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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  December 5, 2014 1:04am-1:36am PST

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- do you know what r&b is? do you know some real good modern... - oh, r&b's been around longer than rock and roll. - that modern [bleep]. i'm talking-- i'm not talking about old school r&b. i'm talking about that ♪ come with me, girl ♪ i'm gonna hit it from the back ♪ that's what they talking about nowadays in r&b. - that's what they talking about? - i'm not talking about like ♪ i want to court you i'm not talking about that stuff. - you're talking about getting right into the "where do i put this thing inside of your body?" - yes. - i don't listen to that kind of music. - it's--it's--r&b these days is like a literal description of sexual intercourse. it's like... ♪ my penis will go in your vagina ♪ - no, it's not. no, it--really? - ♪ semen will come out ♪ nine months later we might have a baby ♪ - really? that's how far it's come.
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- ♪ i'm gonna do my one line here ♪ - oh, yeah. >> from comedy central's world view's headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm jon stewart! my guest tonight is angelina jolie, director of the film "unbroken". but first, i want to apologize for yesterday. i began the show somewhat overwrought because no one involved in the death of eric garner was never invited.
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i was wrong. >> the person who did the videography of this, that person was indicted by a grand jury in staten island over gun charges. >> well, at least they indicted the shooter... of the video... let that be a lesson to you kids out there. photographing crime does not pay. but what's so hard to understand about this is that for months we've been going back and forth about what really happened with darren wilson and michael brown in ferguson, missouri. did brown have his hands up? did he not have his hands up? was wilson afraid for his life when he killed brown? reasonable people -- as well as plenty of (bleep) ones -- okay, their pictures didn't come up. (laughter) -- could reach different conclusions. but in this case there was no ambiguity. >> people blamed this on anything but the injustices of a
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flawed system. >> garner outweighed the officer by probably 150 pounds. >> jon: they had to bring him down! he was the abominable bro man! but, ok, he outweighed "one" cop by 150 pounds. what about the other five? is that just how much racial progress america has made? it used to be black people were only three-fifths of a white person. now, they're equal to six! unless there's some other reason his size was relevant? >> if he had not had asthma and a heart condition and was so obese, he almost definitely would not have died from this. the police had no reason to know that he was in serious condition. >> jon: please... asthma, heart disease, obesity, yeah, those are serious conditions but, come on!
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come on, the medical examiner's report says that garner died from "compression of the neck" and "compression of the chest." that sounds more like death by choking than death by chocolate. a choke hold is preventing flow of air. >> i wouldn't use the term choke hold as a martial art student, i wouldn't use that term. (laughter) >> jon: go on... if you go for the trache or what's called an air choke or the windpipe, you can literally kill somebody. the definitions may sound technical, but it isn't, is it? >> jon: yes, it is! that's what literally happened!
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fawax on, wax off! okay, so we've established that police used appropriate force against a dangerous, albeit weak-lunged, giant without resorting to chokeholds... but you still can't take race out of the equation. they want you to know everyone is equal. >> there's not a hint anyone used a racial epithet. >> jon: the cops have to use the n-word for it to be racism? you never heard the phrase a picture is worth a thousand epithets? i didn't know people were saying this cop is racist but it seems the escalation of the incidents may be a by-product of a system applied unequally and with prejudice. because if it's not that, what is it? >> in this case, the police officer was dealing with a criminal who was resisting arrest. maybe if mr. brown hadn't committed his crimes and this gentleman hadn't resisted arrest, they wouldn't have been
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dead today. >> jon: yeah, or if they didn't choke him. you know, not everyone who resist ace rest -- you know, i think i can do. this your honor, may i approach? not that we were having a trial, obviously. that's what the grand jury was going to try to get done. but if it pleases the court, i would like to introduce that resisting arrest doesn't always lead to this thing h. here's evidence, exhibit a. >> get off me! get off! >> i didn't even know i was charged with that. >> get off! i'm a (bleep) good person! >> jon: you're telling me she was less of a menace to society at that time? she's straightened her life out and as i'm told here she's a
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(bleep) good person, but -- come on, people, won't anyone admit this is simptdmatic of a larger issue? >> joining me is rand paul. i think there's something bigger than the initial circumstances. >> jon: thank you! rand paul! this is a republican who has been making an effort to reach out to the black community. he's been talking about voting rights and criminal justice. this is a start. give it to us straight. what is the larger issue? >> some politician put a tax of $5.85 on a pack of cigarettes, so they've driven cigarettes underground by making them so expensive. but then some politician also had to direct the police to say, hey, we want you arresting people for selling a loose cigarette. >> jon: what the (bleep) are you talking about? i guess now we know what it takes for a senator from kentucky to admit cigarettes can kill. i don't know what to say! i appreciate the purity of your
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anti-tax dogma, but the cigarette tax is truly the least salient aspect of this case! it's like saying, you know the problem with the hindenburg, government parking regulations. that's it! you know, you've got big brother over your shoulder going, everybody's got to dock! (laughter) honestly, we could have people out there with a squeegee or a snowcone and the same thing could have happened. the grand jury in federal cases have a 99% indictment rate, failed to indict an officer for causing the doaft an unarmed citizen. not murder, manslaughter or reckless endangerment which is one degree above a party foul. to question a system producing that result is somehow offensive now. >> this process has taken place. it's our constitution. tits laws we live by. get over it. >> they are tearing down respect for a criminal justice system that goes back to england in the
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11th century. >> jon: so does witch burning. but we've continued to improve upon those processes! you know, from what i understand, the criminal justice system has two separate but equally important parts -- the police who investigate crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute! (laughter) okay. i got that from tv. grand juries almost always do what the prosecutor wants. so maybe we need to look at when it comes to the police if prosecutors don't really want to indict them because they work with them and they need them and they're on the same show with them, they're colleagues, and that makes for a very uncomfortable situation. hey, before i try and send you to prison, there's something i gotta ask you -- this year, are
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you my secret santa? (laughter) (laughter) we'll be right back. boy: you ready for this? dad: ready. vo: with the innovation of intel, your creativity can shine this holiday. expert service. unbeatable price. best buy.
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♪ they're jamming in the street ♪ ♪ ♪ all night long ♪ all night ♪ bud light lime cran-brrr-rita fiesta forever ♪ ♪
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>> jon: welcome back to the show! (cheers and applause) this is a great night for us. we're always excited on the show to find new talented voices that can contribute to our program so we are very pleased to welcome
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our newest contributor from south africa, mr. trevor noah! welcome, sir! (cheers and applause) now, you just flew in yesterday. >> yeah, and boy are my arms tired! >> jon: all right, then, oldie but a goody. >> no, seriously, i've been holding my arms like this since i got here. i never thought i'd be more afraid of police in america than in south africa. you know, it makes me a little nostalgic for the old days back home. >> jon: c'mon, are you saying black people in south africa today don't get assaulted and killed by police? >> oh they do, but the difference is now they're getting killed by "black" police officers. progress. (laughter) >> jon: listen, baby steps. but you're relaxed now, you're not nervous, you feel good.
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>> i'm a little nervous, to be honest. between your cops, and, frankly, your ebola. >> jon: your ebola, my friend! you are from africa, your ebola, my friend. >> no, south africa, jon. we haven't had a single case in over 18 years. my friends told me, "trevor, don't go to the u.s., you'll catch ebola!" but i was like, "you know what, guys? just because they had a few cases of ebola doesn't mean we should cut off travel there. that would be ignorant." right? (cheers and applause) >> jon: that would be ignorant. you know, i guess we tend to forget that south africa is 4,000 miles from liberia. i was calculating in kilometers. >> i'm sure you were, jon, thanks. i know. to a lot of americans africa is just one giant village, full of aids huts and starving children with flies on their faces, who you can save for just five cents a day! but there's a whole other side of africa you never get to see.
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>> jon: yeah! right, there's that video of the lions who chase the buffalo, and the crocodile comes up and grabs it... >> and then the buffalo gets away. >> jon: yeah, yeah yeah! >> that's a good one. but that's not what i'm talking about. >> jon: me neither. >> jon, let's play a little game. it's called "spot the africa". >> jon: this doesn't involve me identifying anything on a map, right? >> no, no. >> just tell me which of these pictures was taken in america and which was in africa. >> ok that nicer road is probably in silicon valley, and the one on the left, clearly has been shelled by rebels, perhaps in somalia... >> actually, the road on the right is in zambia, the photo on the left i took from my cab on my way here from the airport. (cheers and applause) yeah, that's the f.d.r.! try again. >> i'm gonna say "success academy" in harlem and homeless kids. i'm going somalia.
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>> sorry. i was looking for "classroom in kenya" and "children in detroit." one more. >> jon: i hate this (bleep) game. i get how this works now. the one on the right is detroit, right? >> no that's a slum in johannesburg. some places in africa are still pretty (bleep). >> jon: you aren't saying things in africa are better than america, are you? >> no, you guys are saying that. united states incarcerates more african-americans than apartheid in south africa.
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>> for south africa to achieve that kind of black-white wealth gap, we had to construct an entire apartheid state, denying blacks the right to vote or own property. but you got the same results without even officially trying! we trained for decades and you just waltzed in and won the gold medal. >> jon: blundering is how we roll. >> well, at least we're getting better, started at the bottom and are getting better. africa is worried about you guys. african mothers say, be grateful for what you have because there are fat children starving in mississippi. we are so worried that some of my friends and i got together and i told them, guys, for just a few pennies a day, you can help an american. >> jon: that's very kind, trevor. >> now they're expecting
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something in return. they're expecting at least a letter a month. >> jon: i know how that goes. if you want, you can just draw a picture. >> jon: that's nice. we wrote a song for you as well. >> jon: i'm looking forward to this. ♪ feed america. ♪ let them know -- >> jon: oh, no! ♪ feed america ♪ feed america ♪ let them know it's
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twhat do i do?. you need to catch the 4:10 huh? the equipment tracking system will get you to the loading dock. ♪ there should be a truck leaving now. i got it. now jump off the bridge. what? in 3...2...1... are you kidding me? go. right on time. right now, over 20,000 trains are running reliably. we call that predictable. thrillingly predictable.
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is a little known actress directing an independent film apparently, her new film is called "unbroken." >> that's how i knew it. that's our revenge. >> if i can fake it, i can make it. >> precisely. i'my brother used to say that.
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he used to say i could do anything. he used to think i was better than i am. >> who says you're not? >> jon: please welcome back to the program, angelina jolie! (cheers and applause) ♪ hello! >> hello, everyone! >> jon: miss jolie, if i may call you that. >> sure. >> jon: what you have done here with this film is wonderful. but this is -- i was impressed not just with the storytelling and the visuals, but with the scope. i mean, from the war scenes to these incredible scenes in the ocean, to these prison camps. i mean, man, it's epic. it's a saga.
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i say to you. >> thank you. >> jon: respectfully. his life is bigger than any movie we could possibly make. he's an extraordinary man, and it was really an honor. >> jon: louie zam por zamporini. sum up his life for us. it's crazy. >> he was a troubled immigrant youth who was smoking and drinking and stealing by the time he was 9, didn't think he was going to amount to anything. he had a brother pete who said you're better than that, the kind of brother we all wish we had. he ended up running in the 19 in hitler's olympicics. ended up bombardier, crashing twice, stuck in the ocean, 47 days at sea. many prison camps later, faced much adversity and at the end of the day his story is about overcoming adversity and finding
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the strength inside yourself. how did i do? (cheers and applause) >> jon: okay. so then it really starts to heat up when he meets sandra bullock. (laughter) you know, you've certainly acted in your share of these types of larger, you know, more epic type of films, but to be at the helm of it, was that the big challenge? had you been around it enough to understand what it would take to challenge yourself for that? or did it take you offguard? >> it took me offguard. >> jon: yeah. didn't take you offguard? >> jon: still is. it did. i remember waking up in the middle of the night before a shark attack and thinking, i don't know how to film a shark attack. everybody's going to be looking at me to figure out how to do this. >> jon: how do you film a shark attack? >> i can't say.
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we had a combination of sharks, animated sharks, 3-d sharks. you convince e one at the studio, you should give me this job, i know exactly what i'm doing, i'm so sure of it. then you get the job and then you think, oh, my! i'm not sure i do. so every day was a challenge. but we had a great team and i think we pulled it off. >> jon: is it more fulfilling? which of you found that touches you a little bit deeper? >> i love directing. you're shepherding from the music to the final detail of the shark in the water and how it swims and everything, so it's a huge responsibility. >> jon: so you have been on the set and you have been acting and i've done something, but because you don't have that control and you might see the final product and think, man, that's not the way i would have
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gone, is that where the desire stems from is to have more of that? >> i didn't -- well, you know, didn't plan on becoming a director. i wrote something and then i wanted to protect it, so in order to protect it, i ended up-- i didn't want anybody else to direct it because i was worried. >> jon: right. and i just love the story so much and i wanted to tell it. >> jon: such an amazing story. but there are still a few scenes i haven't seen because -- >> jon: there are films of yours you haven't seep? do you want to talk to me about them because i've seen them all. (laughter) >> jon: if you had ended up with me instead of brad pitt, our stewart jolie would have been stolie. we could have been a vodka brand. (cheers and applause) congratulations on everything. i have to tell you, from the moment i met you, it has to be
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20 years ago on the set. i thought, this person has talent coming out of all different areas. (laughter) i don't mean it that way. you know what i mean? (laughter) you just meet certain people and you go, this person embodies something different, special. i've always thought that. >> that's what i thought about you. it's fun to be here. we watched the show at home. >> jon: what is brad wearing when you watch? generally pajama pants, no top? >> sometimes. >> jon: yeah, that feels right! "unbroken" in theaters on christmas day. angelina jolie, everybody. (cheers and applause) ♪
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♪ hey man, have you tried the voice text on the new iphone 6? yeah, it's amazing. especially with things that don't normally work with regular texts like sarcasm. [sarcastically] please bring amanda. she's soo fun. or if you want to sing a message. [singing] ♪ do you need anything from the store. like 2% milk or skim? ♪ or just getting around words that are really hard to spell. tell the mcdonahaney's that we can't go camping because our exchange student, thelonious, has arachnophobia, which is a shame because we prepared a smorgasbord of charcuterie for his bicentennial jamboree. ♪
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