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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 18, 2014 11:04am-11:35am PST

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of award season. and frankly, i've got the fever. award fever. i hope you all watched the grammy's last night, fan -- fantastic show. and really informative, for instance, i've been wondering who the audience is for this kayne west gentlemen, who does he appeal to. jimmy? (cheers and applause) >> it's a rap. >> stephen: mainly '70s folk singers who dated carlly simon. and that is a fairly large demographic. and speaking of award, congratulations to best selling author michael crichton. michael krot a book this year, this one right here, "state of fear" about environmentalists suing the epa. great read, here's a little taste. >> evan shrugged, there isn't a reputable scientist in the world who doesn't believe in global
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warming. on that point are you wrong, she said. the defense will call professors from mit, harvard, columbia, duke, virginia, colorado, uc berkeley and other prestigious schools. these professors will argue that global warming is at best unproveen and at worst pure fantasy. a literary giant. literally. he's 7 feet tall. now yesterday the book won him a prestigious journalism award from, i want to make sure i have this right, yes, the american association of petroleum geologists. (laughter) >> now it is rare for a journalism award to go to a novel, but as the aapg's communications director put it, it is fiction but it has the absolute ring of truth. (laughter) >> stephen: i couldn't have said it better myself. except for all the times i have said it myself on this show. and kudoes to the american association of petroleum
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geologists for recognizing a book that debunks global warming. not a popular stance with anyone but themselves. no, i'm happy for mike. i know just how he feels. last year my novel stephen colbert alpha squad 7 lady nocturn a tek jansen adventure won the truth in reporting award from the american tobacco association. here is the passage i think clinched it for me. "i rushed to argana's side and cradled her dying body in my arms. even now aware of its taut secretariesiness. blood poured from the wound where the swampi immediate had gorred her. she only had minutes to live and on this planet, minutes meant seconds. thinking quickly, i reached into my medipouch and cracked open a case of cigarettes. i lit one on the still smoking barrel of my magnatron pistol and rurustt t to her mouth. she breathed deeply the smooth taste of the healing vapors and her wound closed instantly.
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thank god you are okay, i whispered. no, she replied, thank the 22nd century scientist who discovered tobacco's anti-biotic properties and aphrodisiac properties, i addeds a removed what was left of her cybergown. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: still waiting for a publisher. and now, it's time for me to give out an award, to new house majority leader john boehner. mr. boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform the house republicans who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. well, cnn has found out that he rents his two bedroom apartment from a lobbyist whose client had an interest in legislation that boehner sponsored. and for that, mr. boehner, you have just won a pair of stephen colbert's big brass balls.
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there you go. look at them. watch them swing. (laughter) >> stephen: okay. now let me tell you, it took big ones for you to do that. after all, where you live is public record. you had to know someone would find out. evidently, you didn't care, even though you ran on a platform of lobbying reform. that took muchos huevos grandes. no surprise, congressman picked their leaders the same way wolf pick their alpha, by t t accident of the groin. do enjoy. but the awards i love most will be given out starting tomorrow in torino, italy. i've said it before, the winter olympics are my favourite time of the every four years. for 16 glorious days the nations of the world come together putting aside political squabbles, border disputes and senseless violence. for that brief, beautiful time we honor man at his best and celebrate our global brotherhood
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which brings us to tonight's word" usa, usa ". (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're going to kick some ass. have you seen some of the countries that signed unfor this thing? look at that crowd. it's incredible. they don't stand -- go back, go back, wait, jim, go back, go back a little bit, right there. moldova. that isn't even a country. i think she's a supermodel. and we are going to kick ass, right down there. (laughter) >> stephen: i liked it. i cannot wait to see that medal count. every morning when i open the paper i go straight for it. i don't give a damn which sports we win the medals in. as far as i'm concerned ice dancing is just as manly as
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two-man luge. but you know, winning isn't everything, it's just as important that we rub it in. (laughter) >> stephen: medal counts are a great quantifiable way to say yes, we're in an unpopular war, we're bitterly divided and we're embroiled in scandal, but if you get all up in our bobsled grill, we'll bring 9 frozen solid booep booep hammer down. and i say the three tiered medal stand, not human il yating enough for the losers. i believe the medal stand should be made out of the losers. (laughter) >> stephen: that really gets the point across. and it's more inclusive that way. that's the true spirit of brotherly love. i should know. i grew up with seven brothers. even happy birthday came at the price of an unholy ass kicking. so what. oh, i'm telling my. stop it. i mean it, stop it! because i'm a cry baby and i might cry and run to mommy, boo
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>> no, you don't. you love me. are you just angry at me. but you can use that anger now to motivate you to grow bigigr and stronger, so one day are you so powerful no one can mess with you. and you will be number one. just like the usa. say it with me, everybody. usa! usa lam and that world, is the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> (cheers and applause) welcome back. valentine's day is coming up and if past v days have at that time me anything about relationships, they require much more than a 6:00 p.m. run to the drugstore to pick up a card and whatever candy has a red wrapper. strawberry mentos, by the way. you need love advice. i'm here to tell you where to look. we should turn for guidance to america's most precious resource our celebrities. no, i'm no fan of hollywood but even stars have love problems. and thankfully there are three celebrity relationships strong enough not only to last, but to teach the rest of us. brad pitt and angelina jolie, ben affleck and jennifer garner, and william h. macy and felicity huffman. from their example i have created: there are four laws, follow them and you will be a
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happy and successful husband and or wife. law number one. find someone whose name can be merged with yours to form a marketable nick name just like brangelina, bennifer ii or fellium h muffman. (laughter) the merged name -- the merged name symbolizes -- (laughter) >> stephen: got a little something in my eye there. the merged name symbolizes your unity and saves headline space so that the phrase" sex tape "can be printed below it. law number two, marry -- (laughter) >> stephen: mary someone in the exact same field as you if possible, someone you work with. after all it worked for
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mr. and mrs. smith, daredevil, and the splen difficult russ escapades of fellium h muffman. not enough people saw that one. law number three, build your relationship on a solid foundation of a horrible breakup. it worked with brad pitt left jennifer aniston, ben affleck split with jlow, and when william h. macy dumped olympia dukakis. a messy breakup gives you the incentive to get it right this time so you can rub it in your ex's face. finally law number four, let everyone see you naked this way people's curiosity will be satisfied and there will be no reason to draw you into extramarital affairs. jolie did it in gina. garner in electra, well maybe she just did it in my mind. and who can forget william h. macy in this scene from the vivi the cooler ". i have tried so hard to forget.
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obey these laws, america, and you will enjoy a long an happy married life. oh, if are you famous. i should have mentioned that first. you have to be famous. if you are not and you act like this, you will come across as a mentally imbalanced sociopath. in which case you should stay out of relationships all together because will you only end up hurting people. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) female announcer: sleep train's interest free for 3 event!
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight is a staff writer for "the new yorker", and surprise, a critic of the iraq war. please acknowledge george packer (cheers and applause) . >> stephen: mr. packer. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: thank you so much for coming on. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: you have a new book called" the assassin's gate "that sounds ke one of those sqlon lecare thrillers, is there a hot sex scene in it? >> there is not. >> stephen: so what is it about. >> actually there is a little bit of iraqi sex jokes in it, but it is more of a serious book about the iraq war an its origins and how we got into this mess and whose's over there, soldiers, civilians, iraqis, it's kind of a --. >> stephen: answer all those questions for me, how did we get
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over there? didn't the presidency a need, wasn't there a threat, wasn't it imminent, did we have to do it? >> no the. we didn't. >> stephen: okay, that's not what i was told. >> we were told there was an imminent threat. >> stephen: okay. >> what were you told? >> stephen: i was told they could bomb us in 45 minutes with a remote controlled drone plane, i seem to remember that. >> and you believed it? >> stephen: did you support the war when it started. >> i did. >> stephen: and you didn't believe it. >> i didn't. >> stephen: but yet you supported the war. >> complicated, isn't it. >> stephen: it is, yeah. why won't something simple woman out of this war. (laughter) >> it's a mess, that's why. it is a big complicated mess. and it's very hard to sum it up. because when you go there as i just did, i just got back a few days ago. what you really feel is how big and vast and complicated it is. and how many different directions it is going in all at once, depending on what part of the country you are in, which american unit you are with, which iraqis you are talking about, sometimes you feel hopeful, then you fall into despair. and it is very hard to give it a
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headline and to sum it up. >> stephen: well, then, maybe are you not trying hard enough. because -- (laughter) >> stephen: because i think i can sum it up and say had to go. tough slug, going great, going to win. i just summed it up. okay. what part of that did you not get. and by the way, let me just say, just because you've been there, doesn't mean your opinions are more valid than mine, go ahead. >> no, no, no. i think your opinions are very valid. i think tough slug is right. i don't know about had to go. guna win, that looks less and less likely. >> stephen: but let me ask. did you support the war at the beginning. >> i did. i did. >> stephen: why if we didn't have to go. why an elective war. because i only supported it because i knew we had to go. b becse of the 45 minute thing. >> stephen: right, exactly. >> yeah. >> stephen: so why did you think we should go even though we didn't have to? >> i wanted iraqis to be free of saddam hussein. and that tyranny. i wanted it to see if the middle east could chart a new political course. and there was some reason to think it could go in that
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direction. but basically my book is a chronicle of how badly we viewed it -- screwed it up from a to z. >> stephen: this is the book, the assassin's gate gate, america's war in aing ra. how did we screw it up and if so how did we screw it up. i'm hearing it is not scscweweup but very complicated, from people like george packer. >> it is a complicated skewup. starting at the top, the president who really doesn't want to know what is going on over there, and know truth can penetrate the bubble of the oval office. there is a vice president who is sort of in the shadows has been making all the wrong decisions. the secretary of defense who really doesn't want to be there and who has pretty much pulled the plug on any chance of military victory by a halfhearted commitment from the start. there was the secretary of state coli pell who had some good ideas and wasn't listened to. i could go on. >> stephen: i will stop you anyway, even though are you not going to go on. and just say that, and take this
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in the best possible way, you are a gloomy gus. why want we be more positive about this thing. isn't winning the war like the consumer confidence, like you just say are you confident, and then you get confident. shouldn't we just say we're going to win the war? or just say we have won the war. >> i think that that is exactly what we are doing. and it seems to work better over here than it does er t tre. >> stephen: okay. but isn't -- this is the audience that they have to play to, right. they don't care what the iraqis think of them. >> you are absolutely right about them. >> stephen: we are americans, they don't really matter. >> that does seem to be the pr strategy the administration. unfortunately there is a war going on over there that really doesn't seem to be affected by pr strategies for home consumption. >> stephen: are we winning the hearts and minds over there. >> we've lost most of the hearts and minds over there. there are still a few iraqis who say you have to stay because you've made a mess and now you have to clean it up. but if --. >> stephen: if for you the idea was getting saddam out of there, don't you win the hearts and minds just by getting saddam out
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of there. you got what you wanted out of this war, mister. >> in a way, that seemed like the right start. but then from the moment he fell we made one mistake after another so that hearts and minds that really were ours for the having were lost systemically over the last two and a half years. >> stephen: here is why i don't like your theory, and i will tell you why. it's because if your theory of why we should have gone to war was right, then we took american soldiers and we played craps with their lives. on n aet that we thought we would win. but i think it's better to say that we had to go, and this is a noble job to keep americans away from nuclear weapons that saddam had. that is a war that i can still get behind. >> absolutely. (laughter) >> you've convinced yourself. >> stephen: exactly. >> give me another hour here and you might be able to con rinse me. >> stephen: really, that is all it would take? after this whole book? (laughter) >> i'm trying. i'm trying to keep spirits up but it just looks, i'm gloom about it, it is a grim story.
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>> stephen: let me help you, we are winning, we're going to win, nothing stops the usa. these colors don't run, sir. did any of those work? >> i'm getting there. >> stephen: you are getting there, okay. let me ask you one last question before we have to go here. do you think if we have to pull out on a moment's notice, do you think saddam with take his old job back. because i'm no fan of that man. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: but he made the trains run on time. >> yeah, well, someone said to me that if iraq was a used car saddam got rid of it at just the right time. i think he's sitting pretty well in jl right now. >> stephen: well, you know, it is a lemon, and god gives you a lemon, i say you make iraq thanks so much for coming by. the book is the assassin's gate kohl america in iraq. george packer.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: before i go, before i go i would like to share a little something with you. not everybody knows this, but before i was a newsman i had a band. actually right before i was a newsman i was carnival roustabout. but before that i had a band, back in the '80s, stephen and the colberts. we mostly did love songs and power balance add, since this is our last show before valentine's day i would like to play one of our videos. so this love song goes out from me to each and every one of you, but especially to one of you, because there is a special hidden message in this video for a very special hidden lady. roll it, jimmy.
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(laughter) [♪] ♪ every time i see you ♪ i think of you ♪ every time i'm near you i think of you ♪ ♪ i think of you ♪ when i dream of you ♪ when i'm taking pictures of you ♪ ♪ i think of you when i'm in a blimp looking down from up above you ♪ ♪ you know i'm missing you ♪ my mind is kissing you ♪ i'm right behind you now charlene ♪ ♪ waiting, watching oh so close ♪ ♪ i'm right behind you now charlene ♪ ♪ never be alone again ♪ no ♪
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[♪] (cheers and applause) >> stephen: 20 years later i still feel the same. by the way, charlene, technically this is not violate the restraining order. good night, everybody. (cheers and applause) now whenever you want more news from "the colbert report" go to mother lode on comedy central (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
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( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you! thank you very much! thank you. thank you. that's very fine. thank you. thank you. welcome. welcome to the show. welcome, welcome. welcome, ladies and gentlemen. i want to address this right off the bat -- i'm sure you've all heard some disturbing allegations that surfaced yesterday regarding several of my female staff members and their -- well, let's just say their comfort levels around the studio. ( laughter ) and more specifically, their discomfort levels around me. ( laughter )
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i have been advised by counsel not to go into any of the details of the case, which is a shame because they're pretty arousing? ( laughter ) of course, you know, folks, i'm just the latest in a series of powerful men tfuel victim to the pervasive victim mentality of people in this country, who have been victimized. and i, it's important that i respond quickly to correct any mitaken impression that i mean or did any of the things captured on a videotape, a videotape that may or may not exist, depending on how the settlement goes. ( laughter ) so tonight, i want to send a strong message to my female viewers that no matter what you've heard about me wearing or not wearing pants when my enterprise brings me coffee... ( laughter ) ...for the record, my sofs very hot, they were wool and scratchy and i had been drinking -- i
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have nothing but respect for certain plaintiffs who work for me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i... are we cool? ( laughter ) no? more? okay. so tonight, i am pleased and legally obligated to present a "colbert report" special report: a salute to the american lady. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ okay, bear with me. this is kind of a slapdash thing. the lawyers have said i need to do this toute de suite. anyway, women, i love them. and there

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