tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central December 11, 2014 5:54pm-6:27pm PST
with these boots. (grunts) (crowd gasps) hold me. (screaming) (screaming) (crowd gasps) (both screaming) oh, no. oh, no. oh, no, no. oh, no. make a wish. (crowd gasps) my god! fry has metamorphosed into a gigantic butterfly! he's even more beautiful than before! (gasping) (sniffs, sighs) ooh, what is that sexy stink?
(tank and truck giggling) professor: oh, cripes! they're mating! (crowd groaning) ladies and gentlemen, i am so sorry for allowing this lurid sex act to taint an otherwise delightful day of family-friendly violence. (tank and truck giggling) that is some freaky bug-on-bug action. i feel a little left out. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!
stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for being here. good to have you with us. folks, i gotta tell you-- folks, thank you, thank you so much for that, for that welcome, because tonight, i am beside myself with anger and he's mad, too. ( laughter ) because yesterday, senate democrats dropped a turd of information into the national punch bowl of bliss. >> explosive report, the senate reveals c.i.a. secrets about torturing terror suspects. >> the report written by senate democrats says the c.i.a. overstated the program's successes while hiding its horrors. >> it is a damning indictment.
>> it is damning, indeed. >> stephen: yes, a damning report about enhanced interigation. the program was started under president bush if you recall, and if you don't recall, the c.i.a. has ways to make you. it's all detailed in this 500-page travesty, which spilled sensitive torture secrets and residents like "50 shades of legal grey areas." ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah, yeah. feisty stuff, oh, yeah. there's a little bondage. ( laughter ) jim? >> american interrogators punched, shackled, dragged and nearly drowned al qaeda operatives. >> the sexual humiliation of prisoners, and even torturing detainees after the c.i.a. determined there was no more information to be gained. >> detainees were kept in total darkness and given buckets for human waste. >> abu zubaydah, a top al qaeda
associate, spent a total of 266 hours in a large coffin-sized confinement box. >> and this is not pleasant to recount, but many incidences of so-called rectal rehydration. ♪ i just gotta shake, shake, shake. ♪ shake it off, shake it off. whoo-hooo♪ sorry, you should probably get a pair of these tragedy-cancelling headphones. really makes it better. now, folks i gotta ask, what is the point of telling us all this rough stuff? no one still thinks that it's ever okay to do something like this. >> for the record, i still think it's okay to do something like this, as long as it's done in a fair way. i think the torture-- i'm sorry, the enhanced interrogation technique, i think it serves a purpose. >> stephen: another, okay. so eric is in favor of torture-- i'm sorry, torture-- if
( laughter ) ( applause ) if-- this is very important-- if it's done in a fair way. you know, as long as they bring enough human waste buckets for everyone in the secret prison. i am with fox's andrea tantaros who is stoked for america come whatev. >> the united states of america is awesome. we are awesome. but we've had this discussion. we've closed the book on it, and we stopped doing it. and the reason they want to have this discussion is not to show how awesome we are. this administration wants to have this discussion to show us how we're not awesome. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, that's what they want. that's what they want. but we are awesome, and we have to be awesome, because the people we're fighting are totally radical. ( cheers and applause ) and that's why-- ( applause ) that's why, that's why we had to resort to extreeeme measures.
seriously, seriously, things got pretty gnarly. we-- we shocked a brau. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) now besides, all of this is ancient history. >> we know it was bad, but why bring it up now? >> it's been a long time since we've been doing any of this. so the need to release this document with a lot of gory details at this stage of the game is hard to find. >> we're 2014. we're talking about things that happened in 2006, 2007, seven, eight years ago. >> stephen: yeah, it was seven, eight years ago. the c.i.a. was probably keeping detainees awake by blasting
feist. come on. there are some bright spots in this thing and not just the sparks off the jumper tables because america's former president, and my heart's forever president, george w. bush, comes off looking great in this thing. for example, on page 98 it says, "the president of the united states had directed he not be informed of the locations of the c.i.a. detention facilities to ensure he would not accidentally disclose the information." that's right, no, that's right, that's good. because it would have been all too easy for the president to accidentally disclose this kind of intele. i mean, it's a simple slip-up anybody could make. what you mean to say is congratulations to the world championship san antonio spurs but what comes out is we're sticking dental tulles up somebody's pee hole under a bulgarian disco. then. ( cheers and applause ) then, of course, you have to send tim duncan to the disco because he knows too much.
it's a mess. and, you know, what courage that willful ignorance takes. and it dates back to our founding fathers. remember, it was george washington who first said-- and i quote-- blooolooloolooloo. he didn't want to know what was going on either because he was torturing people, too. don't believe me? just ask amateur historian and brown-haired guy who's not steve doocy or an historian, brian kilmeade. >> when someone or some group is trying to destroy you and your way of life, you need to do whatever it takes to stop them. >> george washington did, and that's a fact. so for those of you who say that's not what we're built on, we don't beat the british without doing it. >> stephen: yeah, washington tortured the british so hard, they're still talking funny. ( applause ) ( cheers ) yeah. that's how we did it.
now, we looked it up, and in actuality, washington didn't torture them. but that doesn't mean he didn't. because while the c.i.a. was conducting an all-you-can-pump rectal-hydration festival, here's what george bush said. >> the united states does not torture. >> stephen: and he should know because he specifically asked not to be told. now, another person who doesn't want to be told things is wolf blitzer, who yesterday blitzed dianne feinstein, the chairman of the senate commit they released this report. >> was it worth it to release this report today if in fact american lives, diplomats, military personnel, civilians are going to be in danger? >> look, there is no perfect time to release this report. there have been beheadings. there have been attacks without this report coming out. >> but if americans are killed as a result of this report and they tell you that, i assume you would feel guilty about that.
>> i would feel very badly, of course. i mean what, do you think, wolf blitzer? ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes. what do you think, wolf isaac blitzer. and don't you roll your eyes at me, young man. now go clean your situation room or your father and i will take away your beard trimmer. ( cheers and applause ). i never, in all my years-- folks, i gotta tell you, i'm with wolf blitzer on this one. as journalists it is our sacred duty to face those in authority and ask should we really know this? the point is i don't want to learn what's in this report. when we return, i'm going to learn what's in this report when i'm joined by the director of the national security archive at george washington university, tom blanton. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, in the a "a" block of te show i told you why releasing the torture report was a bad idea. i'm a positive guy i would rather see the glaz half full of water that can be forced up a prisoner's nose. please welcome tom blanton. thank you so much for being back. all right, tom, first of all, great university you got down there. i was down there on monday. lovely place. >> yeah, shut down the whole campus. >> stephen: you're welcome. okay, first of all, this document here, this is just a partisan blame bush document, right? >> it's just the tip of the iceberg. it's the executive summary -- >> stephen: what are you talking about? it's 528 pages. how much more is there? >> what's the big one? six million pages of evidence is what they're citing in here, six million pages.
>> stephen: wait a second, wait a second. isn't there something smaller for me to read, like maybe a pop-up book, though i don't necessarily want to know-- you read this thing. what is in here that surprised you? >> i'm a document fetishist, and there's quote after quote after quote -- >> stephen: so this is "50 shades of gray "for you. >> you got it. from the c.i.a. itself showing the torture was wrong and they knew it. people saying, wait a second. this goes too far. this is wrong, we can't do this. i gotta leave. this is a train wreck. i don't want to be here when it goes off the cliff. that's c.i.a. comment. >> stephen: remember, we heard about this. we heard about the stuff years ago. it was three guys. they were wooshing, some people were roughed up. >> it turns out 120 guys. some were put in coffins, solitary confinement, doused in cold water. one of them died.
it's bigger than they let on. and even worse. ♪ shake it off, shake it off oooh-ooo♪ i'm sorry, gineed to zip back in there ever so often. >> i understand and i don't blame you. >> stephen: but what is the value of doing this? now korea and north korea and china have said america is a hypocrite. >> that's the funny thing, these techniques were taken from the chinese communists. they did it to our p.o.w.s, they waterboarded them to make them make false confessions. our military started training our guys, resist captivity, and it's a couple of these survival shrinks, the scolses who ran the air force survival training program -- >> stephen: the guys trying to help our soldiers resist torture-- >> they sold it to the c.i.a. >> stephen: the two guys, dr. mitchell and a dr. jensen--
>> jeffson jim and bruce. >> stephen: they got how much money to do this? >> $81 million. that's one of the facts you can find out in here. >> stephen: $81 million to design this thing. i'm going to be out of a job soon. is there any way i can get some of that money? >> you needed to be a friend of theirs. they hired all their friends. they didn't know what they were doing. they had never had a single interrogation in their whole years done it. they came in with these techniques they got from the chinese communists who were torturing our p.o.w.s and said, "this is how we can take care of those terrorists." >> stephen: don't get me wrong. i believe in the rule of law. this is a country of laws, but our enemies are brutal, and don't we have to be brutal in return? >> if we mirror image the bad guys, then we're going to lose everything that we're fighting for. >> stephen: we're fighting for our lives. ( applause ) okay, we're fighting for our lives. another this is-- i mean, yes,
" why this is something that we shouldn't do, but shouldn't it be like the atomic bomb-- that we, obviously, will never use it, but, obviously, it's got to be an option that's on the table at all times because we're in an existential fight for our lives? >> the most damning thing in this report is not the hydration. the most damning thing in the report is it uses the c.i.a.'s own documents to go through all 20 cases where the c.i.a., president bush, everybody said this torture prevented terror. and this report shows everyone of those 20 claims are false. the key information that led us to bin laden did not come from torture. the key information that broke up the dirty bomb blot plot did not come from torture. these shrinks, psychologists, were the ones who got to evaluate their own program. you better believe they did not give each other a failing grade. >> stephen: so they got to evaluate whether their program was working? >> you got it. >> stephen: they were their
own oversight committee? >> you got it. >> stephen, of course, if i were them i would give me a good grade because i know what i would do to me if i crossed me. ( cheers and applause ). thank you so much. tom blanton, national security archive. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) here's a question for you: when electricity is generated with natural gas instead of today's most used source, how much are co2 emissions reduced? up to 30%? 45%? 60%? the answer is... up to 60% less. and that's a big reason why the u.s. is a world leader in reducing co2 emissions. take the energy quiz -- round 2. energy lives here. i am rich. on the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties.
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>> stephen: my guest is a peabody award-winning journalist host of the true crime podcast "serial." i can't believe cap'n crunch murder aid guy. please welcome sarah kaynig. ( cheers and applause ) miss kaynig, thank you so much for being here. as you can see, you are the world's first superstar podcaster. let's get into how this came about. you're a peabody award-winning journalist. you work for the "baltimore sun" abc news, "new york times," spent past 10 years as producer
at "this american life." now you're hosting the first spin-off podcast "serial," and the penultimate episode is tomorrow, thursday, and your third one is my last show, december 18. we're competing. >> i'm aware of that. >> stephen: you're aware of that. it's go time. how does it feel as a journalist, did you always want to do true crime reporting that people listen to on a treadmill? ( laughter ). ( cheers ) ( applause ) what inspired you to do a spin-off podcast? what first drew you to doing this medium, first of all? >> i think-- you know, i'd been working at the radio show for a long time and a fellow producer, julie snyder, and i sort of were thinking what else do we want to do? we could try this little thing and i could be in my basement with a mick rophone -- >> stephen: why murder.
you're coming from "this american life." it seems like the first spin-off podcast would be sibling whoa thought their brothers and sisters were imaginary friends. or 24 hours in a chiropractic waiting room. why murder? >> it wasn't specifically that we wanted to do a show about murder. we wanted to be a serialized documentary. and this happened to be a story that i was already interested in, that i was already-- had just started working on when we got the idea to do "serial"." i said i've got a story. let's do this one. it seemed to have a lot going on and seemed enough to sustain it over time. >> stephen: "serial" got five million itunes downloads, faster than any other podcast in history. what does it mean to have the most popular podcast in history? do you get paid in itunes gift cards. i'm trying to follow the money here. what benefits you doing this? >> well, i'm here. ( cheers and applause ).
>> stephen: you're my favorite guest of all time. thank you. >> you're you're welcome. >> stephen: all right, let's talk about the the actual case itself. >> yeah. >> stephen: it takes place in baltimore, the same fictional city from "the wire." without giving request spoilers away, can you give the people who haven't heard requested serial a nutshell of what the case is. >> it's the murder of an 18-year-old girl. she was a high school senior at a high school in baltimore county and she went missing one day after school, and nobody knew what had happened to her, and then her body turned up about a month later in a city park. she had been buried. and a few weeks later, her ex-boyfriend, a 17-year-old kid, a fellow senior at the high school was arrested. and -- >> stephen: why reopen this case? you guys week to week go into a
different aspect of the case, why go back into his story? this happened in 1999. do you really think that a guy nade adnad said could get a fairer trial after 9/11? is there a goal? are you an advocate journalist? are you trying to advocate for this guy? >> i am not advocate for this guy. what grabbed me about this story is a friend of his family came to me and said, i believe this guy is innocent. the trial was crazy. the investigation has holes in it. i believe this guy's innocent. you can take a look? so i started looking into it, and i just beam so confused so quickly. so i just kept going from there. >> stephen: that's one of the things that bothers me about this is that from week to week you might change your opinion about who you think did this or what the truth might be of the situation. i've been doing this show for nine years, and i have never once changed my opinion about
anything, okay? ( cheers and applause ) that's commitment. that's commitment to my ideals, okay? >> i know. it's true. when you investigate a story for a year and a half, it's true. i lack commitment. ( laughter ). >> stephen: but without giving any spoilers away, you can just tell me if by the end of the series, that girl ever learns to pronounce "male chimp?" >> you know, we still-- we still have a week to go. i am still reporting. i am still reporting and things could change between now and then so next week is when you'll know the answer to that. >> stephen: i can't wait to find out. thank you so much for being here. here. sarah kaynig, "serial." what happened? did they get him? [remote chime] ...gotta go...let's go... ♪ [berenson] yeah... we're almost at the pickup. i'll call when they're in the air.
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