break -- >> a man will go to great lengths for love will scale mountains write is on the ets even go to war. well the pining fellows of the sad if aye boyfriends are doing more than that they are-- hoping girlfriends will have enough money to are for improve classes i will show you a model, you have to give me his inner monologue. first one what about this colourful hunk. >> daniel? >> i murdered my grandmother for this sweater.
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>> points. >> tom. >> hey i'm greg and i'm proof that reggie watson's persona doesn't work on a white guy. >> yes. that's totally, yes. points. >> that's funny because i was going say there's nothing sadder than white cosby. >> yes points i agree. 100 percent points. >> next one. >> this sinister looking model we're not sure if he is being attacked or that just crawled up there and expired, tom? >> merry christmas. you're watching this video i'm already dead. (laughter) (applause) >> so he dies and then they show the video. all right.
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open that last box. >> ial know me i said i would do it. last one this beardo. >> i'm tom kin ann and i didn't expect to live this long. >> points. >> you're going to need a bigger vagina. (applause) >> points. >> a prove of the reference. all right that's the end of fantasy boyfriendsing time for our live challenge. finish him. that extra n plays into this so here we go. you guys want to see adorable. take a look at this excitable jowlly middle age clock owner from finland rocking out to traditional scandinavian music. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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(laughter) >> first day in a new human body? >> but this is-- this is utterly terrifying. he has hundreds of these videos where he just spaces out to fini accordion [bleep] wearing that same cartoon-- listen t goes on and on. on and on! (applause) well he's probably just fantasize being murdering you with a salted fish. what i want to you do is write his inner monologue in these hundreds of dead eye videos. that's your challenge. we get your answers after the break. we're back with more @midnight.
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(cheers and applause) >> welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you this video of a dead eye finish man listening to traditional scandinavian music. es a a real rob fjord. s in's exactly what that deserved. all right, i also shodz you his distu magic eye poster. i asked to you give me his inner monologue. let's see what you wrote. daniel slos. >> if you could see my other half you would know i'm only half fin anybody. >> all right. >> cameron. >> thank god i didn't center myself in the frame like some psychopaths anyway back to braiding the loose hairs i collected from the subway. >> nice. >> tom lennon. >> my face is doing little but my balls are doing much.
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>> okay, i got to do a thousand 500 250 starting in that order starting with tom. as we jump to our next game dewey defeats royals. the kansas city royals known for their kind treatment of peasants an benevolence on the throne one their one game play-off against the oakland as. but apparently left the game to beat traffic and posted this headline instead. royals left feeling blue after rally comes up short. with this was the best media mistake since dewey defeats truman. so comedians, i want you to give me as many gun jumping headlines from historical events past, friend future as you can. 60 seconds go. >> tom lennon. >> reno 911, too good to cancel. >> points. >> cameron. >> barack obama elected president racism ends. >> points. >> nothing happens to
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hindenberg. >> points. >> adrian peterson inducked in the parenting hall of fame. >> points. >> america loves new female late night hosts. >> points. >> justin bieber alive and well. >> points. >> avril lavigne remains mussically relevant. >> mr. sloss. >> piers morgan welcomed back to britain with open arms. >> points. >> that is the end of dewey deat the times royals i see you are in third place scottland may have not voted for independence last week but we are giving you your independence from this show. so i'm so sorry but i hope you come back, dow have any last words? >> freedom. (applause) >> that means it's time for something magically delicious. it's for the win.
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on the sarasota florida craigslist you might expect to see a listing like looking to trade live baby for crank. but one thing would you not expect is this 1985 monte carlo for sale that is fully tricked out like a box of lucky charms. there it is. right there. you'll never get me 30 inch rims. so i would like you to write a line from the carfax of this leprechaun low rider we'll have our comedians answer and name a winner when we come back on @midnight.
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>> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. let's wipe the scores clean wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe wipe. i will read the answer aloud. you decide who winner will be. before the break i showed this low rider tricked out like a box of lucky charms. and ask you to write a line from the carfax i didn't read this before. so first of all 12 grand
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for the car without the rims. my favorite part is the all caps serious inquiries only. (laughter) >> all right. let's see what you guys came up with. let's see what you came up with. first answer. >> kids are always chasing after this car for me green clovers with purple horseshoes and my blue meds. >> (applause) >> i appreciate that. >> no one ever gives me stage direction in these but that made that a lot easier. next or this next one. >> there's a prize inside the glove box, it's a gun with a serial number filed off likely used in the murder of a family of leprechaunsness which think it was number one. who is number one? tom lennon has won twice in a row. what is happening on this planet! i can't believe if. tom is on a streak. (applause) >> we'll see you tomorrow night our guests tim minchin
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rhys darbee and emily heller. until then your hashtag worse than rocktober. tom frigging lenen. good night. - police say late last night they apprehended rodney gullivan, and found a gun and narcotics in his truck. he was charged with possession and assault on his fiancee and she is in the hospital recovering tonight. meanwhile, another woman was sexually assaulted by benjamin braider of indianapolis. the unidentified woman suffered a broken rib and a split lip. she's in stable condition tonight. well, that's it for sports. chuck. [haunting western music] ♪ ♪
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- when i was, i do i might've been 13 or something, i had a willie talk ventriloquist dummy. - willie talk? - willie talk was his name. that was-- have you ever seen those? he's got on, like, a white and red striped shirt, and it says, "willie talk." - oh, my god. - and he's got a plastic head, and he's like...[mumbling] and just like, a kind of standard-looking ventriloquist dummy. they'd have these three types of dolls. there was, like, a willie talk, a wilma talk, and then-- - wilma talk. - the girl version. - but it doesn't make a pun. - [chuckles] i know. and then--are you kidding me? you know what? can i just tell you something? i'm gonna admit something right now. just got the pun right now. - gee. - just got the pun right now. i was so excited to get a willie talk 'cause my grandpa's-- my grandpa's name was willie.
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