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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 27, 2014 5:55pm-6:28pm PDT

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(cheers and applause) no, i'm sorry, guys. no, jimmy, the earlier one. no, not that early. yeah, that's the one right there! there's your sweet spot! tell 'em why. >> this is a big one. a bombshell new discovery by the "new york times," weapons of mass destruction were found in iraq but it was kept secret. the "times" reporting between 2004 and 2011, american troops found 5,000 chemical warheads. >> 5,000 shells and bombs containing things like sarin and mustard gas. >> saddam did have weapons of mass destruction. >> the story shows that, in fact, saddam did still have weapons of mass destruction in 2003 when we invaded. >> stephen: bush was right! iraq had wmds the whole time! i feel a combination of two strong emotions -- oh, my god, shock and awe! (laughter) i finally understand what you were talking about! there's no telling what else
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bush was right about. i bet some of those weapons were "nucular"? (laughter) this vindication must really warm dick cheney's -- arc reactor? i don't know what he's got in there now. nothing but nothing is going to kill my buzz over these wmds not even the second line of every story about them. >> these were not the weapons we went to war over. >> they were not the ones to justify the invasion. they were from the old iran-iraq war. >> stephen: shake it like a polaroid picture. beyonce's, and lucy liu's, and baby doll's. get on the floor. you know what to do. i'm sorry. i didn't catch any of that. point is, iraq made these awful
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weapons, and america had a moral obligation to punish them and anyone who helped them. >> this has to be one of the bitterest ironies of the iraq war. these are weapons that iraq had manufactured with help from western countries including the u.s. during its war with iran in the 1980s. >> stephen: okay. so we helped arm them with chemical weapons in the 1980s. but come on, there are a lot of things we regret from the '80s. wouldn't surprise me if we also armed them with buns of steel. (laughter) at least now we know what donald rumsfeld and saddam hussein were shaking hands over in 1983! kind of a funny story. back when iraq was fighting iran, two american companies provided hundreds of tons of thiodiglycol, a mustard agent precursor, including the company cardinal stabilizer, a specialty chemical firm from my hometown
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of charleston, south carolina. well, now i finally know the secret to my state's delicious barbecue -- a tangy mustard-gas sauce. so good you will claw your eyes out! (cheers and applause) you will slap your grandma! (laughter) and this wmd discovery is news to everyone because even "congress was only partly informed" these weapons existed, while "troops and officers were instructed to be silent or give deceptive accounts of what they had found." it was sort of a "don't ask don't tell" for the lgbt wmd community. (laughter) point is, the story proves once and for all that the war was completely necessary and justified. here to say his story doesn't say that is pulitzer prize
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winner from the "new york times," reporter c.j. chivers, "the secret casualties of iraq's abandoned questions." here's my number one question. proves we had wmds there in iraq. why didn't george bush brag about this more in because the egg on his face is that there were no wmds. was he being just too humble here? was the war so popular he didn't want to run up the scoreboard at this point? >> these weapons were old discarded junk from about two wars before. >> stephen: don't try your obi-wan kenobi these aren't what you were looking for (laughter) >> they weren't even used. >> stephen: so they're not dangers at all? >> they, are used in local attacks and improvised bombs where they were discarded in old stockpiles. >> stephen: why didn't we find out about them at all till your article. >> actually you did.
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through 2004, our government had a good record of disclosing a lot of the information. charles bellford in the iraq survey group gave us a thorough report through 2004 that stands up to this day, but biosix they stopped talking about it and in 2006 the number of discoveries took off and the number of troops that were wounded also accelerated sharply and at that point there had been a turn in the practice and they weren't talking about it. i don't know why they weren't. >> you don't know why this suddenly became a secret? >> through 2004, the record's good. had they continued the practice, i wouldn't have to sit here and tell you about this. this could have come out in realtime and been a series of small stories and digested by the person public and the body of politics a long time ago. >> stephen: speaking of small stories, this is not a small story. not only has it made a big splash, but it's an extremely long article in here. is this why the "new york times" doesn't have a comics page? (laughter) because ziggy never depresses me
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like this. >> i think it should. it's twice as long. >> stephen: they cut it in half? >> yes. >> stephen: you already got a pulitzer. does your pulitzer glow blue? >> no, this is a story about enlisted soldiers who had one of the most dangerous jobs on the battlefield in the last war, who worked hard, served well, suffered something surprising and were at a minimum casualty-neglected if not outright abused. >> stephen: did the guys who found the stuff, they were injured by this. >> many were not wounded. some were wounded. >> stephen: did they get a purple heart? >> most of them did not. >> stephen: because it had to be a secret? >> they didn't get purple hearts for a variety of reasons but among them is the purple heart system by my estimate is broken. there are four services that have different processes and different standards for getting the purple heart. some of these members were not recommended for purple hearts, others were by commanders and
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denied by the services. one particular incident a staff sergeant had a purple heart given by the secretary of the army and someone several weeks later came along and took it off his chest. >> stephen: why was it taken off? >> said they erroneously issued it. >> stephen: because the event was not supposed to have happened? >> that's the question i have been asking them for many months. >> stephen: what about medical care? these soldiers, i understand that sometimes doctors were not told that they'd encountered chemical weapons for secrecy reasons. >> some are secrecy reasons. some of these troops took time to manifest themselves, came to sick cal the day after. since no one knew they were the secret of the battlefield the doctors were not anticipating the casualties and looked at other causes -- dehydration, sun burn, exhaustion. >> stephen: lactose intoll lance, something else.
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(laughter) as a result, did they not get proper medical care? >> many did not. some were neglected care. >> stephen: what's the pentagon's response so far? >> the pentagon's response is i'm not working in washington so i didn't walk into the pentagon but the pentagon essentially acknowledged the findings and i've heard they're taking steps to make the troops who were exposed are treated well and there's some talk they're going to look at the purple hearts and the soldiers who didn't receive them and trying to find if there's a larger population of exposed verpts to get them enrolled in care. >> stephen: thank you so much. c.j. chivers, the secret casualties of iraq's abandoned chemical weapons. chemical weapons. we'll be right back.
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(vo) meee-ow, business pro. meee-ow. go national. go like a pro. >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much! (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much! all right! ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. have a seat. nation, it's med-term season and, earlier this week, i gave you complete coverage of one of the most explosive races -- the contest in florida between republican incumbent governor rick scott and democratic former governor charlie crist. last night, the two were scheduled to face off in a debate. it was an opportunity for these gubernatorial candidates to show voters who is more natorial-guber-y. (laughter) and this being florida, right off the bean, things got very florida. (laughter) >> we want to take a shot of the stage here at bailey hall in broward county, and as you can
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see, the two candidates, who were invited to take part in this debate, right now are not stepping up on the stage. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, we have an extremely peculiar situation right now. we have governor charlie crist (cheers and applause) florida governor rick scott, our incumbent governor, and the republican county for governor is also in the building, governor rick scott. we have been told that governor scott will not be participating in this debate. (laughter) >> stephen: that's right, only charlie crist was on stage! giving c-span its most dramatic television moment since the cancellation of booknotes deathmatch.
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folks, i was worried about my guy, republican governor and python on ecstasy, rick scott. (laughter) but he had an excellent reason for not being there. >> governor crist has asked to have a fan, a small fan placed underneath his podium. the rules of the debate that i was shown by the scott campaign say that there should be no fan. somehow there's a fan there. >> governor crist, do the rules of the debate say that there should be no fan? >> are we really going to debate about a fan, or are we going to talk about education and the environment and the future of our state? >> stephen: fan! fan! fan! who cares about the environment or education? it's florida. everyone needs a fan! and i'm not alone in being a fan fan because, even though scott
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came out three minute later and they held a heated hour-long debate on a variety of topics, all anyone is talking about food is fangate! (laughter) folks, clearly for scott's campaign, last night blew. and if you turn it in reverse, it sucked. (cheering) big fans of sucking here tonight. (cheering) but the whole thing was unfair. now i don't blame crist for wanting to bring his own coolant. based on that skin tone, i'd say his core temperature's around 450 degrees. (laughter) but why should crist get to cool himself with a fan, but scott isn't allowed to control his temperature by laying on a chilled rock? (laughter) meanwhile, both sides are still oscillating over whether the fan
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was a violation. scott's campaign signed a rules document stating that "candidates may not bring electronic devices, including fans." but crist's campaign added, "with understanding that the debate hosts will address any temperature issues with a fan if necessary," all of which is just splitting hairs. which is also unfair to rick scott. (laughter) but the fan wasn't rick scott's only objection last night. he had an even better reason for not taking the stage. >> governor scott, why the delay in coming out over a fan? >> i waited to be -- until we figured out if he was gonna show up. he said he wasn't going to come to the -- uh -- he was -- he said he wasn't gonna come to the debate. so why come out until he's ready? >> stephen: right, he was just waiting in the wings for seven minutes to figure out whether the guy on stage was gonna come to the debate. (laughter) bottom line, as much as i wish it wasn't true, last night in miami, rick scott was...
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blown away. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whoo! we'll be right back. vo: no one ever claims to be ordinary. everyone wants to be the best. but what does that really mean? to us, it means giving you a wide selection of products, both online and in-store. expert advice. our geek squad agents to get you up and running. and thanks to our price match guarantee, you'll always get an unbeatable price. because best isn't just in a name, it's everything we stand for. (dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm!
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: well come back, everybody! my guest tonight is author, william deresiewicz! good to see you! is it dr. deresiewicz, ph.d.? >> it is, you can call me bill. >> stephen: fine. dr. bill, thank you for being here. you're contributing effort for the new republic and the american school lar. you taught yale ten years,
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before that graduate instructor at columbia university. you have a new book called excellent sheep, the miseducation of the american elite and the way to a meaningful life. >> right. >> stephen: okay. that title is as long as the doctorate, okay. (laughter) i hope that kind of went through peer review. >> yeah. >> stephen: so what do you mean the miseducation of the american elite? are you saying like i believe schools aren't what they're cracked up for? >> they're not what they're cracked up to be. they're supposed to be training a wonderful leadership class. >> reporter: you're not an ivy league guy? >> i am. >> stephen: why is the book saying, don't go to those ivy league schools! let me pull out that ladder behind you, must be in your way! have a great time! (laughter) >> if we hadn't worked there, you would say, what do you guys
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know? we've seen what goes on in the sausage factory, we've seen how the elite are produced. >> stephen: how are they produced? i'm an elite myself. i went to dar dartmouth, my fri. >> i didn't know that. >> stephen: yeah. what matters is what do kids have to do to get there. >> stephen: my grandfather had to build a building. >> that's not how it works. >> stephen: really? they jump through one hoop through another to become perfectionist and:formist and do not think for themselves or direct their own lives or do what they want to do after college and the colleges do nothing but get in the way. we have kids who are not great at figuring out what's going to give them a sense of meaning and purpose in their life, make them the leaders the colleges are supposedly preparing to do, the leaders we have to live with. we've seen this basically massive failure in the leadership class in the last 10, 15, 20, 30 years, that these schools are creating.
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>> stephen: i'm a leader. you're a leader. what's the failure of the leadership? >> we are exceptions, stephen. (audience reacts) >> stephen: so we're okay. we're okay. but if you look at banks, corporations, schools, nonprofits. they're not serving society as a whole because it's all about what you can do for yourself. that's the whole idea about getting into the schools, high status, high wealth. what about serving society as a whole. >> stephen: how should kids -- if it's not working hard in high school and conforming to the expectations of society and then corruption when you're at brown or columbia and then sliding yourself into wall street and doing your thing there and making tons of cash and going off to, like, your cabin on the weekend. >> and do what your peers want you to do. >> stephen: i hear no answers,
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just a lot of blame! (laughter) what are the answers? what are the answers, bill? >> forget about what everybody else wants you to do, start to listen to yourself, start to read, to think, take time off, take time away from the system, step outside of the bubble, start to tune in to what -- >> stephen: did you do that? repeatedly. >> stephen: when did you do that? >> i spent four years after college before i figured out what i really wanted to do because i didn't do the right things in college, because i didn't shut out all the messages everybody else was giving me. i majored in the wrong thing. maybe i went to the wrong college myself. in the end, it was a longer process than it needed to be. >> stephen: what was your major? >> a biopsychology major. >> stephen: biopsychology! do you get to write yourself your own prescriptions? >> it's what i thought i could do. my dad was a scientist and immigrant. he pushed me in that direction. i should have been an english
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major. i did a ph.d. in english because i figured out that's what i needed to do to make me happy to feel like i was contributing. >> stephen: doesn't matter what makes dad happy. he's an immigrant! you're breaking my heart! you're breaking my heart! i am so disappointed if your, billy! we didn't come to this country for you to smoke pot and play mad in your dorm room! you know what? i think i broke his heart, too, but sometimes that's what you have to do because you're living your life and not your parents' lives. >> stephen: i certainly hope my children aren't watching this right now. you do exactly what i say at all times! (applause) thank you so much, william deresiewicz. >> thank you (cheers and applause) we'll be right back! we'll be right back! [rock and roll music] ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: what's cooler tan being cool? (cheers and applause) october 16, 2014, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, man, i could have used this guy last night. professor bryan stevenson, author of just mercy. i cap lie to you people. this has been a lousy couple of weeks, years, decades. endless war, corporatist surveillance state that thrives on secrecy and tears of orphans. and now a roving hoard of
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islamist decapitation fetishes who are raising an african blood virus to see who can kill us first. why go on? we must keep fighting because as frodo taught us, even if the world is horse [bleep], if you dig around long enough there is a pony in there somewhere. well, it turns out, ladies and gentlemen, i found a pony last night in florida. >> we are live from broward college in florida, we have governor charlie crist, florida governor rick scott. our incumbent governor and the republican candidate for governor is also in the building. governor rick scott, we have been told that governor scott will not be participating in this debate.
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>> jon: he can't not participate. a debate must have at least two parties to be considered a debate otherwise it's a master-bait, it's just one. perhaps governor scott is late. maybe he's late. perhaps the hairless incumbent got sidetracked looking for a snack. look there. but it was the reason for governor scott's absence that reminded me why life is so beautiful. >> governor crist has asked to have a fan, a small fan placed underneath his podium. the rules of the debate that i was shown by the scott campaign say that there should be no fan. somehow there is a fan there and for that reason, ladies and gentlemen, i am being told that governor scott will not join us for this

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