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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  October 23, 2014 2:04am-2:35am PDT

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n't just survive, we thrived. because true passion can't be tamed. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night! (cheers captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> it's 11:59 and 59 second t map happened on mashable. in canada it's considered proper etiquette to sing the national anthem on ice-skates and a tax with a flowing mullet. like this hosser let's see what this dudley does wrong
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a ♪ o canada ♪ ♪ our home and native land ♪ ♪ o ♪ ♪ at least he lives in a country with free health care. unfortunately not free hair cuts. i was trying, i done know who this guy s he might be familiar news canada a couple names popped to mind christieiam gucci fancy kerrigan gordie how about you watch where the [bleep] you're going. i don't know, do you know who this is? you can name this guy. grais hell bik. >> guy that should wear a hat trick. >> nice. >> that's the goalie from the mighty sucks. >> okay perfect. >> (applause) >> i vaguely resemble emilio estevez. >> nice pronunciation. >> gracia.
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>> that was so cultural. >> now i'm going to piss you off when a might spanish pronunciation matt mira. >> it's mateo and this guy is known tloot the province as sass ca toon's most grateful man. >> yes. it's time for @midnight. >> welcome to @midnight. oh my god, you guys it's thursday. that means it's tag team thursday, presented by midas. laws (applause) thank you for keeping this ricketty boat afloat with your sponsorship. tonight's comedians are playing for followers of the @midnight twitter account. the winning tag team receives a made az pack including a midas gift card. >> what? >> seriously. tonight's comedians are author of grace's guide the art of pretending to be a group up available october 21st wherever books are sold grace helbig. (applause) hey grais.
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how are you doing? >> i'm doing well. how are you doing? >> i feel pretty good. >> cool. >> who are you playing for today. >> i'm playing for@damaged noted. >> yeah, it's like they are just making observations about my life. (laughter) >> from a to z thursday on nbc and your pretty face is going to hell in adult-- it's henry zebrowski. (applause) who are you playing for? >> i'm playing for a mr. derpintine. >> from the james bonding pod cast on the nerdist network and are you still on the nerdists pod cast you piece of [bleep] matthew mira. who are you playing for today matt u? >> i'm maying for@knowthe7.
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>> could be deadly sin could be magnificent. i done give a [bleep]. >> let's begin this program. ripped from the internethead lines it's rapid refresh. grab your lech attorneys. last week we brought you the news of bendgate which may or may not have been real. the iphone 6 controversy keep coming, now we are embroiled in hairgate apparently the casing on the goddamn new iphone is ripping goddamn hairs from the goddamn faces of their goddamn ooutioner, bad for men but tweent for-- convenient for ladies getting ready for that big date. which of these hairgate memes got the most. >> this shaving gent from twitter. couldn't be any worse than an electric razor. b this foxy lady also from
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twitter. it beats getting backed by ukrainian lady i guess i don't know. >> you know what is fun about that, is they actually cost less than the gillette razors. >> well done. a hundred points matt. >> can't be worse than like an epilady right? >> are you asking me? >> i guess. >> oh no you can braid my leg hairs i don't know anything about that. or c this steve carell remix from instagram. (applause) >> matt mira. >> i'm going to go with a because set most handsome. >> let's find out. c! for carell. >> that's a real problem if you leave your iphone on your chest if you are air a her suit man t burns right through. >> it will burn that into your chest hair. >> yeah. >> all right. so this is a pattern i think we're seeing with the iphone
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6. the iphone bends in skinny jean rips out beards and randomly downloads you2z am bums you didn't ask for it seems like it is just trying to piss off hip sters for some reason. if this is true what over anti-hipster problems does the iphone have grais. >> to know that her real name is susan. -- siri to know that her role name is susan. >> points. every time you type mumford and sons it auto corrects to momentumford and sucks. >> oh. we move now to the world of bald german youtube celebs, specifically this guy the guttarily named joerg sprave. now as part of the 100 ways not use a condom way to promote safe sex what alternative way de demonstrate. how to transform a condom into a deadly weapon. b how to do condom into your mouth and out your nose.
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c how to silk green graphic tees using condom and squid inc. >> i will say c because that is the exact shirt that he was wearing. oh your answer is so good but the correct answer is actually a how to transform a condom into a deadly weapon. >> of course it is. of course. >> joerg classic joerg. he's not using them for [bleep] we know that. here is that in action. >> so six condoms and 50 millimeter-- versus the champagne bottle. the winner the condoms. did he mean to say the wiener? actually, i think he meant to say wow talk about shooting your load.
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>> chris hardwick you've just done the 1 1,000,000, penis joke congratulations. >> oh, thank you thank you so much. thank you. oh. (applause) >> exciting. so many so many people to thank. i want to say, to everyone out there who thinks you can't do it, just follow your wet dreams an keep your eyes on the prize between your thighs this is such an-- there's the music. okay, dakotah i hope you're still not up right now. daddy's coming home, thank you, thank you. (applause) and now it's time for tonight's #wars.
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one of the lesser holidays is moldy cheese day because that is something worth celebrating so tonight's hashtag is cheese son examples feta off without you. or gouda vibrations or monterey jack flash. i'm wearing a dick sash. also going to put 60 seconds on the clock starting now go. grist helbig. >> brie birds. >> yes,. >> points. >> ina gouda da vita. >> while my guyerrre weeps. >> grace. >> ricotta get out of this place. >> crash into brie. >> oh points points. this is great. >> one is the pro
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provoloniliest number. >> grace. >> curd line. >> points. >> sergeant pepper jack provolone havarti club band. >> okay points. >> henry. >> can't find no feta mine. >> points. >> perfect. >> that brings to us the end of the hashtag, send your hashtag cheese songs keep it going. weill we'll be right back with more @midnight. >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's h war.g war.
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ah! come on! let's hide in the attic. no. in the basement. why can't we just get in the running car? are you crazy? let's hide behind the chainsaws. smart. yeah. ok. if you're in a horror movie, you make poor decisions. it's what you do. this was a good idea. shhhh. be quiet. i'm being quiet. you're breathing on me! if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance you switch to geico. it's what you do. head for the cemetery!
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>> welcome book @midnight. it is time to play no no no yesyesyesyes. reddit has many subreddits for gifs, hard g for life yo. including nononoyes where you think something goes horribly wrong and suddenly without warning yes, everything works out and sub reddit for the more common
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yesyesyesyesno, which is the horrible opposite where you think everything is going to be okay then life hits you in the face. >> oh no. >> like an unplanned pregnancy. all you want to do is have unprotected sex because it feels great. as always the more animated you are in answering the more likely we are to ask you back on the show. first up first up a truck probably's dashboard cam from russia so, something is about to go good or bad. >> i will say nononoyes because i believe in hope in this life. >> okay. i'm inclined to agree because this looks like a bad place to start. >> okay, let's find out. nononononoyes. (applause)
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saved by buddy christ. >> this motorcycle. >> yes, matthew. >> i am going to go nonononoyes because i want to get a motorcycle some day. >> all right let's find out. oh. whoa [bleep]. >> i don't believe that is real. >> yes! >> okay. next one this lion. >> oh no. >> oh. you can feel everyone's slamming in preparation gracie. >> nonononoyes, please dear god. >> really because there have been two of those in a know. >> i'm just hoping that you guys have a great sense of humor about joy and compassion in life here.
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>> well. >> okay we do. >> we do but i think we can agree that lion does not find joy and compassion in life but let's find out. yesyesyesyesno. (applause) next one. >> this man with a razor scooter giant wood ernl ramp and a dream. >> i'm not kidding f this goes bad these are not videos i enjoy watching. matt. >> yesyesyesyesno. >> i got a bad feeling about this. >> oh god. >> please scooter. >> oh, no no, right there he's totally fine-- oh! >> that's a problem. it's that last left turn, he should have gone right.
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you missed that. last one these kids riding a toy car down a hill. >> yesyesyesyesno. >> let's find out. >> yesyesyesyesyes-- oh! it's-- look it's a yes it's a nonononoyes. amazing amazing. by the way, look at this-- all right it's time for our live k458 eng karate sharte. karate sharte. all right. so if you don't remember the
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80s chances are they were really awesome for you or you are in our demographic and your parns were in high school then. in either case you missed an ill-fated fitness craze that had its own rap ladies and gentlemen, in honor of throwback thursday i give ucar ate for your body. -- karate. >> everybody train karate for your body. i train in my car. i'm a ninja. karate. >> now let's say let's just say that this place existed today. during the break please write a yelp reyou have for the karate for your body dojo. karate.
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welcome back to @midnight. >> before the break i showed you a quote, unquote fitness end quote, unquote rap individual wro from the 80s we unearthed on youtube called karate for your body. i wished they had a dojo so i asked to you pretend they do and write a review of let's start with henry. >> two stars my corvette is full of this! would have been one but all that free blow. >> matthew mira. >> i was being bullied needed to learn self-defense all this place taught me was how to dance. bullying increased 10,000 percent. zero stars. >> all right. grace. >> thanks to karate for your body i'm to you backup dancer.
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i also gained the wrong impression of chinese culture. five stars. all right. a thousand to grace, 500 to matt -- 50 to hen reas we go to our next game wa did gerard depardieu. the blackout drinker and sloth gerard depardieu has released a new autobiography entitled that's the way it was chronicling the events of his life as he has been hazly able to piece them together considering he has not been sober since 1971 it is anyone's guess as who what what else he has been up to. give me as many facts as you can about his life. 60 second on the clock. >> it was almost hunted to extinction by african poachers. >> points withness he-- and mashed potatoes. >> henry. >> he shirt size is drunk french rhino.
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>> points. >> twice weekly he sweats his weight in butter. >> points. >> he tried to commit suicide but ended up watching homil-- emilie again. >> he once took a [bleep] in the fountain because he thought it was a fancy toilet. >> points. >> i'm positive that one actually happened. >> he created gossip girl. >> points. henry. >> he once accidental-- accidentally ate his own shoes because he thought the laces were brown spaghetti. >> yes points that is the end of what did gerard depardieu. i'm so sorry henry zebrowski, we have to eliminate you as the amazing gerard depardieu beamed in. >> he picked me up like a huge baby, my long lost son i will take care you and. >> and then he started breast-feeding you because he lactated. >> perfect delicious wine
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coming out of his breasts. >> henry red light. that means it's time to rock 'n' roll all night and party every day. it's for the win. >> i don't know for sure if there is a heaven but if there is, i want to be driven there in this car. no you're not seeing things. this radical hooptie has kiss and nickelback air brushed on the hood. and rightfully it sppbt a considerable amount of time on the front page of amateur. i can't imagine the class ago that owns this car would ever want to sell it but if for some reason he ever does i would like you to write a line from the craigslist ad to sell or trade this one of a kind american/canadian classic. we will get the answer and name a winner when we come
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back on @midnight.
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>> welcome back to @midnight. it's for the win. wipe your scores clean wipe wipe, wipe wipe, wipe, wipe
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wipe. >> it all comes down to this i'm going to read your answer as loud and you will decide who shall be the winner, you are playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break i showed you a viral photo of a car with both-- kiss and nickelback air brushed on the hood and asked to you write a line for the craigs list aad. let's see you what wrote first one never thought i would have to sell this car it was my pride and joy but my karate for your body school didn't turn out as lucrative as i hoped. 11 obo will consider hand job. >> all right or also available av written lavigne puppy paint animal seat. >> i think number one. who was number one? matthew mira has won
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@midnight. for a second time? oh what a winning streak you and@knowthe7 has won a prize pack for madeas on monday our guests are jo koy. jen circumstanceman and matt broadcaster. until then keep the game going. i'm matt nerdist on the instagram. good night have a good weekend. - i understand this is your first professional massage? - that's right. mm-hmm. - okay. i want to make you aware of some things that may or may not happen but there's no need to feel embarrassed if they do. - okay. - things such as crying. - really? - mm, oh, yes. massage can release pent-up emotions. also, not uncommon is the release of gas. - like farting? - that's right, like farting. also, erections. - really? - yeah. - i didn't know that.
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